I'm in love with my husband's best friend

[Eighemy]

Two days ago, my husband knocked on the door of the hotel room that I was sharing with his best friend.

I answered it..

and our lives changed forever.

 

I met my husband 7 years ago. From the day we met, I knew that we had something special. I was immediately comfortable with him. It felt as if I'd known him forever. Conversation flowed freely and easily, and we seemed compatible. We'd both had been married once before. Both had children around the same ages. We shared similar beliefs and values..and we had great chemistry.. Our friends and family members often remarked about how perfect we were for each other, and how they'd never seen us happier. We moved in together quickly, and married a few years ago.

Shortly after meeting my husband, I was introduced to his best friend, who was home from Iraq on R&R. We too hit it off, and became instant buddies. It was great. We became very close, but never crossed any lines, emotional, or physical. Once back on American soil, he was stationed in Texas. Hubby and I flew out there on several occasions to visit..the three of us partying it up..having the time of our lives. The best friend (by now both my husband's AND mine) would visit us in Chicago..we'd all hang out several times a year. We'd talk on the phone..we'd talk on facebook...and soon, I was talking to the bestie more than my husband was. And my husband was fine with it. Because it WAS fine. We would all joke and say I had two husbands...bestie was in my phone as "El Hubbo Numero Dos"- -disclaimer..I dont even know if that makes sense in Spanish...I'm just sayin'-- Bestie was again deployed, but this time to Afghanistan. We remained in touch,talking nearly every day unless he was out on a mission. He would later tell me that I was more vested in him than his own fiance. Wait..did I mention he had a fiance? No? Sorry. He did. And when he came to our home once again for R&R.. she was there too.. And we were one big happy family..And they got married..hubby and I stood up in the wedding..and less than a year later, she cheated. And they got divorced..and that..my friends...is where this happy story takes a terrible turn.

After the bestie's divorce, he was reeling from not only her affair, but from PTSD. He was out of the service..due to injury, at 40 years old...he thought he would retire from the army..not get blown up. He is now a disabled veteran. His life was changed in so many ways, he was struggling, and my husband asked me what I thought about having him to move in with us..

Now, allow me to be very clear here. At this time,my husband had withdrawn from our marriage. He was "here" but not "here" he was caught up in video games, (at 40 years old mind you) we barely spoke, touched, and sex was virtually non-existent. Not only that..but I KNEW my feelings for bestie were borderline inappropriate. I told my hub didn't think it would end well for any of us. Every single time he brought it up, I shot it down. I waved every red flag I could wave..until finally, I surrendered and agreed.

So, in October of this year, bestie moves in, and we get even closer. At this point, I was fully involved in an emotional affair with the best friend. Husband and I were on a bowling league, . husband sent bestie in his place twice. Bestie would grocery shop with me...cook with me, help with chores. Bestie slowly moved into my husbands place...and it was as if my husband was fine with it. He never said a thing about any of it. Husband then leaves to go on a hunting trip for a week, and leaves us alone together in our home. We didn't cross any physical lines..but did confess to loving each other...more than we already had. Husband comes home, things are as they were.

Flash forward to Christmas time. Husband pulls his head out of his ass. Tells us he feels like a third wheel in his own home. Bestie was asked to leave 2 days before Christmas, in a not so nice way.

Bestie and I continue to talk after he moves out. Husband and I continue to struggle. I agree to stop talking to the best friend. I write an email, asking him to leave us alone, and he does. And then 3 days later I called him and told him I couldn't not talk to him. He has been in my life for 6 years...a consistent part of my life.the person I turned to for everything. We were each other's people...and I honestly didn't want to let him go. .I don't know how to not have him around in some capacity. He's always been there. We continue to talk..I never lied to my hubby. When he asked if we were still talking, I told him the truth. A few more weeks pass...and again, for the sake of saving my marriage, I ask the best friend to stop contacting me...and again..he does, and again...I contact him. At this point I am putting the two men I love most in this world through hell. Indecision is a bitch.

A few weeks ago, after a fight with the husband (about phone calls to BF) I drove 5 hours to see my best friend. I stayed with him for 3 days. Husband thought I was with my girl BFF. This was the first time I lied..and the first time it became physical with BFF and I. And holy moly was it amazing. The connection we share is unbelievable. I can honestly say I have NEVER felt like he made me feel The openness, the sheer friendship of the whole thing makes me feel closer to him than I have ever felt. I came home, and began to lead a full on double life. Trying to make things work with the hubby, all the while still carrying on with the BFF. I can NOT let him go.

