what is your secret?

[rumbleseat]

If you are in a marriage that has recovered from an affair, and the affair was a long time ago, what was the secret of your success?

 

I have often heard that the best path is to make the "other" a non-entity. To get to a place where they no longer matter.

 

How did the "other" become a non-entity to the two of you?

 

What is one piece of advice you would like to share?

[dichotomy]

If you are in a marriage that has recovered from an affair, and the affair was a long time ago, what was the secret of your success?

 

I have often heard that the best path is to make the "other" a non-entity. To get to a place where they no longer matter.

 

How did the "other" become a non-entity to the two of you?

 

What is one piece of advice you would like to share?

 

Complete NC, and then the long road it took for my wife to gain the perspective OM was "a worm that used her", and "she was unhealthy then". Then my own self esteem repair. I think OM became non-entity when I felt my wife had grown enough to make him that way in her mind.

[road]

If you are in a marriage that has recovered from an affair, and the affair was a long time ago, what was the secret of your success?

 

I have often heard that the best path is to make the "other" a non-entity. To get to a place where they no longer matter.

 

How did the "other" become a non-entity to the two of you?

 

What is one piece of advice you would like to share?

 

 

The WS has to go NC.

 

The WS has to send a NC letter.

 

There must be exposure. Start with the AP's spouse and the WS's parents for the start.

 

The WS can not trickle truth but must answer all of the BS's questions.

 

The WS must be an open book, hand over all passwords. Make the BS know where the WS is at all times.

 

For many BS they can not recover living in the town where the affair took place. They need to move far away from the AP.

 

All things gifts received from the AP must be thrown away in front of the BS. All things bought by the WS worn or used by the WS for the AP must be thrown away in front of the BS.

 

Then the WS has to learn how to have a healthy relationship, avoid activities that make having affairs easy. Learn that it is not ok to have opposite sex friends.

 

Then the WS and the BS have to learn how to meet each other's needs so they will be so much in love that they will not need attention from AP's.

 

The BS once all has all of his questions about the affair answered must never bring up the affair again. Same for the WS. There is no point in keeping the affair memories alive by talking about it.

 

Remember to date. People get married but then forget to date each other. Dating is how the love is kept alive. Referred to as us alone/UA time. UA time during recovery needs to be 20 to 25 hours a week. A healthy marriage needs 15 UA hours a week.

 

Recreational activities are to be shared. Independent activities is like having independent behavior. Allowing other people to share your recreation time is allowing other people to meet your needs. Then you are on the slippery slope to affair land. RA spent together also counts as UA time.

 

So the affair has to be killed and fully exposed.

NC in all shapes and forms.

WS makes atonement for the affair, ie honest, no trickle truth.

Both spouses learn how to have a good relationship.

[janedoe67]

The WS has to go NC.

 

The WS has to send a NC letter.

 

There must be exposure. Start with the AP's spouse and the WS's parents for the start.

 

The WS can not trickle truth but must answer all of the BS's questions.

 

The WS must be an open book, hand over all passwords. Make the BS know where the WS is at all times.

 

For many BS they can not recover living in the town where the affair took place. They need to move far away from the AP.

 

All things gifts received from the AP must be thrown away in front of the BS. All things bought by the WS worn or used by the WS for the AP must be thrown away in front of the BS.

 

Then the WS has to learn how to have a healthy relationship, avoid activities that make having affairs easy. Learn that it is not ok to have opposite sex friends.

 

Then the WS and the BS have to learn how to meet each other's needs so they will be so much in love that they will not need attention from AP's.

 

The BS once all has all of his questions about the affair answered must never bring up the affair again. Same for the WS. There is no point in keeping the affair memories alive by talking about it.

 

Remember to date. People get married but then forget to date each other. Dating is how the love is kept alive. Referred to as us alone/UA time. UA time during recovery needs to be 20 to 25 hours a week. A healthy marriage needs 15 UA hours a week.

 

Recreational activities are to be shared. Independent activities is like having independent behavior. Allowing other people to share your recreation time is allowing other people to meet your needs. Then you are on the slippery slope to affair land. RA spent together also counts as UA time.

 

So the affair has to be killed and fully exposed.

NC in all shapes and forms.

WS makes atonement for the affair, ie honest, no trickle truth.

Both spouses learn how to have a good relationship.

 

So this is what you have done, or is this just a list of what other people should do?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I have to remind myself: that was then, this is now, Don't let the past steal today's happiness, James 2:13.

 

Have fun together.

 

As far as the OM. I think of him as one of many POS people in this world. I try not to think about him at all. Luckily he lives 500 miles away. He has stayed away from us since the affair ended many years ago.

[katielee]

"The BS once all has all of his questions about the affair answered must never bring up the affair again. Same for the WS. There is no point in keeping the affair memories alive by talking about it"

 

Calling bull on this. I'd have to leave the marriage if I couldn't occasionally talk about it...

