Need some advice -first time posting

[hurtandconfused2014]

Hello,

 

I need some advice on how to proceed. When I was 9 months pregnant (6 days before giving birth to our first child), we took some maternity photos with our camera.

 

After he left, I went to view the pictures and somehow landed on the video playback portion. This is where I heard audio of my husband having sex with someone for about 3 minutes....there was 27 more minutes of this but being that I felt like I was going to endanger my child by getting completely worked up, I could not listen to anymore. I called my husband immediatley to confront him and he came home. He claimed it was phone sex and he accidentely recorded himself. Denied it was any physical contact and he never cheated on me physically. Do not believe him and he erased the video.

 

During the pregnancy we did not have sex as I was too nervous. Prior to that, I was always the one who wanted sex more. He claims he was pushed away so he resorted to this.

 

After our child was born, I was incredibly hurt and angry. Now 18 months later, we still have not had sex. I asked him to get tested over a year ago for my own piece of mind, but he says he does not need to as he did not do anything. So we stand at a standstill, basically living as roomates.

 

Prior to this incident, there was a time where I found an email account where he was looking for a blow job on craigslist...so I know he has the propensity to cheat. He also goes out a lot at night on weekends and has always been super secretive about his phone....I just do not know what to do...any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

[Minnie09]

Ugh. Sorry to hear that.

Well, it doesn't sound like your H is remorseful at all. He said he did not do anything physically with another woman, but that is not even the point. Apparently, he did at least cheat over the phone, and I mean, isn't phone sex cheating also? Plus, you have evidence that he was actively looking for a hookup, and he's being secretive. Actively looking for a hookup on Craigslist, being secretive with one's phone, disappearing at night, engaging sexually with someone on the phone, even IF nothing more has ever happened (and I say IF, because he's already lying, obviously - what else is he hiding?).......those are PLENTY of red flags.

 

His intentions are clear. IF nothing has happened YET, then nobody was AVAILABLE, but he still WANTED to "do" something on the side. Do you get the point? Just because nothing happened doesn't mean he can explain it away....it didn't happen, because he didn't find the right person, or no person at all. However, he did make an ACTIVE effort to find a hookup. It's not like he gets hit on all the time and rejects thousands of interested girls every week. It's the other way around, obviously. So he's not the saint that stays faithul (while his W is pregnant, mind you), and you're not out of line asking him what he's been up to. He is being disrespectful, not only because he's sneaky and dishonest and chases oher women, but also because he's not doing anything to clean up the mess after he gets caught. Not getting tested? Really? How come he gets to make that call? Doesn't he think that you've got EVERY reason to be worried about STDs? Doesn't he respect his W enough to give her that piece of mind after she shows him her loyalty by not dumping him after finding so much evidence?

 

You have to put your foot down, and make new rules for your M, especially now that you've got a kid. He is not cherishing his family at all.

[SawtoothMars]

Hello,

I need some advice on how to proceed. When I was 9 months pregnant (6 days before giving birth to our first child), we took some maternity photos with our camera.

After he left, I went to view the pictures and somehow landed on the video playback portion. This is where I heard audio of my husband having sex with someone for about 3 minutes....there was 27 more minutes of this but being that I felt like I was going to endanger my child by getting completely worked up, I could not listen to anymore. I called my husband immediatley to confront him and he came home. He claimed it was phone sex and he accidentely recorded himself. Denied it was any physical contact and he never cheated on me physically. Do not believe him and he erased the video.

During the pregnancy we did not have sex as I was too nervous. Prior to that, I was always the one who wanted sex more. He claims he was pushed away so he resorted to this.

After our child was born, I was incredibly hurt and angry. Now 18 months later, we still have not had sex. I asked him to get tested over a year ago for my own piece of mind, but he says he does not need to as he did not do anything. So we stand at a standstill, basically living as roomates.

