peanutgallery Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) I cheated on my husnand years ago and when he found out... I told him that it was never physical... Other than kissing. But that's not true. Since then, I have gotten into 2 affairs... Hoping they would give me the strength to leave my husnand. But, they didn't. I just resolved not to cheat again and I've remained married and prayed God would forgive me. Our marriage is rough.. No sex .. I had suspected he was gay. He swears he is not... Although he had sex w a man when he was 24 ... And said he was raped. Honestly when he told me that...I think I checked out and began the first affair. If I confessed this to him I know he wouldn't leave me (I make all the money) he would just make my life miserable for my sins ... I'm pretty sure he knew something was going on before I ended it with the OM but he never said anything. In fact I think he purposely ignored it. I even got careless with my phone and I know he saw... But never called me on it. Not sure what I'm asking here... Except I'm recognizing through therapy etc that even though I want to cheat... I don't have the strength to leave. We have an amazing son... And I don't want to ruin his life w divorce. Am I an awful person? Edited October 12, 2013 by peanutgallery Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 What a waste of years. I can't believe you settle for living this lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peanutgallery Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Maybe this is true... Maybe it is settling. Or maybe I'm just a horrible person who needs to remain committed to my husnand... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I don't think it's wrong to stay for the sake of a child. It does give them security to have both parents at home. You have a complicated situation. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Maybe this is true... Maybe it is settling. Or maybe I'm just a horrible person who needs to remain committed to my husnand... Stop saying you are horrible. Just get honest and quit pretending its a marriage. You are basically showing your son what an arrangement looks like - unfortunately, you're posing it as marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peanutgallery Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 He's 7. He has no idea. Life seems perfect to him... We don't fight in front of him or argue. Only I work all the time.,, I am the breadwinner in the family, and my husnand doesn't try to plan for the future. O Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Why doesn't your H show him how hard a man should work - by being a good partner to Mom - showing what passion and love looks like? Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I think as you have a pattern of using cheating as an escape you cannot change on your own without full confession. Sit down and tell your husband everything. It may be the end of your marriage but it will be the beginning of your life as an honest person. Read the pinned post at the top "what every wayward needs to know". In no way imply your wandering eye is his fault. Don't bring up problems in tr marriage. Just tell him you screwed up. I'm not sure whether or not it would benefit either one of them or their child to do this. It's almost as though they have a tacit agreement to stay together for their son and other reasons. He needs her financially, she wants him to caretake their child. He may be gay. I don't know. I'm not in their marriage. But I don't think the answer is always so clear-cut, or that every situation calls for this solution. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Insanity is defined as an abnormal mental condition. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is called stupidity. If you want a new result - you need to DO new actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 She doesn't want to leave the marriage. He won't (or can't) leave her. Life isn't black and white. I don't know what she should do. I'd have to hear more. But I don't think there's a one size fits all solution to most any situation. A more traditional marriage might call for that, but maybe not this one. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Have you and your husband ever had MC and IC? You and your marriage may benefit from counseling. Sometimes we all need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peanutgallery Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Yes we have (on my insistence) gone through several cycles of counseling. Once I take the boot off the neck...so to speak.... He stops going. Our MC was difficult because it was so obvious that he was starting from such a bottom level. For example, he had to use an entire session telling this woman how he was raped by a guy when he was 24...because he got drunk. I kept saying (first, we'd been over this) that he needed IC for that... Then we spent a session trying to get him to understand it is not appropriate to text me compulsively about every small issue ..while I'm at work. He has a very negative approach to life and certain things set him off. Maybe he was on hold with A T and T for an hour... That would cause him to text me at work and expect compassion... I don't think he is gay .... At least at this point. Although I have gay friends who think he is. All I know is he currently is in a very "nice" mode.. Offering to give me shoulder massages when I get home from work...etc. and I feel bad that I have no desire to have sex with him. I know (especially considering his normal attitude to life) that if I told him about the cheating... He would NOT leave... But he would be so difficult and mean ..that he'd be unbearable to live with. