no one ever tells you...

January 14, 2014

I have recently discovered that as the one who cheated, no one ever tells you that when you are the weaker of the two, when you actually break down and cheat, you essentially absolve your partner of any and all culpability of the missteps and prior breakdowns in the relationship.

Everything essentially becomes YOUR fault, regardless of anything they may have done, or how emotionally unavailable they may have been prior to you succumbing to the temptation of the "other".

By no means and I using this to justify my actions, however the truth is always somewhere in the middle, and I did not "step out" for no reason.

I recognize I should have done things differently, however I do not feel as if I am 100% to blame?

January 14, 2014

Yeah, you kinda are 100% to blame if you cheated. Did your husband take control of your body and force you to have sex with another man? No, ok then, it was all totally you.

Now, it is certainly possible for a person to treat their partner badly enough to where they do want to cheat..make no mistake about that. However, unless they are Professor Xavier and have mind control powers..it is ultimately you who is choosing to "step out" as you put it, since you could of just gotten a divorce prior to stepping out if you were that unhappy. If cheating is easier then discussing your problems like an adult then all sorts of red flags go up.

So basically: it's not your fault the relationship had problems, it is 100% your fault you banged another dude.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Spectre

January 14, 2014

I have recently discovered that as the one who cheated, no one ever tells you that when you are the weaker of the two, when you actually break down and cheat, you essentially absolve your partner of any and all culpability of the missteps and prior breakdowns in the relationship.

Everything essentially becomes YOUR fault, regardless of anything they may have done, or how emotionally unavailable they may have been prior to you succumbing to the temptation of the "other".

By no means and I using this to justify my actions, however the truth is always somewhere in the middle, and I did not "step out" for no reason.

I recognize I should have done things differently, however I do not feel as if I am 100% to blame?

Yes, unfortunately, this seems more often than not to be the case. Once the cheating is discovered, it takes priority, all other problems in the relationship take a back seat to it, nothing else can be worked on until it is resolved. Whether that is right or wrong I don't know, but that seems to be the way it is.

I have seen many betrayed spouses acknowledge that there were problems that they were partially or even wholly responsible for in the relationship, but in almost every case the cheating, once discovered, becomes the problem that needs to get worked on first before the other problems get any attention.

January 14, 2014

I have recently discovered that as the one who cheated, no one ever tells you that when you are the weaker of the two, when you actually break down and cheat, you essentially absolve your partner of any and all culpability of the missteps and prior breakdowns in the relationship.

Everything essentially becomes YOUR fault, regardless of anything they may have done, or how emotionally unavailable they may have been prior to you succumbing to the temptation of the "other".

By no means and I using this to justify my actions, however the truth is always somewhere in the middle, and I did not "step out" for no reason.

I recognize I should have done things differently, however I do not feel as if I am 100% to blame?

The thing with cheating is that it solves nothing in the marriage and whatever problems you have you've just dumped a nuclear bomb on top of those problems.

You and your husband both share responsibility in your conflicts but you own 100% of choosing to cheat.

If you and your husband have a chance to reconcile you need to first deal eith the affair and then work on fixing your marriage.

I guarantee you, if you don't own your cheating and expect your husband to share the blame then your marriage may well be over.

Your husband should own his contribution to your marriage problems but in the initial early days, weeks and months it's a roller coaster of raw pain and emotion and it will be difficult for him to deal with anything other than the affair.

Be patient and own it.

January 14, 2014

Though yes, the other problem is if this guy forgives you for cheating on him..he is going to throw it in your face every time you have a fight. Just another reason why getting back with a cheater isn't a good idea, it makes any argument you may have potentially 1,000 times worse.

January 14, 2014

yeah, I admit, I banged the other dude. No question. It just totally sucks, that now even tho he will admit the situation and relationship had major problems all around, the fact that I was the weaker of the two of us, somehow absolves him of all his wrongdoings and misdeeds that he would never admit to or acknowledge prior to my misdeeds.

Is just frustrating that years and years of my begging for change and counseling etc fell on deaf ears, and yet now that I cheated, every thing is MY fault.