[rumbleseat]

Isn't it important for the bs and we to really talk everything through? Even if it is painful? If the ws has a reason that they strayed, isn't it important for that, when both have had a chance to heal, to be acknowledged and talked about?

 

Isn't talking about everything part of what can help keep a marriage together?

 

Of course, maybe I am wrong.

[ChooseTruth]

I absoutely do not agree with exposing the affair for the sake of recovery in all cases besides the other BS. I think what it does is creates uncomfortablness and makes other people have to "recover" a well. It also brings in a plethora of unasked for advice. If my parents knew my mom would say I did wrong and then say my husband was responsible because of her religeous beliefs. And my husband has no desire to burden his family with it and force them to have to work on forgiving me.

 

Instead of you as a couple working on your marriage, you now have family and friends forced into your marriage. And if exposing the affair to everyone id needed to keep the WS faithful then they are obviously not remorseful and nothing is going to help that.

I agree with the exposing if the WS won't go NC. Otherwise I agree with you.

[ComingInHot]

Both Spouses Must RECLAIM their M. They both must Want to. That means a-lot of what others have said here & more.

And t means No More AP. Ever.

[Spark1111]

I absoutely do not agree with exposing the affair for the sake of recovery in all cases besides the other BS. I think what it does is creates uncomfortablness and makes other people have to "recover" a well. It also brings in a plethora of unasked for advice. If my parents knew my mom would say I did wrong and then say my husband was responsible because of her religeous beliefs. And my husband has no desire to burden his family with it and force them to have to work on forgiving me.

 

Instead of you as a couple working on your marriage, you now have family and friends forced into your marriage. And if exposing the affair to everyone id needed to keep the WS faithful then they are obviously not remorseful and nothing is going to help that.

 

Coolit I think you, like many others, misunderstand exposure.

 

It is not a punishment, though many a BS may strike out vengefully and use it as such. I forgive them for it if they do, however.

 

Affairs avoid the light of day. In fact, they thrive on the secret, delusional, fantasy world the secrecy provides....It feeds the affair and the fantasies both APs are projecting upon each other.

 

Exposure is simply the truth; My H is having an affair and I simply have decided not to live with lies and deceit anymore. He/she is freed by me to pursue the love of their life but I will no longer be a part nor party to THEIR deception. I am moving on free now to live an authentic, out loud life and they are now free to do the same.

 

It's liberating and healing for a BS to have the courage to do this, no matter what the outcome of their marriage or prospective divorce may be.

 

Those who love and care for you, and your BS or WS, will still be supportive and caring no matter what the out come.

 

Those who gossip, judge or take sides against you, NEVER truly cared for you or your marriage to begin with. The hell with them!

 

If you as a WS never wanted to be exposed or thought it a possible consequence to your actions, well, then, you should have never had a secret affair.

 

Sorry. You cannot lie and deceive and cheat on me, have sex with another, and then expect me to take some mythical high road to lie and protect YOU and your AP in the aftermath.

 

That's both hypocritical and completely unfair, IMO.

 

I'm just telling the truth of my sitch. It IS dire and I have a right to.

[compulsivedancer]

That's why I added the remorseful wayward. I don't think a remorseful wayward wants to break NC.

 

Disagree. I wanted to so bad. Sometimes I still want to. I didn't because I love my husband and want to make it work.

[Spark1111]

That's fine in your case. You wanted to return and R.

 

For the BS's whose WS's are continuing the affair or who are maligning the M to others, then exposure makes perfect sense. You're atypical in that you showed remorse and analyzed yourself. You've previously admitted that you were not a head-in-the-clouds cheater who was bonking her AP every which way and in any place possible. You affair was discrete, your R was discrete. That's atypical. Are you of an older generation?

 

This Coolit!

 

Most WSs are caught and lie and pay lip service to reconciling. They want to pacify the BS, have the marriage go back to normal so they can start up with their AP again.

 

Cake-eaters in a deep fog of lust and limerance.

 

I won't be played for a fool, so I exposed and made plans to move on with my life without him.

 

The soul mates went Pssst in about three weeks of not having to lie and sneak and rebel against me.

 

amazing how that happens in retrospect. He loved the fantasy of her and of being a bad boy, but he did not love the reality of her, day in and day out.

[ComingInHot]

coolit wrote, " I am not married to my parents. I did not break vows with my friends. Why should anyone know our business. If my husband wanted everyone to know then I would fully support him. But there was never waffling on my part concerning the A. I confessed to my husband. The person I hurt. The affair being over for good was sealed when I brought the A to light to my husband."

