7 years later & I still love affair partner...

[Kaela]

I did a horrible thing years ago and fell in love while I was married. My husband was a drug addict, and for almost 7 years I was caught up in that lifestyle. Then I got sober & he wouldn't. I thought I could change him. Honestly though, we were never in love. We were bestfriends who enabled each other.

That doesn't excuse what I did though...

After a 2 year emotional affair with "J" things got physical & within a few weeks I'd left my husband and J left his girlfriend.

A week after that he dumped me. I was crushed. I had said stuff about how I was confused and that I still loved my husband but I wasn't going back. Later he told me that he got scared I'd run back to my husband & so he decided to protect himself and leave first.

Anyway, things ended badly between J and I. I said some very hurtful things, I started dating other guys and within 6 months was engaged to my current husband...

Even though I was still heartbroken over J. But I knew he didn't want me and I knew I'd be in love with him forever no matter what so I might as well force myself to move on. I guess I was also scared to be alone.

Then J and I talked and admitted we were in love with each other through email. My fiance found the emails, sent them to J's girlfriend and **** hit the fan. Again.

I was a coward and didn't trust that J really meant what he said so I told my fiance & J that I was sorry and that I wanted to stay with my fiance. (In reality I wanted J to be the one to put himself out there and fight for me) Anyway, things ended badly again. J told me he didn't actually love me, he was just fighting with his girlfriend and liked the attention. I flipped out on him and said horrible things and messaged his girlfriend and told her everything.

BTW, I'm very ashamed of all this. I know I was acting like a coward and being selfish.

J blocked me after that and we didn't speak for 7 years.

 

Fiance (F) and I almost broke up a few times. He has/had rage issues. But then I got pregnant. That changed everything. J was pushed from my mind and all I cared about was creating a happy safe home for my baby. F was so kind to me the whole pregnancy.

Then I gave birth and after that he was cruel again. I'm sure the stress and lack of sleep didn't help.

We went out drinking with friends one night (we never really party but we wanted to celebrate) and F got drunk and went off on me. I was very scared. He shoved me down and screamed in my face that I was a slut and a whore. He said he was divorcing me and taking our son away. He said that since he makes 7 figures a year and I'm just a stay at home mom that his lawyers will destroy me and I'll never see our son again.

I was scared for my physical safety and called my cop friend. No report was filed and things had called down by the time he arrived.

That was 4 years ago. He hasn't drank around me since. A beer or two on vacation but nothing bad.

He has, however been scary & gone off on a raging rampage more than a few times... We're having a good month but if I'm honest with myself it happens every 6 weeks to varying degrees. It's never physical though.

Besides that he's a really great husband and father. He's attentive, kind, he provides for us, helps out around the house, makes dinner, etc. We actually have a really good marriage.

I do love him. But not as much as I love J. In all this time he's never left my mind or my heart. We started talking again almost a year ago. Just messaging each other. We were both very tentative at first, but after a while we started really talking about the past... We both apologized and admitted we still loved each other. He said he's happy for me that I have a great guy and a child and he's not going to come mess that up. And he's not...I'm always the one that messages him. I think about him every day and it's so hard not to message him...it's like I'm white knuckling it every second...I'm scared to fall anymore in love with him, I'm scared to hurt him and my husband, I'm scared to ruin my son's home, and I'm scared of what my husband would do if he found out we were talking- even just as friends. My husband has said before that he would kill me if I had an affair. The look on his face scared me but I tired to pretend he was just kidding when he said it. But he said that he was serious and that he'd kill me. I still don't know...

I'm so confused and feel so guilty. I don't know what to do and it's been so long and I still love J with all my heart.

What do I do? I'm in counseling.My husband agreed to go to marriage counseling...but what if we fix our marriage and I still just love J more? Is it selfish to leave a good marriage to a loving husband and father just because my heart wants someone else? And would J even want me?

[jm2013]

Sounds like you've made up your mind already. You have made it clear that your love for J runs deeps and you're willing to ruin your M over J to quench your love/lust. It sounds like you're treading on thin ice though. You are obviously wrapped up in an emotional affair and sound like you are about to take that bait again and move on to the physical aspects of it. You should learn about history and what happens and use that as your guide to correctly move forward in a meaningful way. Once you go back to J I'm will to bet he'll do the same thing he did the first time after he's fulfilled sexually with you. Remember, you're not only cheating on your husband but cheating your kids out of a full time father with your actions. Later on in life your kids may have resentment towards you for your inconsiderate actions which ultimately will break up your family. Good luck to you and tread wise.

