confusedmandi Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 So I'm recently divorced and dating again and since the first guy I slept with lied to me and turned out he had a serious, girlfriend.. That made me sort of revisit what happened in my marriage. I ended it because my husband cheated. I found out bits and pieces he lied his butt off we attempted to work things out but he just lied more and kept seeing his mistress or as u say here the ow. He never did come clean and I know it shouldn't matter... But when are cheaters more likely to see their side pieces? For example if we spent a great weekend together had great sex or went on a family vacation or if it's a special occasion.. Does the cheater feel more attached to their spouse and not want to see the ow or om? Do they kind of come to their senses and not want to see the side piece because they had a great time at home? Do they feel guilty? I guess I'm wondering if he ran and slept with her after we spent what I thought was a great time together.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmandi Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 I don't know if I am welcome here but I posted this in another forum and got no replies and thought maybe I posted in the wrong place. will say even though i'm what you consider at former BS (think that's what you call it here) I didn't flip out on my husbands OW I flipped out on HIM. He's the one who made promises to me and hurt me. I didn't bother her if that helps. I'm not here to judge anyone. Long story short I'm recently divorced and dating again and since the first guy I slept with lied to me and turned out he had a serious, girlfriend.. That made me sort of revisit what happened in my marriage. I ended it because my husband cheated. I found out bits and pieces he lied his butt off we attempted to work things out but he just lied more and kept seeing his OW. He never did come clean and I know it shouldn't matter... But when are cheaters more likely to see AP? For example if we spent a great weekend together had great sex or went on a family vacation or if it's a special occasion.. Does the cheater feel more attached to their spouse and not want to see the ow or om? Do they kind of come to their senses and not want to see the AP because they had a great time at home? Do they feel guilty? I guess I'm wondering if he ran and slept with her after we spent what I thought was a great time together.. Are there any times that your MM/MW took a break from u even for a few days because they had a fantastic weekend with the wife, a kid's birthday etc? Like I said I'm divorced now and he's not with the OW but I just see how easy it is for people to cheat and just wondered if those times we had a really wonderful few days if he ran off to her or if he held back? Please be honest. Its not going to hurt me Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 ...just wondered if those times we had a really wonderful few days if he ran off to her...? probably, yeah. folks can multitask, LOL. they don't really need breaks. and they don't go to the OW/OM only when it's bad at home - for a lot of people, having two "happy" relationships and having sex with two people can be highly erotic. some affairs even help & keep the marriage together. some people claim to love both their spouses and the OW/OM... so there you have it. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 They see them whenever they can. Takes a little maneuvering and a lot of lying to 'date' someone else while married. Mine met on his 45 minute lunch break and the occasional poker night every other month when he ditched his friends or left them early. If my marriage wasn't sacred to him, I don't think holidays or special occasions were either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Cheaters are great at compartmentalizing. When he is with her, she is not a side piece, she is the main course and you, you are just a has been, an after thought, if anything. Some cheaters make their AP feel special by doing it with them on occasions that would be special to the BS. "Look how special you are, its my anniversary with BS but I got away to be with you for an hour!" The BS thought they had a great day/night with the WS but the WS brags to the AP about how they were thinking of AP the whole time, could not wait to get away to celebrate for real with AP. Of course when he is with you he may very well be sincerely enjoying that time. Just lying to the AP about not enjoying it and thinking only about AP. Still, your WS is also very much enjoying the AP and making a fool of you when he is with her. Certainly not thinking of you then, anymore than, or perhaps less than he thinks of her when he is with you. Affairs are evil and they suck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 My husbands mow always contacted him right after family time - the phone records are proof. Emails during my bday dinner, calls/texts/emails as soon as family vacations were over - she didn't like risking a connection being built, so she constantly was around. The first phone call after every mc session was from her - she knew his schedule (she worked for him). He was so idiotic and chose her every time she called. I knew none of this at the time - I was in a competition I didn't know existed. Putting the pieces together was very painful, and so obviously meant to hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Does the cheater feel more attached to their spouse and not want to see the ow or om? Do they kind of come to their senses and not want to see the side piece because they had a great time at home? Do they feel guilty? I guess I'm wondering if he ran and slept with her after we spent what I thought was a great time together.. Obviously, it depends. I know during the initial stages of my STBXW cheating on me, if we were good, she would see her OM less. When we weren't so good, she was spending more time with him. As she got deeper into the rabbit hole and had multiple affair partners, I know she was compartmentalizing everything. I found out (much later on) she was seeing one guy and they were having a great valentine's day dinner together (while I was at home taking care of our daughter). She got a text from one of her other men, and couldn't end that date fast enough to go and spend time with her other man. Short answer is that the longer they were cheating on you for, I think that yes, they would run off to get their next little fix of satisfaction even after spending great quality time with you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Some cheaters make their AP feel special by doing it with them on occasions that would be special to the BS. "Look how special you are, its my anniversary with BS but I got away to be with you for an hour!" The BS thought they had a great day/night with the WS but the WS brags to the AP about how they were thinking of AP the whole time, could not wait to get away to celebrate for real with AP. Of course when he is with you he may very well be sincerely enjoying that time. Just lying to the AP about not enjoying it and thinking only about AP. Still, your WS is also very much enjoying the AP and making a fool of you when he is with her. Certainly