This last weekend we decided to meet at a hotel. We had a fantastic night together. Then there was the knock on the door the next morning. When I heard it, I knew immediately who it was. I opened the door, and there he was..asking me what the hell I was doing? He told me to grab my ****, and come home with him. And I did.

SO here I am. Husband is begging me to stay with him, He isn't mad.(why is he NOT MAD???) In fact when we got home he wanted me to lay down and cuddle with him. While he may not be mad, he is devastated, and wants to work things out. I do not. And this is awful for me. I want to be with my best friend. I have told my husband and he told me he will not leave..he will not give up on us. I do not have the financial means to up and leave. And things are not horrible here...but it is torturous for me to live with someone that I have hurt so deeply, and have lost interest in being with. I do not love him like a wife should love her husband. I have told him so. My heart is huge, and it's my biggest downfall. I know that when my husband asks for a hug...or wants to simply hang out with me, that I shouldn't lead him on....but I feel like I've hurt him so much already .. and I have a really hard time being mean. So things are borderline 'normal' a I haven't told him I was staying with him...I haven't assured him everything would be OK. The best I can come up with at this point in time is a "lets take this one day at a time" approach. The bestie is waiting in the wings...we want to start a life together. We belong together, I have no doubt. But I'm in a mess. I hate what I have done. What we ALL have done. This once awesome friendship between the three of us is destroyed. My marriage and life as I knew it is destroyed. All by my actions. And I am angry about it. I'm sick over it. I am spinning out of control and I can't stop it. Husband is on the verge of losing his girl, and has lost his best friend. I feel like a horrible person, but I also feel like I have the right to pursue my own happiness. I have spoken to my parents about this...my closest friends, and my children.. All they can say is-- they just want me to be happy.-- This is my choice...but it's the hardest one I have ever had to make. No matter what I do...who I choose, someone is going to get crushed ... by my actions, and I hate it.

I don't know what I expect here? I found this forum..and I needed to vent. I need input...I need help. I've found a therapist, I'm two sessions in...and I don't feel like that is helping either. I'm lost. I'm a wreck and I need to make some significant changes...but I don't know how.

WOW... what tangled webs we weave huh?

[jm2013]

What are you still lost on? You said it yourself. You love your husband's best friend more than him. What is stopping you from going to be with him besides the guilt? It is probably better off that way anyways. It would be incredibly hard to move on from what you did. It is possible but it is obvious you don't have the drive or desire to be happily married to your husband. Good luck to you.

[Eighemy]

Yes. It's guilt. It's destroying our family. Moving my children. Breaking hearts. It's awful.

[CarrieT]

Yes. It's guilt.

You can't build a marriage on guilt.

 

It's destroying our family.

The family is destroyed. That already happened.

 

Moving my children.

They will survive. Staying together "for the children" is wrong and you know it.

 

Breaking hearts.

Hearts are already broken. It is not time to try and heal them as best you can by being true to what you know is the truth; you love the other man more than the husband.

[HereNorThere]

Your husband isn't mad because he's in shock. Don't worry, the anger will come next.

 

Look, this is a defining moment in your life. You've completely destroyed a family and a friendship. Are you going to be a good person and do he right thing or are you going to continue to be this monster?

 

Either way, you have a long road ahead of you. Every time you think of this OM, imagine telling your child that you destroyed his or her future over a silly forbidden fruit fantasy. They'll find out eventually, no matter how hard you try and hide it from them. At least at this point, you can still say it was a mistake, but you chose your family over some silly crush. However, you won't always have the luxury of redeeming yourself.

[Spectre]

At least at this point, you can still say it was a mistake, but you chose your family over some silly crush.

 

Uh, what? How does that work? Did she mistakenly stumble into the best friends hotel room?

 

Or wait, were you saying she can just lie to her children and pass it off as a mistake instead of telling them the truth that she made a conscious decision that Daddy's friend was more important then their family? Yeah, at this point, she would be better off spouting the "it was a mistake" lie.

[No Limit]

Divorce. Your husband deserves better. It's also the only way for you to figure out whether it's love you feel or the affair fog. The kids will adjust in time, although I'd ask you not to move them to OM right away for their sanity. Or in case you do feel the need to be with OM right away, leave them with their dad.

[Ralph79]

Your situation is indeed very complicated to say the least and I know that there are hundreds of pages more of circumstances that brought you and your best friend together.

 

As compelling as your story is, your affair, as understandable and inevitable as you paint it out to be is still inexcusable.