[DKT3]

If I'm being honest about what I think from what you've said, I would have to say, I don't for a second believe your two marriages were close to what your saying. It seems that you continue to bring guys into this mess that is your life, hurt them because you wonjt commit, blame them then sit back and play the victim. Worst yet, you've brought a child into this situation. All for what? A guy that your lusting after that doesn't want you.

 

The first step in bettering this situation is getting yourself single. Then work on yourself. You don't need to drag any other poor little spiders into your dark web.

[Kaela]

If I'm being honest about what I think from what you've said, I would have to say, I don't for a second believe your two marriages were close to what your saying. It seems that you continue to bring guys into this mess that is your life, hurt them because you wonjt commit, blame them then sit back and play the victim. Worst yet, you've brought a child into this situation. All for what? A guy that your lusting after that doesn't want you.

 

The first step in bettering this situation is getting yourself single. Then work on yourself. You don't need to drag any other poor little spiders into your dark web.

 

...Why would I lie to strangers about my previous marriage? Or my current one?

I'm not playing the victim, and I already said I'm in counseling for myself.

[Kaela]

Sounds like you've made up your mind already. You have made it clear that your love for J runs deeps and you're willing to ruin your M over J to quench your love/lust. It sounds like you're treading on thin ice though. You are obviously wrapped up in an emotional affair and sound like you are about to take that bait again and move on to the physical aspects of it. You should learn about history and what happens and use that as your guide to correctly move forward in a meaningful way. Once you go back to J I'm will to bet he'll do the same thing he did the first time after he's fulfilled sexually with you. Remember, you're not only cheating on your husband but cheating your kids out of a full time father with your actions. Later on in life your kids may have resentment towards you for your inconsiderate actions which ultimately will break up your family. Good luck to you and tread wise.

 

You're right. I guess I didn't want to admit to myself that it's an EA right now with J. And you're right I need to focus on my family. I'm in counseling now and I hope that will help.

[purplesorrow]

What's so great about j?

[Ralph79]

Your whole perspective on "J" is skewed. You had a train wreck of a 1st marriage. The worst possible kind. And "J" came in and literally got you out of the gutter. So your image of him and your feelings for him are greatly augmented because you were in a rat hole prior to him. By comparison he's God's gift to women.

 

But take a serious look at who "J" is.

 

1. He cheated on his girlfriend while you were cheating on your 1st husband. That doesn't speak well of the guy.

 

2. He has commitment issues. Could seriously have a BPD. Letting someone go because they fear you are going to leave them first is a real persistent and ugly problem these people suffer from and make your life miserable.

 

3. He cheated on his girlfriend again (don't know if it was a different one), although it was just an emotional texting affair, when you were with your fiancee.

 

4. He's still stirring the pot all these years later. A respectable human being would not admit to loving you while you were still married knowing your track record.

 

I'm sorry but 2 things I can see here:

 

A) You are not IN-LOVE with "J". You are obsessed with him. There's a difference. Your mind is full of what if's. He would have cheated on you (and you probably wouldn't care given the degree of obsession), and you would've been a worse person for it. You're not IN-LOVE with your husband either but don't kid yourself, you know you are a way better person because of him. And I'm not just saying this because he's your husband. I truly believe he has stabilized your life.

 

B) "J" Doesn't love you. The idea of being with each other when you shouldn't is probably what is driving him to proceed with the relationship, but as soon as he has you... if you tell him you have made a decision to leave your husband and kid to be with him ... he will run away and cut ties and disappear. That's the type of person he appears to be.

 

My advice:

 

Think about yourself, your wants, your needs. Take your husband , your kids, and J out of the picture. Who are you? What do you expect out of life? You must find joy within yourself in order to be able to share it with others. Don't rely on interactions with J to be happy. Find your passion and maybe then you can make an informed decision on weather it's worth leaving what you and your husband have built together or start a new with this J person.

[Kaela]

Your whole perspective on "J" is skewed. You had a train wreck of a 1st marriage. The worst possible kind. And "J" came in and literally got you out of the gutter. So your image of him and your feelings for him are greatly augmented because you were in a rat hole prior to him. By comparison he's God's gift to women.

 

But take a serious look at who "J" is.

