What makes the difference?

[Appreciate]

It's kind of mind boggling how different affairs are yet how many aspects of them are nearly the same.

 

Not surprisingly, it seems as though the BSs who are tough with their WSs are the ones who come out the best. Either in R or D. They actively avoid getting walked on, slandered or manipulated. Their reactions meet the needs during the moment of crisis. I guess this is mostly a matter of personal strength, integrity and support from others. Of course, we all do some crazy things in the moment, either from impulse reaction or pent up reaction. We don't meet our own standards and that throws us into some self-doubt.

 

How much do you think the WSs actions are dependent on the BSs? (And the APs?). I sometimes wonder how many marriages could have been salvaged by BSs not following the BS script.

[goumao]

I don't think there really is a BS script. Most people state that if their spouse cheated they'd kick them out straight away, but also state "my spouse would never cheat". So when the betrayal actually happens, BS's don't really know what to do.

 

I think infidelity is not so black and white. BS's need to look at the extent of the betrayal and lies, the marriage itself and whether kids are involved or not.

 

A wife that has had ONS's, secret dates with old lovers, a long term affair, history of cheating with previous partners and is discovered only seven months after wedding, is just unacceptable. BS's also consider the actions of WS after Dday.

 

As far as i know the script for BS goes something like this: disbelief, anger, disbelief, confusion, anger, confusion, anger, self doubt, loss of confidence, disbelief, anger... and so on and so on.

[notserene]

I think it helps if you make it clear that you can live without them. You have to show some inner strength and calm.

 

That doesn't mean that I haven't gotten emotional since I found out my husband cheated. But you do have to be able to show them that you will survive if they leave, and that you will not put up with any waffling or dithering ("affair fog"). If they can't decide one of you has to get out of the house.

 

If my husband had shown any signs that he didn't want to end the affair, I would have been in a lawyer's office the next morning.

[notserene]

Please keep in mind that I have only been in reconciliation for two months. I'll let you know how things are going in a year. So far, however, I am cautiously optimistic.

[Journee]

I think it's a mixed bag.

 

You see here stories of false reconciliation often. Whether from the AP/MP/BS side of things. No one is in control of anyone's actions at any point. You take a chance loving anyone. Being vulnerable to anyone. Giving your trust to anyone. After betrayal it's an even bigger feeling of risk because that security once felt is now gone.

 

Sure, putting your foot down and showing what you will not tolerate is a great idea but if you end up taking the chance again it's still a risk. The affair can die, go deep underground or resume at a later date..all of which the BS has zero control over.

 

Fun times for all.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Journee

[Appreciate]

I think the thing I disliked the most was that power struggle. All of sudden, your best friend is your enemy.

 

To be honest, it was hard for me to show that I could move on without WS. You love them, you hate them.. effing hard to stay rock solid. My initial reaction was to separate. Repulsion. Reject the rejector.

 

But I swung back the other way. Part of that had to with my circumstances (recently moved to her hometown; no support there; etc.). I couldn't lean on family or friends because I had none around me. I knew it was weakness - I could sense my own weakness through my anger or false composure - and I know WS could too at times. And she used it her advantage that is for sure. It's amazing how evil they become when they sense weakness. They smell it. Honestly, I hate myself for that weakness. In hindsight, I wish I had simply told her to go to hell.

 

Kicking her out helped, but only so much.

[badkarma2013]

....again only 15-20% of BH ever R.....80-85% file for D

 

I did horrific damage to OM when i outed him to his BW...I threated a lawsuit against the company they worked for...they Both lost their jobs....His BW financially destroyed him in his D.

 

NONE OF THIS MATTERED...when the OM can to my office and showed me pictures of my ExW doing sexual acts she said were Disgusting to her for 22 years and worse.....

 

The images still dance in my head to this day.

 

I REALIZED WHAT SHE HAD BECOME AND HAD DONE...THERE WAS NO COMING BACK.

 

I filed for D after doing the HARD 180 and find out all of the TRUTH i could STOMACH!

[EnderA]

....again only 15-20% of BH ever R.....80-85% file for D

 

I did horrific damage to OM when i outed him to his BW...I threated a lawsuit against the company they worked for...they Both lost their jobs....His BW financially destroyed him in his D.

 

NONE OF THIS MATTERED...when the OM can to my office and showed me pictures of my ExW doing sexual acts she said were Disgusting to her for 22 years and worse.....

 

The images still dance in my head to this day.

 

I REALIZED WHAT SHE HAD BECOME AND HAD DONE...THERE WAS NO COMING BACK.

 

I filed for D after doing the HARD 180 and find out all of the TRUTH i could STOMACH!

 

Wait...your wife's OM came and showed you pics of your wife doing sex acts? Did he have a death-wish?

[badkarma2013]

After the 7th or 8th pic...i went Dead inside...

 

I had NAPALMED his life, as he had MINE....