Prior to this incident, there was a time where I found an email account where he was looking for a blow job on craigslist...so I know he has the propensity to cheat. He also goes out a lot at night on weekends and has always been super secretive about his phone....I just do not know what to do...any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

 

I'm really sorry to read this. It honestly sounds as if your husband just doesn't want to be faithful. Some guys just are not the type. My cousin has never dated a woman that he didn't cheat on. The kid has probably dated 30 or 40 women at 26. He isn't going to change.

 

My advice is that you should decide whether you want to live with him always cheating, or divorce divorce him. IF you can deal with his creeping around... then maybe you can force him to stop, slowdown, or be sneakier.

[No Limit]

He knows you can't prove it so he'll play the innocent one. Basically until you catch him red handed someday nothing is going to change.

[oldshirt]

Hello,

 

 

After he left, I went to view the pictures and somehow landed on the video playback portion. This is where I heard audio of my husband having sex with someone for about 3 minutes....

 

 

was he having actual physical sex with a real person or was he dirty talk with a phone sex operator?

 

Also, was there any video to it at all or just audio?

 

 

there was 27 more minutes of this but being that I felt like I was going to endanger my child by getting completely worked up, I could not listen to anymore.

 

 

babies are not that delicate and neither are pregnant women. What was the real reason you stopped listening and the real reason you didn't look for any more evidence? Was it you had enough evidence he was talking to someone and didn't want to listen any more because you would realize it was just some 1-900 numer?

 

 

 

I called my husband immediatley to confront him and he came home. He claimed it was phone sex and he accidentely recorded himself. Denied it was any physical contact and he never cheated on me physically. Do not believe him and he erased the video.

 

I guess I don't buy that he "accidentally" recorded it either but if it was clearly phone sex, that would be apparent as opposed to real sex. My guess is he recorded it for his "spank bank" so he could listen again later if you know what mean. I don't quite get it myself as I am not in to phone sex in the slightest, but I do understand that these are pretty desperate times for him and he may be doing things that a normal guy under normal situations wouldn't ( more on that later)

 

During the pregnancy we did not have sex as I was too nervous.

 

did your doctor order you to be on pelvic rest due to a high-risk pregnancy or do to any actual complications that required you to forgo any kind of vaginal activity or did you take it upon yourself to unilaterally end the intimacy in your marriage?

 

Did you discuss this with your OB/GYN so you would be aware of what the risks and benefits of sexual activity would be during pregnancy??? There are some situations where pelvis rest is necessary but most OB/GYN physicians recommend an active sex life during a normal pregnancy for a variety of benefits.

 

Did you discuss this with your husband and come up with alternate activities for intimacy such as oral, handjobs etc?

 

We're you just using the pregnancy as an excuse to avoid contact with him??

 

Did you think you would really be able to just cut out the intimacy in your marriage and he would be ok with it and nothing like this would happen????

 

 

He claims he was pushed away so he resorted to this.

 

 

again, did you really think he would be ok with it and just live happily ever after with no marital intimacy?

 

 

After our child was born, I was incredibly hurt and angry. Now 18 months later, we still have not had sex.

 

clarify the math for me, has it been 18 months since you've had sex or has it been 2 years and 3 months since you've had sex???

 

Either way, Why have you let this drag on and fester like this and addressed it in a constructive manner such as counseling, getting to the bottom of whether he actually cheated or not etc?

 

 

I asked him to get tested over a year ago for my own piece of mind, but he says he does not need to as he did not do anything.

 

i wouldn't either if I didn't do anything. Besides you are not sexually active with him and I don't think you ever intend to be so I don't think you have the right to tell him to do that.

 

I think this was a ploy to humiliate and "punish" him for the phone sex.

 

 

So we stand at a standstill, basically living as roomates.

 

yes you are. And how much longer do you think it will be before he walks out and leaves you on your own with a young child because he wants to have a real wife and marriage?

