Maiq Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Hi everyone, First, the TL;DR version, because I'm feeling desperate: I'm looking for help getting through the pain of reconciliation, before it tears our relationship apart. I'd love more guides like "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse" (the pinned thread), or other forms of encouragement (success stories?) - anything besides "you'd be better off without her," which I can find by randomly clicking on practically ANY thread. Encouragement is practically impossible to find. I want to tough out the pain as long as I can possibly endure, and I'm looking for support with my decision. I'm not saying I don't want to hear the other side, but... I'm not convinced that's the route I want to take. I'd rather try following the rougher path and sticking this through. I feel that I have a lot to gain/learn by fighting through this. -- Short version (okay, it kinda ballooned, but I'm doing my best to summarize): She cheated on me. I decided to give her a second chance. It's been really tough on me, yoyoing between happiness/hatred/sadness/doubt/fear. Through this entire experience, almost EVERYTHING on the internet has said for me to leave her, from when I first became suspicious to when she told me the truth, to even now, a month into reconciliation. I don't want to leave her. I want this to work. I love this girl, and I'm convinced she truly loves me. She's giving me everything she possibly can, practically turning herself inside out just to prove how much she loves me and how sorry she is. We're both very happy and back to what could be a perfect relationship again, except when "it" happens... No, not sex (which is great).. "It/They" are these emotional breakdowns I keep having. I keep feeling hurt by little things, over and over and over, until I get angry (which I NEVER direct at her - I funnel it into a journal or workout), or I get sad (and I do let myself cry on her whenever I need to) Anyway, little things trigger painful little thoughts in me, and they just kind of build up until I burst. The initial triggers can be absolutely random things that have NOTHING to do with the problem directly, but through a long and convoluted chain of thoughts, they end up reminding me of the cheating. The problem is that it hurts SO BAD when too many of those negative thoughts get through to me. But every time it finally does happen, she ALWAYS supports me and gives me EVERYTHING to make me feel better. Unfortunately, the pain and negative thoughts just keep on coming back, and I don't want to wear her down as time goes on. OTOH, I know the #1 thing she cares about is my happiness, and she's been more than willing to comfort me in every way possible EVERY time I've had a breakdown (or even when she senses that I'm ever-so-slightly sad). She does everything she possibly can to avoid triggers and to make me happy at ALL times. She's been an absolutely perfect angel to me, and I feel terrible for the hatred and sadness that keeps exploding out of me for her to clean up. I'm scared that I won't be able to live with the pain for the rest of my life [with her]. But.. I do want to work things out. Please.. Any help would be appreciated. Has anyone else gotten through a painful reconciliation and come through with a happy and healthy relationship? I understand that these emotions are normal (thanks to the stickied guide). But the newest, scariest feeling I have is the one that makes me wonder if I need to leave her in order for the pain to stop. We're both absolutely terrified of this, and it's something neither of us want. --- I'll start typing up the full story to give you some more context. Just need some time. Thanks. (And yes, my name is a video game reference, but she was "the liar," not me. Just thought it was funny since we've both been into the Elder Scrolls series lately.)
badkarma2013 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 It's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20. It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that. But WS did. WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will never reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts forever, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head. That is the hardest thing to live with. EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does. That time is gone. BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them. That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong. BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead. And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue. BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it. Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B. R is the Plan B version of marriage. It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness. A more tolerable kind of sadness. 5
jnel921 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 First off, everyone's circumstances are different and you didn't give any details. Some A should end in D if the WS is not remorseful and is still in contact with the AP. Some are worth the price of R. You don't say if you are married to this person. You desperately sound like you want to stay with your WS however was this her reaction after DDay as well. Did she want to be with you as well? Having mixed emotions is normal, however the lines of communication need to be wide open so that you both can reconcile your feelings and work things out. There are quite a few successful R stories here including my own. However the details are important. There are certain things that are dealbreakers and not worth staying in a relationship for. 3
RightThere Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Has anyone else gotten through a painful reconciliation and come through with a happy and healthy relationship? Short answer: Yes. A month is hardly any time at all in reconciliation. You'll need probably a few months before you even realize that today you had a little less hurt than you did the previous day. If you are not in counselling together, you need to start doing that. But you need to know that your old relationship with your wife is dead. You cannot ever go back to it, because it was what lead to the affair. You're building a new relationship with a woman you need to re-learn who she really is. And don't be surprised when to figure out that the image of your old wife was just a illusion in your head that you create. The real person is in front of you, and cheated on you, and you need to spend some time figuring out now who she really is. 3
badkarma2013 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 After my D-DAY and other events that happened...I filed for D. She was sooooo sorry when caught...not so much for the NIGHTMARE she unleashed upon myself and our family. my point is in ALL of my research ( more with BHs)..... of all who attempt R only 15-25% ever stay in a (Happy) marriage. The rest D. There is Nothing she could have done or do to make what she did ever leave me ...EVER...when i realized that i filed. 2
BHsigh Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Hi maiq, I feel for you, it's tough. It's been two years for me and it's still hard. The time frame is different for everyone, but I've heard a lit of people say that it takes 2 to 5 years. That will vary on how you process everything and on how your SO acts. If you want to stay in your marriage you will need to give it a lot of time and never stop working on yourself and your marriage, the same goes for your SO. 2
Darren Steez Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 How did she cheat? Was it a ONS, long term, who was it with? I fear you want everything to work so bad, you're ignoring that this might be a deal breaker for you. You talk about going back to something that was perfect..well obviously it wasn't perfect. You talk in idealized terms but life isn't like that, you've been exposed to a harsh truth, as long as you realize that life is not some kind of romance novel and that there are actually extreme bumps in the road that take working on to fix, you'll be alright.
