Stay with WW or Divorce?

[gotsohosed]

Stats:

Been living together 13 years, married for 7.

She travels a lot for work. Works mostly with men.

She is very pretty and extremely fit and outgoing.

She is in her low 50's. but looks at least 10 years her younger.

She has had 3 affairs I think. One am absolutely sure. She confessed then recanted. She denies the others and is scarce on any type of detail at all. I can see she wants to start with a new slate with us. She has been so nice and it seems I have my wife back.

Did I mention she is beautiful!

Anyway, Do I stay in or go?

I am in my mid 50's and fit as well and look younger than my age, not as good as her but I am doing good.

What is on my mind is that in 2 years when the dust settles I will be in my higher 50's and find she did it again. I will kick myself for not pulling the trigger, (so to speak, I mean get a divorce), at this time.

What to do, what to do

[Sub]

She confessed then recanted.

 

I have to ask what this is about.

 

And why do you think she's had two other A's?

[GorillaTheater]

What do you need? More information/intelligence? If so, there are ways to go about that: voice-activated recorders (VARS) velcroed underneath the seat of her car, a key-logger on her computer, various technologies I'm less familiar with for accessing data on her phone.

 

Or are you at the point where you're trying to figure out whether you're done with the whole mess?

[RightThere]

You seem pretty indifferent about it. Just the tone I get from your post.

 

If she doesn't seem to care and you don't seem to care, what exactly is it you want?

[carhill]

Cheaper to keep her?

 

If you live in a no-fault jurisdiction, her affairs won't materially affect a divorce so get with your lawyer and accountant and crunch the numbers and weigh the realities of ending the partnership versus reconciling/continuing it.

[gotsohosed]

I have all the info just have told her what I know so she only tells me snipits and call me crazy for thinking like that. On the other 2 I am 99.9% sure. Just not heard sex talk like the first one.

I kind of think once a cheater always a cheater.

[gotsohosed]

RightThere- I'm not indifferent. I might come across like that but it has killed me and brought me to my knees like nothing ever has. I just have been getting stronger lately and am able to start processing it. I have been living with this for 3 months on my brain

[BetrayedH]

If she's still lying and hiding stuff, then she's not truly remorseful and odds are, she'll continue to have affairs. Why wouldn't she?

 

I could reconcile with a truly remorseful wayward but, staying married to a spouse that is actively lying to my face about her affairs? No way.

 

File for divorce and I bet you'll start getting some truth.

[GorillaTheater]

If she's still lying and hiding stuff, then she's not truly remorseful and odds are, she'll continue to have affairs. Why wouldn't she?

 

I could reconcile with a truly remorseful wayward but, staying married to a spouse that is actively lying to my face about her affairs? No way.

 

File for divorce and I bet you'll start getting some truth.

 

Agreed. Should you save the marriage? The obvious follow-up question is "hell, what marriage?"

[Michelle ma Belle]

Okay, here is my take on this...

 

Based on what you've chosen to write in your opening post, you've focused so much on her looks and physical bits and pieces and nothing about who she is as person and as a partner. Are you happy? Do you have a good sex life? Do you get along overall? Do you share the same hopes and dreams? Do you have fun together? Do you fight more than you laugh?

 

Are you staying with her because of how she looks or does she have some amazing redeeming qualities you just can't live without? Right now, it all sounds a bit shallow to me. Not enough to keep a marriage alive.

 

This seems pretty simple to me. She's a cheater. She admitted to at least one then recanted which is already f**ked up if you ask me. I don't get the sense she was very remorseful about anything. And her sudden desire to make nice is probably just temporary so you'd stop leave her alone long enough to feel safe enough to return to her double life.

 

The whole things smells fishy. You already have doubts and are considering ending things so what's stopping you? What are you waiting for?

 

If you're as hot as you say you are, I'm sure you'll land another hot piece of a** in no time.

 

I'm sure you deserve better than a cheating wife no matter how attractive or fit she is. Her character is ugly.

[Sub]

I kind of think once a cheater always a cheater.

 

I think you're answering your own question here. If this is how you feel, don't waste your time.

[drifter777]

The most effective way to shake her out of her lying fog is to tell her to leave or leave yourself, and then have as little contact with her as is possible. You'll probably get the truth and, possibly, a remorseful wife within 1 - 2 weeks.