 

1. He cheated on his girlfriend while you were cheating on your 1st husband. That doesn't speak well of the guy.

 

2. He has commitment issues. Could seriously have a BPD. Letting someone go because they fear you are going to leave them first is a real persistent and ugly problem these people suffer from and make your life miserable.

 

3. He cheated on his girlfriend again (don't know if it was a different one), although it was just an emotional texting affair, when you were with your fiancee.

 

4. He's still stirring the pot all these years later. A respectable human being would not admit to loving you while you were still married knowing your track record.

 

I'm sorry but 2 things I can see here:

 

A) You are not IN-LOVE with "J". You are obsessed with him. There's a difference. Your mind is full of what if's. He would have cheated on you (and you probably wouldn't care given the degree of obsession), and you would've been a worse person for it. You're not IN-LOVE with your husband either but don't kid yourself, you know you are a way better person because of him. And I'm not just saying this because he's your husband. I truly believe he has stabilized your life.

 

B) "J" Doesn't love you. The idea of being with each other when you shouldn't is probably what is driving him to proceed with the relationship, but as soon as he has you... if you tell him you have made a decision to leave your husband and kid to be with him ... he will run away and cut ties and disappear. That's the type of person he appears to be.

 

My advice:

 

Think about yourself, your wants, your needs. Take your husband , your kids, and J out of the picture. Who are you? What do you expect out of life? You must find joy within yourself in order to be able to share it with others. Don't rely on interactions with J to be happy. Find your passion and maybe then you can make an informed decision on weather it's worth leaving what you and your husband have built together or start a new with this J person.

 

This is almost exactly what my therapist just told me...not so much the assessment of J, or that I'm not in love with my husband, but that I need to work on myself. And that I absolutely cannot work on one relationship while I'm in two. Even If it's just friendly texts every once in a while, the word love HAS been said and there's no putting that cat back in the bag...

 

Going forward, I'm going to continue NC with J. And I know it'll be very hard at first. (It's been 1 week so far).My husband has agreed to go to marriage counseling and I'm seeing a counselor myself. I do love my husband. I don't bring up his anger issues to justify my actions, but just to explain what our problems always revolve around. Maybe if we could honestly try to talk and both apologize then we wouldn't resent each other so much...

And I'm also focusing on myself & fixing my depression, healing from past sexual abuse, treating myself better, etc.

 

It makes me sad to think J doesn't love me, or that he's just drawn to me because it's forbidden. But I guess either way, taking with him will only end up hurting everyone. So I won't. It'll be hard but I won't. Thank god I'm seeing a counselor every week. That helps me stay strong and focus on the real issues instead of trying to run to J.

I guess I am obsessed with him and thoughts of "what

if". Someone else just asked "Why J? What's so great about him?" And on the one hand I simply love him. On the other hand I know there are deeper physiological issues I have that make me drawn to him... But this time I'm not going to just run wherever my feelings tell me. I'm going to work on myself and my marriage and I know eventually things will become clear.

[DKT3]

Your whole perspective on "J" is skewed. You had a train wreck of a 1st marriage. The worst possible kind. And "J" came in and literally got you out of the gutter. So your image of him and your feelings for him are greatly augmented because you were in a rat hole prior to him. By comparison he's God's gift to women.

 

But take a serious look at who "J" is.

 

1. He cheated on his girlfriend while you were cheating on your 1st husband. That doesn't speak well of the guy.

 

2. He has commitment issues. Could seriously have a BPD. Letting someone go because they fear you are going to leave them first is a real persistent and ugly problem these people suffer from and make your life miserable.

 

3. He cheated on his girlfriend again (don't know if it was a different one), although it was just an emotional texting affair, when you were with your fiancee.

 

4. He's still stirring the pot all these years later. A respectable human being would not admit to loving you while you were still married knowing your track record.

 

I'm sorry but 2 things I can see here:

 

A) You are not IN-LOVE with "J". You are obsessed with him. There's a difference. Your mind is full of what if's. He would have cheated on you (and you probably wouldn't care given the degree of obsession), and you would've been a worse person for it. You're not IN-LOVE with your husband either but don't kid yourself, you know you are a way better person because of him. And I'm not just saying this because he's your husband. I truly believe he has stabilized your life.

 

B) "J" Doesn't love you. The idea of being with each other when you shouldn't is probably what is driving him to proceed with the relationship, but as soon as he has you... if you tell him you have made a decision to leave your husband and kid to be with him ... he will run away and cut ties and disappear. That's the type of person he appears to be.

