Telling him where I'm at

[katielee]

want to give him:

 

I’m not most angry about your affairs. I’m most angry because you didn’t look at yourself squarely in the face after my affair and realize that you were hurting so badly. You were so emasculated, angry and humiliated from what I did that you self-medicated by having an affair. When you got caught you were still very angry with me and then ashamed about what you did so you reached for the same coping mechanism again. I’m sure it was simply too painful to look at. But adults do what they need to do to help themselves and those they love no matter the pain. It’s so hard for me to understand this because you are such a sacrificer in every other aspect of your life. I suppose it’s because this thing hit you so hard you couldn’t cope. I have compassion for you for being in this pain.

 

I know you have compassion for the pain I am in dealing with what you did. Recovering from this has been near impossible. Some days I think I can do this. Other days I want to throw in the towel, it’s just too painful. I keep trudging along, hoping time will make me feel better but I know it’ll never be the same as it used to be. The sadness of this engulfs me at times.

 

You’re trying and loving me the way you can. I know you feel differently about me and I can sense this loss and I understand it. We have fun together with the kids, friends, watching basketball, traveling, planning for our future. I hate that this big thing happened and it has clouded our enjoyment from life.

 

I have said many times how much I despise seeing them. You said that there are people everywhere. This isn’t my worry. I expect us both to be faithful. What I’m talking about is very different: you respecting my need not to be re-traumatized again by seeing the people you had affairs with. I don’t know how to get this across to you. In my head, it’s not acceptable for me to have to go through this. I can’t make you respect me or think I’m worthy. I know I’m worthy so I can make choices that take my emotional well being consideration, which, in my opinion, far outweigh our financial goals.

 

Our needs seem to be so far apart and I don’t know what to do about this. You don’t want to talk about things and I need to share my struggles. I want to read, go to marriage retreats, perhaps move – start fresh. You want to put it in the past. I guess our ideas about moving forward are very different. If people in a marriage are supposed to be on the same team, how do we win this one together? I’m still confused. I don’t know whether to leave you, press for a move, or just stay married and accept what you did and seeing them as part of my life. They are all awful choices.

[TaraMaiden]

Hopefully you got it sufficiently off your chest for the desire to send it, to pass.

 

Say nothing.

Remain dignified and adult.

Move on.

let it be, and leave what's done, done.

 

 

I don’t know whether to leave you, press for a move, or just stay married and accept what you did and seeing them as part of my life. They are all awful choices.

What do you REALLY want to do?

Edited January 10, 2014 by TaraMaiden

[katielee]

Hopefully you got it sufficiently off your chest for the desire to send it, to pass.

 

Say nothing.

Remain dignified and adult.

Move on.

let it be, and leave what's done, done.

 

 

 

What do you REALLY want to do?

 

what?? There is dignity in letting your spouse know how you feel. I plan on giving it to him.

[TaraMaiden]

He's practising classic 'head in the sand' avoidance behaviour.

 

The sad thing about issues like this, is that your letter will probably not provoke the response you desire.

he will treat it just like any other 'tool' you implement to generate a response: he will brush it under the carpet and ignore it, and hope that by not addressing it, the matter will die down and go away.

 

hasn't everything you have done so far, been met with that result?

 

All he needs to do, is to not respond or react.

 

Sadly, this leaves you few options, but you have to be the 'enactor'...

 

so my final question still stands....

[drifter777]

I rarely post in BW threads but your question seems to be more about understanding your H and how to get your point across to him. His response is classic "how a guy handles relationship problems" - he has compartmentalized and stowed away his feelings about these problems and hopes they just magically go away. This is not going to change without a smack over the head with a 2-by-4; namely you kicking him out or walking out yourself. Follow this up quickly with divorce papers. If he doesn't come running to you telling you he will do whatever he has to do to save the marriage then just continue with the divorce. If he does come back and you start counseling and marriage encounter or whatever else you think the two of you need to repair your marriage, be warned that he may back-slide and start to resist participating in all of this "non-sense". At that point divorce him and don't look back. Guys will say anything in an attempt to smooth over all of this fuss and get back to "normal" so you can't let him get away with that or you're right back where you are now.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Katie, you have never wavered on wanting to move. It has been a part of your threads in one form or another. It is glaringly obvious that this important to you. I can't say that most would not feel the same way. To know that you never have to scan the market, pool, bank, sidewalk, park....to see if an unwanted encounter is in the cards for today.

 

To me, your request is reasonable. I see it as bringing you both together working on this project. Getting your house ready to sell, going through the closets, garage, basement. Home shopping together. Talking about what you want in the next home, decorating. So many positives. So much bonding, reconnecting, coffees, drives, etc.

 

 

Not to mention, no old demons in the new home.

 

 

Make sure you tell him how very important this one request is.

[katielee]

ok I changed my letter:

 

I don’t know how to tell you this SO YOU WILL HEAR IT: if I see either of them again I will ask that we move or I will leave you.