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids. It's funny that BS's always say "WS's don't stay just for the kids" but here you are... some of you, telling this woman to do just that. It's pathetic and sad, really. This poor kid won't know what a loving relationship looks like and that is not good parenting folks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 OK so first of all cheating is just wrong - for your husband's sake, for your son's sake and for your sake. So you should stop doing it while you are married, and yes you should come clean with your husband. Second, your son is not in as an idyllic a life as you may think. This is a bad environment for him. He will grow up to think that marriage means its OK for a dad to be weak and a doormat, for a mum to be a liar and a cheat etc. And although he is 7 now what happens when he gets older. So don't use him as a reason for not divorcing. Third, you need to get down to the bottom of your husband's sexuality right away. Do not accept any rug-sweeping of this issue - in fairness to yourself and your family. If there is no sexual chemistry between the two of you, your marriage is doomed and your life will be miserable unless you do not mind a series of meaningless affairs and a fake husband. Do whatever it takes to resolve this issue including a polygraph if necessary. If at the end of it, it turns out that he is not gay then decide on whether you both are prepared to attend counselling (individual and marriage) to try and make this work. All of this assuming that you both want to after you divulge the truth about your cheating. Wish you the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peanutgallery Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Well the therapist said if he says he's not gay and that he was raped, it is very damaging for me to question him. So I am supposed to take him at his word. I can't tell him I cheated... I just don't think I can. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 For the sake of the conversation, if he was raped, then he's carrying around a heavy load just like a woman would if it happened to her. It's something not to be taken lightly and I'm not saying that you are but it could be the cause of how he is. The other thing is having an affair or multiple affairs is going to make it any easier on either of you. An affair is wrong and you know it's wrong and by continuing to have them is only going to put you and your marriage in a deeper hole Basically it comes down to this. If your not happy and your husband isn't the man that you want in your life, then by all means, lay your cards on the table and call it quits. Having an affair is not the answer. Maybe you don't know it but your letting yourself be used by other men and maybe a hour of gratification comes along with it but after you still have the same thing and that is being unhappy, so just end it and find someone who will make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 When you found out he was raped, you checked out of the relationship and cheated on him? Good god, that's cold. You don't think he'll leave cause you make more money than him? It's called alimony and you will pay it if he leaves you. I'd rather live under a bridge than be with a cheating spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Morgoth Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Interesting that you are getting the same old advice to a very complex situation. While it seems that the default conventional wisdom on this site it to confess and tell all, and while that may be the outcome or may not be, you are getting urged to just blow it all to hell immediately- I would say to think critically and strategically about what you want to do. I really feel for your situation. Love your son, sexless marriage, in a box so to speak. So you get your emotional and physical needs met while rasing your son. I totally get that, as there is no perfect, I am very family oriented but do not get what I need from marriage anymmore and have not for years. Situations evolve and you never know which direction your situation will evolve in. Maybe your husband is OK with you getting your needs met elsewhere, if he saw "something" on your phone and didn't challenge you. Maybe he loves your son as well and is happy with the status quo. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Yesterday Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) Peanutgallery, it took my wife over 30 years to come clean over her affair to me. Until that time, I only knew about her flirting with a supposed friend of mine. All I can say is it when she told me, I was devastated as if it just happened yesterday. About two weeks later, at my persistent questions about the situations of her affair, she blurted out to me that she was a victim of sexual abuse by her father, and that she is unable to remember very much about anything that pertains to sex. Including her first sex with me. We have been together 38 years. She started therapy which was useless (poor therapist), she is now starting EMDR therapy to explore her feelings about her abuse and the roots of why she cannot remember any sexual past including her affair. I believe the situation of your husband's encounter is likely the key to resolving your situation. The fact that he brought it up first at your session indicates it is paramount to him. The fact that you minimized it as 'old hat' speaks that you have little concern about how he feels about this, or that you may not believe he was actually raped. You also