My ex asking me for on how to handle his feelings for the OW

[Raena]

So, I've learned my lesson. I cannot be "cool" with my ex. Apparently me being civil to him made him think that I was still his friend and he could talk to me about anything.

 

He came over for Christmas, everything was cool, we got along great. But... while he was here, he had some drama with the OW on twitter. Apparently he dumped her 3 weeks ago and she started seeing someone else so my ex decided to rant and rave at her and her new man on twitter. He then proceeded to tell me all these explanations for why he dumped her and how he was glad to be rid of her. Ok, that's fine. It makes my life easier because I didn't want her around my child.

 

But today, he sends me this series of text messages telling me that he still isn't over her, that the relationship is complicated, that he "sort of" lied to me yesterday, that he doesn't want to lie anymore because he can't let her go and what advice can I give him to help him deal with this.

 

Are you frigging kidding me? I about ripped him a new butthole over text messages. No I am not your counselor, no I am not going to help you fix things with her, no I'm not your friend, no I am not going to change my mind and suddenly be cool with her being around our child. That's the end of the story. The girl has mental health issues, she is unstable and I don't want my child around that. I don't think I am asking too much honestly.

 

I was doing great. I really was. I was feeling happier, life was starting to be good. Now today I feel this crushing weight on me again. I'm obviously not as far along as I thought I was. I'm right back to random tears, feeling sad and miserable and lonely. Some other stuff happened too that I won't get into. Let's just say it's been a really horrible day. Is it over yet, can I go to bed yet?

 

I just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and forget this day ever happened.

 

EDIT: I guess I'm not allowed to use the word advice in my title...

[tiredofitall2]

Has he ever tried to reconcile with you?

 

He put you in the buddy list! You said the right things, he is being very inconsiderate. Perhaps it is time for you to find someone else. Apparently he goes mad once his women hook up with someone else.

[Raena]

Yeah, I have been sort of kind of talking to someone, but the ex doesn't know and I'm not going to tell him. I have a feeling it isn't going to turn into anything anyway, so it wouldn't work out too well. Besides, I don't really want him chasing after me. I made it pretty clear to him that there was no way I'd ever reconcile with him again.

 

And yes, he does go whacky when someone he dumps moves on. It wasn't even true... she played him for a fool.

[tiredofitall2]

It's so sad when people throw away everything to follow butterflies. He lost his family and everything he had for nothing.

[compulsivedancer]

 

EDIT: I guess I'm not allowed to use the word advice in my title...

 

Yeah, can't use "help" either. It's an obscure thing. BetrayedH told me that any time you see a title that doesn't make sense, add "help" back in and it'll usually fix it.

 

Apparently it's in the community guidelines. I guess it's assumed that all posters are asking for help/advice.

[Clay]

Honestly you are probably going to need alot more space from him before you really get a chance to heal from all the horrible things he has done and is still willing to do with you. I would just tell him you don't need his friendship at this point in time in your life. You need time to really heal. Him talking to you about these things is only going to keep the wound fresh. I refused to talk to my xW for six months. I made her write letters. She still said every mean hateful things she could in those letters. I just never responded to anything that did no deal with the kids. She mostly got the hint.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I hope you day goes better.

Clay

[Raena]

Apparently it's all my fault... because I said she can't be around our son. I think that's bullcrap. He told me a pile of other reasons why he told her to go on. She was using drugs, constantly obsessing about me, refused to go to an interview he set up for her, begged him for money for Christmas presents for her kids. She has no job, no money, no home... she's staying with family and still messing around with her children's father... but yet that's what he wants.

 

I don't get it. And why is it that if he's going to be with her that she absolutely HAS to be around my son? Why can't he date her like normal people do and have her not be around when he spends time with his child? Oh that's right... because she has no job, no home and no money so she has to live with him. She's a desperate nutcase, and I'm not even saying that to be mean... she really is a mess.

 

She made such a scene about him talking to his child and/or me that he refused to answer the phone when his son called for the two weeks he had her shacked up at his place. I don't get it. Really? Some whack job chick with issues is more important to please than his 7 year old boy who is completely confused and upset that his father is never around?

 

I just can't deal with this crap anymore. It's making my head hurt and it's ruining my chances at moving on.

[Raena]

This guy is a waste of space, are you sure he even dumped her and not the other way. Why are you taking him back????