 

If she sticks to her lies then your already halfway out the door so your decision whether to end it or not will be clearer. If she gives up the truth and begs you for another chance then you do what feels like the best thing for you.

 

You are right to consider your age in this matter. Once you hit 50 tt only gets harder to start a new life with every passing year. Force the issue now while time is still on your side.

[Oberfeldwebel]

To reconcile or not reconcile, it is tough question. The best indication for future behavior is past behavior and her track record is not good. If she was being honest and showing remorse for her actions, that would go a long way in making a decision. She has only admitted to the things you could already prove, so she has given you nothing. I don't tell folks to divorce or reconcile, only you can answer that question. However, there is a high you will find yourself in this same dilemma again, as she does not understand or care about your pain. Chose wisely my friend.

[KathyM]

Well, I guess if you don't mind sharing your wife with some other dude(s), you'll stay married. If that's not what you want, then you'll divorce. She doesn't sound particularly remorseful. You say she's probably had 3 affairs so far. Would you really want a wife that you had to force to be faithful by threatening divorce, or would you want a wife that wanted to be faithful because SHE wants to be faithful to you and because she cares about you? I'd be out of there by now, if I were you, but it sounds like her looks are more important to you than her faithfulness.

[Bryanp]

Get tested for STD's.

See an attorney.

 

She has had 3 affairs that you know off.

She is playing you for a fool and if you stay with her then she is correct.

 

Her actions show that she has no respect for you or your marriage.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[dichotomy]

Make a list - let me start it based on what you have provided so far.

 

 

Negatives ( or leave reasons)

 

She has a weakness and has likely cheated multiple times

She travels alot - no way to keep tabs on her - or help her stay faithful.

I am not getting any younger and want to move positively in the right direction.

Positives (or stay reasons)

 

She is a really hot wife for her age.

She says she is a new person.

 

 

Can you expand the list pro and con? add it up.

[road]

Do not attempt to recover your marriage unless WW agrees to a polygraph test. Finds another job with no over night travel. Leaves that job if OM were co workers.

[Darren Steez]

Stats:

Been living together 13 years, married for 7.

She travels a lot for work. Works mostly with men.

She is very pretty and extremely fit and outgoing.

She is in her low 50's. but looks at least 10 years her younger.

She has had 3 affairs I think. One am absolutely sure. She confessed then recanted. She denies the others and is scarce on any type of detail at all. I can see she wants to start with a new slate with us. She has been so nice and it seems I have my wife back.

Did I mention she is beautiful!

Anyway, Do I stay in or go?

I am in my mid 50's and fit as well and look younger than my age, not as good as her but I am doing good.

What is on my mind is that in 2 years when the dust settles I will be in my higher 50's and find she did it again. I will kick myself for not pulling the trigger, (so to speak, I mean get a divorce), at this time.

What to do, what to do

 

All this is screaming, if I get a divorce I won't be able to find a hottie in my age bracket or a woman interested in a 50 year old.

 

She hasn't confessed, she's actively trying to rugsweep by playing nice. Three affairs + rugsweeping means no remorse which means as you put it when the dust settles and everything returns to normal and she feels you've accepted everything, she'll be free to resume or start another relation when she gets the itch.

 

You don't seem to have a plan of action. What are you going to do if you don't get the truth? You know apparently whatever you know..and?

 

If she's had three affairs and you know she's lying/withholding details, what is your proposed next step? What are her consequences for lying/withholding info?

[BHsigh]

I just have to point out to you that confessing and then recanting is a huge red flag. My wife did the same thing on dday #1.

[atreides]

Here is my thing with this, you asked do you "stay or go?"

 

No one can answer for that for you, that is all you and in how much your love for her can endure.

 

Now, if you choose to stay then there is advise many can give as well as many have already about leaving.

 

If you stay, take control SET SERIOUS RULES, like a job change, I am not kidding... it seems like it makes a toxic situation for her. Do not give in to any of her requests, she has to EARN YOUR respect and trust back. She may make it easy for you too in that if she does not want to follow your rules for R, you would need to let her go. Also do STD checks and what not as others have advised

[beach]

Stats:

Been living together 13 years, married for 7.

She travels a lot for work. Works mostly with men.

She is very pretty and extremely fit and outgoing.

She is in her low 50's. but looks at least 10 years her younger.