 

YOU ARE EXPECTING TOO MUCH OF ME to stay here after what happened. You should want to do anything you can to make me feel safe if you want to be married to me. Because you have dragged your feet on this, and other things, I can only assume you don’t care. Message received loud and clear.

 

And, YOU ARE BEING AN a $ $ h o ! e when you tell me talking about it empties your love bank. DON’T HAVE AFFAIRS if you don’t want to talk about it.

[ladydesigner]

(((katielee))) He should really consider moving for your own mental sanity and peace. Keep making yourself a priority!

[BetrayedH]

Lol. Quite a dramatic edit to your first draft.

 

I suggest you merge them. Start with the first one and end with your ultimatum.

[cozycottagelg]

Do you feel like since you cheated first, he feels like he was justified, and that it isn't as big of a deal as it truly is?

[katielee]

Do you feel like since you cheated first, he feels like he was justified, and that it isn't as big of a deal as it truly is?

 

probably...

 

I mean, he doesn't really act like a guy who's cheated twice. Most guys would do anything their wife asked, just to stay married.

[harrybrown]

What has he done positive to get over your affair? Having an RA is not positive. It is blowing up everything.

 

Has he ever moved past your affair? Did it suck the life out of him so that he lost all of his self-esteem or that he lost any zest for life? Is he still hollow inside? How is his self-esteem? Lousy for sure because of the RA.

 

The RA was extremely damaging. I never had an RA, but I do know that my wife's A sucked the life out of me. I have been told that is was just her selfishness, but it was a real ego blow. She went with this cheating loser, so how bad must I be? I have provided for the family by working my ass off for over 35 years. And this is the thanks.

 

And if he never gets over it, and made it worse with the RA, he is no longer the man you married.

 

It may be time to move on, because some of us never seem to get over her affair. It has made me not care about her or life, but I tried so hard for the many years before her A. I used to hate her, but now there is no life left. I have started the 180 and it is helping me. And I am out for me now.

 

If he is like me, you should file. If my wife would file, I would now welcome it. I am trying to stay for 2 more years until the last one leaves the nest. He is older and would be ok even if she filed today.

[katielee]

Lol. Quite a dramatic edit to your first draft.

 

I suggest you merge them. Start with the first one and end with your ultimatum.

 

I was being a little facetious but yes, I will.

[Fluttershy]

probably...

 

I mean, he doesn't really act like a guy who's cheated twice. Most guys would do anything their wife asked, just to stay married.

 

Actually, there are guys who would only do this if they actually think they are going to lose their wife. It is probable that he thinks it should be over and done with because of you starting it. But it is also probable that he thinks you won't really leave.

[katielee]

What has he done positive to get over your affair? Having an RA is not positive. It is blowing up everything.

 

Has he ever moved past your affair? Did it suck the life out of him so that he lost all of his self-esteem or that he lost any zest for life? Is he still hollow inside? How is his self-esteem? Lousy for sure because of the RA.

 

The RA was extremely damaging. I never had an RA, but I do know that my wife's A sucked the life out of me. I have been told that is was just her selfishness, but it was a real ego blow. She went with this cheating loser, so how bad must I be? I have provided for the family by working my ass off for over 35 years. And this is the thanks.

 

And if he never gets over it, and made it worse with the RA, he is no longer the man you married.

 

It may be time to move on, because some of us never seem to get over her affair. It has made me not care about her or life, but I tried so hard for the many years before her A. I used to hate her, but now there is no life left. I have started the 180 and it is helping me. And I am out for me now.

 

If he is like me, you should file. If my wife would file, I would now welcome it. I am trying to stay for 2 more years until the last one leaves the nest. He is older and would be ok even if she filed today.

 

He goes to IC and I know it's more about what I did then what he did, which I guess is good if that is the major hangup. But I dont' know if he is over it.

He claims his two affairs were not RA but what you spoke of as it damaged his ego so badly... I'm not sure he did it to get even but to prove that someone wanted him.

 

How do I know if he's over it? I know I'm not over his.

[katielee]

Katie, you have never wavered on wanting to move. It has been a part of your threads in one form or another. It is glaringly obvious that this important to you.

 

 

Make sure you tell him how very important this one request is.

 

AG: I've seen them 20 times, it's been meltdown after meltdown. He should know it's important to me. If he doesn't know this, or chooses to ignore it, I think I have my answer,

[Fluttershy]

He may very well be more "over it" than you. Not only are you two different people but also think of it this way.

 

It is agreed upon that a person who witnesses the brutal murder of a loved one take significantly longer to heal than those that didn't witness it. The images in your mind are real not made up and therefore far more powerful. I know some people have really stron imaginations but this still has been shown true in the cases of people actially witnessing a crime as opposed to being told.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Katie,

 

 

I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. There are days I wish we could just move as well, for many reasons. I feel like a fresh start might do us both good.

