Epiphany after being busted

[Ap22]

I guess I'm really looking for info from any WS on here. I'm having a hard time believing that my wife had this major epiphany after I busted her cheating. She now loves me and realizes she was pretty messed up for a long time. The thought of her family ending is traumatizing to her and she will do whatever it takes to make it right.

 

Its just hard to believe that now she loves me more than anything. Had I not just happened to innocently pick up her phone that night, she would still be carrying on with the loser she had an affair with. On the other hand, I know some people need to be taken to the brink of disaster before they open their eyes.

 

I believe her emotions are real. I've lived with her for 8 years and shes not that good of an actress. I was having a bad day yesterday due to me finally dwelling on what she had done. She did look ashamed and start sobbing uncontrollably before going outside in the dark to cry alone on the porch. When I finally got her back inside, she started sobbing that she was a horrible person, horrible wife, and horrible mother. She truly did seem ashamed and you cant fake the emotions she was having. She even threatened to kill herself, which I have never, ever heard her do. She said she could just drive her car off the freeway because she didnt deserve any of us and she was so ashamed of everything she brought on the family.

 

I think shes sorry for what she did, even if she didnt confess until I busted her. I just have a hard time believing that she is now a changed woman and wants to be the woman/wife/mother she should have always been. I'm just afraid this epiphany she had will only last until she feels things are okay and then problems will start up again.

 

So I guess I just want to here from a WS who did "see the light" after they were busted. Did a change really happen and was it permanent or just temporary. We are having our first MC session this morning so we'll see how that goes.

[Chi townD]

Interesting post and it reminded me of an article I read last year.

 

Uggh...can't believe I'm admitting to this. I was at the Denist last year and I picked up a Cosmo mag (it was either between Cosmo or Good Living...so, don't judge).

 

There was an article about women that cheat. It stated that a lot of women don't feel guilty about cheating UNTIL they're caught. Then, the reality and the gravity of what they've done comes crashing down around them. So, basically, they get snapped back into reality and the fog lifts. So, there might be some validity to that article when it comes to your situation.

 

On a very good note, it sounds like your wife is extremely remorseful and that's more than what most get here! Therefore, you have a extremely good chance to reconcile the marriage if you want to. However, she was in the drivers seat when she cheated. Now, you are in the driver's seat as far as where the marriage goes. If this is a deal breaker for you, then no one here is going to give you hell for not trying. We all have our breaking points and this might be yours. However, WHATEVER you decide, people will be here to support you.

[Realist3]

I think there are so many different scenarios that only time will tell.

 

I didn't change after I got busted, but that is just me. I know there are some that do change.

 

In my years of practicing law I had hundreds of clients that did change when the chickens came home to roost when faced with the possibility of large fines,a criminal record and jail time. They had an epiphany that they almost threw their lives away. I would say 50/50 chance.

[CarrieT]

There was an article about women that cheat. It stated that a lot of women don't feel guilty about cheating UNTIL they're caught. Then, the reality and the gravity of what they've done comes crashing down around them. So, basically, they get snapped back into reality and the fog lifts. So, there might be some validity to that article when it comes to your situation.

That article might be about women, but I don't for a minute believe that the phenomena is limited to women: Men also don't feel guilty about cheating UNTIL they get caught.

 

There is a reason we call it Affair Fog - one is caught up in the moment and feelings like guilt and conscious and responsibility are often thrown out of the window for want of the other person.

[firststeps]

The think the biggest thing to consider is what happens once the guilt and shame wears off. Did she 100% end it with the OM? Its good that you are going through MC, trust has to be rebuilt.

 

Wish you the very best!!

[janedoe67]

Her emotion and her being sorry and her gratitude that you are still there are probably 100% real. Feelings, however, are not the test. The test will be a consistent PATTERN of transparency, honesty, care, and no contact. IF the very real feeling she has right now becomes a LIFESTYLE of change, she will still be doing the right thing a month, six months, a year from now.

 

She may well be a changING woman, but it takes time to prove she has really changed.