January 14, 2014

yeah, I admit, I banged the other dude. No question. It just totally sucks, that now even tho he will admit the situation and relationship had major problems all around, the fact that I was the weaker of the two of us, somehow absolves him of all his wrongdoings and misdeeds that he would never admit to or acknowledge prior to my misdeeds.

Is just frustrating that years and years of my begging for change and counseling etc fell on deaf ears, and yet now that I cheated, every thing is MY fault.

Well, I kinda feel for you since it sounds like your husband decided to forgive you, but keeps just throwing this in your face. I mean, for me cheating is an absolute deal breaker, but..if you are going to forgive the person then..well, forgive them. Thing is though..you can't ever erase those images from his mind. Now every time you do something hurtful or try to point out one of his flaws..he will immediately think back to the huge amount of pain you caused him.

Thing is, you just said yourself the counselling, etc. fell on deaf ears. You should of then walked out of the marriage at that point instead of cheating. I'd like to tell you that your husband will get over this, but I think it's going to be just something that builds and builds. Like I said, because of this now it can turn even a tiny argument into a very volatile situation..and that just sucks for everyone involved. Your husbands heart and head are in two different places. He probably does love you and wants to be with you, but his brain is telling him it just doesn't make sense to do that. It might be his own way of sabotaging things, since maybe he feels he isn't strong enough to leave you..so maybe he will just throw it in your face enough times until you leave him.

Sorry for your situation, but from what I am reading..it sounds like your marriage might be ready to combust, it is just merely a matter of time.

January 14, 2014

I get what you are saying. My marriage was in the toilet, to the point that I had moved out. I was begging for MC, and was trying to do anything to get us help. He wouldn't do it. After 18 yrs of him doing what he wanted as far as at least one EA, and countless boundary issues with other women, I had had enough. I even told him before I slept with someone else.

Now here is the kicker, did I have the right to do that? NO. I was still married. It didn't fix anything. I made it a million times worse. The worse thing about it all, I no longer recognized the person in the mirror. I thought I was better than that.

So I got to work on figuring out what allowed me to make that decision. What was it in me that failed that night and made that decision? I stopped focusing on all the crap in our marriage and got to work on me. I fixed who I was.

That is my suggestion for you. Stop blaming your marriage for the crappy decision that you made and figure out why you allowed yourself to go down this road. Maybe once you start changing you will start to see a change in your husband. And then your marriage.

January 14, 2014

Hmmmm?

Other issues pale in comparison. It's like someone on trial for murder and their defense is...'geesh, there are also other bad people. A gal had a late library book and Mary stole a candy bar from Walmart.'

I have no up idea how a woman could expect to live with a man she cheated on. It would be like walking on eggs forever. But that's just the couple of men I've been with. Perhaps there are more forgiving men but they aren't the type I'd want to be with. I have never cheated and would not want to be with a man who accepted cheating.

Your relationship is over. You just need to accept it. Learn and move on.

January 14, 2014

yeah, I admit, I banged the other dude. No question. It just totally sucks, that now even tho he will admit the situation and relationship had major problems all around, the fact that I was the weaker of the two of us, somehow absolves him of all his wrongdoings and misdeeds that he would never admit to or acknowledge prior to my misdeeds.

Is just frustrating that years and years of my begging for change and counseling etc fell on deaf ears, and yet now that I cheated, every thing is MY fault.

Yeah, my boyfriend's ex did this. Kiiiindaaa sad. They'll never look inward and better themselves, even if the relationship ended.

January 14, 2014

I am from the other side - the ones who were cheated.. I think nothing gives anyone right to cheat. Because it defies the very core that marriage is build upon. It's like shooting someone with shotgun for stealing your car. It is way inadequate. Plus it is very stupid. Because when you cheat you're not solving anything. You just killing you marriage but in the worst kind of way. You can have your respect for just leaving the marriage with saying "i just got enough". No one would blame you. At least no one would blame you THAT much. Well.. I feel you're trying to rationalize. That is you try saying "I cheated because this and this". You're trying to make sense out of all this. But there is no sense. And the ending is much worse than if you would just leave.