 

You should have left your husband if you were unsatisfied with your marriage and then you would've had the freedom to do anything you wanted. Who knows, maybe your friend would have sided with him in case you opted for a divorce. We'll never know that now because You and your friend made a mistake that outweighs the neglect your husband is guilty of.

 

You Cheated.

 

Unfortunately there is no way to keep anyone from getting hurt further.

 

Your best friend, a Wounded Veteran and a poor victim of heartbreak himself is SCUM. He KNEW how painful it is to be Cheated on, and HE CHOSE to inflict that same pain on HIS BEST FRIEND.

 

What does that tell you of his moral character?

 

I'm sorry. I don't believe it's love that you feel for his friend. Once what you've done and what he's done to your husband really HITS you, I hope you see that it's going to be difficult to start a new life with your friend and think you can make it far.

 

I'm not sure weather your marriage is worth saving, but it's definitely in need of MAJOR therapy. For both you and your husband. Even if it's just to breakup. You and him need professional help. And your friend can go to hell for all I care.

[Chi townD]

This spun me up. You actually think that you and his best friend have a future together? Stats show that 7-14% of relationships that start out from affairs actually make it the long haul. Because the foundation of the relationship is built on the pain of others! And when it ends because the odds are massively against you, you will have NOTHING but a lot of people that you hurt and nothing to show for it. Plus, this guy has PTSD! You only see this guy a couple of times here and there, do you honestly think that you can handle someone in the middle of a PTSD rage or the possible drug and alcohol abuse that might come with it? Most MARRIED service couples end up in divorce because of it and it's happening in droves!

 

 

And what about your kids? If your husband came on here, I would be the FIRST to tell him to file an injunction not allowing you to take those kids out of state. And your kids aren't stupid. If you leave there father for his best friend, they're going to know. They're going to know that the man your with broke up your family. Don't expect them to do cartwheels for this dude entering their lives. They might not want anything to do with you. It's happened before with others!

 

 

Yeah, your "soul mate" "man of your dreams". This douche rocket has NO PROBLEM breaking up a family. Going after a MARRIED WOMAN. This asshat ain't no Prince Charming. But what should you care? This is about YOUR happiness, right? You stated that you don't love your husband as a wife should. Well, kinda hard to do when your screwing his best friend! hard to love someone as a wife when you don't act like a wife. I mean, I hate going off like this, but your post has very little remorse to it at all!

 

 

You've been through two individual counseling session and you don't think that it's working. Probably not! You probably hooked up with some Oprah/ Dr. Phil type counselor that probably blames your husband for your choices. That if he just this this, that or the other then you wouldn't have cheated. Here's the rub, you cheating was a CHOICE you made. Your husband had NOTHING to do with that. So, I would encourage you to find a counselor that specializes in infidelity. That's a counselor that will make you own up to your own sh*t.

[Janesays]

You and 'bestie' deserve each other.

 

The kindest thing you can do for your husband is divorce him so he can find a better class of wife and Mother for his children.

[Chi townD]

Oh, and I just realized something. You're in my geographical area. You do realize that Illinois is an "at fault" state right?

[BetrayedH]

"My heart is huge and it's my biggest downfall."

 

You must be kidding, right?

 

As for your right to find happiness, you gave up the right to go off and play single when you married your husband and tied him to you for life with children. You had no right to betray him with his best friend. You had an obligation to protect your husband, to have his back when no one else did. Instead, you stabbed him in it.

 

Want to do the 'right thing?' Honor your commitment to your marriage. You have no excuse but your own selfishness if you decide to do anything else.

 

God help your poor husband. He trusted the both of you and is going to lose everything for it.

[DKT3]

What are you still lost on? You said it yourself. You love your husband's best friend more than him. What is stopping you from going to be with him besides the guilt? It is probably better off that way anyways. It would be incredibly hard to move on from what you did. It is possible but it is obvious you don't have the drive or desire to be happily married to your husband. Good luck to you.

 

Its not guilt, judging from her OP she doesn't give a rats arse about her husband. Its MONEY, she clearly stated she doesn't have the means. So she will continue to allow Hubby to foot the bill while she figures out a way to be with OM.

 

This is a very common story. Girl meets boy 1, falls in love then meets boy 2. As she becomes closer to boy 2 she blames boy 1 for any and all problems, not understanding that her growing connection with boy 2 is the problem with her relationship with boy 1. Boy 1 finds out about boy 2 and the girl stays with boy 1 not because she cares for him but because he can provide a better way of life.

 

Put your big girl panties on and leave. Your husband will be better off without you, and honestly once the shock wears off he will most likely run you off.

[HurtOfGlass]

People may slate me for this but at every step of the way the husband is at fault here.