state that you probably checked out of your marriage after he divulged this to you. You need to get him into therapy so he can deal with his feelings over what happened and for you to fully understand this hurdle affects you. I would also be concerned in a sexless marriage where you are getting something on the side, but what is he doing for sexual release? How many years have you both been sexless together? How old are you now? I would seek professional help rather than talking to gay friends to support your belief that your husband may be gay which you may believe gives you a free pass to have physical affairs. You each need to address your individual issues, then come clean with a fresh start and honesty about what has happened to each of you during your marriage. Then if you still choose to keep your marriage, what you are will to commit from that time forward. Your son is 7, he already is in a poor marriage, you need to change a great deal in your relationship to fix that. Edited October 15, 2013 by Yesterday Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Maybe this is true... Maybe it is settling. Or maybe I'm just a horrible person who needs to remain committed to my husnand... Nah, you're not a horrible person. Just another girl or gal who's trying to make the best of a pretty lousy hand they've been dealt in this crazy world... How long have you been together? Do you love him, and what good qualities does he have? But basically you have a husband who is: Either gay. Asexual. Not very interested in sex or maybe meets his needs elsewhere. There is also the possibility that he somehow has been deeply traumatized sexually, and as a result of that not interested. That's something that would take years to work out though, but most importantly he needs to be willing to confront it and work on it. And he doesn't sound like neither. Should you tell him about your affairs? I don't know, but I don't think so. You're the only that knows him. Are you sure he wants the truth? Or does he maybe suspect or know, but don't want rock the boat anymore than you do? What would the purpose be of telling him? To move on and improve your marriage? Or to end it so you can both move on. People deserve the truth, right? Well, sometimes people prefer to live a lie. And if the two of you can't or won't move on or leave, if the truth would destroy the status quo that you both prefer, than telling the truth would just be cruel. And destructive. "But at least he would know the truth!" And? There are plenty of people who find the fact that at least they know the truth to be a comfort. But plenty of people would prefer not to know the truth, or regret knowing it. Truth can destroy, heal and improve but it can also destroy, wreck and embitter. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Anyways, unless you post some more information it looks like your options are: 1. Continue living as now, keep your family together and stop sleeping around. 2. Continue loving as now, keep your family together and occasionally sleep around. 3. Disclose the truth, move on with your marriage and try to repair it. 4. Disclose the truth and stay as you are, even though both husband and marriage will suffer. 5. Disclose the truth, end the marriage and family. It seems that neither you nor the husband finds 5 to be appealing, for whatever reasons you have. Both you and hubby's life's will get massively disrupted, as will your child's. Maybe your child would be happier in the end, but just like lots of kids come out alright through a divorce, lots of kid don't. I assume your husband is a stay at home dad of sorts? Only you know how close their bond is, and how happy your kid is, so don't listen to posters and people who have no doubt that you're "harming" your child. 4. Would mean that things are as they are now, except that you think that it'll wreck you and your husbands relationship. (And I assume its somewhat comfortable now?) obviously it'll affect your son in a negative way too. 3. Would probably be the best and most constructive solution. At least long term. Only you can have a sense of whether your husband is willing to work on it and work on his issues. Otherwise it'll fail for sure. Maybe discuss this option, and your options in general with an individual counsellor. Maybe the one who already worked with you and your husband. That kinda leaves you options 1 and 2. It's not ideal solutions you have here. Far from it. But you might have to choose the lesser of several evils. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 LOL. Why would he? You support his lazy ass. He isn't going anywhere where he might actually have to WORK to support himself. Why are you with this LOSER? Oh, and check his computer browsing history. Don't be surprised when you find that it's full of gay porn. After all, he he's got all in the time in the world to do that while you're out being productive and working to support your family, right? Why anyone would stay with such a worthless person is just beyond me. I don't know... It seems to be more and more popular these days to have a lazy, worthless spouse at home watching TV and eating bonbons all day long, doesn't it? Who would have thought, that so many women choose to stay at home as a stay at home mom these days, eh? And that their husband doesn't mind bringing in the bacon month after month, while the wife resting her lazy, unproductive ass "taking care" of house and kids! Oh pardon me, that hateful, derogatory comment you wrote was directed at both sexes, right? Surely you're not sexist or hypocritical? Link to post Share on other sites
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