It's very simple. If you do not respect your marriage. If you are not happy. And you do not want to try to make it better. You just leave. But if you cheat... you have no respect any more and you automatically become the one who's fault is it.

January 14, 2014

I have never cheated and would not want to be with a man who accepted cheating.

Love what you wrote.... I am a man. Would I want to be with someone who accepts me cheating? I don't think so.

January 14, 2014

Yes, unfortunately, this seems more often than not to be the case. Once the cheating is discovered, it takes priority, all other problems in the relationship take a back seat to it, nothing else can be worked on until it is resolved. Whether that is right or wrong I don't know, but that seems to be the way it is.

I have seen many betrayed spouses acknowledge that there were problems that they were partially or even wholly responsible for in the relationship, but in almost every case the cheating, once discovered, becomes the problem that needs to get worked on first before the other problems get any attention.

I am not sure I agree that the cheating takes priority until it is resolved. I am VERY early into this but I have an awful feeling the problem of cheating is never resolved. It will always be there, lurking. Never gone.

I think if there is any hope of moving forward and having a healthy relationship then all problems in the marriage need to be addressed.

And, as a BS, I immediately starting thinking about what I had done wrong/could have done better/didn't do/did do. I am more than willing to fix anything I can do. More than willing to take 50% of the blame re problems with the marriage. But there is NO way I am responsible for having a husband who cheated.

January 14, 2014

I am not sure I agree that the cheating takes priority until it is resolved. I am VERY early into this but I have an awful feeling the problem of cheating is never resolved. It will always be there, lurking. Never gone.
I think if there is any hope of moving forward and having a healthy relationship then all problems in the marriage need to be addressed.
And, as a BS, I immediately starting thinking about what I had done wrong/could have done better/didn't do/did do. I am more than willing to fix anything I can do. More than willing to take 50% of the blame re problems with the marriage. But there is NO way I am responsible for having a husband who cheated.

All marriages have problems. Some are addressed some are not. Cheating is a bomb. You can't do anything until it stops. Women and Men cheating is very different. I'd say if a man cheats - there might be hope. If a woman cheats it's like 95% chance that marriage is over. When men cheat - they usually do it just for sex. If they caught they have no issues to quit it immediately . Even men who have good marriages can do that just because they have more need for sex with different partners. Still don't write off all men. Only about 50% men cheat and really not all of them (funny thing those 50% of men who cheat try hard to make world believe that all men do that - but it's not true).

January 14, 2014

All marriages have problems. Some are addressed some are not. Cheating is a bomb. You can't do anything until it stops. Women and Men cheating is very different. I'd say if a man cheats - there might be hope. If a woman cheats it's like 95% chance that marriage is over. When men cheat - they usually do it just for sex. If they caught they have no issues to quit it immediately . Even men who have good marriages can do that just because they have more need for sex with different partners. Still don't write off all men. Only about 50% men cheat and really not all of them (funny thing those 50% of men who cheat try hard to make world believe that all men do that - but it's not true).

Nice generalization. So tell me, why do women cheat?

January 14, 2014

He may have pissed you off in your marriage, couples go through that all the time, the simple resolve if you can't make it work, divorce. He never betrayed you by f**king another woman, that's the difference between the two of you, he respected your boundaries. You are alone on that journey, once you stepped over that line you can't take back infidelity, you did it and you own it all by yourself. He may never say it to you but the innocence is gone, another man has desecrated his holy ground and you helped him do it. You say "you never stepped out for no reason," we all know that reason as betrayed spouse's we've all had to eat that sh*t sandwich, it's all about you and being selfish. You have a life time to deal with it.

January 14, 2014

You are 100% to blame. Cheating has nothing to do with your relationship problems. Cheating is a route you took vs others. The two are on separate islands.

All Ms have problems, all but not all cheat, any number of variables within the context of fixing M problems via the marriage.