lolablue17 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 There are all kind of people. I have a friend Who overcame his wife's infidelity because he thought he is responsible too, and because he could understand her motives. he feels that his wife's sex and emotions with the OM are not the end of the world. I adore him for that. So they reconciled succesfully and quickly. You think in your mind that her infidelity is not the end of the world. But not like my friend, you feel differently. You feel that it's definitely the end of the world. When your mind will kindly be able to convince your heart, then you will have a major healing progress. This forum can help you to make the best decision, but after the decision was made, I realy dont think that the forum can realy help you to pass from day to day. don't be naive. Go and ask for a proffessional help. like treatment. 2
Spectre Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) You say you are convinced she truly loves you, but since she cheated on you I honestly have to ask you why you feel this is the case? Sounds like she is saying one thing and acting another way. That isn't love. You say you know the #1 thing she cares about is your happiness, but if that was true then I wouldn't know who you are because you would not be on the internet telling us about how your wife cheated on you. Edited April 22, 2014 by Spectre
Author Maiq Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 I guess, first of all, I should apologize if this forum is only for married couples. (I got straight to the Infidelity section via google). We are not married (are there terms I should use besides WS/BS?), and aren't planning on it for some time - at least not until after college. However, this is definitely not a silly high school relationship - though I'm sure we make plenty of stupid mistakes that many young people/couples make. Our relationship is very important to us, and we both feel like this could go for a lifetime (at least for the first 3.5+ years). We've been together for almost 4 years. It felt practically perfect from the start. Everything about us feels like a perfect fit. We NEVER fight (not to say that we don't disagree on anything). We're both loving, caring, gentle, quiet people. Today, I'm 27 and she's 22. There's a bit of an age gap, but we're both relatively young, still in college, etc etc. We're both making the transition into adulthood together. Some things I'm way ahead of her on (job, financial understanding, etc), and others she's ahead of me (like moving out of parents' house, being responsible about schoolwork, etc). We got together when she was 18. There have always been outsiders (family/friends) pushing for me to break up with her, telling me that that she wasn't the right person for me, that I can do better, she's too young, etc etc. (I want to discuss this with you guys later as well - I'd like to hear from people who chose happiness together, despite outside pressure, and I have a mini story to tell as an example). It's true that her goals/ambitions were low (happy with bottom of totem pole), but I always tried to encourage her to aim high / etc etc - something I always do with close friends. (She has her view on this, which I'll ask her to post here later). Sadly, as time went on and people kept badgering me (my parents, especially), I started getting worn down and feeling like I really needed somebody more on my level. I started neglecting her, spending all my time on my own projects (working on car, playing with computer, etc) instead. This is a small problem of mine - I get absorbed in what I'm doing and ignore things around me. But I took it to the extreme with her. I was feeling depressed, and I stopped replying to messages and doing things with her. I was also extremely busy - last semester was the toughest semester of my life, and I barely had time to sleep. Anyway, she lived with me at my parents' place for a year, but my parents only agreed to let her stay temporarily, so she ended up renting a room from at my friend's place (his mom's house) instead. I'm sure you can connect the dots from here... Here's a modified excerpt from my journal. This is from the very first post. I decided to start writing when I first became suspicious (I'll ask her what the timing was, but there wasn't a problem for the first ~6 months of her living there). Writing has been a VERY powerful tool for me (even though I HATE writing, lol). -------- 2/14/2014 (4am) I can't get this feeling out from deep in my heart that [WS] and [OM] are too close. It hit the worst a few weeks ago, while I was in one of my phases where all I care about is whatever project I'm working on and I ignore everything else (including [WS]). I had probably been pulling that **** for WAY too long. Truth be told, it's partly because I was neglecting her. I was starting to feel doubt in my mind about whether things would work out with [WS] in the long run. I started yearning for someone more on my level in terms of drive and commitment to life goals. But I know that this kind of thing has no bearing on the amount of love one has for another. I never stopped loving [WS], and I trust she never stopped loving me. I DID fall into depression. I felt like she didn't want to be with me. I stopped talking to her (almost completely). I was getting angrier and angrier about never hearing from her and her always doing things with [OM]. [OM] has kind of been playing boyfriend for her ever since she moved in with him, but that's just his personality, since he's always been this way (with both her and me). He brings her food, drives her around, takes her out (concert, etc) and they've even stayed at Tahoe together with his mom. Sometimes it's a lifesaver when [OM] is able to haul [WS] to work/etc for me while I'm stuck in class or something, but I feel like it's gone further than it needs to. -------- Of course, he wasn't OM at the time. He was a close friend of mine. Alright, I don't feel like writing more backstory, so let me start replying to posts instead. Thank you for all the replies. I guess I'll post this for now so I don't lose what I've written to laptop/internet gremlins.