 

I know this is only one side to the story but the husband has allowed the guy to be moved into their marital home, left his wife alone with him and what not....

 

Practically he was giving his wife to this guy in a platter.

 

For her, defence she repeatedly said no to moving him in, objected to go out with him alone. But he did not listen until it was too late.

What she was to think when her husband was acting this way?

 

P.S. - There is a limit to friendship. Just because u want to help a friend, you dont bring them into your family sanctuary. My father had many friends. But I had never seen a friend talk to my mother alone.

[Gofsttrnlft]

Your best friend, a Wounded Veteran and a poor victim of heartbreak himself is SCUM. He KNEW how painful it is to be Cheated on, and HE CHOSE to inflict that same pain on HIS BEST FRIEND.

 

What does that tell you of his moral character?

 

 

THIS!! ^^^^^^^^

 

And OP, you watched it all happen and did the same thing to your husband.

 

This is such a mess all I can say is, whatever you "adults" decide to do, keep the impact on your children as close to zero as possible no matter what. I pray for their sake there is enough character between the three of you to at least do that.

[BlueIris]

Divorce. You are invested in the friend and not your husband and marriage. Start working too. Have a decent and cooperative divorce if possible. Your kids will be the ones to suffer if it gets vicious, and vicious divorces waste money and energy.

[Sub]

I may be focusing on a minor detail, but: you tell your family, your friends and your kids that you've been having an A with your H's best friend, whom you'll be leaving him for....and they all have the stock "we just want you to be happy" reaction? Does that seem a little odd to you?

[Ralph79]

I may be focusing on a minor detail, but: you tell your family, your friends and your kids that you've been having an A with your H's best friend, whom you'll be leaving him for....and they all have the stock "we just want you to be happy" reaction? Does that seem a little odd to you?

 

“In this treacherous world Nothing is the truth nor a lie. Everything depends on the color Of the crystal through which one sees it”

 

― Pedro Calderón de la Barca

[BetrayedH]

This is a very common story. Girl meets boy 1, falls in love then meets boy 2. As she becomes closer to boy 2 she blames boy 1 for any and all problems, not understanding that her growing connection with boy 2 is the problem with her relationship with boy 1.

 

This ^^^^. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. OP, you've been watering this other dude's lawn and now you wonder why it looks so good over there while your lawn looks brown. If you were unhappy in your marriage, your obligation was to fix it, not to turn to your husband's best friend. There's a ton of books on how to restore intimacy in a marriage. You could have demanded counseling. And you could have kept your boundaries. Hell, those things can still be done considering that you have such a forgiving husband at home. Are you going to do the right thing now or are you going to continue on this horrible path?

 

I also find it appalling that you're only staying home because you can't afford to leave. You're dragging your H's heart thru the mud because you can't even leave him properly. He's basically funding your affair now. How awful.

 

Recommit to your marriage or get the heck out of there and live with the consequences of what you've done. And you sure as heck better not plan on taking his children from him.

[No Limit]

Practically he was giving his wife to this guy in a platter.

 

Not gonna slate you but, what? How does moving someone in remove the choice of not participating in infidelity?

[BetrayedH]

I may be focusing on a minor detail, but: you tell your family, your friends and your kids that you've been having an A with your H's best friend, whom you'll be leaving him for....and they all have the stock "we just want you to be happy" reaction? Does that seem a little odd to you?

 

In my experience, people don't know what the hell to say. So they say "good luck" and then gossip to their friends. But with family, I've learned that blood is typically thicker than water. I lost all of my inlaws instantly (after 18 years of being with my wife).

[No Limit]

Your kids will be the ones to suffer if it gets vicious, and vicious divorces waste money and energy.

 

They're bound to be hurt anyway. The guy that was sharing their breakfast table is 50% the reason why their family is broken. What could be more humiliating?

[BetrayedH]

Not gonna slate you but, what? How does moving someone in remove the choice of not participating in infidelity?

 

Yep. The guy certainly made some errors in not "mate-protecting" his wife but he did it in the spirit of trust. It's not a capital crime. And as you've aptly pointed out, she always had a choice. She made a poor one and is still doing it.

[Chi townD]

Blah... this is a dead thread anyway. She probably isn't coming back here because she isn't hearing what she wants to hear.

[HurtOfGlass]

Not gonna slate you but, what? How does moving someone in remove the choice of not participating in infidelity?

 

I don't know. Maybe its a cultural thing. Maybe Westerners are more liberal and trusting in their friends.

 

But in Indian culture, this is highly inappropriate. Its viewed as something that disturbs marriage.