 

Prior to this incident, there was a time where I found an email account where he was looking for a blow job on craigslist.

 

 

did you address that incident? Did you do anything about that or did you just let that sit and fester too? Did you make any sincere effort to look for any other evidence of infidelity?

 

..so I know he has the propensity to cheat.

 

hate to break it to you but ALL men and women have the "propensity to cheat" if their needs are intentionally not being met indefinitely for no valid reason at home.

 

I have never once cheated on my wife of 19 years but if she decided she wasn't going to have sex with me again because she was "nervous" and wouldn't do anything about it, by 2 years and 3 months I would be remarried and have a whole new home and family.

 

I'd say your husband has been remarkably patient and accommodating by still being there at all.

 

 

He also goes out a lot at night on weekends and has always been super secretive about his phone....

 

i am not saying this is constructive or "right" but many men withdraw into themselves and start doing thing own thing and withdraw from their wife and maybe even kids when there is no marital intimacy. Marital romance/sexuality is the glue that holds and marriage and family together and when that is gone, men with withdraw from the marriage and start doing their own thing.

 

You said you were like roommates and that is a good analogy. I don't know about you, but when I had roommates we all pretty much came and went on our own and did our own thing.

 

That is what is happening here.

 

It's certainly possible that he is having an affair but I personally don't think so. I think if he were having an affair, he would have left long ago.

 

 

I just do not know what to do...any advice would be helpful.

 

my advice is the advice of Morgan Freeman in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" - get busy living or get busy dying.

 

In other words take a stand and devote yourself 100% to saving your marriage and having a healthy and happy marriage.

 

Or devote yourself 100% to divorcing so both of you can move on from this train wreck and go on and hopefully find peace and happiness elsewhere.

 

Both of you are miserable, you have that in common so use ending the misery as your motivation to work on this.

 

Just know that if you chose to try to save the marriage, you will require professional intervention to address all these issues and you will have to take accountability in your role in creating the state your marriage was/is in.

 

If he did in fact cheat, that decision is on him, but both of you are responsible for creating the state of your marriage for which that occurred.

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

Responses on bold above.

[jackslife]

^^^^^^^

 

Once again oldshirt nails it.

 

I'm not going to go over and repeat what he has said, but your refusal to have sex during the term of your pregnancy says it all. So with the 18 months that now means you have had a sexless marriage for over 2 years. Unless you cut the balls off your husband after he made you pregnant, he'll be gong else where for it.

 

You should read old shirts points again, and then re read them. Then decide if you want to stay in the marriage. BTW a sexless marriage isn't a marriage for a man.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa

 

He has not "nailed it"

 

If her husband has issues he needed to work this out in a mature manner, not by going and cheating.

 

My husband doesnt have sex with me when im pregnant... and im very willing...does that make me entitles to find it elsewhere?

 

The sense of entitlement astounds me. Husbands are not entitled to sex, and not entitled to affairs when they dont get it.

 

OP, you dont get a free pass though....how youve handled the last 18 months is not mature either. You need to decide whether you walk or accept his lies....but this passive aggressive sexless marriage is not the answer.m

[oldshirt]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa

 

He has not "nailed it"

 

If her husband has issues he needed to work this out in a mature manner, not by going and cheating.

 

My husband doesnt have sex with me when im pregnant... and im very willing...does that make me entitles to find it elsewhere?

 

The sense of entitlement astounds me. Husbands are not entitled to sex, and not entitled to affairs when they dont get it.

 

OP, you dont get a free pass though....how youve handled the last 18 months is not mature either. You need to decide whether you walk or accept his lies....but this passive aggressive sexless marriage is not the answer.m

 

 

Neither I nor Jackslife said that he was entitled to cheat or that a sexless pregnancy justifies adultery. Don't put words in our mouths.

 

For starters we don't know if any actual cheating has even taken place but that's a whole other topic.