Author Maiq Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) It's the little triggers... [snip] Thank you. Every single thing in your first post makes sense and helps to clarify things. You don't say if you are married to this person. You desperately sound like you want to stay with your WS however was this her reaction after DDay as well. Did she want to be with you as well? Having mixed emotions is normal, however the lines of communication need to be wide open so that you both can reconcile your feelings and work things out. There are quite a few successful R stories here including my own. However the details are important. There are certain things that are dealbreakers and not worth staying in a relationship for. Unmarried (as mentioned in my new post). She does want to be with me, desperately. She knew what she did was wrong, and she regretted it. We tore down ALL walls and she told me everything. She broke down completely and begged me to stay. I'm convinced that there's nothing she wants more than this relationship. The hardest thing for me is that it's tough to be 100% convinced about ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD after what happened... But in all honesty, I'm completely sure she's 100% mine again. The way she said it recently was something like "I wish I could open up my heart for you to walk around in, and you could see that there's nobody in there but you" Short answer: Yes. A month is hardly any time at all in reconciliation. You'll need probably a few months before you even realize that today you had a little less hurt than you did the previous day. I actually thought it had been much much longer than a month, so when I read your post I realized that maybe things were moving along rather quickly (a good thing, I guess). Then again, I wrote the OP here because I had never felt so much anger/hate in my entire life (not that I mentioned this in the OP). But just writing the post helped me feel a lot better, and my girlfriend and I were able to have a great day together after she got off work. She doesn't even know that it got so bad - I just told her I was stressed. I'm excited to see how I feel in another month. My next question to everyone: How much grief/pain/whatever do you hold in, and how much do you share with (or dump on) your SO? So far, I've been trying to ignore little things on my own, but if they build up or I can't take it I bring her in to help me deal with them. Usually I just ask her if we can lie down so she can hold me. She'll comfort me while I cry, listen to what I have to say, answer my questions, and bear any other burdens I lay down on her. She's always willing to do ANYTHING it takes to make me happy. I'll feel better, but it sucks because it drags her down, so I try not to do this if I don't need to. If you are not in counselling together, you need to start doing that. But you need to know that your old relationship with your wife is dead. You cannot ever go back to it, because it was what lead to the affair. You're building a new relationship with a woman you need to re-learn who she really is. And don't be surprised when to figure out that the image of your old wife was just a illusion in your head that you create. The real person is in front of you, and cheated on you, and you need to spend some time figuring out now who she really is. I do think that counselling would be a good thing, but it's tough being a broke college student. In my head I picture rich Beverly Hills couples spending 1000s of dollars on counselling, but in reality it isn't that bad, is it? For now, I'm relying on you guys to be our counselors. We do understand that the past is the past. I showed her a post (or was it that guide) explaining that the girl I fell in love with is GONE, and that now I'm sleeping with my first love's murderer, and so on. She understands that we're starting over. She's really good about removing anything from our lives that could remind us of the bad times. We even got her a new, radically different haircut yesterday. (Actually, it's the hairstyle she had when we first met, but more importantly it's NOT the hair she had during the whole affair thing). After my D-DAY and other events that happened...I filed for D. She was sooooo sorry when caught...not so much for the NIGHTMARE she unleashed upon myself and our family. my point is in ALL of my research ( more with BHs)..... of all who attempt R only 15-25% ever stay in a (Happy) marriage. The rest D. There is Nothing she could have done or do to make what she did ever leave me ...EVER...when i realized that i filed. This is my newest fear, and the biggest by far. I'm terrified that I'll never get over it, and that I won't be able to live with the pain. How am I going to feel on our wedding day, if we even make it there? But I feel like I'd rather stay with her than