not thinking of you then, anymore than, or perhaps less than he thinks of her when he is with you. Affairs are evil and they suck. Yes, that makes sense because the OW is not a prostitute he just picks up, as and when he feels the need. She is a woman who needs maintained. So she may need high days and holidays celebrated too, she may need to feel included, important and special. He needs to keep her on board and sweet, else his world may come tumbling down. Some OWs it seems to me are submissive and accept crumbs chucked in their direction and some it seems demand attention and are more assertive in their claims on the MM Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 S For example if we spent a great weekend together had great sex or went on a family vacation or if it's a special occasion.. Lots of affair are shadow relationships. So think of times you'd want to spend with your spouse - holidays, birthdays, etc. - and the OM/OW and your WS are often planning their own celebration. I outed my ex BIL when he thought he'd "get some air" after a family Thanksgiving dinner. Followed him outside and heard him telling his OW how he missed her and wished he was with her that moment. Told him he could tell his W or I would, they were divorced 9 months later... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 He has had weekends, holidays, stay cations etc and he has remained in touch each time and it has not impacted our relationship when he returns. Actually it seems to be getting more intense I did expect after a 2 week family vacation he may rethink our affair, but nope. No change. We see each other during business hours only and the occasional after work drinks Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Told him he could tell his W or I would, they were divorced 9 months later... so did you tell his W or did he leave her? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I knew the MM for 7 years. He designed his life so that he could be available. He had ever idiotic idea in the book and the ideas worked. If a man wants to see somebody badly enough.... he will manipulate people to do it. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 confusedmandi, "where there's will, there's a way" - as they say... My exH took days off work to go out with her and got his colleagues at work to lie for him if I called ( they told me he had gone out to see a client ). He left home to play in sports teams, in matches that didn't exist (that's how he got caught). Really there is no limit to their ingenuity..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Genieve Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 My Mm had guilt trips. He would go cold and untouchable. I always wondered why. It was because he was playing happy families. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 confusedmandi, "where there's will, there's a way" - as they say... My exH took days off work to go out with her and got his colleagues at work to lie for him if I called ( they told me he had gone out to see a client ). He left home to play in sports teams, in matches that didn't exist (that's how he got caught). Really there is no limit to their ingenuity..... You are so right!! If he had used all that to put into the career he was depressed and disappointed about, we would still be together. I always tell him, he put in a lot of work to decieve me, a conversation would have been so much easier and much less damaging. He agrees. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 so did you tell his W or did he leave her? I gave him 24 hrs, he told her and filed for divorce shortly thereafter. My sister said she wasn't surprised at the news, he had already checked out of marriage. He married younger AP (his secretary ) shortly after D was final, they're already divorced. According to scuttlebutt, she cheated on him ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Those are great questions OP. I've always been intrigued to know the mental make-up of a cheater myself. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Moderation merged two similar threads into the most appropriate forum and left the content intact so there may be some duplication. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I don't know if I am welcome here but I posted this in another forum and got no replies and thought maybe I posted in the wrong place. will say even though i'm what you consider at former BS (think that's what you call it here) I didn't flip out on my husbands OW I flipped out on HIM. He's the one who made promises to me and hurt me. I didn't bother her if that helps. I'm not here to judge anyone. Long story short I'm recently divorced and dating again and since the first guy I slept with lied to me and turned out he had a serious, girlfriend.. That made me sort of revisit what happened in my marriage. I ended it because my husband cheated. I found out bits and pieces he lied his butt off we attempted to work things out but he just lied more and kept seeing his OW. He never did come clean and I know it shouldn't matter... But when are cheaters more likely to see AP? For example if we spent a great weekend together had great sex or went on a family vacation or if it's a special occasion.. Does the cheater feel more attached to their spouse and not want to see the ow or om? Do they kind of come to their senses and not want to see the AP because they had a great time at home? Do they feel guilty? I guess I'm wondering if he ran and slept with her after we spent what I thought was a great time together.. Are there any times that your MM/MW took a break from u even for a few days because they had a fantastic weekend with the wife, a kid's birthday etc? Like I said I'm divorced now and he's not with the OW but I just see how easy it is for people to cheat and just wondered if those times we had a really wonderful few days if he ran off to her or if he held back? Please be honest. Its not going to hurt me It depends on the WS, how invested they are in the A, and how well they compartmentalise, I guess. I know my H is useless at compartmentalising - he invests everything, so he'd have had trouble being with his xW during the A, because his heart was completely in the A. But I've seen others who are fully with whomever they're with at the time, without the other R even entering the back of their minds. No doubt it would also depend on the OW. If she knew he'd been with you, she may have been hurt and withdrawn, refusing to allow him to get close. Or, she may have felt competitive, and wanted to woo him from you by making it even better for him. Or she could have been complete chilled and just gone with the flow. The type of R they had would also make a difference. If it was a parallel R, as deep and committed as a M, the dynamic would be different to if it was just a roll in the hay, or a band aid to relate whatever he felt he wasn't getting in the M, or some means to "punish" you for not being the W he wanted... or any of a myriad different scenarios. But what he was wanting, or getting, would affect whether or not his time with you affected his time with her, or how. Link to post Share on other sites
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