 

I'm not saying that sex is an " entitlement" in marriage or that they get a free pass to cheat if they don't get it. but for many people sexuality is a critical component in marriage and if their spouse denies it for no valid reason, they must expect that their partner will either withdraw, cheat or leave.

 

That may not be "right" but it is a reality.

 

And yes, if I just decided I didn't want to give my wife any lovins any more for no valid reason whether she was pregnant or not- I would expect her she would eventually find it in the arms of another man or she would leave me.

 

If I cut her off for over two years, I would not come on a relationship whining that she was staying out late at night and taking her phone with her.

 

We can all point the Great Ivory Finger of Righteousness at cheaters and say what they did was wrong. But when we intentionally deny them marital intimacy for no reason other than we don't want to, the other fingers are pointed back at ourselves.

[Mr. Lucky]

Prior to this incident, there was a time where I found an email account where he was looking for a blow job on craigslist...so I know he has the propensity to cheat. He also goes out a lot at night on weekends and has always been super secretive about his phone....

 

Well, if you didn't address this with him at the time, your current situation can't be too much of a surprise.

 

What happened when you found his email account ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

Did you find the email looking for a BJ before or after you decided to have a child with this man?

 

If before, it seems like you had plenty of warning that you were with the wrong partner. Either way, you're here looking for advice, so here it is.

 

A) accept that you are with a cheater

 

B) look for a new partner

 

but something tells me you already knew this.

[the_artist_1970]

^^^^^^^

 

Once again oldshirt nails it.

 

I'm not going to go over and repeat what he has said, but your refusal to have sex during the term of your pregnancy says it all. So with the 18 months that now means you have had a sexless marriage for over 2 years. Unless you cut the balls off your husband after he made you pregnant, he'll be gong else where for it.

 

You should read old shirts points again, and then re read them. Then decide if you want to stay in the marriage. BTW a sexless marriage isn't a marriage for a man.

 

I totally agree with this post. Withholding sex from a spouse is a form of abuse IMHO. How in the world can one expect to maintain a marriage without having sex, unless you have some sort of medical issue. And being afraid for the baby while you are pregnant is just an excuse. After all, you wouldn't be pregnant at all without your husband. I am totally against affairs and I know that some people will have an affair even in good marriages. Heck, to this day, six years later I am still wondering how my DH had time for another woman because our sex life and marital life was wonderful (so I thought). But to deny a spouse sex and expect them to stay faithful is not fair at all.

 

Yes, he should have told her that he needed sex, but I don't know a woman alive who doesn't know that satisfying their man sexually is right up there with food and water. One of the most important things that we can do as a BS is recognize our spouse's unmet needs and try to make sure that we are being the best spouse that we possible can (as long as the WS is working their tale off also). You have to build a marriage that cannot be penetrated because one spouse is dying for affection, love, sex, admiration or whatever else they really need. Yes, sometimes you can give your spouse everything and they will still stray, but in this case I think the husband was like a man starving in the desert.

 

I hope you will see that depriving your spouse of sex is both cruel and selfish. Sorry if that hurts.

[hurtandconfused2014]

First off, the reason we did not have sex is because he is refusing to get tested. Is that so wrong of me to ask of him? Should I not think of my own personal safety?

 

It may very well have been phone sex, but it also could have been a lie. I would think he would be OK getting tested as he agreed initially but obviously he has been putting this off.

 

I want to have sex but I also want to be safe. That is abusive?

[Spark1111]

First off, the reason we did not have sex is because he is refusing to get tested. Is that so wrong of me to ask of him? Should I not think of my own personal safety?

 

It may very well have been phone sex, but it also could have been a lie. I would think he would be OK getting tested as he agreed initially but obviously he has been putting this off.

 

I want to have sex but I also want to be safe. That is abusive?

 

Absolutely not.

 

Your H refuses to have sex with you AND you discover phone sex in the least or real sex he has lied about.