[Ap22]

Well the other man was my stepsons father. Now this man is a loser in every sense of the word and is a father in title only. My wife is/was a very selfish person with low self esteem. Her self worth was determined by what others thought of her. I knew all this before the affair.

 

All it took was this loser paying her some compliments. He is such a loser that he told me he would never see his son again if I didnt tell his wife. He abandoned my wife when he got her pregnant 15 years ago, he had an affair with my wife while his was pregnant with his only other child. So, 2 children conceived by this weasel and he still doesnt understand what a father is. I asked my wife how she could possibly be attracted to him. Hes not even good looking.

 

Anyways, she is pretty much on lock down with me and shes fine with that. I even offered to give her back her cell because it is pretty inconvenient for her to not have one. She refused and said she doesnt need one. She told me to go ahead and destroy the OMs life if I wanted. Believe me, I want to so bad and I can do it in so many different ways. This piece of filth would be absolutely destroyed financially and emotionally if I wanted to. Still havent decided on what I will do with him.

 

She does seem very remorseful and I believe she is sorry because you cant fake the emotions shes had. If she is faking, I need to get her ass to Hollywood fast. I guess only time will tell if she really had a life changing experience or if shes just kissing my butt until things get better in her mind. I feel that by 40, you are who you are. I'm just hoping this experience was so traumatic that it knocked her back on track.

 

I tell her everyday, the woman/wife she is being today is worth going through this for. I can R with the woman she is being today. I told her the woman she was isnt worth any of this. I'm just going to follow the path I always have. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

[Chi townD]

That article might be about women, but I don't for a minute believe that the phenomena is limited to women: Men also don't feel guilty about cheating UNTIL they get caught.

 

There is a reason we call it Affair Fog - one is caught up in the moment and feelings like guilt and conscious and responsibility are often thrown out of the window for want of the other person.

 

Yeah, I'm just reiterating what the article said. I didn't write it, and it was in Cosmo (which is a woman's magazine). So, I just relaying what I read.

 

Not disagreeing with you at all. Just trying to put things into context.

[Sub]

You would know better than any of us if it's real, seeing it in her eyes, talking to her, feeling the connection. I do think she may be overselling it a bit to placate you, though. And yes, she could be that good of an actress, even after 8 years. She had an A, so she was acting well enough to carry it on without you knowing. I'm not saying that to scare you. But she was playing a role, and now you have to take the time to find out what's "real" again.

[Sparky9]

This story sounds all too familiar...however , I was the cheater.

 

I felt guilty well before I was caught...I had actually stopped the affair about 6 months before she found out. If she had given me another chance, would I have cheated again???.....NO

 

I would have done anything and tried anything to make it work. We went to counseling...I was 100% committed to her, and would have stayed that way. She just decided that too much damage had been done, and she couldn't look at me without thinking of me with the OW. She decided she'd never be happy with me again, and left.

 

If you can get passed her cheating...by all means, go for it. But do realize, relationships are tons of work. This will be a huge cloud hanging over your head for years to come.

 

Make sure you always make her feel important...that she is number one...if you do, she should never have a reason to stray again.

 

I hope for you, that you can make it through this. I have personally seen what it does to someone...and can't imagine what you are going through.

[whatatangledweb]

I told My WH those same fears after catching him. What he told me was " I didn't realize how valuable you were to me until I saw the pain on your face that I was the cause of. I knew I always loved you but I never thought of how I was risking losing you.You finding out made me look at what I had done for no reason other than being selfish. I am ashamed and embarrassed at what I did. I will do anything to make up for failing you this way".

 

Many do not face what they are doing until they are caught. Then reality hits. When it hits then hard enough, they are very remorseful and the guilt weighs on them.

[waterwoman]

I knew I always loved you but I never thought of how I was risking losing you.

 

That's the bottom line. Complacency. When someone has always been there the assumption is that they always will. Dangerous!