separate. She has ZERO doubt that she wants to be with me. She's terrified of the fact that I question whether I can stay in a relationship that hurts like this. This is part of why I posted here - I wanted to hear about people who have overcome the pain and survived this kind of thing. Hi maiq, I feel for you, it's tough. It's been two years for me and it's still hard. The time frame is different for everyone, but I've heard a lit of people say that it takes 2 to 5 years. That will vary on how you process everything and on how your SO acts. If you want to stay in your marriage you will need to give it a lot of time and never stop working on yourself and your marriage, the same goes for your SO. Thanks, BHsigh. Congrats on making it so far! I feel like two years would be a significant achievement, since that's adding 50% more time onto our relationship. Totally agree with you on "working on yourself" - this is something I've stressed to her and am trying to follow myself. I'm down ~50 lbs (though still overweight) and have built up a good bit of muscle since I started stressing about our relationship in January. I do need to get better about homework though... I'm thinking I might have to write off this semester as a total loss. Here I am doing all this writing on the forums, and I can't even write 2 paragraphs for school. It's just hard to concentrate with all the other thoughts bombarding me. How did she cheat? Was it a ONS, long term, who was it with? Massage (once), lying down together (often) with some touching through clothes, fingering (once), then one humongous sex session. My ex friend is such an a**hole. I trusted him with the most important person in my life... Sorry. Pi**es me off every time I think about it. And yet I desperately want ALL The details. I'm actually looking forward to my next detail extracting session with her... I fear you want everything to work so bad, you're ignoring that this might be a deal breaker for you. You talk about going back to something that was perfect..well obviously it wasn't perfect. You talk in idealized terms but life isn't like that, you've been exposed to a harsh truth, as long as you realize that life is not some kind of romance novel and that there are actually extreme bumps in the road that take working on to fix, you'll be alright. I get what you're saying. Of course, I understand that nothing's perfect, and things were far from it when the affair happened. Our relationship was such a smooooooth ride for the first 3 years. It's sad that the "extreme bump" practically totaled the ride. But thanks for the encouragement. Live and learn, eh? That's actually another thing that kept me going with this relationship when I had thoughts of breaking it off, even before DDay. Even if it didn't work out, I thought I could learn a lot by sticking with it. And I definitely have. I've learned about how important it is to give back in a relationship. I've learned how it feels to have such massive pain inflicted on you (besides maybe losing a child/parent/etc). I've never felt such terrible pain in my heart before, and it's amazing how much it even affects your physical health. But I've learned a whole lot about relationships, and about the different sorts of trouble people have. And I've learned that, just maybe, we can get through it on top. On an unrelated topic, I've also learned how to bake bread, from scratch (sourdough). And I've found a strange amount of peace in baking fresh bread the last couple days. (I took her to breadmaking class in San Francisco for her birthday last week). There are all kind of people. I have a friend Who overcame his wife's infidelity because he thought he is responsible too, and because he could understand her motives. he feels that his wife's sex and emotions with the OM are not the end of the world. I adore him for that. So they reconciled succesfully and quickly. You think in your mind that her infidelity is not the end of the world. But not like my friend, you feel differently. You feel that it's definitely the end of the world. When your mind will kindly be able to convince your heart, then you will have a major healing progress. This forum can help you to make the best decision, but after the decision was made, I realy dont think that the forum can realy help you to pass from day to day. don't be naive. Go and ask for a proffessional help. like treatment. Thank you for this. I do feel that it's not the end. I agree that I had a part in this. If I hadn't neglected her and made her unhappy, none of this would have happened. If I had seen ANY of the many resources about happy relationships, maybe I would have changed. This, for example, might have turned me around, if someone told me that I was at risk of losing her. Marriage Advice I wish I would have had? | On the other hand, shouldn't you expect your SO to support you even if you go astray, or go completely crazy, or have your limbs chopped off, or whatever? And this is another part of why I gave her a second chance. I saw this as an opportunity for growth. Not that I could make her my b*tch, but that now she'd have the experience and understanding about what it takes/means to stand behind someone and be in a committed relationship. You say you are convinced she truly loves you, but since she cheated on you I honestly have to ask you why you feel this is the case? Sounds like she is saying one thing and acting another way. That isn't love. This was the case back then, when I was suspicious prior to DDay. In fact, it was