want to love her - don't know whether i do or don't - how do i tell

[life is hard]

Hi All,

Ok, i'll try to make this as quick as possible, but i'll try to include as many details as possible. I fyou need to know anything just ask !!

 

So, I've been with my g/f for almost 18 months now. 6 Months ago, i made the error of cheating on her. Not full sex, oral sex, which was leading further when i ended it and realised i was being stupid. Soon as it was over and i was home, i felt shame and guilt right throughout my body.

 

I decided the best thing to do would be to carry on without telling my girlfriend what had happened, but within 2 days, i was so low, i just decided to tell her. I just felt that i couldn't go forever without telling her, and she deserved to know so she could just dump me and the torture would be over. I realise now that i was just trying to remove my guilt.

 

I told her, and within 1 day she forgave me. It came as a huge suprise to me. She forgave me because when I met her, i had no experiance of sex in my past and i was 20 years old at the time. She said she believed that I was just experimenting with other girls as she had helped my confidence and the fact that i was so sad and depressed showed that i was sorry. Don't get me wrong she was hurt, but she wanted to carry on.

 

I was in love before my cheating and when she told me she would forgive me i was over the moon because i really loved her so much.

 

Anyway, i had a lot of trouble forgiving myself, and the first couple of months were torrid. I spent a lot of time crying and trying to make up for my massive mistake. I worked hard to make it, but there was always this feeling of guilt inside.

 

Then one day, i woke up and the first thought that entered my head was "If you really loved her, you wouldn't have cheated on her - so you can't love her"

 

The thought stuck with me all day - and then all the next day and so on and i became even more depressed. I couldn't do anything for this sick feeling in my stomach that i may not love her.

 

I have had councelling over the last few months and have been feeling much more self confident and the relationship has been going really well for the last 8-10 weeks or so. We've been on holiday together and things have been good untill this week.

 

My dad has been in hospital for a double heart bypass, my grandmother has suffered a stroke and my brother has split up from his long term girlfriend. My mum has been very stressed and down becasue of it and my girlfriend has been having problems at home.

 

All this got on top of me and once again - i felt down and began to worry whether or not i was in love. I want to be able to say to myself that i enjoy spending all my time with her so why does it matter if i love her or not. In my heart i think i love her, but my mind keeps nagging me saying i might not be. I don't want to lose her to find she's the best person i'll ever meet and i'm starting to feel quite low again.

 

The guilt of the cheating has gone - i still think about it now and then, but i've put it down as a mistake and moved on.

 

Has anybody got any advice ! If you would like to know anything - please ask me.

[YellowLioness]

Wow, sounds like you got alot going on.

I hope you feel bad for cheating on your GF whatever your reasons.

 

Maybe its not that you don't love her, but that you are dealing with so much that you can't give her what she needs.

 

Then again, you two could really grow closer if you leaned on her during this hard time.

 

It could be that you love her, but need space.

 

Also, guilt does not equal love.

 

Good luck!

[Life Is Hard]

What do you mean guilt doesn't equal love ?

[YellowLioness]

I bet you feel guilty for cheating on her, don't you?

 

Are you with her to MAKE UP for the fact that you cheated? Are you with her because you feel guilty about what you did?

 

THat's what I mean. Just because you feel bad for some one doesn't mean that you love them.

 

Hope this helps! :-)