 

BUT HE DID NOT FORCED MY WIFE TO DO ANYTHING..

 

Again she did sexual acts with him that she would not EVEN TALK ABOUT for 22 years...She became his WH&RE and we all came tumbling down.

 

Truth be known i had a letter opener in my hand and had he caught me at my car leaving ..i would have probably be in prison.

[compulsivedancer]

After the 7th or 8th pic...i went Dead inside...

 

I had NAPALMED his life, as he had MINE....

 

BUT HE DID NOT FORCED MY WIFE TO DO ANYTHING..

 

Again she did sexual acts with him that she would not EVEN TALK ABOUT for 22 years...She became his WH&RE and we all came tumbling down.

 

Truth be known i had a letter opener in my hand and had he caught me at my car leaving ..i would have probably be in prison.

Do you think, if you hadn't seen pictures, that the outcome would've been different?

[compulsivedancer]

Do you think, if you hadn't seen pictures, that the outcome would've been different?

Appreciate, this is a bit off-topic, but I looked you up and tried to reply to your original thread, but couldn't. There are tons of threads on the infidelity side discussing the "once a cheater, always a cheater" question. My personal thought is that it depends on whether the WS makes changes after cheating. If he/she addresses the underlying issues that causes the cheating, then no. However, if they have established a pattern of behavior (and have not created safeguards to break that chain), the next time that pattern is triggered, the person will cheat. If you wanted to reopen the topic, I bet you'd get more input on this forum than the OM/OW forum.

[compulsivedancer]

Appreciate, this is a bit off-topic, but I looked you up and tried to reply to your original thread, but couldn't. There are tons of threads on the infidelity side discussing the "once a cheater, always a cheater" question. My personal thought is that it depends on whether the WS makes changes after cheating. If he/she addresses the underlying issues that causes the cheating, then no. However, if they have established a pattern of behavior (and have not created safeguards to break that chain), the next time that pattern is triggered, the person will cheat. If you wanted to reopen the topic, I bet you'd get more input on this forum than the OM/OW forum.

To answer your original question, if my BS had not made NC an ultimatum, I probably would have contacted OM at least once. I don't know whether that would've led to anything. I believed I was only seeking closure, but I imagine that's the usual way affairs end up continuing.

 

There are definitely things that kept me in the marriage. A WS who is as far into an A as I was only has one foot in the marriage. By DDay, I didn't care about the M any more. It would've been easy to cut loose after DDay (we had no kids or property together).

 

I was feeling very unheard and like I was on the back burner leading into the A. That made for an easy excuse that helped me justify my affair. But once I realized how much work R was, if I had still felt like I was not important, I would not have been willing to do the work.

 

What made the difference was the hope that we still had a lifetime of good marriage to look forward to (we are in our 20s). Because H was willing to work with me on the marriage (while making it clear that he would require change, honesty and NC), I can feel confident that our relationship is worth fighting for. I don't think very many people our age who don't have kids choose to reconcile after something like this.

Edited April 26, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[EnderA]

After the 7th or 8th pic...i went Dead inside...

 

I had NAPALMED his life, as he had MINE....

 

BUT HE DID NOT FORCED MY WIFE TO DO ANYTHING..

 

Again she did sexual acts with him that she would not EVEN TALK ABOUT for 22 years...She became his WH&RE and we all came tumbling down.

 

Truth be known i had a letter opener in my hand and had he caught me at my car leaving ..i would have probably be in prison.

 

He deserved the napalm, he screwed your wife. The letter opener seems reasonable.

[badkarma2013]

The actual viewing of the pics only sealed the deal for me...

 

I stayed doing the hard 180 to find out as much TRUTH as i could...

 

The affair in and of itself was a DEALBREAKER....The pics only showed

 

me the depths of lies,deceit and betrayal a person can lower themselves to.

 

Again for 22 years i had the Belief that Your wife might do this ...but not MINE.

 

The pics will forever be with me but at that moment i knew in my soul there would be no forgivness or R.

 

They only made the outcome easier...lol right

[Appreciate]

Appreciate, this is a bit off-topic, but I looked you up and tried to reply to your original thread, but couldn't. There are tons of threads on the infidelity side discussing the "once a cheater, always a cheater" question. My personal thought is that it depends on whether the WS makes changes after cheating. If he/she addresses the underlying issues that causes the cheating, then no. However, if they have established a pattern of behavior (and have not created safeguards to break that chain), the next time that pattern is triggered, the person will cheat. If you wanted to reopen the topic, I bet you'd get more input on this forum than the OM/OW forum.

 

 

Thanks..

 

No, no underlying issues addressed by her. Superficial awareness of them only.

 

XW is having OM's child next month, and was pregnant with his child after living with him for only 10 months. It's her third LTR (twice divorced now), his second. They've both had multiple affairs. But they're in looooooove.