She has had 3 affairs I think. One am absolutely sure. She confessed then recanted. She denies the others and is scarce on any type of detail at all. I can see she wants to start with a new slate with us. She has been so nice and it seems I have my wife back.

Did I mention she is beautiful!

Anyway, Do I stay in or go?

I am in my mid 50's and fit as well and look younger than my age, not as good as her but I am doing good.

What is on my mind is that in 2 years when the dust settles I will be in my higher 50's and find she did it again. I will kick myself for not pulling the trigger, (so to speak, I mean get a divorce), at this time.

What to do, what to do

 

You've never had your wife - much less have her back.

 

She continually cheats.

 

Staying with any woman like that is torture. She may look pretty but ugly on the inside can't dress up even the most beautiful woman.

 

Cheating always makes a person ugly to me.

 

You're so focused on her looks - you've overlooked her bad behavior and justified putting up with it because she looks good.

 

There's a price for everything - you can lose your self respect with a woman like that. She will always be ugly on the inside though.

[harrybrown]

Have her get out now.

 

File for divorce, she will cheat again and again. She is not telling you the truth.

 

Tell her to go to the OM. But at least tell the OM's wife or girlfriend. Expose to the world. Put her up on cheaterville.

[fellini]

If your general attitude and the relationship you two have developed is more along how attractive, how pretty she is, then probably this sustained things if all she thought or wanted from you was your approval or validation that she is beautiful and thus desirable and hence lovable. We dont know much about her role in this dialogue but it seems to be your end of the deal.

 

Maybe the glitter and the affirmation focused on the surface has

A) run its course and she wants to hear it from other men (this sometimes happens when a WS no longer gets the feelings from her husband when he tells her day after day how beutiful she is)

 

B) she wants to be appreciated fmore than her looks

 

Either of these - or other issues can be resolved by proper discussion. It sounds like you want to give it a try, so give it say 3 months to work things out: getting the truth about the other men, if you feel you need more, and creating a marital environment that is richer and more complex than tomorrows wardrobe.

 

 

 

 

Okay, here is my take on this...

Based on what you've chosen to write in your opening post, you've focused so much on her looks and physical bits and pieces and nothing about who she is as person and as a partner. Are you happy? Do you have a good sex life? Do you get along overall? Do you share the same hopes and dreams? Do you have fun together? Do you fight more than you laugh?

 

Are you staying with her because of how she looks or does she have some amazing redeeming qualities you just can't live without? Right now, it all sounds a bit shallow to me. Not enough to keep a marriage alive.

 

This seems pretty simple to me. She's a cheater. She admitted to at least one then recanted which is already f**ked up if you ask me. I don't get the sense she was very remorseful about anything. And her sudden desire to make nice is probably just temporary so you'd stop leave her alone long enough to feel safe enough to return to her double life.

 

The whole things smells fishy. You already have doubts and are considering ending things so what's stopping you? What are you waiting for?

 

If you're as hot as you say you are, I'm sure you'll land another hot piece of a** in no time.

 

I'm sure you deserve better than a cheating wife no matter how attractive or fit she is. Her character is ugly.

Edited April 5, 2014 by fellini

[fellini]

Well OP, the kind of question you have asked will bring on the hawks and doves.

 

Many BS's will "advise" the Divorce route. Clean and simple. Other's, myself included will suggest giving it a go, not clean, not simple, but an option nonetheless.

 

You can have a look around at various posters' stories and see for yourself.

How many respondents are "advising" the clean and simple divorce who themselves did not consider recovery and reconciliation?

 

Advice needs to be taken in a context. It's true we have one LS member here who had chosen to R, and regrets it like a cancer. I believe him. But you also have those who chose to try, and have some things to say about that that choosing a D would not permit.

 

We also have here in LS a recent Post about a man who chose the cleand simple out on the street. During the past 5 years he hasn't been able to keep his "hands" off his exWS, she has been completely clean (as far as we can tell) while he has played the field. He is thinking to get back together with his S after 5 years.

 

For ME, if I had your thoughts in my head: Do I stay or do I go? I can only say this. That you have ambivalence suggests you do NOT WANT to go. You are having trouble reconciling your desire to stay with your utter and understandable DISGUST for what she has being doing and continues to do. Until her cycle of boundary crossing has been broken by a clear response from you, she is not going to convince you that there is still a marriage worth saving. She has to want to save the marriage as much as you.