pretty obvious. I knew something was up. I knew the love was gone. In fact, we even stopped saying it to eachother for a while. She thought I didn't care about her anymore (and I was starting not to). She thought I was gone. She was curious (remember she's young, I'm her first partner.. and these are just crap excuses). He was there, and.. I don't feel like writing the rest right now. You say you know the #1 thing she cares about is your happiness, but if that was true then I wouldn't know who you are because you would not be on the internet telling us about how your wife cheated on you. This is the case now. The affair is over. She only cares about making me happy. Too little, too late? Maybe I'll never be happy ever again, but at this point she'd move the world to make me happy if I needed it. edit- I thought this tidbit from another post was interesting, since I feel the same way: It was a horrible way to achieve this. I can honestly say I have [n]ever been more hurt by anything anyone has done to me before. And I still struggle with feeling it was a slap on MY wrist for something we were both responsible for. The crazy thing is I don’t know any other way we could have go to this stage. I might never have given her the love she deserved, and she might never have been able to reciprocate this much happiness, if we hadn't suffered this tragedy first. The wakeup call was definitely needed, but... I just wish that it had taken some other form, or that we could have watched someone else go through the pain instead of having it happen to us. ----------------- Thanks, everyone. I hope my language isn't too harsh, but I assume adult language is acceptable in an adult forum about adult topics. I suspect I'll end up writing about some of the gruesome details of the cheating, but I'll go over the forum rules first to make sure I'm okay (and I'll clean up this post later if I have to). Edited April 23, 2014 by Maiq
drifter777 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 You do a good job of articulating your feelings when you write about how you feel when you trigger and the way she tries to help you through your agony. The intensity of the feelings and the frequency you trigger will subside a little bit over time, but I'm talking about a long, long time. Individual counseling would help you with your recovery but, again, it takes a long time. So, how can you begin to heal when you are triggering so often and with such intensity? Stop looking at her face 100 times a day. This means stop living with her, stop dating her, have zero contact with her. You are too young to ruin your life trying to reconcile with her. You are clearly the kind of man - and there's many of us - who cannot accept cheating. The pictures in your mind of her and him will probably never go away if you stay with her. I say this because your suffering is so painfully extreme yet you are determined to stay. This tells me you are somewhat codependent and you are trying to "jump" forward in time to a place where this event no longer crushes you and things with you and her are back to "normal". In other words, you are hoping that time will heal the wound. It doesn't work this way and you need to believe me on this. It sounds like she is your first true love and your whole sense of self is wrapped up in your relationship. It's like "who am I if I'm not WS's partner?" and the fear of moving ahead on your own is terrifying. You need to understand that your mind is exercising a defense mechanism to protect yourself from accepting the painful reality that she has killed the relationship forever. Try to understand that she didn't have enough sexual experience when your relationship started and she felt both compelled and entitled to have sex with him. If you tie her down now she will still have that need and will likely scratch the itch again down the road. She's already proven that she will do it so doing it again will be easier for her. Your question about can people stay together after a painful reconciliation is the wrong question to ask. Of course there are people who have done it, just like there are people who don't much care if their SO has sex with other people. There are people who don't see cheating as the end of the innocence because they view sex as a primal, physical act that doesn't mean anything in and of itself. You are not that kind of person and reconciliation is a mistake for you because of this. 1
drifter777 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 It's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20. It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that. But WS did. WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will never reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts forever, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head. That is the hardest thing to live with. EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does. That time is gone. BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them. That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong. BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead. And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue. BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it. Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B. R is the Plan B version of marriage. It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness. A more tolerable kind of sadness. Great, great post! I hope OP reads it and, more importantly, understands and believes it.
