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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 24th September 2013, 6:11 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by j'adore View Post
I am not betrayer, HE IS
Eh, the point still stands. I think a lot more people would rather be betrayed than a betrayer or someone who helps the betrayer. I think it speaks volumes of the kind of person you are if you'd rather help/be a part of helping someone hurt another.
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Old 24th September 2013, 7:17 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by BetrayedH View Post
Most states will split marital assets equally. However, adultery can affect alimony, child custody, and thus, child support. For instance, where I live (Florida), it's a no-fault state but judges are permitted to weigh infidelity when making decisions about custody and alimony. So, it gets down to your judge. Other places are different.
Well this is good to know. I wonder how it is here in California because we are a no-fault state too and my WH did spend $$ on the MOW
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Old 24th September 2013, 7:27 PM   #18
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Every dinner, watch, Victoria's Secret, sex toy and hotel room you can find, deduct it from his side of the pie. If you can prove any infidelity incident occurred in a State that allows you to sue his affair partner for Alienation Of Affection, or if you or his affair partner lives in one of these States, make her day, sue her for $10,000,000.00. Teach that hoe a lesson.
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Old 24th September 2013, 7:40 PM   #19
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If you go against your own moral code, treating others as you would like to be treated, being disrespectful, hurtful, cruel..etc then you betrayed yourself
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Old 24th September 2013, 7:41 PM   #20
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Well this is good to know. I wonder how it is here in California because we are a no-fault state too and my WH did spend $$ on the MOW
What gets interesting is that few divorce cases actually go to court (they get settled in mediation) but the threat of using those laws in court can provide you with more leverage in the negotiating process.

The others are also correct that some states have "alienation of affection" statutes that can result in a lawsuit by the BS (usually against the OM/OW, if I'm not mistaken) and in other cases, BSs have been able to recover marital funds that were spent on the affair. Sorry, I don't know about California.
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Old 24th September 2013, 8:04 PM   #21
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Depending on the jurisdiction, adultery could be a grounds for divorce and affect the divorce settlement. Alienation of affection lawsuits, allowed only in a few states, allow the betrayed spouse to sue the affair partner.

Fault Divorce
Due to a state’s interest in the marital status of its residents, all state legislatures have passed laws governing the grounds on which a divorce will be granted. If the complaint does not contain a ground for divorce recognized under the statute, the divorce will not be granted.

Grounds for Divorce
A divorce will be granted for reasons which are typically enumerated in each state’s statutes. For example, under New York law, there are six grounds for divorce. The first four grounds are based on fault of one of the parties. The last two grounds are New York’s form of no-fault divorce.

An action for divorce may be maintained by a husband or wife to procure a judgment divorcing the parties and dissolving the marriage on any of the following grounds:
  • Cruel and inhuman treatment;
  • Abandonment or desertion of the plaintiff by the defendant for a period of one or more years;
  • Confinement of the defendant in prison for a period of three or more consecutive years after the marriage of plaintiff and defendant;
  • Adultery;
  • The husband and wife have lived apart pursuant to a decree or judgment of separation granted by a court for a period of one or more years after the granting of such decree or judgment;
  • The husband and wife have lived separate and apart pursuant to a written Separation Agreement, which must be filed with the office of the county clerk where the parties reside before the requisite one-year separation period begins.
See N.Y. Dom. Rel. § 170.

In New York, adultery is defined as the commission of an act of sexual intercourse, oral sexual conduct or anal sexual conduct, voluntarily performed by the defendant, with a person other than the plaintiff, during the marriage of plaintiff and defendant. See N.Y. Dom. Rel. § 170(4). To successfully prove adultery, circumstantial evidence is sufficient. For instance, a party can establish adultery by showing that the other spouse and the alleged paramour had a mutual affection for each other, coupled with an opportunity to commit adultery.

Example: A husband proves his wife’s adulterous behavior in court by submitting evidence given to him by a private investigator showing that his wife’s alleged lover visited her at home almost daily from early evening until 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. In addition, the two lovers had been seen in public arm in arm and his wife kept a diary that contained incriminating entries as to her adulterous actions. Given the totality of this evidence, it was enough to prove the wife’s adultery. As such, the husband was not required to pay alimony. See, e.g., Leonard v. Leonard, 259 So.2d 529 (Fla.Dist.Ct.App.1972).

Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation

An outsider’s interference with marriage can cost the outsider big bucks in North Carolina. Fairly high-dollar awards in such cases have existed here for a number of years, a fact not generally known. As long ago as 1926, for instance, a jury in Macon County rendered a verdict in the amount of $12,000 against the lover of plaintiff’s wife. A 1931 jury in Forsyth County held against a plaintiff’s wife’s father-in-law for $38,000. A Rowan County jury awarded $30,000 against a husband’s girlfriend in 1969. In 1982, our Court of Appeals affirmed a jury verdict in the amount of $25,000 in compensatory damages and another $25,000 in punitive damages.