 

My advice:

 

Think about yourself, your wants, your needs. Take your husband , your kids, and J out of the picture. Who are you? What do you expect out of life? You must find joy within yourself in order to be able to share it with others. Don't rely on interactions with J to be happy. Find your passion and maybe then you can make an informed decision on weather it's worth leaving what you and your husband have built together or start a new with this J person.

 

Yeap, she is in love with the idea that J is riding a white horse.

 

Kaela, I'm not saying that you are lying to us. I believe that your not being honest with yourself thus telling us a twisted vision of what likely really happened. This is in part because you may feel the need to make what you have with J mean more then it actually did because this far you have been willing to drop everything for the slight chance of having something with him. The second part is by convincing yourself that everything in your past relationships including your two marriages where bad because of the men, it gaves you the justification to carry on with J in the manner that you have for all these years. Lessening your guilt and blame shifting it all on your past partners.

 

Its important for you to get honest here, because you and J will never be "together". His actions say he doesn't see you as that woman. He sees you as a woman that will allow him to come in get his ego stroked then go find another that he does see as that woman. Rinse wash and repeat.

 

How many broken hearts and crushed people do you have to leave behind you as you chase this idea?

[Rainbowlove]

he would kill me if I had an affair. The look on his face scared me but I tired to pretend he was just kidding when he said it. But he said that he was serious and that he'd kill me.

 

Wake up, please.

 

Your biggest issue here is not that you are in love with J.

 

Your biggest issue here is that your H has threatened to kill you. WTF!!

 

How can you say you have a good marriage and he's a good man...when he's threatened to end your life?

 

I'm sorry, if anyone ever said that to me, my arse would be OUT THE DOOR IN A HEART BEAT with my boy in hand!!!!.

 

I can't even tackle the J dilemma. None of that is important to me as much as your safety and your son's safety.

Edited February 4, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[TrustedthenBusted]

Reading **** like this makes me want to encourage my sons to never get married.

[Rainbowlove]

Reading **** like this makes me want to encourage my sons to never get married.

 

And daughters...

[Chi townD]

Wake up, please.

 

Your biggest issue here is not that you are in love with J.

 

Your biggest issue here is that your H has threatened to kill you. WTF!!

 

How can you say you have a good marriage and he's a good man...when he's threatened to end your life?

 

I'm sorry, if anyone ever said that to me, my arse would be OUT THE DOOR IN A HEART BEAT with my boy in hand!!!!.

 

I can't even tackle the J dilemma. None of that is important to me as much as your safety and your son's safety.

 

 

Unless she's inflating the truth and making it more than what it truly is. I mean, it would make sense to demonize your spouse in order to justify your feelings for someone else. A way to cope with the guilt.

[Rainbowlove]

Unless she's inflating the truth and making it more than what it truly is. I mean, it would make sense to demonize your spouse in order to justify your feelings for someone else. A way to cope with the guilt.

 

Demonize to that extreme? She has nothing to gain to tell a bunch of strangers what he said...

 

Anyway, yes, I agree that most waywards do compile a list of injustices or short comings their spouse has done or has. I'm guilty of that to a degree.

 

This is alarming, if it's true.

[Chi townD]

Demonize to that extreme? She has nothing to gain to tell a bunch of strangers what he said...

 

Anyway, yes, I agree that most waywards do compile a list of injustices or short comings their spouse has done or has. I'm guilty of that to a degree.

 

This is alarming, if it's true.

 

How extreme? Hell, I probably said I wanted to kill at least three other drivers on the road today going to work.

[Rainbowlove]

How extreme? Hell, I probably said I wanted to kill at least three other drivers on the road today going to work.

 

Why are you defending someone you don't know?

 

Also, your defense of her husband's comments are belittling her.

 

Let it go, man.

 

Let the woman comment.

 

I don't care if you tell some idiot on the road you are going to kill them, but if someone says that to a spouse, there's an issue.

 

Get help if you feel like you need it for your road rage...

[coryreply]

You're getting great advice here, friend. I will second it. I think you're in love with the idea of being with J. Your mind had adopted the fantasy as if it were the truth. Stay with the counseling and stay focused on moving forward with your husband in a more healthy way. Best of luck to you!

[harrybrown]

Be totally honest with your H.