 

The reality is that if someone goes into too much detail immediately, then it is lying. Well you know he is a liar.

 

I'm not taking him back, he was only here for Christmas for our child.

[peruano99]

Is OW the other woman?

[Raena]

Is OW the other woman?

 

Yes... although at this point I'm not really sure what to call her. I have a few choice words, but OW makes the best sense. Really he and I are done so she is no longer the OW... now I guess she's his girlfriend turned ex about to turn to girlfriend again if he has his way? I don't know. Yeah... OW makes the best sense since he was cheating on me to be with her before I kicked his lying cheating butt out.

[Clay]

What you are doing is not wrong. What he is doing is completely wrong. You don't deserve any of his garbage. Your smart. Your looking out for your child. I think you need to just tell him to leave you alone for a while. Its hard to go through these things. Take your time and define clear boundaries. This will be your friend for years to come. My xW still likes to mess with my head. I don't even give her the time of day and when she drags our kids into I just site the fact. It pisses her off to no end. Do I enjoy this no. Am I getting some revenge for her cheating on me no. I just wont tolerate her garbage and I will protect my kids at all cost. I have custody.

 

You deserve better.

 

Clay

[aliveagain]

Raena, reply to his texts that you will only discuss your son with him, that you don't care about his relationships, they are of no interest to you so don't waste your time because you just don't give a s**t. Remind him that you are not going to be his buddy that he can call any hour of the night regardless of how drunk or hurt he is, again you just don't give a s**t, his personal life is not important to you anymore.

[Raena]

I actually told him several weeks ago to not talk to me about anything but our son, that I don't want to deal with the drama. Apparently because he talked to me yesterday about her, I opened pandora's box. I won't make that mistake again.

[BetrayedH]

I wish I could say it gets better (with exes, that is). The fact is that they know exactly how to push your buttons.

 

I only have contact with my ex and it's only about coparenting. That helps the detachment. But yesterday my son called me to show me his new iPhone. Needless to say, we hadn't discussed getting my 11 yo a phone. Sometimes you just gotta shrug it off 'cause they're nuts.

[aliveagain]

Send him a link to Dr.Phil and let him know that maybe a good site for him to go to unload on, remind him that since your no longer emotionally invested in his life you won't discuss new men your dating with him and you are not even the slightest bit interested in new women in his life. You will only discuss your son with him, that's it.

[Artie Lang]

this guy is toxic. he sounds like a love-sick child who's overwhelmed by this situation. he really needs to grow the f_ck up.

 

simply put, he's pathetic.

[Raena]

this guy is toxic. he sounds like a love-sick child who's overwhelmed by this situation. he really needs to grow the f_ck up.

 

simply put, he's pathetic.

 

Yes he is. He's 39 years old, you'd think he'd know better how to act by now.

[krazikat]

Apparently it's all my fault... because I said she can't be around our son. I think that's bullcrap. He told me a pile of other reasons why he told her to go on. She was using drugs, constantly obsessing about me, refused to go to an interview he set up for her, begged him for money for Christmas presents for her kids. She has no job, no money, no home... she's staying with family and still messing around with her children's father... but yet that's what he wants.

 

I don't get it. And why is it that if he's going to be with her that she absolutely HAS to be around my son? Why can't he date her like normal people do and have her not be around when he spends time with his child? Oh that's right... because she has no job, no home and no money so she has to live with him. She's a desperate nutcase, and I'm not even saying that to be mean... she really is a mess.

 

She made such a scene about him talking to his child and/or me that he refused to answer the phone when his son called for the two weeks he had her shacked up at his place. I don't get it. Really? Some whack job chick with issues is more important to please than his 7 year old boy who is completely confused and upset that his father is never around?

 

I just can't deal with this crap anymore. It's making my head hurt and it's ruining my chances at moving on.

 

Raena do not let this asshat have this power over you!!!! He has lost his damn mind! Tell him you will continue to be cordial to him as you have been for the sake of your son, but that you have no interest to discuss any matters other then what is necessary for your child. Then, if mucho donkey wipe ass hat man child continues to text you about anything that doesnt only pertain to your son, ignore ignore ignore. It will be hard raena...but get all beyonce on that bitch and bring out your inner sasha fierce...aka raena fierce, the mucho donkey wipe ass hat man child ass kicker...hell, get your own theme song and everything!!! Then when mdwahmc comes around/texts/calls, just tell yourself GAME ON and get your raena fierce game face on...