 

 

There are so many triggers around town, but it HAS gotten better. You may have seen my threads - I see xmom's parents and his BS's parents from time to time as we don't live more than 5 minutes apart.

 

 

I ran into my husband's XMOW for the first time since his dday two years ago just two weeks ago. I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner since she only lives 10 minutes away. The office building we own together is a trigger as that is where his affair took place.

 

 

I don't know what your situation is, but I am a realist and there is no way we can move. His parents are aging and live close by - care will fall to us - my mother lives with us. His business is in town - until that building can be sold (which will happen someday soon), we are stuck. Our last child has one more year of high school and then things might be easier, but then our oldest and his wife live 5 minutes from us with our grandchildren. To move then penalizes both us and our grandchildren.

 

 

I don't know how long it's been for you, but time does help.

 

 

However, you are very much within your rights to tell him how you are feeling - there is nothing wrong with that - maybe between the two of you, there can be some compromise??

[katielee]

lilmiss: thanks for your thoughts.

 

our kids are grown and I can work anywhere. His job is based on contacts so although he could do it, establishing himself would be hard. And his identity is tied to his work - he is in charge and it's a very public job.

 

however, we have the funds to do this. I thinik when something big like this happens (um 3 affairs and a rape) maybe things need to change. Like, maybe we should join the Peace corp for 3 years or something. Or buy a ranch in Montana. I kept saying after my affair that something big needed to happen, we needed a change - we started to get serious about trying for another kid - I was 42 and our son was a senior in HS. We didn't and I regret that.

 

So equally, I think we can't go on status quo. I don't want to look back on my life and think I lived a life of not being his priority.

 

His sacrifice is staying married to me, I guess.

 

compromise: I have tried to think outside of the box. I even thought I'd spend $1000 every time I saw them - really hit him where it counts. But that is immature and acting out on my part and I'm not going there.

 

But like fluttershy said, those who see the deed in action, well that is a special kind of hell that I've worked hard to recover from. But I should never have to see the woman who's breast I saw him caressing. Ever. I just don't think time will erase that.

 

And I'm strong enough to put my foot down.

thank you friends!

[tiredofitall2]

ok I changed my letter:

 

I don’t know how to tell you this SO YOU WILL HEAR IT: if I see either of them again I will ask that we move or I will leave you.

 

YOU ARE EXPECTING TOO MUCH OF ME to stay here after what happened. You should want to do anything you can to make me feel safe if you want to be married to me. Because you have dragged your feet on this, and other things, I can only assume you don’t care. Message received loud and clear.

 

And, YOU ARE BEING AN a $ $ h o ! e when you tell me talking about it empties your love bank. DON’T HAVE AFFAIRS if you don’t want to talk about it.

 

What about your XAP? Does he run across him at all? How does he feel about that possibility?

[Tayla]

Trying best I can to understand the syndrome here, You both have had indiscretions and the angst is that he isn't willing to validate your feelings but instead chooses to move on from the past. Granted I don't think two wrongs make a right...surely there is a simpler way to have rebuild if indeed that is what you are seeking. Somehow though I sense that if he even did valdiate your side that you would feel "in control" to run the marriage ...It takes two to make it....Imagine for a moment if you lived in a perfect world what you would want him to say or do....then instead ...you say it and you do it....We learn best that which we emulate....

[katielee]

My xAP moved 4 hours away. He pretty much ran him out if town. We've not seen him since.

 

Easy to emulate: if my work triggered him or if my ap was still here I'd say, honey let's go, let's get you away from all this....

[tiredofitall2]

My xAP moved 4 hours away. He pretty much ran him out if town. We've not seen him since.

 

Easy to emulate: if my work triggered him or if my ap was still here I'd say, honey let's go, let's get you away from all this....

 

I ask because I'm in a situation similar in the sense that we both had As. But it seems that I took it harder then she did, although for a long time it also seemed that she was much more into me than I into her. Like she loved me more intensely. I guess I was just less expressive. But many times it is as if men take As harder than women. But in your case it is as if you are taking it as hard f not harder than him. Of course, tha fact that you still have to deal with the APs makes it much worse, and he did sleep with 2 women. On the other hand, you had the A first.

 

In my case I was the one who had an EA first that after moving out and "separating" became AP. Yet once we decided to R she went full blown PA with a man that was after her from when we were "separated". Although I had moved out we were still intimate and dating every weekend.

 

Nonetheless, don't underestimate your Hs pain. It sounds to me as he is trying to make things work the only way he knows. I'm sorry you have to see these women.

 

In my case I filed for D and can't deal with her anymore, for other reasons that are not important at the moment.

 

How long did your A last? My W's was about 5 months.

[katielee]

Thanks tired, my A was three months, his were each 4 weeks long.

I absolutely know he's in pain. And moving on as best he can.

I have a line in the sand. I really think he's expecting too much if me to stay here.

Not sure what he would do if I had two APs living here...

[road]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It supports the need to move away after an affair.