 

Tell him all about J. I do hope for your child that you realize J is a user and an abuser.

 

You have thrown away one marriage and going on two. You will never find happiness with J. He is not a KISA. (knight in shining armor)

 

But be honest with your H. If you do not care for him, then time to set him free.

 

Good luck to you. You will not find happiness from others until you find happiness within you. Work on yourself before the next relationship.

[Kaela]

Demonize to that extreme? She has nothing to gain to tell a bunch of strangers what he said...

 

Anyway, yes, I agree that most waywards do compile a list of injustices or short comings their spouse has done or has. I'm guilty of that to a degree.

 

This is alarming, if it's true.

 

Yes, it is true. I didn't leave right when he said it because I assume he didn't really mean it. I have been scared of him before because of his rage issues but I don't think he'd actually physically hurt me...although if he was blackout drunk I don't know...

 

But it's not like I'm in fear of my life or anything. If I really believed he'd hurt me then I'd leave. I feel like he said that as a way of "beating his chest" and trying to intimidate me into not hurting him I guess? ...I don't know really but it's something I'm going to bring up in our marriage counselling.

[Kaela]

Yeap, she is in love with the idea that J is riding a white horse.

 

Kaela, I'm not saying that you are lying to us. I believe that your not being honest with yourself thus telling us a twisted vision of what likely really happened. This is in part because you may feel the need to make what you have with J mean more then it actually did because this far you have been willing to drop everything for the slight chance of having something with him. The second part is by convincing yourself that everything in your past relationships including your two marriages where bad because of the men, it gaves you the justification to carry on with J in the manner that you have for all these years. Lessening your guilt and blame shifting it all on your past partners.

 

Its important for you to get honest here, because you and J will never be "together". His actions say he doesn't see you as that woman. He sees you as a woman that will allow him to come in get his ego stroked then go find another that he does see as that woman. Rinse wash and repeat.

 

How many broken hearts and crushed people do you have to leave behind you as you chase this idea?

 

...Hmm...that's a good point. I never realized I had cast J as a knight on a white horse... Weird how we do stuff without consciously acknowledging it.

[Kaela]

You're getting great advice here, friend. I will second it. I think you're in love with the idea of being with J. Your mind had adopted the fantasy as if it were the truth. Stay with the counseling and stay focused on moving forward with your husband in a more healthy way. Best of luck to you!

 

I will definitely stay in counseling...Thank you very much.

[Kaela]

Be totally honest with your H.

 

Tell him all about J. I do hope for your child that you realize J is a user and an abuser.

 

You have thrown away one marriage and going on two. You will never find happiness with J. He is not a KISA. (knight in shining armor)

 

But be honest with your H. If you do not care for him, then time to set him free.

 

Good luck to you. You will not find happiness from others until you find happiness within you. Work on yourself before the next relationship.

 

Thank you...I know I have a lot of work to do....

[Kaela]

Reading **** like this makes me want to encourage my sons to never get married.

 

I would imagine every post in a forum called "Infidelity" would lead one to that conclusion....

[Rainbowlove]

I'd be in love with him forever no matter what

 

This is how we subconsciously trap ourselves into thoughts. We say them, then we believe them and sabotage any relationship moving forward. Why?

 

Because you are married to the idea that only J could make you happy. Truth is only you can make you happy. No man. No person. Happiness comes from within.

 

I do love him. But not as much as I love J. In all this time he's never left my mind or my heart.

 

More of the same self-sabotaging thoughts. Your husband, your marriage never stood a chance from the start. No one can hold a candle to J.

 

Is it selfish to leave a good marriage to a loving husband and father just because my heart wants someone else? And would J even want me?

 

You want what you can't have. It's not real. You think he will solve all your problems. He won't. He's not the answer. Thus far in your relationship with him you've only harmed each other.

 

Continue with counseling alone and with your hubby. See how you've set yourself up to believe no other relationship is as good as the one with J - even though that didn't seem all that great either.

[sandylee1]

I would be very worried and concerned that he threatened to kill you if you had an affair. Im not saying an affair is good but he is a violent man and I would take that seriously. The threat that he would take your son and his attorney would destroy you. Honestly he sounds like a bully.

 

You should be on your own and divorce him. I can't imagine being with a man who threatened to kill me. You do know that asides from money as a motive, the other top reason for spousal murder is infidelity.

 

He earns 7 figures so you'll get a good settlement.