 

I don't know how someone so otherwise intelligent can be so foolish and irresponsible as to bring a child into such a high-risk relationship. Honestly.. she has gone downhill as a person, a woman and a mother.

[Davey L]

Hmm, sometimes (well often) I wish I had been harder, more ruthless about it when she told me she had had sex with other man. Told her quit her job, immediately (OM was her boss) etc. Forced her either to focus on us, or walk out. Then we'd either have split, or moved forward together rather better without her subsequent affairs, maybe. And perhaps I'd have felt sufficiently better with myself, without lingering resentment, that I would not have gone on to have my own affair two years later.

 

 

Don't know, just a thought.

[Appreciate]

Hmm, sometimes (well often) I wish I had been harder, more ruthless about it when she told me she had had sex with other man. Told her quit her job, immediately (OM was her boss) etc. Forced her either to focus on us, or walk out. Then we'd either have split, or moved forward together rather better without her subsequent affairs, maybe. And perhaps I'd have felt sufficiently better with myself, without lingering resentment, that I would not have gone on to have my own affair two years later.

 

 

Don't know, just a thought.

 

Yep, you would have been better off. Decisive action is what needs to occur in these cases. It's difficult when you are in it, but that's what needs to happen.

[WasOtherWoman]

It's kind of mind boggling how different affairs are yet how many aspects of them are nearly the same.

 

Not surprisingly, it seems as though the BSs who are tough with their WSs are the ones who come out the best. Either in R or D. They actively avoid getting walked on, slandered or manipulated. Their reactions meet the needs during the moment of crisis. I guess this is mostly a matter of personal strength, integrity and support from others. Of course, we all do some crazy things in the moment, either from impulse reaction or pent up reaction. We don't meet our own standards and that throws us into some self-doubt.

 

How much do you think the WSs actions are dependent on the BSs? (And the APs?). I sometimes wonder how many marriages could have been salvaged by BSs not following the BS script.

 

I think the above is true for all aspects of life. Someone who is clear on what they will and will not accept always winds up better off (with reference to marriage whether that means staying together or divorcing).

 

As an OW, I was clear prior to us even beginning our relationship that being in a relationship with a man who has both a wife and a mistress wouldn't really work for me.

 

Making your expectations clear, in any situation, always makes the difference.

[compulsivedancer]

I think the above is true for all aspects of life. Someone who is clear on what they will and will not accept always winds up better off (with reference to marriage whether that means staying together or divorcing).

 

As an OW, I was clear prior to us even beginning our relationship that being in a relationship with a man who has both a wife and a mistress wouldn't really work for me.

 

Making your expectations clear, in any situation, always makes the difference.

 

How did that work out? Did you wait until he got divorced or separated to get involved?

[WasOtherWoman]

How did that work out? Did you wait until he got divorced or separated to get involved?

 

We did not. (However, in the spirit of honesty, I wish we had. Not because we had any drama, but because it certainly would have been a much more honorable beginning to our relationship). I did, however, make my expectations clear from the start, the wife/mistress game would not work for me.

[drifter777]

Yep, you would have been better off. Decisive action is what needs to occur in these cases. It's difficult when you are in it, but that's what needs to happen.

I believe this to be true, but nearly all BH's are blind-sided, crushed, and in shock for a while after d-day and decisive action might not be possible. In my case I had no choice but to leave because she wanted the marriage to end and bring her boyfriend home. I did a complete 180 with zero contact because I was devastated but I still had enough self-esteem to hate her guts and vow to never see her again. So whatever "decisive action" I took showed no strength of character - it was purely a reaction to my totally f'd up situation.

[cocorico]

 

How much do you think the WSs actions are dependent on the BSs? (And the APs?). I sometimes wonder how many marriages could have been salvaged by BSs not following the BS script.

 

I think it depends to a great extent on the reasons for and type of A, and how invested the WS is in each R. If the WS still loves the BS and hopes to continue the M, and the BS feels the same, there is obviously a far greater possibility of proper reconciliation happening than if either the WS or the BS (or both) have checked out of the M.

[suckerpunch55]

I was one of those 'strong' people who if they ever found out about an affair they would end the marriage or relationship, but when it does, (did), happen things are complicated especially if the marriage has been a long one, there are children to consider, family, friends and money of course.

[WasOtherWoman]

I was one of those 'strong' people who if they ever found out about an affair they would end the marriage or relationship, but when it does, (did), happen things are complicated especially if the marriage has been a long one, there are children to consider, family, friends and money of course.

 

Yep, I think we all like to think we know what we would do, but once faced with a situation, our feelings/actions often change.

[RightThere]

I was one of those 'strong' people who if they ever found out about an affair they would end the marriage or relationship, but when it does, (did), happen things are complicated especially if the marriage has been a long one, there are children to consider, family, friends and money of course.

 

Myself as well. Going through a D-Day and all the days subsequent makes you really understand yourself better. I am a much different person than I thought was. And better for it.