 

He also has contacted craigslist for extramarital fun, goes out often, is secretive about his phone and refuses to get tested for STDS.

 

he sounds like a child or is very immature. He may be one of those guys who believe oral or anal or anything other than intercourse doesn't count as infidelity.

 

call a lawyer and get tested yourself no matter what.

 

This is not a marriage of intimacy by any means. Get to counseling so you may find the courage to leave him!

 

If he wanted to be intimate WITH you! a doctors visit to draw some blood is the least he could do.

 

He doesn't.

 

Move on. You are being played.

[oldshirt]

Absolutely not.

 

Your H refuses to have sex with you AND you discover phone sex in the least or real sex he has lied about.

 

.

 

Where are you getting that he has refused sex with her??????

[hurtandconfused2014]

Absolutely not.

 

Your H refuses to have sex with you AND you discover phone sex in the least or real sex he has lied about.

 

He also has contacted craigslist for extramarital fun, goes out often, is secretive about his phone and refuses to get tested for STDS.

 

he sounds like a child or is very immature. He may be one of those guys who believe oral or anal or anything other than intercourse doesn't count as infidelity.

 

call a lawyer and get tested yourself no matter what.

 

This is not a marriage of intimacy by any means. Get to counseling so you may find the courage to leave him!

 

If he wanted to be intimate WITH you! a doctors visit to draw some blood is the least he could do.

 

He doesn't.

 

Move on. You are being played.

 

Thank you. Some replies are saying I am abusive. All I asked for is a test! The ball has been in his court....I feel victimized by these answers.I realized I should have had sex during pregnancy but never expected this.

[hurtandconfused2014]

Where are you getting that he has refused sex with her??????

 

 

Obviously he has not tried,getting tested would have shown he cares.

[oldshirt]

First off, the reason we did not have sex is because he is refusing to get tested. Is that so wrong of me to ask of him? Should I not think of my own personal safety?

 

It may very well have been phone sex, but it also could have been a lie. I would think he would be OK getting tested as he agreed initially but obviously he has been putting this off.

 

I want to have sex but I also want to be safe. That is abusive?

 

So if he comes home with a clean bill of health tonight, you are going to ride him like Secretariat????

 

If there is strong evidence that a physical affair has taken place, getting tested is a legitimate demand before sexual activity takes place during the reconciliation process.

 

However it is just one of many steps, concessions and pieces to a very complex puzzle.

 

This situation goes much deeper than whether he picked up kooties on Craigslist or not.

 

Ensuring that STDs aren't part of the picture is an important step, but there are about a hundred important steps that are going to need to be taken. How many of them has either of you lifted a finger to take??

[hurtandconfused2014]

So if he comes home with a clean bill of health tonight, you are going to ride him like Secretariat????

 

If there is strong evidence that a physical affair has taken place, getting tested is a legitimate demand before sexual activity takes place during the reconciliation process.

 

However it is just one of many steps, concessions and pieces to a very complex puzzle.

 

This situation goes much deeper than whether he picked up kooties on Craigslist or not.

 

Ensuring that STDs aren't part of the picture is an important step, but there are about a hundred important steps that are going to need to be taken. How many of them has either of you lifted a finger to take??

 

 

Yes. I would have sex tonight. We initially went to therapy, which I initiated.

[oldshirt]

Obviously he has not tried,getting tested would have shown he cares.

 

Again I'll ask - if he comes home from the clinic tonight with a clean bill of health, are you going to take him by the hand into the bedroom and ravage him until you both are exhausted at sunrise and you live happily ever after???

 

My bet is no you won't and my assumption is that you will continue to treat him with bitter coldness and remain in the disconnected and dysfunctional state you are in now.

 

He is probably assuming the same thing so what's the point and why bother.

 

My point here is that your situation has sunk to such a depth that one singular act such as an STD test is not going to change anything. It is a step but it is just one step of a very long journey. And if he doesn't see any hope for a good outcome of the test, then why should he do it?