[Arieswoman]

Raena,

You need to stay strong and set boundaries and stick to them.

 

Make sure your ex knows that only child-related issues will be discussed.

 

Your main task is to keep things stable for your child. If he starts "acting up" show him the door.

 

His problems are not your concern. I also suspect his is "fishing" to find out how you feel about him, so keep him at a distance, he's not helping your recovery.

 

Good Luck.

[Raena]

You know, I've been thinking about this pretty much all night. One conclusion I've come to is that he just can't stand to see me happy. When he was here, I was acting happy... and I was. Not with him, he just happened to be here. He could see that life was moving along just fine for me. I wasn't a blubbering mess like he assumed I'd be.

 

So he just HAD to make DARN sure that he hurt me one more time.

 

It's insanity at it's finest. He doesn't want me, but he doesn't want me to be happy without him either.

[waterwoman]

Ha ha ha ha!!!!Very funny. Has he always had such an off-the-wall sense of humour?

 

Idiot!

 

[Raena]

Yeah... the more I'm away from him, the more I see him for what he really is and it's pathetic. I actually can't believe I wasted 11 years of my life with him. Ugh!

 

I went and researched the "crabs in a bucket" theory. I swear to you, this is exactly what he does. He can't stand to see me happy so he just has to drag me back down just like a pile of crabs do when you put them in a bucket.

 

Well so long sucker! I'm getting a lifeline outta here! lol.

[BetrayedH]

Yeah... the more I'm away from him, the more I see him for what he really is and it's pathetic. I actually can't believe I wasted 11 years of my life with him. Ugh!

 

This is what happens. I spent 18 years with my wife and we had two kids together. It's REALLY hard to stop investing in that relationship. It's hard to see them for who they are. We don't want to assume that they're out to hurt us; we still want to be effective partners with them. It's very difficult to stop hoping that they'll change or trying to make them change or trying to make an environment that is conducive to change. It's especially difficult when you have to coparent. We keep doing the right thing and they keep walking all over us. I hate to quote Oprah but she says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." It took me a long time to stop seeing my wife thru the lens of a loving husband. Hell, I still do it plenty of the time, trying to see the best. Like you, I think I hate the thought of having wasted so many years. But we have to stop throwing good money after bad. We have to stop investing. And we have to stop assuming that they are a good person. I think we have a real tendency to assume that people would think and act like we would. We project our thought-patterns and beliefs onto others, especially our spouses. But would you have done any of the things that he has done? You have to start seeing him for who he is, not who you want him to be.

 

And then you have to protect yourself. This is where the limited contact comes in. He should not be in your home. Figure out a shared custody plan and stick to it. Drop-offs happen in the driveway and you only discuss things like homework updates and illnesses. Almost all of my communication with my ex is via email and it's only about the kids. Trust me, once you detach from him, that's as much communication as you'll be able to stomach. And he'll still know how to push your buttons from time to time.

 

It's really hard and you're very early into the process so cut yourself a little slack. In my opinion, you're an amazingly strong woman to be able to act with such composure considering the hand you were dealt. I have a lot of confidence that you'll make it thru this as an even stronger woman at the end of the day. But you need to use some of these tips and tricks to help you along. Do your best to stop investing in your relationship with him. Do your best to look forward at your new life. In some ways, you'll be confined because you have to be geographically close in order to coparent (if your divorce stipulates such a thing). But other than emails, once a week driveway drop offs, and seeing each other at extracurriculars, your life can be completely separate from such a toxic person. It is maddening for them to not want you but not want to see you with anyone else either. But it's not your job to fix him anymore.

[Clay]

Is it possible he was fishing when he started talking to you about this stuff. Maybe he was trying to see if you still wanted him in your life ?

 

Clay

[Raena]

I don't think so Clay. It didn't come across that way. If he wanted to try and work things out with me he probably wouldn't have spent the entire day on Christmas tweeting nasty things to that girl and her supposed new man. No, he was upset that she had moved on and it made him want her back. Classic move on her part and he got suckered by it. I pretty much expect a response similar to that when he realizes I've moved on as well.