[OpheliaSong]

I guess I don't understand why they don't realize until they are caught. This isn't a taboo subject and if you are in the world at all you know it destroys marriages and hurts the people you love. I guess I find it hard to believe they just have a lightbulb moment because they are caught. Remorse comes from being sorry for the affair, not from being caught. This man she had an affair with sounds like a tool and she knew this and had it anyway so I would question if she is the kind of woman you want to be married to. People don't deserve a chance if they are only sorry for getting caught. her suicide talk and I am such a bad mother sounds over the top and like she knows that is the quickest route to getting you back. She is playing you and if she had an affair without you knowing it, she is a good liar.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The fact that her emotions are about how she failed herself, actually bodes well for you. As long as, this is how she truly feels.

 

In my opinion, when one views the affair as a reflection of themselves first, that they failed themselves, and others were collateral damage due to their personal failings, they are more likely to accept responsibility and understand that they need to address personal issues as well as any issues that might be in the relationship with their BS.

 

It is going to take a lot of work to move from just how she feels...to actual change. It is being pro-active. It is self advocating. It is also very empowering. One usually comes out much strong and sure of who they are. A win for everyone.

 

Once we climb up from such a fall, we learn to never turn our backs on our life again. It is seared on our very souls.

[BetrayedH]

Your wife could absolutely be faking those emotions. I can't count how many times my wife bawled her little eyes out over 8 months, telling me that I knew everything that there was to know and that she would never lie to me again. Yeah, she was lying every time.

 

I don't mean to discourage you at all; your wife sounds far more remorseful than many others (which really is the key). But you can't trust a freakin' word out of her mouth. It isn't words and emotions that will solve this. It's going to take "consistent actions over time." That is what will rebuild trust. There is no fast path; fast is slow and slow is fast.

[Grumpybutfun]

Ap22:

What were the consequences you two discussed and agreed on concerning infidelity when you decided to get married?

G

[ClemsonTigers]

He is such a loser that he told me he would never see his son again if I didnt tell his wife.

 

….

 

She told me to go ahead and destroy the OMs life if I wanted.

 

 

Expose him. If you don't you are basically sending him the message that you don't care much about your wife and you are willing to protect his secrets. I presume you meant to say he threatened to never see his son again if you TOLD his wife (versus what you said above…"if I didn't tell his wife"). That's an manipulative threat. He'll see his son or not based upon his own choices, not yours. In fact, your step-son may be better off without bio-sperm donor dad around as it is. If he follows through, even for just a little while not seeing his son it will only help your case eventually if and when you decide to relocate your family out of state and FAR FAR AWAY from OM.

 

Also…chances are his wife will forgive him and his marriage will survive but you'll have another pair of eyes (his wife's) on the other side of the affair equation keeping an eye on OM. OM's wife is entitled to the truth about her life and by keeping OM's secret you kind of become his co-conspirator. Don't hesitate any longer. Ring her up and let his wife know ASAP. Your wife already said she was fine with it so don't ask her again (there may be a little disgusting part left over inside of her that MAY want to protect the OM which you are better off not disturbing).

 

Finally, standing up for yourself and overcoming this fear does two more things for you.

 

1. You'll feel stronger and courageous standing up to him

2. Your wife will come to feel more cherished because you demonstrated the balls to stand up for her against him.

 

OM's are like Blattodea, when you turn on the lights (exposure) they scurry away.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Anyways, she is pretty much on lock down with me and shes fine with that. I even offered to give her back her cell because it is pretty inconvenient for her to not have one. She refused and said she doesnt need one. She told me to go ahead and destroy the OMs life if I wanted. Believe me, I want to so bad and I can do it in so many different ways. This piece of filth would be absolutely destroyed financially and emotionally if I wanted to. Still havent decided on what I will do with him.

 

It's nice of her to tell you to throw this guy under the bus. Hell, anyone can do that but in a affair, it take two to make it an affair and she was part of it. No doubt given the chance he would be just as happy to throw her under the bus too.

 

I just happen to be in the camp that once an affair happens then it's over and done with and the reason is because it happened to me so I know about the hurt. If you feel she's honest then you can continue the marriage but you have to remember this.

 

She didn't come to you and confess that she made a mistake and had an affair, you caught her. Big difference. What's to say that if you didn't pick that phone up by chance she would still be seeing this bum and sleeping with him.