 

Hey Cool it, I just wanted to add my $00.00 cents and say that although I do not believe in "shouting" the betrayal from a mountaintop to all w/in earshot, I do believe (for myself) that I wouldn't have been able to make it through the pain, loss of footing in reality, make the solid choices I did AND make it through R if I hadn't gathered our possy around to support, listen, love, guide and in order to do that they needed the truth of the A.

 

The more wide spread exposure came Well after when the exOW was harassing ME!

It was like she didn't even care about my H or even try to contact him but a couple times just to remind him of what a d*ck he'd been, but to make Me pay for being THE main factor that kept her from getting what she wanted for the first time in her life.

 

Today, I bet (I hope) she secretly thanks me in that same line of thinking **

[road]

"The BS once all has all of his questions about the affair answered must never bring up the affair again. Same for the WS. There is no point in keeping the affair memories alive by talking about it"

 

Calling bull on this. I'd have to leave the marriage if I couldn't occasionally talk about it...

 

 

No bull not even a little cow. On dday and for a couple of months past dday what happens is the BS needs to know what happened. As answers come in they cause new questions that need to be asked. Also as more info is revealed it causes previous facts to be clarified. So more questions get asked.

 

Also the BH restates questions to see if the previous answers match and line up with the new answers. Any deviations need to be cleared up. Once this has been done their is no point in rehashing any more.

 

Healing means letting those memories fade. Recalling them prevents that.

 

So right after dday ask every day except Fri Sat Sun. You both need time to work forward on recovery. As the weeks move out from dday limit affair talk to tue wed thur. Then tue, thur. Then just wed. Then no more.

 

If affair talk is still going on years later it is because everything has not been asked, discussed, or answered fully. So get it done then talk no more.

 

There are always exceptions. Say the BH finds WW old affair letters 20 years after the first dday. He learns that the affair was not 2 months but 2 years. They just kissing was just a lie. WW did things with the OM she has refused to do for her for over 20 years.

 

Obviously the BH is going to have to revisit what happened and there will be months of talking about affair all over again. Though after a few months all of it should be revealed. Then it needs to be left alone again.

Edited October 8, 2013 by road

[katielee]

Healing means letting those memories fade.

 

healing means working through what happened by talking about it occasionally. We would never tell a sexual assault victim or an incest victim to never talk about it again. Why would we do the same thing in this instance, where someone was traumatized....

it takes years to recover from something like this. rugsweeping - and that's what not talking about it is - is more victimization for the BS.

[Bittersweetie]

Isn't it important for the bs and we to really talk everything through? Even if it is painful? If the ws has a reason that they strayed, isn't it important for that, when both have had a chance to heal, to be acknowledged and talked about?

 

Isn't talking about everything part of what can help keep a marriage together?

 

Of course, maybe I am wrong.

 

This is one of the major actions my H and I took after d-day. We had weekly talk times when we discussed the A and it's ramifications. Nothing was off limits and we agreed that it was a time for talking and listening on both sides. Sometimes it was really hard but we got through it.

 

After a time, we talked about the A less and talked more about the things important to us. Now we don't really even need a specific talk time...one of just has to say, I want to talk and the other knows to fully listen.

 

Communication is integral to reconciliation and a relationship, IMO.

[road]

healing means working through what happened by talking about it occasionally. We would never tell a sexual assault victim or an incest victim to never talk about it again. Why would we do the same thing in this instance, where someone was traumatized....

it takes years to recover from something like this. rugsweeping - and that's what not talking about it is - is more victimization for the BS.

 

 

Recovery takes 2 to 5 years. Part of recovery is to forget the affair. Talking about the affair every day does not let the healing begin.

 

One a BH hears that the OM's tool was 12", double the girth, OM lasted an 1 hour each time and give the WW more orgasms then she could remember in that 1 hour, and the OM would do the WW 4 times each night.

 

The BH knows how he measures up to the OM in that way. So where is the benefit of the BH asking about this years later? There is not any benefit. It only will keep hurting the BH because he will never be able to better the OM in bed.

 

The BH and WW that have recovery as their goal talking about this will never let either of them forget the affair sex.

 

The BH enjoyed sex with his WW before the affair. The WW enjoyed it with her BH. They can learn to enjoy sex with each other after the affair. Though neither one will be able to as long as the BH keeps talking and asking WW about the sex WW with the OM.

 

Talking about the affair is the only way the BH can get his questions answered. Once all the questions have been answered and clarified where needed. Talking about the affair just keeps picking at the scab. Cuts never heal when the scab keeps getting picked off.

 

So for the first month after dday a lot of talking and questioning is needed. As the details get filled in the need for missing info decreases so the need for questioning slowly tapers off. By 6 months out from dday the BH should know everything and no longer need to talk about the affair.

 

Then a year goes by. The BH stumbles on info that the WW lied and did not tell all but trickled trothed him. This starts the recovery clock back to zero as well as restart the whole questioning process over again because the BH has to get at the truth that he needs.