 

You have over two years of distrust, dysfunction and disconnect to overcome here before anyone will be able to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

 

He has no reason to think that you will love him and be sexually responsive with him after a test because you weren't sexually responsive to him before the incident.

[oldshirt]

Yes. I would have sex tonight.

 

I call BS. I simply don't believe that.

 

So you mean to tell me that you have crossed your legs for two years and some odd months because you wanted an STD test after busting him having phone sex and NO OTHER REASONS???

 

....and he has steadfastly refused to get tested after two years knowing that you would resume normal marital relations the night he brings home the "all-clear" slip???

 

I call BS on that too.

 

This is much deeper and darker than that.

 

If what you are saying is true, then he does have someone on the side that is a well established 2-year relationship that he has no interest in ending.

 

I'll get back to my point that this goes way deeper than STD tests and phone sex.

 

No man is going to go over two years of sexless marriage just because he's too stubborn to get tested. Even if his penis was rotting off with something he picked up, he'd either face up to it and come clean, or he'd just throw in the towel and move along because it wouldn't make a difference if his wife knew or not, because they weren't having marital sex in the first place.

[the_artist_1970]

Thank you. Some replies are saying I am abusive. All I asked for is a test! The ball has been in his court....I feel victimized by these answers.I realized I should have had sex during pregnancy but never expected this.

 

I am sorry if you feel victimized by my comment of withholding sex in a marriage is abuse, but it clearly is abuse. To expect a spouse to stay faithful in a marriage where there is no intimacy and/or sex is not going to happen (most times). I stand strongly behind the fact that if you are married (male/female) and you withhold sex from your partner it is an abuse of power in the marital relationship. I believe that sex in a marriage is in the top five of basic needs in a marriage.

 

So you have calmly asked your DH to get tested for STDs and he has refused and that is why you are not having sex with your DH? The bottom line is that you want to know if your DH cheated and if he has an STD. You have every right to know both. Your DH should be willing to take a lie detector test and do a full screening of STD testing. If he isn't willing to do those then your DH doesn't deserve to be married to you. It sounds like you both are passive/aggressive in the marriage and neither of you are doing what it takes to build a strong marriage.

 

If you continue to withhold sex from your DH, I can guarantee you that he will seek it elsewhere. If he doesn't submit to telling the truth (i.e. lie detector test) and STD testing you will withhold sex. Unless you both are willing to get real with each other and let each other know that you mean business, the pink elephant will stay in the room.

 

Have you tried MC? You need to let your DH know that you need the truth and you both need to be tested. I would pack me and my baby up and leave him and let him know that I mean business.

[hurtandconfused2014]

I did not willingly choose to not have sex after baby.he cheated and I was upset obviously,then asked for a test which he initially agreed to and did not follow through.yes I withheld sex during pregnancy, but not because I was passive aggressive. I do not believe this is all my fault.

[oldshirt]

Also you need to keep in mind STD testing is not a litmus test for infidelity.

 

A negative test does not mean someone didn't cheat and a positive one does not necessarily mean that they did.

[oldshirt]

I did not willingly choose to not have sex after baby.he cheated and I was upset obviously,then asked for a test which he initially agreed to and did not follow through.yes I withheld sex during pregnancy, but not because I was passive aggressive. I do not believe this is all my fault.

 

That's different than your original story.

 

And no one is saying it's all your fault. Your H has to own some accountability too.

 

Some of us are just saying that it took both of you to get to this place and it will take both of you to fix it or to move on.

[ComingInHot]

Trust is gone. If you are not going to demand a change in the marriage then nothing will change.

I think you both need to see a MC.

He needs to realize he cheated. Excuse & justify all he wants. It is what it is.

You need to understand what his needs are and if you can forgive him.

 

be wary until you learn everything but if you're for saving the marriage be open to change within him and yourself.

All the best to you and stay strong,

CIH*