longjourney Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Wow, I am shocked. I just logged in for the first time since my last post months ago and I found some wonderful people asking how I have been. I am truly touched. I just figured when I decided to have my WH leave, I didn't want to look back here and be reminded of the pain. Some of you have written of my "clarity", that made me chuckle. I have gotten a bit better. One thing I can say is I have learned A LOT. I continue my IC with a wonderful C and she has made me continue to keep getting up every day, as well as my children. They are my reason for being. I have learned that I was SO wrong to think that my M could be saved. I learned that my gut was right and when I "knew" my XWH loved the OW, I was right. My C made me realize that our M was not meant to be, not by any doing of mine, but that my XWH DID marry me as a second choice unfortunately. So there I sat for EVER after DDay, even after finding his second phone and I just kept my head down and tried to move forward, knowing "we" would make it. But I have now learned that I was missing a key ingredient in "we" and that was him. HE was NEVER in the M to begin with, and that was NOT my fault. I loved him completely. I loved him so much that I was trying to trick myself into NOT seeing that my XWH loved HER. I tried to believe that I had forgiven him within only a few months. WHAT CRAZY PERSON forgives AN ENTIRE MARRIAGE LTA within A FEW MONTHS??? Now that I have had more IC I realize that I was being weak. I was afraid to face the truth. I was rug sweeping his A with the hopes of just "making it go away". Any professional can tell you that is not honest or true. It won't work. What I have learned from being a BW of a LTA. That the M will NEVER be the same. It will never be "better" as I was tricking myself into thinking. I do still know that my XWH would have stayed with me, but then I would have lived my life as we did our entire M before DDay, I would have continued to be second best, even with him standing by my side. He would have been my nurse maid. He would have taken care of the chores and our children, but the thing is "I" would ALWAYS know that he was wondering "if only". If only the OW hadn't turned him down before he and I had truly started dating. If only he wouldn't have given up on her and he would have had the family he had always wanted with her. So that is one good thing from my update. I am being brutally honest and truthful with myself about what a lie my M was and would have been. I am not getting healthier physically, but emotionally I am fighting. I still have issues with my health and still fighting the fight. My sister and my parents are wonderful and help me with ALL the things I am not capable of, and that is a handful on a daily basis. As far as my XWH. He and OW are together. I don't see any sign of that fading, they have waited to long, and yes I know it has "only been a few months", but I see it when I see them together. They have "it". My step child is in their home more then the child we had together, and I do hear good things about OW from my step child. It kind of cuts deep to have to say I am grateful for the fact that she treats my children very well. If that is how silver linings go, then I guess I have one. The divorce will be final very soon. My XWH has not changed his words at all about being fair and helpful, financially and physically. He is also a wonderful father. What is the most horrible is that I feel like the intruder into what looks to be a nice family life for them, I am in the way. That is by no means what my XWH or OW say, but it is how I feel, and that is what I am currently working on in IC. Thank you all for your thoughts. I will try to check in on a weekly basis, if I am feeling up to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I am glad to hear you are doing good. I know its hard. Its going to take a while. I wouldn't get to caught up in what your stbxH is doing. I would learn to let go. He will get his in time. Its funny but it all seems to catch up to them at one point time or another. Keep moving forward with your life and as time goes you will find a much better man. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Longjourney, I know how hard it is, to admit that your marriage is over. But that step is a good step to moving on to a better future. Keep going to IC, keep your family close and use their support and love. Sounds trite, but time really is a healer. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 You are one amazing, strong. and intelligent lady. Never, ever be sorry for loving someone with your whole heart. If they can't give you the same gift, it's their loss. You will find a man who deserves you one of these days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks for the update. Proud of you. Hang in there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 This is SO-O-O heartwarming and encouraging, LJ, especially the way you raise your voice (so to speak) in understanding, strength and conviction. Hey, it's encouraging to all of us, squirming and making do with second-best situations. You've turned yourself around, sound strong and accepting. So impressed and proud of you. Thank you for checking back in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 so proud of you, you are SO strong! that feeling you have - feeling like an intruder in your own family? been there, done that. no worries, it will go away. your family is you + your children + your parents/siblings/cousins & friends... and you aren't the intruder for them. the xH & his new partner aren't your family, so you shouldn't even be thinking about them... you will get to that point, it's still too early. your xH is not a good man. he knew from the start who he wanted - yet he decieved, lied & went on to marry someone else. both him & his OW caused so much unnecessary hurt - be mad at that, anger helps. him being helpful & a wonderful father is something he SHOULD be doing, that's a norm. he isn't doing anything spectacular - good, well rounded people don't do what he did to you. you'll find someone so much better, no worries. one day at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 What is the most horrible is that I feel like the intruder into what looks to be a nice family life for them, I am in the way. That is by no means what my XWH or OW say, but it is how I feel, and that is what I am currently working on in IC. I felt the same way when my WW moved in with her OM and my daughter was there half the time. On the surface I kept thinking "What if he's a better father to my daughter than I am" or "They are so happy together, I'm in the way of their life." I can tell you it's all smoke and mirrors. Their relationship will have way more drama and problems than you and you ex ever had. Real life versus having a relationship in affairyland are two totally different things. The first time he farts in bed after Mexican night I promise you he won't seem like prince charming anymore to her. Only advice I can give it just live your life and ignore them. As long as she is decent to your children, don't sweat your time away from them. Just give them 100% of you when you do have them. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 All the best on your NEW long journey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts