Question about serial cheaters

[hippetyhop]

Is there a point where the serial cheating begins?

 

For instance--does it start during dating and if they get married, then it continues during marriage?

 

Can the M be strong, fade then he starts cheating then he becomes a serial cheating?

[LimeBlue]

What about MM who use prostitutes? Sorry for chucking this in here, but I had a bizarre conversation with someone today.

[hippetyhop]

What about MM who use prostitutes? Sorry for chucking this in here, but I had a bizarre conversation with someone today.

 

No apologies needed; its not a TJ as that is part of serial cheating.

 

Does a light of frustration on the part of the cheater just flick on one day and they decide to hunt?

 

When does it start? What is the trigger for them?

[carhill]

I only have a few anecdotes to offer but perhaps they might point to an area worthy of investigation, that being socialization and FOO. In the cases of MW's I've known who were admitted serial cheaters, they self-disclosed incidents of child abuse and molestation as children and teenagers. Also, including or absent that, one can look to role-modeling, by both mothers and fathers. Was mom a serial cheater? Dad? How did their philandering affect the household?

 

IMO, the roots of many adult behaviors can be found in childhood. The behaviors themselves evolve with maturity and time, but the seed inside the snowball rolling down the hill can be traced to the beginnings, whether that be nature or nurture or both.

[velvette]

Is there a point where the serial cheating begins?

 

For instance--does it start during dating and if they get married, then it continues during marriage?

 

Can the M be strong, fade then he starts cheating then he becomes a serial cheating?

 

Most male serial cheaters were sexually abused as children.......something like 80%. They use sex compulsively...aka sex addiction by some...to self medicate their pain/rage/anxiety from whatever the trauma was.

 

This occurs because many times the abuser esp in an ongoing situation makes sure that the child is sexually aroused or stimulated....or esp with males this happens automatically. So while they may be afraid, confused, terrified, etc by the abuse they simultaneously feel some relief/pleasure from the sex itself.

 

They can be in a M that is good, but they themselves are always a weak link in the M that puts it at risk. Most have other significant issues aside from the cheating that puts the M at higher risk. Trauma like this shatters the normal development process so they come to a M without the coping skills necessary to make the R work.

[Betterthanthis13]

Is there a point where the serial cheating begins?

 

For instance--does it start during dating and if they get married, then it continues during marriage?

 

Can the M be strong, fade then he starts cheating then he becomes a serial cheating?

 

I think technically, serial cheating means cheating repeatedly, as in with more than one person or, on more than one person. But there are a lot of different "types" for lack of a better word. The "type" I have experience with was a "sex addict". Sorry for so many quotes. I should stop doing that. I put things in quotes because I am still up in the air about what I think about the definition but it is probably annoying to read that way.

 

To answer your specific questions- serial cheating has to start sometime, with cheating the first time. I guess for some it can start when they are dating and some it can start long into the marriage. I've heard of both. I don't think every serial cheater is a full blown sex addict and I think sometimes those two terms get intertwined. Are you just looking for discussion or do you have a specific situation in mind?

[JamesM]

If cheating starts during dating, then don't move to marriage. Period. Dating is not even the toughest times of a relationship/marriage.

 

Yes, it has a beginning. Yes, it usually happens in an otherwise happy marriage. But yes, it can certainly get its start because of an unhappy marriage. And while the unhappy marriage may help explain why it started, it doesn't explain why it continues over and over.

 

IMO serial cheating doesn't always have its roots in childhood abuse. It can simply be the desire to fulfill whatever motive the person has for cheating (ie thrill, lust, closeness).

 

Do all cheaters become serial cheaters? I guess it would depend on their motive for cheating.

 

What is the trigger? Again, depends on the person. It could be that anger fuels it and it is sort of a revenge. It could be that the lust builds up inside and cannot be quenched until it is fulfilled. Take a guy who visits prostitutes or escorts. He may suddenly feel the urge and nothing gets rid of the urge until he sees his next prostitute. And then he may no longer feel the "need." For some guys, this is a weekly occurrence. For others, it is a monthly or less frequent occurrence.

 

For those who like ONS, then the thrill of the hunt may be the fuel that is supplied by the fantasy trigger. And then he looks for that one girl who will fall for his lines and hence it will massage his ego.

 

For some, all of the above applies when all he is looking for is the variety of different women for sex.

 

And yet, there is the minority who probably are serial cheaters because inside there is an emotional void that no one person can fill. No matter how much a woman tries to fix her man or be there for him, he always is disappointed by her. And then he looks for that perfect person who will fill his void and never finds her.

 

Some of the above can apply to women.

[janedoe67]

As much as I hate it, I qualify for this category. I had a PA several years ago as well as two EA's, one of which probably would have become PA with more time. There was a passage of time (years) between each one, and each time it boiled down to me becoming self-cenetered and resentful and becoming entitled and hard hearted about my "right" to have intimacy. I was craving touch and physical connection, and my chosen horrible coping mechanism when all of my martial efforts failed was to fo elsewhere. I was completely wrong. The thing is, that starvation had been there for well over a decade before the first A....but once that terrible bridge had been crossed once, it was easier the next time...and the next time. My method of dealing with it the first two times was basically "stop and follow a checklist."