 

That you haven't gotten half the truth out of her at this point is TOTALLY par for the course. It took me a full YEAR to get enough truth out of my WS to believe I have, more or less, the whole story. And getting the truth out a someone who was in two relationships is NEVER going to happen, because there are always at least 5 truths: yours, hers, her with him, her with you, and his about her. Experience has taught me lately that these truths can run completely independently as much like sitting in a football game with a fan of the other team. Same game, two completely different versions about what is going on. You have 5. So don't put your money on the idea of "coming clean" because it's not that easy for most.

 

Im saying is if you have the absolute clarity that posters like Harry Brown here have, then your decision is made. If you do not, you owe it to YOURSELF to explore your options, to explore what is possible and what is not.

 

WHEN you have tried everything you are prepared to try, then you will KNOW whether you are going to stay or go, and you will not need people in LS to tell you either way, they will only support you in your decision. Some at least.

 

 

Have her get out now.

 

File for divorce, she will cheat again and again. She is not telling you the truth.

 

Tell her to go to the OM. But at least tell the OM's wife or girlfriend. Expose to the world. Put her up on cheaterville.

Edited April 5, 2014 by fellini

[DKT3]

Well OP, the kind of question you have asked will bring on the hawks and doves.

 

Many BS's will "advise" the Divorce route. Clean and simple. Other's, myself included will suggest giving it a go, not clean, not simple, but an option nonetheless.

 

You can have a look around at various posters' stories and see for yourself.

How many respondents are "advising" the clean and simple divorce who themselves did not consider recovery and reconciliation?

 

Advice needs to be taken in a context. It's true we have one LS member here who had chosen to R, and regrets it like a cancer. I believe him. But you also have those who chose to try, and have some things to say about that that choosing a D would not permit.

 

We also have here in LS a recent Post about a man who chose the cleand simple out on the street. During the past 5 years he hasn't been able to keep his "hands" off his exWS, she has been completely clean (as far as we can tell) while he has played the field. He is thinking to get back together with his S after 5 years.

 

For ME, if I had your thoughts in my head: Do I stay or do I go? I can only say this. That you have ambivalence suggests you do NOT WANT to go. You are having trouble reconciling your desire to stay with your utter and understandable DISGUST for what she has being doing and continues to do. Until her cycle of boundary crossing has been broken by a clear response from you, she is not going to convince you that there is still a marriage worth saving. She has to want to save the marriage as much as you.

 

That you haven't gotten half the truth out of her at this point is TOTALLY par for the course. It took me a full YEAR to get enough truth out of my WS to believe I have, more or less, the whole story. And getting the truth out a someone who was in two relationships is NEVER going to happen, because there are always at least 5 truths: yours, hers, her with him, her with you, and his about her. Experience has taught me lately that these truths can run completely independently as much like sitting in a football game with a fan of the other team. Same game, two completely different versions about what is going on. You have 5. So don't put your money on the idea of "coming clean" because it's not that easy for most.

 

Im saying is if you have the absolute clarity that posters like Harry Brown here have, then your decision is made. If you do not, you owe it to YOURSELF to explore your options, to explore what is possible and what is not.

 

WHEN you have tried everything you are prepared to try, then you will KNOW whether you are going to stay or go, and you will not need people in LS to tell you either way, they will only support you in your decision. Some at least.

I can keep my hands off, sometimes we don't even use our hands

 

No but seriously, I was in your shoes OP. My wife made a half a$$ confession then backed off. For 14 months she wouldn't give me anything, wouldn't admitt what she had already confessed, wouldn't give me access to anything. In her mind, giving me anything was saying she was guilty, how could she admitt to being guilty about something she hadn't done. It got old, I woke one morning and said this was it "I'm done". I went down and filed, about two weeks later she was served at work, I didn't want to risk her getting the papers in front of the kids. I moved out that night. My actions forced her hand, I only wish I had done it 12 months before. She then admitted the affair (but not everything, saved some up. More later in my thread)

 

Believe it or not, while the actual affair sucked a$$, it was the crap afterwards that ended the marriage.

 

I or no one else can't tell you what road to take. Its a decision only you can make. The biggest lesson I learned is you really do have to be willing to risk it all to have a chance to fix it. I don't think my wife thought I would ever leave, so she denied thinking if she got angry enough or mean enough I would allow her to rugsweep. We would go about our merry way like it never happened. That where you are now, what you do next is up to you.