compulsivedancer Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 H and I are about 11 months past DDay. I will turn 30 this summer (he'll be 29 this spring), and we had always said we'd have kids before we turned 30. Obviously we are not going to make this date (certainly not before I turn 30!) We are finally at the place that we wanted to be at in order to have kids: I have a decent job, we are buying a house, his career is going pretty well, and we are okay financially. H has always been very specific in his requirements to have kids and keeps pushing back the date, to the point where I had started to worry that we'd never get around to having them. (We want three, so the 30 deadline makes a lot of sense, if we want any space between them). I always figured we'd have kids by now, but wasn't in a big hurry. About four years ago I had a miscarriage that kind of changed everything for me, and made me want kids very badly. Unfortunately, H did not change along with me, and anyhow, we didn't really have the finances before. This has been an endless source of frustration for me over the years. Obviously, everything is still very much up in the air because of my A. Clearly, we don't want to have kids until we feel like we are well and truly reconciled, but it sounds like that could easily be another 1-3 years from now! And there is also the chance that H could decide that he is unable to reconcile at any point in that time frame. H knows that staying with me means kids, but who knows when he'll be ready. I am scared that in choosing to stay with H, I am choosing not to have kids (any time soon, if ever). I guess the question is: Is it possible to have kids after an affair? Please, keep advice helpful. I don't need to hear "you should just get a divorce" over and over, or "you brought this on yourself." I understand that, and it's not helpful for this thread.
KathyM Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Don't bring kids into the mix when your relationship is still so shaky and uncertain. It's not fair to the kids. Work on reconciling your marriage first so that your kids will have a stable home to be brought into. 8
Author compulsivedancer Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Don't bring kids into the mix when your relationship is still so shaky and uncertain. It's not fair to the kids. Work on reconciling your marriage first so that your kids will have a stable home to be brought into. I get that. What worries me is that we will NEVER have kids, that they will be put on hold indefinitely. I guess part of what I'm asking is, WHEN can I think about/plan for kids?
yellowmaverick Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Sure, it's possible that you and your H will be healed enough to consider starting a family. True R takes years, unfortunately. Don't complicate the process with the stress of an arbitrary timeline. I know that it is difficult to wait. Focus on healing your M and deeply reconnecting so that your child is part of a loving, safe family. 1
lollipopspot Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I think you should set a time to re-evaluate. I don't know how long you want that to be. Two years? Because as you know your fertility declines with age, and if you're not going to be able to do this together eventually, you may want to move on and find another partner. Generally you should wait at least a couple years with a new partner before procreating. So, maybe decide that if you two aren't reconciled in two years, and ready to have children, you should move on and try to find someone else.
Artie Lang Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 i think you should first put all your effort into healing and rebuilding your marriage- PRIORITIES. give it some time before you make such life-changing decision. 8
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Certainly it is possible to have kids after the affair. But from what you imply, your husband already was dragging his feet BEFORE the affair even happened. Based on my own feelings, I think two years seems to be about the time frame where a betrayed husband would consider being "all in" again IF his wife did everything right after the affair. So two years post D-day is the timeframe I would say. I think it's only fair to say, though, that I would not have stayed married if I didn't already have kids, and that my wife's affair was very mild compared to yours, and my wife was extremely sorry and expressed it the moment I confronted her. So your husband both has more to deal with than I did, and he also is more forgiving than I would have been. 5
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 You obviously already know that the time to have a child is when you and your husband feel that you are both ready for that commitment. Do yourself a favor and take the pressure off of yourself, don't think that you have to have 3. By doing so it puts the pressure for you to have one sooner all the more necessary. Naturally, you need to prepare for parenthood physically, emotionally, financially, ....etc. Build a strong relationship, be sure to communicate with your husband, how you too are going to parent, discipline, religious matters. Plan your parenthood, don't get caught up in the fantasy of parenthood, the reality is much different. 2
Zenstudent Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Wow CD, this is a tough but understandable question. I think the answer will depend a lot on the people involved. Please don't take this the wrong way. I feel very lucky to have two kids today, and even more lucky to have had them before I discovered my wife's infidelity - otherwise I wouldn't have had the opportunity to enjoy these wonderfull human beings and grow with them. Today, I choose to not make any large decisions or investments if they in any way, shape or form, require that we stay together in the future (or just strongly suggests that we do). I simply won't make that kind of shared commitment again in order to protect myself, assets, emotional well being and life dreams - I'll soon be three years past d-day. My wife hates this ramification of her own thoughtlessness, but it's way it is. This is not to say that you can't have kids, it depends just as much on your husband, and from what I've read, he seems to have a different mindset than I do, and you certainly act differently from my wife. So of course it's possible. If I were you, I wouldn't pressure him, and I guess that's why you ask here. Maybe you could pose the question to him in a gentle way, something along with... if he can imagine you two having kids, not now, but anytime in the future to see if it's part of his dreams as well, and then take it from there. I wouldn't be surprised if he'll accept the idea, he bought the house with you, right? And I agree that you need to set a time limit for yourself, maybe with some build-in slack, since biology has a say in the decision as well.
road Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I get that. What worries me is that we will NEVER have kids, that they will be put on hold indefinitely. I guess part of what I'm asking is, WHEN can I think about/plan for kids? This is why I do not understand why the young folks wait to long to have kids. Your recovery can take two to five years. That means you may not be a mom till you are 36. Talk about Downs and other problems.
threelaurels Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Yes, it's possible, but I think your focus needs to be on R now for obvious reasons. You need to make sure you and your H can provide a stable, healthy environment for a child, and that just isn't possible so soon after an A. I think you are probably looking at a 2-4 year time frame before it would be "wise" to have children. If you are concerned about aging affecting the pregnancy, you may want to look into having some of your eggs frozen for now or adopting later on down the road. Are you in MC or IC? If so, have you brought this issue up in therapy yet? 1
harrybrown Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Try to put yourself in your husband's shoes. What would you think about having children after an affair? I am sure you have discussed it with him. What did he say? You could take off some pressure from him by doing this in a soft sell approach. You could also write an agreement with him and pay for the attorney to look at the document. The document could cover things concerning agreements with each other in case of divorce. You could mention custody split of 50/50, no alimony, but who would be paying child support. You could also discuss property settlement in the agreement. This would be to remove some of the unknowns and trying to remove some of the pressure. Crazy idea, but trying to help your H feel like he would not have so many uncertainies. Kids do bring joy and sorrow into the mix. Sometimes their needs can push your relationship into the background. When I found out my daughter-in-law was dating someone at her work on my son, I helped him out of the marriage. The pain that I feel gets compounded by anger over how someone treats your kids. I wish I had never helped her with her education. But I did fill out the divorce paperwork for my son and I am not an attorney. So now he is single and doing better that she is not in his life. She has already gotten a new husband and her first child with the new H. Good luck to her new H. But do share your thoughts with your H. Do not keep any more secrets from him. Let him know what you are thinking. And one of my joys in my life at this time are the grandchildren that I do have.
oldshirt Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 A 28 year old man feels virtually no pressure and no deadline to have kids whatsoever. he may nod his head and agree with what you are saying when you fuss about it, but he feels no innate pressure of his own at all. He can sit back and wait another 20 years until the time is right. It just won't be with you. Now that being said, in my own situation I was much like your husband (although no infidelity to worry about) in that every day I had a new excuse to postpone babies. Needed a better job, wife needed to finish school, wife needed to get a job with better hours, needed more savings built up, needed a blue car instead of a white one etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc One day God decided it was time and wallaw our daughter came along. A couple years later we were in the worst possible situation to have any more kids and wallaw, he comes our son. I'm not a religious man or a bible thumper in the slightest, but I can state from my own personal experience and the personal experience of millions of other people, babies come on God's timeline and not your's. If he wants you to have them and he decides it's ready, they'll come. If he decides against it, they wont.
peruano99 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Do you have a thread about your D day? I want to read it.
anne1707 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Do you have a thread about your D day? I want to read it. Instead of asking people to repeat things already posted about, asking for story summaries and thread locations, etc., you could actually go and find all that information for yourself by either reading threads or searching for threads started by specific posters. Its all very easy to do.
KathyM Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 WHEN can I think about/plan for kids? I would suggest waiting until your marriage is on firmer ground. It's too soon after the affair to make this kind of plunge. Right now, you need to be focusing your time and energy into rebuilding your relationship with your husband. Please continue to be responsible with birth control until your husband is fully committed to staying in the marriage, and you both have worked out (preferably through counseling) whatever issues led to the affair, and whatever else needs to be firmly in place to keep your marriage solid (i.e., better concept of boundaries, communication, etc.) That will take time. For the sake of your future children, and for your marriage, don't rush into parenthood so soon after an affair. Parenting puts added stress on a marriage, and right now, your marriage needs rebuilding, not more stress put on it. 3
peruano99 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Instead of asking people to repeat things already posted about, asking for story summaries and thread locations, etc., you could actually go and find all that information for yourself by either reading threads or searching for threads started by specific posters. Its all very easy to do. I did and her thread and her husband's thread confused me. Her husband said that they consented to have an open relationship,but he backed out, and she had sex with the om before D day. Then he says he got mad for them having sex on D day?
anne1707 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I did and her thread and her husband's thread confused me. Her husband said that they consented to have an open relationship,but he backed out, and she had sex with the om before D day. Then he says he got mad for them having sex on D day? This thread is about the possibility of CD and her husband having children, not dday.
peruano99 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 OP you can have kids with your husband if he wants. Just make sure to talk it over with him first and try to do it when both of you are ready. Happy Anne?