janedoe67 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Short answer: Yes. A month is hardly any time at all in reconciliation. You'll need probably a few months before you even realize that today you had a little less hurt than you did the previous day. If you are not in counselling together, you need to start doing that. But you need to know that your old relationship with your wife is dead. You cannot ever go back to it, because it was what lead to the affair. You're building a new relationship with a woman you need to re-learn who she really is. And don't be surprised when to figure out that the image of your old wife was just a illusion in your head that you create. The real person is in front of you, and cheated on you, and you need to spend some time figuring out now who she really is. Yes. There ARE people who survive and have real reconciliation. There ARE BS's who go on to have happy and fulfilling marriage without having to continually relive the A. Yes, there is such a thing as a truly remorseful and changed FWS. A month is very early in. You are still in the acute phase. If you want to reconcile, seek support from other men who have been there and succeeded. They can guide you. And cut yourself slack. It is normal to be sad, angry, distrustful, all over the map at this point. 2
Davey L Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I don't think I'm really in a position to give advice, since I continue to struggle 18 years on. But we've survived for 18 years so far, which is something I suppose. And even if our marriage isn't perfect I have two lovely grown-up step-daughters (they call me Dad and I think of them as my own) which I have a generally excellent and very close relationship with, which has made the bleak times worthwhile. 1
drifter777 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Yes. There ARE people who survive and have real reconciliation. There ARE BS's who go on to have happy and fulfilling marriage without having to continually relive the A. Yes, there is such a thing as a truly remorseful and changed FWS. A month is very early in. You are still in the acute phase. If you want to reconcile, seek support from other men who have been there and succeeded. They can guide you. And cut yourself slack. It is normal to be sad, angry, distrustful, all over the map at this point. And be sure to let me know where I can find them. 1
Zenstudent Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 One month is nothing in recovery from infidelity. You will probably have a long way to. The first six months, I was still eating each and every **** bit that was thrown at me, just to keep her, I was totally dependend of my life with her. After that this phase, I realized I had lost my self in the proces and started looking for me. It was the beginning of long and painfull proces, discovering myself and growing along with it. Today I realize I will survive without her, and that it's my choice to stay with her, trying to work things out. But I've found my boundaries, and I stick to them. I'm quite aware of the fact, that we are both different now and might not grow old together. Kids in the mix has made a huge difference in my choices. It looks to me as if you are codependent to a degree too, so start detaching and find yourself, then make some decisions.
janedoe67 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 And be sure to let me know where I can find them. There are quite a few out there. But it's a choice.
harrybrown Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Has she stopped seeing your "friend"? Has she gone NC with him and moved out of his place? 1
Spectre Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) This was the case back then, when I was suspicious prior to DDay. In fact, it was pretty obvious. I knew something was up. I knew the love was gone. In fact, we even stopped saying it to eachother for a while. She thought I didn't care about her anymore (and I was starting not to). She thought I was gone. She was curious (remember she's young, I'm her first partner.. and these are just crap excuses). He was there, and.. I don't feel like writing the rest right now. Okay, but again: not a single thing you just said even remotely justifies what she did, not even close. She is young? No excuse, not unless she is 16 years old. You are her first partner? So, does she not know how human beings interact? Unless she is a teenager then she should definitely know the difference between right and wrong and that you kind of don't cheat on people you "love". This is the case now. The affair is over. She only cares about making me happy. Too little, too late? Maybe I'll never be happy ever again, but at this point she'd move the world to make me happy if I needed it. The affair is over, but the fact that it happened at all speaks volumes. She only cares about making you happy? Eh, I'm sure she says that, but then..I have seen cheaters say lots of things. Not to suggest it isn't true, but given her betrayal there is no reason to trust her word on this. You spoke of "not giving her the love she deserved" as a possible reason, but that is a slippery slope my friend. The love she deserves? Well, do you not deserve someone who is faithful and will not cheat on you and betray you? You say she'd "move the world for you" to make you happy. Which is fine, except..well, why couldn't she of done that before? Why'd she have to cheat in order to realize that? That is what I'd be wondering. You say you were her first, so she not only cheats on you..but, well, that is destroying something special by banging another dude. Sorry, I do not care how unhappy you are..it's called acting like an adult and showing others the proper respect they deserve. You seem to be so gung ho about how she is totally going to do everything she can to show you she loves you, even move the world for you. That all sounds sweet..if it wasn't for her cheating and all. That is kind of like the turd in the punch bowl, no offense. Edited April 23, 2014 by Spectre