 

The last time I knew it was going to take more than a behavioursit's bandaid. Something was going on IN ME. It was a vicious cycle that "giving up all passwords and writing a letter" was not going to break. I am in IC, I am still doing all those really good practical cheklist things, and I am developing ways of coping with those vulnerabilities in ways that have integrity and honesty instead of slithering around to get what I want, so to speak.

 

I believe I am different, or becoming different. I do NOT expect my husband to be in the place to feel safe with that yet. The more damage one does, the longer it takes to repair.

 

But I thin James is spot on. I think some people have an emptiness that they look to fill outside themselves, and as long as they do not address that the infidelity WILL continue.

[ladydesigner]

Is there a point where the serial cheating begins?

 

For instance--does it start during dating and if they get married, then it continues during marriage?

 

Can the M be strong, fade then he starts cheating then he becomes a serial cheating?

 

My WH is a serial cheater. He first began (I think) when I had our first child. My WH was always irresponsible so when the first kid came he ran. I believe he cheated on me all of those years until I caught him with the MOW. I had enough proof to prove the A and my WH admitted to me.

 

The consequences the first times I caught him (I could never prove PA and he always talked his way out of it) were never severe and I would rugsweep. This last A broke my heart and my mind. The consequences have been so severe we may not make it. Reconciling is one of the hardest things to do as my biggest trigger is my WH. I am not positive my WH will be faithful. I know I do not want to remain M'd if he can't.

[katielee]

OMG hugs!!! Lady designer!!!! And jane doe- you are so brave!!

[Journee]

My WH started cheating just months into our dating relationship. I was/ am so broken from a sexual assault that I had not healed from that I rug swept after a brief break up. It happened again maybe six months later but I didn't find out for some time. I married him anyway. I blamed myself. I didn't deserve b love anyhow.

 

We went through some terrible blow outs. We separated after a particular incident. When I thought we were heading back on the right track....I became pregnant with my second child. He began meeting a married woman from his job in hotels. He even drove my car to her house once. He left my car doors unlocked so she could bring him lunch at work. I hate him and I love him. We moved back in together after our daughter was born. It was a very confusing time.

 

I'm one foot in and one foot out. Contemplating my own affair or departure. It's messed up.

 

It didn't matter the state of our relationship or marriage. He cheated anyway. No matter what. I honestly believe he has been cheating the entire time we have been together. Nearly ten years. I'm not perfect but I'm not to blame for his cheating.

 

I'm dreaming of being with a man that would love me and be faithful. I knew a man that would had been this to me. I regret not allowing myself to be loved the right way everyday.

[Spark1111]

there are two types of serial cheaters and only a professional can diagnose who is who.....

 

one is called a philanderer. he secretly fears intimacy with a woman although he marries for love. He has grown up in a patriarchy where revering the wife but having some, or many, on the side is the cultural norm. He FEARS handing over all his power to a woman, his mother and than his wife, so he seeks many a partner on the side.

 

The second group is a sexual addict. MANY have been abused, sexually, physically or emotionally as children. They seek many partners MORE for a sense of power and control over the abuser than for sexual fulfillment or ego empowerment. When they feel emotionally out of control, they will seek a temporary fix by....having sex with anyone willing or those who can be purchased for a short time.

 

There is a third group, but is not yet fully recognized by the psychological group. yet, we can all recognize them.... They were NOT allowed to date, screw during the very important adolescent years....Too much parental pressure to excel and be high-achieving.

 

They rebel big time in adulthood. Perfect careers, perfect wife, perfect lives....and then self-destruct trying to have what they were not allowed to have between the ages of 15 to 25....Think Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Mark Sandford, Bill Clinton, General Petraeus, etc.

[MissBee]

Is there a point where the serial cheating begins?

 

For instance--does it start during dating and if they get married, then it continues during marriage?

 

Can the M be strong, fade then he starts cheating then he becomes a serial cheating?

 

I doubt...it could happen maybe, but people who serially cheat usually have issues which have been with them regardless of whatever relationship they are in or not in. They tend to have cheated before in previous relationships and fidelity isn't a high value for them. I think Spark's breakdown is good.

[SarahJames]

there are two types of serial cheaters and only a professional can diagnose who is who.....

 

one is called a philanderer. he secretly fears intimacy with a woman although he marries for love. He has grown up in a patriarchy where revering the wife but having some, or many, on the side is the cultural norm. He FEARS handing over all his power to a woman, his mother and than his wife, so he seeks many a partner on the side.

 

The second group is a sexual addict. MANY have been abused, sexually, physically or emotionally as children. They seek many partners MORE for a sense of power and control over the abuser than for sexual fulfillment or ego empowerment. When they feel emotionally out of control, they will seek a temporary fix by....having sex with anyone willing or those who can be purchased for a short time.

 

There is a third group, but is not yet fully recognized by the psychological group. yet, we can all recognize them.... They were NOT allowed to date, screw during the very important adolescent years....Too much parental pressure to excel and be high-achieving.

 

They rebel big time in adulthood. Perfect careers, perfect wife, perfect lives....and then self-destruct trying to have what they were not allowed to have between the ages of 15 to 25....Think Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Mark Sandford, Bill Clinton, General Petraeus, etc.

 

I completely agree. Love the psychology behind it - and it all makes sense.