He's a "nice guy"

[longjourney]

I thought I had a good marriage and that my husband loved me. Now I am questioning if he ever did love me and how you would know if somebody didn't love you. I have friends telling me he likely thought we had a loveless marriage and it was an exit affair. After he left me he said he didn't love me and he hadn't loved me in years. He also talked about how terrible my personality was and what a bad wife I was. I feel like I was so dumb not to notice him feeling that way about me. Friends are telling me that I am not accepting that he truly did feel that way and I am just blaming it on this ow...who he says is just a friend/roommate. I don't buy it. How do you know somebody doesn't love you?

 

I have been talking to my sister A LOT. She says in my M history she had a few moments where she questioned in her mind the relationship between my WH and myself. She did have that "hair on the back of your neck" feeling. I have been emailing a close girlfriend of my sisters. Her H also had a LTA (sick how this A stuff is EVERYWHERE) and she emailed me this. "

I don't think he hates you. He just doesn't love you. My husband gave up the affair and stayed, but that doesn't tell me he ever loved me. He just didn't want a big change in his life.

My husband, too, is a very nice man. I realize that what I took for his love was just his niceness. He doesn't treat anybody poorly. I was wrong to equate that with loving me. I knew that he was SO nice that he would stay, he would say all the right things, but I would know that he was just "being a nice guy". Don't fool yourself, look into yourself. You know what your gut is telling you is right. Trust me, years from DDay your gut will STILL be screaming, but you will be better at silencing and ignoring it.

 

So I have an IC session this afternoon, she will get an earful. It is hard this week of Thanksgiving, when family is everything. Yes we are spending it at my in-laws, whom I love as well because I do not want to spend the day with the tension at my sisters. She has a hard time around my WH. Do you blame her.

 

Months of this, and I am getting less and less clarity.

[PegNosePete]

It's not who he is underneath. It's what he does that defines him.

Yeah I stole that line from Batman. But it's true.

How does he treat you? Pretty damn badly by the sounds of it. He tells you all these nasty things and has an affair. What are you doing about this? Have you kicked him out? Filed for divorce?

[carhill]

He also talked about how terrible my personality was and what a bad wife I was.

 

That doesn't sound too nice. Sometimes it's in the delivery.

 

I recall, having worn the 'nice guy' (other's opinions) moniker, prior to my EA, telling my exW I felt like she abandoned me during a time I really needed the support of a spouse. Now, she might have interpreted that as 'being a bad wife'. However, I told her how I felt due to an action I perceived. See how that works? There's 'he said', then there's 'she said', then there's 'reality'. We got to reality in MC.

 

IMO, if you and your H want to grow the M to a healthy place, that's where you need to be. IC will help you if you want to feel better about yourself, generally to either cope with staying or to divorce. Wish I had better news.

[tiredofitall2]

Search the term "Affair Fog" he might be in it as what he is saying sounds like fog babble. That being said, I would bet he loves you, but is in love with someone else and not you. That is what A are bout. Felling the chemical effects of being in love. But guess what? It always wares off, but often too late.

 

Do some research and for your own sanity determine what is the situation in your own relationship.

 

Often family and friends are very quick to give opinions without having a clue about how and why affairs happen.

It is a terrible thing and sorry that it is happening to you!

[Snowflower]

I thought I had a good marriage and that my husband loved me. Now I am questioning if he ever did love me and how you would know if somebody didn't love you. I have friends telling me he likely thought we had a loveless marriage and it was an exit affair. After he left me he said he didn't love me and he hadn't loved me in years. He also talked about how terrible my personality was and what a bad wife I was. I feel like I was so dumb not to notice him feeling that way about me. Friends are telling me that I am not accepting that he truly did feel that way and I am just blaming it on this ow...who he says is just a friend/roommate. I don't buy it. How do you know somebody doesn't love you?

 

 

 

IMO, those are very not very nice friends to be telling you that. (bolded parts)

 

How they heck do your friends know if he loved your or not or if it was an exit affair for him?

 

This type of thing makes me mad. By your own admission, you thought your H loved you and that you had a pretty good marriage. I think YOU would be the one to know that, since it was YOUR marriage too, right?

 

Notice I'm emphasizing YOU because it is first hand for you, not your friends.

 

As for the hurtful things he has said, take them with a grain of salt. Please do not let his words hurt you (which I know is really hard). The reason I say to blow off some of his hurtful words is because what he said is verbatim for what most cheating spouses say:

 

1. Our marriage has been over for years.

2. I love you but I'm not in love with you.

3. You did this ABC, didn't do XYZ (blaming you for their choice to have an affair).

 

Etc, etc.