 

The WW continued lying even in the face of total NC with the OM for years will cause the BH to have to re ask everything all over again. So a WW will not be able to expect the BH to get over this new revelation fast. She will have to endure the repeat of the whole questioning process again. If it took 6 months the first time it will take at least that much again.

 

Though once the BH is satisfied then all affair talk must end again.

 

The WW no matter how guilty she feels for having the affair it does not help her BH bringing up the affair once she has told her BH everything he has wanted to know.

[katielee]

Part of recovery is to forget the affair.

 

raise your hand if you've forgotten your spouse's affair.

 

and what is this talking about sex thing?

 

What about saying to your spouse, "that really hurt, it's hard for me today." Even years later... What the heck is wrong with that?

[harrybrown]

But why will she never ever answer the f**king questions? Any of them?

 

The picture sent showed her and him on our bed naked. But it did not show his face. That is not her. She never had an affair.

 

It keeps the BH in limbo hell forever.

 

Just 2 more years when the last child is out of the house. Then the divorce will be filed, and the 40 year farce will be over. I only know of the problems in the last 3 years, but the earlier years are forever tainted.

[katielee]

Coolit and road( I very much disagree...

[RightThere]

Part of recovery is to forget the affair.

 

I would assume you mean "forgive" but not "forget".

 

To forget would mean dooming both of you to repeat mistakes of the past.

[road]

raise your hand if you've forgotten your spouse's affair.

 

and what is this talking about sex thing?

 

What about saying to your spouse, "that really hurt, it's hard for me today." Even years later... What the heck is wrong with that?

 

Being able to recall it because one makes the effort or is triggered is not the same as dwelling on the affair memories thus keeping the affair alive in the conscience part of the mind.

 

Throwing the affair back into the WS's face if forcing the WS to recall the affair into their conscience mind.

 

Not talking about the affair years later keeps the affair in the unconscious mind. Both the WS and the BS need to leave the affair in the past.

 

A day or week past dday and a trigger can cause the whole day to be ruined for the BS. It can take 24 hours for the memories stirred up by the trigger to disappear.

 

Years later a trigger, as fast as it came it can disappear and in minutes the BS is back to a good place.

 

What you advocate is that years later the BS has a trigger at lunch. Holds onto the trigger until the kids go to bed to tell their WS how they are triggering. Nothing was accomplished except the BS held onto a bad trigger for 10 hours instead of letting it pass in 10 seconds. Then the BS goes on for an hour more telling the WS all about the trigger.

 

If they have recovered. The WS has answered all of the questions. The WS has acted in a trustful manner all this time so the BS believes the WS has now been faithful since dday. The WS is doing all that is necessary to atone for the affair. Nothing positive is done by rubbing the affair in the WS face or the BS holding onto the trigger for all that time.

[katielee]

I think talking about the affair should always be open to discussion. Forever....

[Furious]

If you are in a marriage that has recovered from an affair, and the affair was a long time ago, what was the secret of your success?

 

I have often heard that the best path is to make the "other" a non-entity. To get to a place where they no longer matter.

 

How did the "other" become a non-entity to the two of you?

 

What is one piece of advice you would like to share?

 

 

 

I truly believe that letting of of the WS is crucial. That on d-day you hand them a suitcase and wish them well.

 

In the early days and months after I discovered the affair "reconcilliation" wasn't in my radar. I encouraged my husband to be free and go to the OW.

 

In hindsight I had done a 180 but didn't realize this until I started reading and learning about affairs. I only knew that I was going to fight for me and not fight the marriage.

 

I also deconstructed the affair and came to the conclusion that affairs are compartmentalized and very few survive the light of day.

 

I was under the impression that an affair was a real relationship and I supported making it "real" in every sense of the word. Turns out that many cheaters the attraction to being in an affair is that it's not a real relationship. People who cheat are more invested in the fantasy rather than the reality.

 

What I struggled with was not such much the affair but continuous lies and deceit in order to continue it.

 

If only my husband had said one evening....honey.... I've met someone and would like to have a relationship with her. The thing is that's the last thing a WS would ever do, as negates the control and alters the storyline and dampens the sparkle from the affair. Really....what's an affair if it doesn't include clandestine meetings, drama, and of course secrecy.

[road]

I would assume you mean "forgive" but not "forget".

 

To forget would mean dooming both of you to repeat mistakes of the past.

 

You assume half correct. We do forgive but not forget.

 

Though to heal we can not dwell on the past. So by forgetting we let the memories fade in that a conscience effort has to be made to remember the affair.

 

So the affair is forgotten because it is not kept alive in our conscience memory. We let it go. There is no benefit recalling the things that caused pain.

 

Things in my life happened good and bad. I do not remember them unless I make the effort or I get triggered. As fast as they are recalled they leave just as quick.