You did something on your own and want to equate its result to something that has nothing to do with it. If you have problems with the relationship, its fixed because you want to stay with them or you get it out.

There are no reasons, excuses, contributing factors, "atmospheric variables" within M problems that have any type of connection with cheating. Cheating is its own animal that comprises the worst attributes about ourselves, the lying point blank, deceit, loss of identity, planning, manipulation and so on. Are we to say those traits have any merit to stand up and say "but my marriage sucked!?" no.

Is just frustrating that years and years of my begging for change and counseling etc fell on deaf ears, and yet now that I cheated, every thing is MY fault.

What do you mean everything is your fault? If you mean the BS blames you for a bad M than no, they are as non sequitur as your statement. You are both responsible for M problems but that has noting to do with you cheating.

Why did you stay for years and years? That is i am taking your word of one side of the story and saying you did indeed beg for MC.

If I could, use a contract perhaps as a poor example and i know there a few that see Ms as just that; but, there are problems with contracts and they get resolved within the boundaries and rules of the contract. Then there is a breach of the contract something that happens outside the context of the contract and has nothing to do with the contract..

Edited January 14, 2014 by atreides

January 14, 2014

Nice generalization. So tell me, why do women cheat?

All selfish reasons for either sex.

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Cheat

• more sex - the desire for a more active sex life

• sexual variety - the desire for different types of sex or a particular sex act

• opportunistic sex – he’s presented with an opportunity to have sex without getting caught

• to satisfy his sexual curiosity about having sex with a particular person

• to reaffirm his sexuality

• a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat)

• the “thrill of the chase”

• ego embellishment - the desire to feel important or special

• peer pressure

• sexual addiction

Top 10 Reasons Why Women Cheat

• to fulfill an unmet need for emotional intimacy or a desire close emotional bond

• dissatisfaction with her mate

• dissatisfaction with her marriage or relationship

• a desire for male attention

• reaffirmation of her desirability as a woman

• to re-capture the feelings of romance or passion

• a desire to feel “special”

• boredom or loneliness

• feelings of neglect or being taken for granted

• sexual excitement

I guess these are from studies or surveys, but sex seems to be at the top of the list for men and at the bottom of the list for women. While it is emotional needs are high on the list for women and didn't even make the list for men. Interesting, but my EA was to fill an emotional need for me. I needed a friend and then fell for her like a complete moron. When my W cheated she confessed it was all emotional and sex played no real importance. It was all about how her OM made her feel.

January 14, 2014

And no one tells you as a BS, whether or not the marriage was perfect, that the ONE person that made vows to you....would one day think that they are justified to messing around with someone else. That even though your marriage is going through a rough patch, your partner has decided that since their needs are not being met that is "okay" to step outside the marriage....else we would have done it too.

Look....no one is saying your marital problems are 100% your fault. What we are saying is that making a choice to step outside that marriage, rather than face it and fix it, is 100% your choice.

If both of you want to keep the marriage then you BOTH have to dig deep and figure out what is important to you both and make sure it happens. But you do have a heavy burden to carry in order to make it up to your spouse. Just as the burden we carry as a BS weighs a ton.

Don't think for a moment that your spouse is not questioning WHY on a daily/hourly basis right now. But the truth is...majority of the time we could be perfect and not prevent cheating. Sit back and think about it. Figure out the why and how, knowing the pain you would cause....you could continue to cheat. Then figure out how you intend to prevent it in the future.

January 14, 2014

All selfish reasons for either sex.

