Inaccurate Signs of Infidelity

[SarahJames]

After reading much literature on infidelity, I find that the "signs" we are told to look out for, when trying to determine if our partner is cheating, are extremely obvious or just plain inaccurate.

 

Examples:

 

#1: Suspicious text messages or calls

You're not always going to find text messages or calls when your partner is cheating. Those can all easily be deleted. What you need to look out for is the phone bill - that can't be altered. Furthermore, your partner doesn't even need to use texting or phone calls to cheat. All they need to do is set up a different e-mail address and you'll never even know.

 

#2: He'll smell different

It's often said that your partner will smell of either different perfume or soap. A partner who is really cautious will make sure to shower and not use a fragrant soap before they return home to you. How dumb would he have to be to not shower and make sure he doesn't smell of another woman? Again, you'd never even know.

 

#3: Change in your sex life

Some say if he's cheating he will be less into having sex with you. This is possible. He could be satisfied because he's getting sex somewhere else. However, he can also be aware of the fact you'd pick up on that. So, what is he going to do? He's going to keep having sex with you too. Your partner could be cheating, and your sex life can remain the same.

 

#4: Mood Changes

This is one I feel isn't talked about enough. If your partner is cheating, more specifically; if he's cheating and emotionally involved, he will experience highs and lows. One moment he's the happiest person ever, and the next he's upset for no apparent reason (or vice versa). I find this to be a huge red flag. He's communicating with another person he's sexually involved with, he's going to be affected by what that person says and does. It's going to effect his behavior and mood. So don't assume that his sudden bad mood is "just nothing".

 

#5: Your partner appears distant/disinterested

It's often said that a cheating partner will appear disinterested in you, how you look, what you say, etc. I find this sign as extremely obvious. Of course if your partner is involved with someone else, their mind will be somewhere else. But you can't use this as a means to determine whether or not they will be cheating. I would think that a cheating spouse would come off as MORE interested in you if they WERE cheating as a way to cover it up. They don't want you getting suspicious, so all of a sudden they become the best husband/wife you could ever ask for. Then you assume everything (and your marriage) is perfectly fine.

 

Bottom-line: I think a cheating partner would be cautious. As a result, they'd want to keep things as normal as possible, so you'd never get suspicious. You're not going to see obvious clues - you're going to have to dig to really know if they're cheating or not.

 

Thoughts? Did you see "signs" your partner was cheating? What were they? Did you find out and not see any signs at all?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The number one sign for a woman cheater, from my experience, is protecting the phone, never letting it out of her sight, sleeping with it under her pillow, taking it in the shower with her, etc.

 

 

My impression is that most catch their cheater for the first time by accident, by sloppiness of the cheater, by leaving the phone out that one single time, by forgetting to close out the window on the computer one time. Prior to that, they were completely trusting and did not even look. Only in hindsight do they realize that one or more of those signs you posted also were present.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Bottom-line: I think a cheating partner would be cautious. As a result, they'd want to keep things as normal as possible, so you'd never get suspicious. You're not going to see obvious clues - you're going to have to dig to really know if they're cheating or not.

 

Thoughts? Did you see "signs" your partner was cheating? What were they? Did you find out and not see any signs at all?

 

 

I think most cheaters who do it long enough, like years, eventually get caught by some odd circumstance. That said, I think a lot of cheaters who have months or even year-long affairs and end it NEVER get caught. The affair ends before they get caught. Many times on here you will see that when the cheater confesses, they confess multiple affairs, while the betrayed spouse only found the most recent one, and by accident at that.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I caught my cheater by accident through an email. Main sign in hindsight was that she was spending a lot of time on the computer late at night, told me she was catching up on Facebook with friends, I never doubted her honesty one bit, thought that was exactly what she was doing, until I found that one email by accident one day. Then I was able to recover everything and I knew everything. Had been married 20 years and she never gave me a reason not to trust, we had been through some trying life events together, but never had any issues in our marriage.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

#4: Mood Changes

This is one I feel isn't talked about enough. If your partner is cheating, more specifically; if he's cheating and emotionally involved, he will experience highs and lows. One moment he's the happiest person ever,

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing that brought back some memories and I had to chime in just to give a little example.

 

 

Many years ago in my youth I had been dating a gal for a year or more. I had started growing very restless and had started casually seeing some other gals here and there as the opportunities arose.

 

 

One day my GF confronted me about it and asked if I was seeing someone else. I asked her why she would ask me that and her reply was, " you have been so much happier lately and in a lot better mood."

 

 

That stopped me speechless in my tracks and I sat and thought about it for awhile and then finally said she was right, I had been a lot happier and in a better mood lately and let her go.

 

 

I think the moral of the story here is if your partner is in a lot better mood and seems to be a lot happier lately and it turns out that they are seeing someone else. The fact they are happier and in a much better mood is a very very bad sign.

[Zenstudent]

I catched her by accident, and even in hindsight there was nothing to clue me in. They kept communication within work hours and deleted everything.

 

A coincidal text message from a unknown male with some odd, mild flirty content made me look at phone records, then at her FB-account, then restore of everything - and it was all out in the open.

 

She was an excellent actress, but she told me that she experienced sleeping diificulties the last few months because the compartmentalization was eating at her.

 

So I think in many cases, the signs aren't there, even if you know what to look for.

[tired girl]

There were a lot of red flags that I ignored for a period of time due to the fact that I thought we were working on our M.

 

Started taking his phone into the bathroom. Going up into his office at off times and being on computer. The biggest was his mood change, became very distant and dis connected. Busted him by phone bill.