 

It's up to you if you still want her and believe her. Your the one married to her so you know her best and you have to be the one living with your decision.

[michelangelo]

She truly did seem ashamed and you cant fake the emotions she was having.

 

Wrong!

 

A cheater can fake a life. Tears may or may not indicate remorse.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to believe that those tears mean she gets how wrong what she did is and won't do it again.

 

That is proved by behavior that you can validate.

 

She could be a great actress.

[ChooseTruth]

My exwife also cried her eyes out, threatened suicide, yelled "kill mee, kill meeee", told me she was horrified at what she saw in herself, had panic attacks...blah blah blah blah...

 

Her *actions* told a completely different story. She wouldn't even quit a martial arts class that the OM went to. She was still texting him behind my back the whole time. For fourth months she straight lied to me and our counselor that it had only been 1 night when it had actually been a planned 4 month affair. She had to be hounded to wear her wedding ring, lacked affection, on and on. She was really concerned about how she would get money after divorcing, how she would appear to others, grieving the split of her family, etc. Reconciliation and my feelings meant very little to her, well unless I died then she'd feel bad I guess.

 

Your WW's emotions are probably real, but you need to look at her actions. JaneDoe already nailed it: transparency, no contact, remorse, love, counseling, finding what was wrong inside herself that made her do this, fixing boundaries, etc... Those are the things you look for.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Make sure you always make her feel important...that she is number one...if you do, she should never have a reason to stray again.

 

I can't disagree more for many reasons.

 

1 - SHE should be making HIM fell important, number one He's already been discarded; not the other way around.

 

2 - If it is his responsibility to keep her propped up on a pedestal, then he is destined to fail. One person cannot be held responsible for the spouse's self-worth/happiness.

 

3 - This statement implies that she cheated because he didn't dote on her 24/7. She needs to own up on why SHE cheated. That was her choice. Her affair has more to do with her low self-esteem than with the OP.

[janedoe67]

She could be playing you, she could be for real. And you not being sure which is totally understandable. You may not know yet, even as her husband.

 

I can tell you one thing though: a bunch of Strangers don't know what is in your wife's head....we might (might) know what is/was in our own spouse's head, but not YOUR spouse.

[RightThere]

My exwife also cried her eyes out, threatened suicide, yelled "kill mee, kill meeee", told me she was horrified at what she saw in herself, had panic attacks...blah blah blah blah...

 

Her *actions* told a completely different story. She wouldn't even quit a martial arts class that the OM went to. She was still texting him behind my back the whole time. For fourth months she straight lied to me and our counselor that it had only been 1 night when it had actually been a planned 4 month affair. She had to be hounded to wear her wedding ring, lacked affection, on and on. She was really concerned about how she would get money after divorcing, how she would appear to others, grieving the split of her family, etc. Reconciliation and my feelings meant very little to her, well unless I died then she'd feel bad I guess.

 

Your WW's emotions are probably real, but you need to look at her actions. JaneDoe already nailed it: transparency, no contact, remorse, love, counseling, finding what was wrong inside herself that made her do this, fixing boundaries, etc... Those are the things you look for.

 

Exactly the same as me. D-Day I got lots of crying and "I'm so sorry" but all the actions after the fact were the opposite of the drama from D-Day.

 

People in affairs become amazing liars and actors.

[BetrayedH]

I can't disagree more for many reasons.

 

1 - SHE should be making HIM fell important, number one He's already been discarded; not the other way around.

 

2 - If it is his responsibility to keep her propped up on a pedestal, then he is destined to fail. One person cannot be held responsible for the spouse's self-worth/happiness.

 

3 - This statement implies that she cheated because he didn't dote on her 24/7. She needs to own up on why SHE cheated. That was her choice. Her affair has more to do with her low self-esteem than with the OP.

 

Straight up. The reason she strayed was that she CHOSE to stray (internal), not external.

[janedoe67]

Like I said OP, we are all familiar with OUR spouses. You, after her actions over time, will know about yours.