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Cheat
• more sex - the desire for a more active sex life
• sexual variety - the desire for different types of sex or a particular sex act
• opportunistic sex – he’s presented with an opportunity to have sex without getting caught
• to satisfy his sexual curiosity about having sex with a particular person
• to reaffirm his sexuality
• a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat)
• the “thrill of the chase”
• ego embellishment - the desire to feel important or special
• peer pressure
• sexual addiction

Top 10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
• to fulfill an unmet need for emotional intimacy or a desire close emotional bond
• dissatisfaction with her mate
• dissatisfaction with her marriage or relationship
• a desire for male attention
• reaffirmation of her desirability as a woman
• to re-capture the feelings of romance or passion
• a desire to feel “special”
• boredom or loneliness
• feelings of neglect or being taken for granted
• sexual excitement

I guess these are from studies or surveys, but sex seems to be at the top of the list for men and at the bottom of the list for women. While it is emotional needs are high on the list for women and didn't even make the list for men. Interesting, but my EA was to fill an emotional need for me. I needed a friend and then fell for her like a complete moron. When my W cheated she confessed it was all emotional and sex played no real importance. It was all about how her OM made her feel.

LMAO! All the reasons my guy stated for the cheating were the woman's reasons. Sex is on our list, but it's less important than a connection, friendship, love, kindness, understanding, common goals, et al.

January 14, 2014

yeah, I admit, I banged the other dude. No question. It just totally sucks, that now even tho he will admit the situation and relationship had major problems all around, the fact that I was the weaker of the two of us, somehow absolves him of all his wrongdoings and misdeeds that he would never admit to or acknowledge prior to my misdeeds.

Is just frustrating that years and years of my begging for change and counseling etc fell on deaf ears, and yet now that I cheated, every thing is MY fault.

It is your fault.

You could have divorced him if you were that unhappy - but you didn't. You chose to try and fix it by being greedy and also going behind his back. That never fixes the issues.

Like I said - your solution could have been to divorce him and have your self respect in place.

Posters here tells the cheater all the time what damage they are causing by cheating - so yes, people do give warning with honesty.

Edited January 14, 2014 by beach

January 14, 2014

LMAO! All the reasons my guy stated for the cheating were the woman's reasons. Sex is on our list, but it's less important than a connection, friendship, love, kindness, understanding, common goals, et al.

Maybe he's a woman trapped in a mans body. LOL

No, I also had a bunch from the woman's list. Guys need attention too. LOL

January 14, 2014

Unhappy marriage does not lead to infidelity.

Unhappy marriage should lead to:

1. finding a solution

2. sticking with the status quo

3. divorce

Saying an unhappy marriage leads to an affair is the same as saying that having an accident in your car leads to stabbing the other driver in the head with a screwdriver and jumping up and down on his body. It happens and it is certainly an option but for most people it isn't the obvious one and most certainly not a good one

January 14, 2014

Unhappy marriage does not lead to infidelity.
Unhappy marriage should lead to:

1. finding a solution
2. sticking with the status quo
3. divorce

Saying an unhappy marriage leads to an affair is the same as saying that having an accident in your car leads to stabbing the other driver in the head with a screwdriver and jumping up and down on his body. It happens and it is certainly an option but for most people it isn't the obvious one and most certainly not a good one

I hear what you are saying. I don't disagree. One contract should be fulfilled, or voided, before beginning another. Some people though, are just trying to live. Trying to get by. Want to feel loved. Find themselves in strange situations. I think a lot of us just want to make things right.

The thing that crosses my mind often is this: If the marriage had ended and your ex had found someone new within six months, a year, would you have felt differently?

Complacency kills.

January 14, 2014

It's simple. You need to own your S***. Look, folks can understand how marriages can suck, how one-sided they can be, that one spouse can feel alone, unsupported, etc. They can empathize with your pain. They cannot however agree with or support your decision. Because it was just that, you made the choice -you- of how you would handle the situation. You tried to plug a dam with a match stick. You got a fix as if that fix was going to magically make everything else disappear or get better. Oh your marriage was so bad, blah, blah, blah. Look my marriage was no picnic. I was lied to, cheated on, financially crushed, manipulated etc. for several years. Spent many of those years celibate, no physical affection etc. Could I have cheated? The opportunities were certainly there and with a pretty high probability of not getting caught. Was not even a thought. No way would I disrespect myself like that...I dealt with enough disrespect from my spouse why would I be so abusive to myself. You disrespected your spouse but you also disrespected yourself. Own it. Until you own it NOTHING will improve. Own it and people will be much more willing to listen to you.

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