Author compulsivedancer Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 This thread is about the possibility of CD and her husband having children, not dday. Anne, as a fWW, what do you think about this situation?
anne1707 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Anne, as a fWW, what do you think about this situation? I think you have to accept that the plans you had in the past may need to be changed. For example, it may be better to leave having children for a couple of years or so until you are both in a stronger position emotionally in your marriage. This may mean you only aim for 2 children and not 3 as you once hoped. You need to remember that you are doing well to still be together. If you had split then you could have ended up being in a position where you are alone and therefore no children at all. Count your blessings and appreciate what you have together and give yourselves the time you both need. 4
Author compulsivedancer Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Anne, as a fWW, what do you think about this situation? Peruano, here is my first thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404953-bs-wants-declare-war-ap Not sure how much it discusses DDay. I know I've posted on it before, but who knows. H summed it up in his thread, but I do disagree with some of his details. You pretty much have to read his thread alongside my thread about Why won't she do things with BS that she did with OM? because they were going at the same time, so they are almost a conversation, as the same posters posted on both threads. My thread gets pretty confusing, as a few posters got a little caught up/ lost in the details. Anne, it was a few months on LS before I figured out how to find a thread. Also, they can be a pain to read, as many are very very long. This is actually why I put a summary in my signature; I got tired of answering those questions. Peruano, click on a person's name, then go to see their stats. Click to see all. Then it gives you the option to see all threads started by that person. This is way more helpful than just looking at posts they've posted.
Bittersweetie Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 CD, my H and I had a child after my A (no prior kids). He was born just over 2.5 years after d-day. We probably would've preferred to wait a little longer but my age was a big factor. The decision we made to try for a child was one we made TOGETHER, with us both making our feelings and fears known. Our relationship was in a good, strong place when we started trying. I feel that the work that I did on myself has made me a better person and mother, and the work we did on our relationship has made us a better team in parenting. The first year was rough for us because our son was a preemie and had to have a couple of minor surgeries. We were able to face these challenges together, turning toward each other instead of away. We also understand how important OUR relationship is to US so we've tried whenever we can to have us time. So, yes, it is possible. You may need to readjust your expectations, about timing, amount of children, etc. Just try to work through those things together, as a couple, and you should be fine. 2
peruano99 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Peruano, here is my first thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404953-bs-wants-declare-war-ap Not sure how much it discusses DDay. I know I've posted on it before, but who knows. H summed it up in his thread, but I do disagree with some of his details. You pretty much have to read his thread alongside my thread about Why won't she do things with BS that she did with OM? because they were going at the same time, so they are almost a conversation, as the same posters posted on both threads. My thread gets pretty confusing, as a few posters got a little caught up/ lost in the details. Anne, it was a few months on LS before I figured out how to find a thread. Also, they can be a pain to read, as many are very very long. This is actually why I put a summary in my signature; I got tired of answering those questions. Peruano, click on a person's name, then go to see their stats. Click to see all. Then it gives you the option to see all threads started by that person. This is way more helpful than just looking at posts they've posted. Your thread explained it better than your husbands. your husband confused me because in his thread he said you had sex before he found out and he gave you 3 times to do: My wife is pulling away. Now, I don't see it this way at the time, I only sense that things are a little different. I find myself missing her more. However, Compulsive begins to badger me into open relationship discussions. She wants me to consider them. Really think about trying it out, find some candidates. After weeks of this, I finally agree that "Ok, 3 times. We'll try it 3 times, and see."
BetrayedH Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 CD, I agree with Anne and many of the others that you should expect to adjust your expectations. I don't like the term "fully" reconciled but you need to be closer to it before having children. I think that having the discussions after two years (depending on where you are) is probably much more appropriate. As well, I would adjust your expectations on the number of children. If your marriage survives and you have even one child that is raised in a happy nuclear home, that is success. And who knows, you might have three at once. You are certainly far from the "never having children" scenario so I think you should stop pondering that worst-case scenario. You have nearly a decade before that becomes a serious possibility. I would also be very cautious about creating any deadlines for you or your husband. No matter how you phrase it, this means that you are creating an ultimatum for your H to get over it by a certain date or else. This also communicates that your desire for children (even potentially with other men) is a higher priority for you than your relationship with your husband. That message is not going to be well-received. Regardless of how much you love your children, I think it's critically important for the spouse to come first; this shows them what a truly loving marriage is. Once you have them, they will need to see that regardless of their desires to have the parents home, you will still leave them with a sitter to have dates nights and time together. If your marriage is going to take a back seat to children, you are in for a new world of problems. The marriage always comes first. Others may disagree, but that's my. $.02 4
Recommended Posts