[waterwoman]

Mood changes? Yep, he was a moody bad-tempered self-centred sh)t. He was behaving like a stroppy spoilt child. In fact i threatened to leave at one point after a particularly bad episode when he'd been vile to the children. I knew something was wrong but he wouldn't say what. I put it down to work stress.

 

We were having sex as normal. In fact he seemed more keen.

 

Phone - he always texted a lot with his friends about football. I didn't notice.

 

He wasn't more critical of me, perhaps just less aware of me and what I was doing.

 

Agree with mickey, I only noticed all the clues after Dday when I had the facts. His ow had warned him to delete all his txts but he didn't bother because he never thought I'd look. It took me 6 months.....I was so trusting.

[liloldlady]

 

#2: He'll smell different

It's often said that your partner will smell of either different perfume or soap. A partner who is really cautious will make sure to shower and not use a fragrant soap before they return home to you.

 

Wow. My friend has a long time chick he shacks up with and used to insist I use a certain soap. Yeah, not always possible and he doesn't ever complain about the pink, girly soap he uses when he's at my house.

[Confused48]

In my case there were TONS of red flags. I ignored them all. I was so sure that my WS would NEVER do that. Just so out of characiter it was unthinkable. Me maybe. WS, never!

[parlour_pete]

The number one sign for a woman cheater, from my experience, is protecting the phone, never letting it out of her sight, sleeping with it under her pillow, taking it in the shower with her, etc.

 

yup...this is exactly what my W did. she complained about her battery on her phone so i was going to by her it as a gift but i needed the part number. she took it everywhere but bringing the restroom while in the shower thing really made me wonder.

[parlour_pete]

In my case there were TONS of red flags. I ignored them all. I was so sure that my WS would NEVER do that. Just so out of characiter it was unthinkable.

 

me too, bud.

[Realist3]

Emotions are far and away the biggest red flag. One can hide/delete texts and all outward signs of an affair, but it is extremely difficult to hide the inward signs. While it serves as an obvious sign to the BS, it is also serves as the number one obstacle to keep A's going. It is a constant mental battle that is excruciating.

 

Now on my second official break from the A, it is an enormous weight that is lifted off. It presents an interesting dichotomy.

[Arieswoman]

I suffered the same behaviour from my exH as Waterwoman, sulking, complaining about everything, ignoring me, nasty remarks. This went on for 6 months.

 

In fact I also threatened to leave one day after he had said some really nasty things to me. I put my name on an Estate Agent's mailing list for available properties. That worried him but didn't stop his behaviour.

 

I only put up with all this because I thought he was under stress at work.

 

He bought some new clothes and smartened himself up a bit. I didn't think it was odd, but later I realised it was a "red flag".

 

When I caught him out with his affair it was a relief as I now knew what the problem was. He wore me down so much with his bad behaviour, put downs and snide remarks that I just wanted out of the marriage, so I pushed the divorce through as fast as I could. I no longer had any respect for him before I found out about his A.

[Spark1111]

Slept, hid, guarded his cell phone.

 

was frequently unavailable....as in a meeting, in an area with no phone service, at a business dinner meeting, working late, etc.

 

Grew moody, distant, critical, complaining.....

 

had sex at least twice a week during the affair, down from our usual three times. chalked it up to the stress from a new, high powered position....the one we had been praying for.

 

Shorter with the kids and more resentful...thought everyone was taking advantage of him and here just for the paycheck. meanwhile he became stingier about paying for household bills....sigh...less money to wine and dine the mistress who helped fuel this delusion.

 

OP, I think you are viewing the affair through a rational perspective and it is something all rational people do.

 

But there is little that is rational about an affair. In fact, there is a reputable school of thought that asserts cheaters subconsciously leave a phone with a text or computer screen up....BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE CAUGHT.

 

They are weary of the cognitive dissonance and deception and secretly want mommy or daddy (spouse) to end it for them with a DDAY....

 

....cowards that they are....

[Furious]

Strangely, anyone in an affair for a period of time becomes quite stressed. The juggling of a double life as time goes on can create anxiety. That Anxiety is usually transferred to the unknowing betrayed spouse. In hindsight after d-day it's so obvious.

 

As in most affairs the WS is projecting their ideal version of themselves, while subconsciously aware that the "perfection" they display is not realistic. It's not so difficult to be the KISA intermittently and it takes little effort to be that for a few hours or a stolen day here and there. Texting and sexting is also quite easy and requires no real time to feed an affair.

 

Ironically, most affair partners think that it must be obvious to a betrayed spouse to suspect an affair.

 

A cheater cannot cheat without the trust of their spouse and that is the greatest tool a WS uses.

 

A healthy relationship, any healthy relationship is built on trust. Otherwise, life would be an never ending chaotic and paranoid existence.

 

In today's day and age everyone is glued to the cell phone and social connections, as in facebook, everyone is tweeting what they had for dinner, and the concert they attended.

 

In today's day and age, people are working longer hours and are connected to their job on a 24/7 timeline.

 

If a cheater is careful enough for a time period, they can easily conduct an affair as long as they rely on the trust of their spouse.

 

For most betrayed spouses the gift of hindsight is irrelevant as it had no bearing as to the trust they had.

Edited December 30, 2013 by Furious

[Arieswoman]

You're absolutely spot-on furious when you said,

 

A cheater cannot cheat without the trust of their spouse and that is the greatest tool a WS uses.

 

And that's why it hurts so much.