Cpt Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 My guess is that you're young, and you aren't very experienced with many relationships? You are convinced that you don't want to leave your cheating partner... fair enough, and rightfully so you should, if the above aforementioned is true. Probably because you don't know any better, thats why. You want encouragement? I would rather give you encouragement to get out of this now. You're in college! you should be experiencing life and living it up before you find THE RIGHT KIND OF PARTNER and settle down, not "enduring with pain". Geez, sometimes people just need to be told like it really is, none of this sugar coated nonsense. If you're that insecure that you can't do any better than your current partner, then they will see through that and behave badly and they will know they can get away with it because you won't respect yourself enough to end it. I "encourage" you to get out of this relationship. 2
Spectre Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Yes, please go find someone who will not betray you in such a way. For some reason people seem to think this should be expected and maybe that is why some tolerate it, but nope..she had no reason. Age doesn't matter, she is an adult. Being naive doesn't matter, she is an adult. Not having much experience with other men doesn't matter, she is an adult. Unless she has been locked away in a closet her entire life there is no valid excuse for this behavior. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) I have gone through painful reconciliations in relationships........with family with friends and with partners and with strangers.I have decided not to list specific examples anymore, those examples belong to my heart and they are painful "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." C.S. Lewis the only real way to reconcile is too forgive......truly forgive.....doesn't stop the pain or memory though but it does help you move forward in that the person you are reconciling with has to admit their part they have to be truly sorry for what they have done to cause pain.( truly sorry for the inexcusable, god has hands of justice for those who arent truly sorry and only he knows and understands the inexcusable) its never easy to reconcile when pain is there, admitting that person caused you pain is hard to.It is much easier to brush it aside and act like it doesnt count and hold those scars out of sight but not out of mind...it does count......because pain s something you dont want to give to other people and it counts when you are the cause of that pain as much as it does when you undeservedly receive it..... i think slowly does it, really works, a soft approach and mutual understanding, no force no pushing and a gentle way ...forgiveness is a gift we have to find peace so ...it would make sense that reconciling after pain can help people move forward...especially when apologies are heart felt and given.Then, i know fr fact trust takes time to build back in a relationship that folded due to inflicting and recieving pain......that time is not quantifiable...depends on how deep the pain went...who can determine that or should determine that...........but forgiveness and saying sorry for causing pain is the first step not brushing aside how much that person hurt you but let them know....then maybe if they are truly sorry they know not to cause that type of pain again Edited April 24, 2014 by todreaminblue 2
Spectre Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Well this is one time I am glad I'm no Christian then, since I'd definitely not be forgiving such a horrible betrayal. 1
bigman1 Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 OP, I feel your pain. I have to say the fact that she cheated with a friend of yours is very troubling. the fact that it progressed like it did is even more troubling. I'm not going to make a case for dumping or keeping her, although at first it will seem like I am. Instead, I say this: You have a future that you hope to build. In that future you hope for a larger family, I assume. You will be far more invested in this woman at that point. Then what? Will she cheat again? Are you willing to risk that future family and lifestyle that she won't. That is different than having a family and considering all of the ramifications of divorce, you don't have that yet. Can you get over the pain and hurt now? Are you going to be one of those guys that wishes they had the guts to walk away after Dday because they are miserable but not they have family, etc.? Staying with someone is not a reward for them and leaving is not a punishment. It really is a function of other factors. Leaving as punishment will leave you with regret once you feel the time frame for punishing them has expired. Maybe you end up forgiving them. Then what? They've moved on and you have too, unless you were stuck and most likely miserable? Staying is not a reward because you end up thinking that they got away with something and start resenting them for it. Perhaps you start questioning your value since you stayed with someone who did not value you enough to be faithful. This woman who "murdered" your former lover wants to take her place. Do you feel safe with her. Do you want to bet your future on her? Do you want to bet your mental health on her? How about the stability of your children in the future? Are you going to be a bitter father whose kids grow up all screwed up because Dad was miserable? I suggest that the answer cannot be because you love her because you love her anyway. People get divorced from those that they love when they realize that emotional love is not enough. It has to be based on something else. Love plus ________. I knew a woman who divorced her husband when they were in their late 60's. Long time married. She loved him, but realized that he made her miserable. She said she'd rather spend the rest of her life alone and happy than spend it with him. You are just starting out, what do you want your story to be?
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