 

Of course it is normal and good to wonder if our spouses truly loved us. But don't listen to your friends. They're being mean, IMO. Discuss this with your therapist.

 

My guess? Yes, your husband loved/loves you. If he didn't want to be married, he wouldn't be. Divorce is truly not that difficult to arrange.

[Confused48]

IMO, those are very not very nice friends to be telling you that. (bolded parts)

 

How they heck do your friends know if he loved your or not or if it was an exit affair for him?

 

This type of thing makes me mad. By your own admission, you thought your H loved you and that you had a pretty good marriage. I think YOU would be the one to know that, since it was YOUR marriage too, right?

 

Notice I'm emphasizing YOU because it is first hand for you, not your friends.

 

As for the hurtful things he has said, take them with a grain of salt. Please do not let his words hurt you (which I know is really hard). The reason I say to blow off some of his hurtful words is because what he said is verbatim for what most cheating spouses say:

 

1. Our marriage has been over for years.

2. I love you but I'm not in love with you.

3. You did this ABC, didn't do XYZ (blaming you for their choice to have an affair).

 

Etc, etc.

 

Of course it is normal and good to wonder if our spouses truly loved us. But don't listen to your friends. They're being mean, IMO. Discuss this with your therapist.

 

My guess? Yes, your husband loved/loves you. If he didn't want to be married, he wouldn't be. Divorce is truly not that difficult to arrange.

 

 

I agree with this entire post. However, I want to only comment on one thing. Divorce is not that difficult to arrange. Maybe you WH is planning to do that, now. Even so, he should have done that before he took up with an OW.

 

He is a terribly flawed person for having taken up with an OW as a way to deal with whatever flaws he saw in the marriage. You both may have contributed to marriage problems before the A. The A is all on him. I think you are going far to easy on him by letting him spout reasons for an A like its your fault.

 

He should accept that he is a morally bankrupt person his actions are selfish to the extreme and reprehensible. Without major remorse on his and a lot of soul searching on his part you should not even want him back. Be civil of course but know that he is beneath you.

[RightThere]

what most cheating spouses say:

 

1. Our marriage has been over for years.

2. I love you but I'm not in love with you.

3. You did this ABC, didn't do XYZ (blaming you for their choice to have an affair).

 

 

Just wanted to echo that this is exactly what just about every cheating spouse will say.

 

As for the "never lover you" type nonsense, don't buy it for a minute. Waywards tend to re-write history and convince themselves there never was any love.

 

It's a load of crap.

 

They did love you at some point. But they also fell out of love. There are many different types of love, and when a wayward spouse gets stuck in the excitement and butterflies of a new relationship, it clouds their mind and they think this new passion is love. It's not, but trying to convince them otherwise is fruitless.

[ChooseTruth]

I really like the idea of focusing on love as a verb, not a noun.

 

If he loves you, how is he doing that? Does he love you enough to give you true peace of mind? Is he trying to find a way to do that?

[harrybrown]

Sorry that you are going thru this crazy experience.

 

He is not helping you thru this mess. At one time, he did love you.

 

But to help yourself now, you need to do the 180. Get him out of your life and wash that man right out of your hair. And she is not just his roommate.

 

I was not born yesterday. Do not contact him, and be cold to him. No emotion. And do something fun with your family at thanksgiving.

 

I hope you have better days.

[Mcle]

Don't listen to anything a cheating spouse tells you. It's almost always blame shifting to make them feel better about treating you terribly.

 

Right now it does not matter if he ever loved you or what all your friends think. Just look at his actions right now, that is all you need to focus on. Hugs.

[rumbleseat]

Ah, the ever popular line of "I love you but I am not in love with you". That line has been used by ws for an awfully long time.

 

I often wonder what would happen if someone could go back in time to a few days before they met the ow or om. Would they say, if asked, that they did't love their spouse (in love? ) .

 

If he wants to chase the butterflies, maybe you are better off without him. Hard as it may be, it's best to let him go and sort out for himself what he wants. I wouldn't wait for him though, I would spend my time making my life as good as it can be, and if one day, he wakes up and realizes everything he's lost, there is zero guarantee that you'll be waiting.

 

Tell him that, but not as a threat, tell it to him as a fact.

[longjourney]

Sorry that you are going thru this crazy experience.

 

But to help yourself now, you need to do the 180. Get him out of your life and wash that man right out of your hair. And she is not just his roommate.

 

 

I just wanted to clarify. I cut and pasted the email from my sister's friend, and I posted it here incorrectly. My WH has never said the OW is just his roommate, that was from the email I received. My WH has told me his feelings for the OW run/ran deep. His words are what made me see how conflicted my WH is.

 

Do I believe my WH has feelings of "love" toward me? Of course I do, but I also know that my WH and OW had established a true relationship even BEFORE we were married, that is where my internal struggle lies. I wake up gasping for air sometimes with always that same thought bringing me out of my sleep. I have tried to dissect this thoroughly.

 

You have all said that friends should not say what they are saying, but truth be known, if a friend came to me and told me that it was their WH doing this to her, I would come up with the same conclusion. If I were to think of anyone else besides myself in this situation, my gut would be telling me to leave and that even though my WH's actions were selfish and hurtful it doesn't change the fact that he loved/loves the OW.

 

Yes my WH IS saying all the right things, he is saying he wants to work on our M and save our family. The problem is that I feel as if I am betraying MYSELF and my gut feelings by even thinking of attempting to go on this journey with my WH. Our son is SO young (I have posted in the past about "our kids", one is ours and one is indeed my step child, but we have had custody of her since she was very young and I love her as if she were my own). So our DD has been through so much that she would be strong enough to handle this as well. I know they would bounce back easier now rather then later and I'm starting to wonder if I would as well.

 

My IC meeting yesterday wound up with me being one blubbering mess. I do like going though because it allows me to strip the layers of me trying to keep it together all the time. I can let it all out. The truth is my hurt, the hurt my WHs A unleashed in me is so deep that it feels like I can't breathe. But it is with this hurt that I second guess his love for me, because I KNOW I would never have done this to him.

[tiredofitall2]

I just wanted to clarify. I cut and pasted the email from my sister's friend, and I posted it here incorrectly. My WH has never said the OW is just his roommate, that was from the email I received. My WH has told me his feelings for the OW run/ran deep. His words are what made me see how conflicted my WH is.

 

Do I believe my WH has feelings of "love" toward me? Of course I do, but I also know that my WH and OW had established a true relationship even BEFORE we were married, that is where my internal struggle lies. I wake up gasping for air sometimes with always that same thought bringing me out of my sleep. I have tried to dissect this thoroughly.

 

You have all said that friends should not say what they are saying, but truth be known, if a friend came to me and told me that it was their WH doing this to her, I would come up with the same conclusion. If I were to think of anyone else besides myself in this situation, my gut would be telling me to leave and that even though my WH's actions were selfish and hurtful it doesn't change the fact that he loved/loves the OW.

 

Yes my WH IS saying all the right things, he is saying he wants to work on our M and save our family. The problem is that I feel as if I am betraying MYSELF and my gut feelings by even thinking of attempting to go on this journey with my WH. Our son is SO young (I have posted in the past about "our kids", one is ours and one is indeed my step child, but we have had custody of her since she was very young and I love her as if she were my own). So our DD has been through so much that she would be strong enough to handle this as well. I know they would bounce back easier now rather then later and I'm starting to wonder if I would as well.

 

My IC meeting yesterday wound up with me being one blubbering mess. I do like going though because it allows me to strip the layers of me trying to keep it together all the time. I can let it all out. The truth is my hurt, the hurt my WHs A unleashed in me is so deep that it feels like I can't breathe. But it is with this hurt that I second guess his love for me, because I KNOW I would never have done this to him.

 

The problem with friends/family is that their opinions although well intended are uneducated. They might know about your situation, but know nothing about the dynamics of affairs, why they occur and the symptoms.

 

Affairs are not about love! Your WH does not love this OW. He loves a fantasy and how this OW makes him feel about himself. He loves the chemicals the affair produces in his brain. It is an escape from the reality he might not be completely happy about. Would you leave him if it were not an affair and perhaps he started drinking or using rugs or would you attempt to at least get him help through rehab first?

 

If he is saying the right things and wants to reconcile for the sake of your children and family work things out. Your friends are not the ones that will have to bring up your kids alone it will be you. And will you trust another man in your life to bring up your children later on? Even though children may be resilient they are affected in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine.

 

 

Divorce is devastating to them.

[longjourney]

The problem with friends/family is that their opinions although well intended are uneducated. They might know about your situation, but know nothing about the dynamics of affairs, why they occur and the symptoms.

 

Affairs are not about love! Your WH does not love this OW. He loves a fantasy and how this OW makes him feel about himself. He loves the chemicals the affair produces in his brain. It is an escape from the reality he might not be completely happy about. Would you leave him if it were not an affair and perhaps he started drinking or using rugs or would you attempt to at least get him help through rehab first?

 

If he is saying the right things and wants to reconcile for the sake of your children and family work things out. Your friends are not the ones that will have to bring up your kids alone it will be you. And will you trust another man in your life to bring up your children later on? Even though children may be resilient they are affected in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine.

 

 

Divorce is devastating to them.

 

This is my problem, maybe it is unique. My WH had a relationship with the OW BEFORE we were M'd, before I even entered the picture. This A, at the beginning was an EA, was based on a true existing relationship from before we were M'd. Yes I am considering trying to make it work with my WH because he is saying he wants to "try". But lets turn the tables. If I were to say I WASN'T willing to try and I wanted him gone, I know exactly what would happen. He would stick for a while, probably even 6 months, he would try to convince me to change my mind (for the sake of our family which translates into "for our children") and if that didn't work, then he would be where his heart has always wanted to be, WITH THE OW.

 

I have an issue with this as well, due to my FOO issues. My mother stayed with my father after he had an A. She stuck with him for us, FOR THE KIDS. She did love my father, and they are still together now, but she made the choice for THE KIDS. She didn't want to devastate us. Well maybe her staying taught me the wrong thing, maybe her submissiveness was seen by me and that is who I have become. Maybe it showed me how to turn a blind eye to issues in my M, as she did hers, and I just kept ignoring the signs, trying to hold it all together, even when my gut was SCREAMING during my WH's A that something was wrong. I tried to keep a band aid on our M and keep us together. Well you can't wish an A away. My Mom did not do me any service in staying with my father. I have bad coping skills due to how I was raised. The BW is not immune to FOO issues. This I am all examining about myself as well, while I am not tearing apart my WHs reasoning. Yes there was less sex, which he tried to pin it on continuously for a LONG time, he wanted to rug sweep and minimize SO badly after DDay, he then had to realize in order for me to even heal a little bit, he would have to be honest and admit his feelings for OW, he had to admit the feelings I KNEW were there ALL along.

[tiredofitall2]

This is my problem, maybe it is unique. My WH had a relationship with the OW BEFORE we were M'd, before I even entered the picture. This A, at the beginning was an EA, was based on a true existing relationship from before we were M'd. Yes I am considering trying to make it work with my WH because he is saying he wants to "try". But lets turn the tables. If I were to say I WASN'T willing to try and I wanted him gone, I know exactly what would happen. He would stick for a while, probably even 6 months, he would try to convince me to change my mind (for the sake of our family which translates into "for our children") and if that didn't work, then he would be where his heart has always wanted to be, WITH THE OW.

 

I have an issue with this as well, due to my FOO issues. My mother stayed with my father after he had an A. She stuck with him for us, FOR THE KIDS. She did love my father, and they are still together now, but she made the choice for THE KIDS. She didn't want to devastate us. Well maybe her staying taught me the wrong thing, maybe her submissiveness was seen by me and that is who I have become. Maybe it showed me how to turn a blind eye to issues in my M, as she did hers, and I just kept ignoring the signs, trying to hold it all together, even when my gut was SCREAMING during my WH's A that something was wrong. I tried to keep a band aid on our M and keep us together. Well you can't wish an A away. My Mom did not do me any service in staying with my father. I have bad coping skills due to how I was raised. The BW is not immune to FOO issues. This I am all examining about myself as well, while I am not tearing apart my WHs reasoning. Yes there was less sex, which he tried to pin it on continuously for a LONG time, he wanted to rug sweep and minimize SO badly after DDay, he then had to realize in order for me to even heal a little bit, he would have to be honest and admit his feelings for OW, he had to admit the feelings I KNEW were there ALL along.

 

No your situation is not so different. The reasoning is the same. What would life be with this OW. Maybe she was my soul mate! When he ends up with her, soon enough every day life creeps in and the thrill ends. No matter who it is. Soon enough he will be missing his kids, wife and his family life. But guess what? You are probably right. Why would he not go to his ex GF if you leave him?

 

Most people would since it's what they know and who they feel the safest with, but that will not change the outcome. He will realize it was all a mistake and chances that they will live happily ever after are slim to none.

 

You parents R is not your R and times are different now. If you think you would have been better off if they had D I would bet anything that you are wrong. I come from a broken family and it was hell. Hence me being here now and my dysfunctional marriage. But I consider myself lucky in a sence that I have had the maturity to realize my stupidity and learn to never do the things I did again...