In the 1990’s, North Carolina juries were even more generous. A 1990 Forsyth County jury award of $300,000 in punitive damages for alienation was sustained on appeal, even though the court struck the compensatory award for $200,000. In 1997 alone, a jury handed down $1.2 million against a female paramour in Forsyth County, awarded another jilted wife $1 million in Alamance County and a deceived husband $243,000 in Wake County. In late 1999, a judge in Durham County valued compensatory damages in a case brought by a husband against his wife’s lover at less than $3,000 in compensatory damages but the judge still awarded $40,000 in punitive damages on the criminal conversation claim.

Even in the last 15 years, the trend of generosity has continued. In August of 2000, a Burke County judge awarded a devastated wife $86,250 for alienation of affection and $15,000 for criminal conversation, totaling $101,250. In May of 2001, in Richmond County, the jury answered the issues of alienation of affection and criminal conversation in favor of the scorned husband and awarded him compensatory damages of $50,000 plus punitive damages of $50,000. Another distraught husband, in Mecklenburg County, received an award of $1.4 million in May, 2001 comprised of $910,000 in compensatory damages and $500,000 in punitive damages. The jury found the doctor who had had an affair with this man’s wife liable for both alienation of affection and criminal conversation. After an appeal the original award of compensatory damages was reversed, the punitive damages award, however, was upheld. In 2007, a Cook County judge ordered a man to pay $4802 to a husband who was grieving the loss of his wife after an affair.

In 2009 a woman was awarded a nine million dollar verdict after she won a suit against her husband’s mistress, and in 2011 another plaintiff was awarded a thirty million dollar verdict in an alienation of affection suit.

Even if you do not actually file a complaint and sue the paramour, often times the threat of such a suit can be used as leverage in your negotiations with your spouse as you separate.

It may be the case that your spouse intends to continue the relationship with the paramour and doesn’t want a lawsuit tarnishing their relationship.

Additionally, court documents are public record, and your spouse may have an interest in not airing this dirty laundry in public.

A cheating spouse may be inclined to offer more in terms of property distribution or budge in a custody dispute if the other party agrees to not pursue a lawsuit against the person they had an affair with.
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Old 24th September 2013, 8:29 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by j'adore View Post
I am not betrayer, HE IS
Yeah.....if you only have a juvenille sense of morality. More complex adult type morality insists that you refrain from doing what you know will hurt others. Even if you REALLY, REALLY want to.

It's the same as knowing of a crime but doing nothing to prevent it...after all, you didn't commit the crime, you did nothing wrong. In reality you had knowledge that someone was going to be hurt and you allowed it to happen. You are not innocent.

It's the same with infidelity. You are allowing yourself to be used for purposes that would hurt someone else. Your desire for your selfish needs outweigh others feelings. Because what you want is so much more important than what anyone else wants. It's selfish, it's hurtful. That's what makes it wrong.
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Old 25th September 2013, 8:31 PM   #23
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Read up on the 180 and make that your new way of life, stop begging, wayward's don't find begging that attractive. He needs to see that you are moving on without him. Absolutely talk to a lawyer, if he's still cheating serve him. It takes a while before the divorce becomes final and you can stop the process anytime before the final decree. You are at your strongest at time of confrontation, he is more likely to agree to your demands at that time, he probably won't when he's feeling safe or in control. You can't nice him back and you can't make him love you, what you can do is get to the end one way or another and save yourself years of hurt. Find out where he stands today, he's all in or serve him.

I haven't begged him since I found out. I begged for years for a better marriage. I have no intention of begging anybody for anything. And I am more than capable of making nice. I don't give a damn where he stands or what he wants.
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Old 25th September 2013, 8:44 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by j'adore View Post
I am not betrayer, HE IS
If you help someone murder someone else but didn't pull the trigger wouldn't that make you also guilty?

You may not have "betrayed" her in the sense you are not married to her. But you are an accomplice in the web of deceit. You really need to get out.
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Old 25th September 2013, 9:16 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by vellocet View Post
Oh I always like the IDEA of a betrayed spouse being able to play hardball and really rock the WS's world financially or otherwise in court.

But in reality, infidelity won't help you. You are entitled to half the marital assets, infidelity or not, and the fact he cheated won't get you any more. That is unless the infidelity is something he doesn't want to be made public and he'd be willing to concede more of the assets to keep it quiet.

But other than that, it doesn't come in to play. I wish it did, however.

In my area it will help me according to the lawyer I have. I might not use it for anything other than to watch them both squirm. At this point....nasty is what I am counting on.
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Old 25th September 2013, 10:27 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by weski View Post
Originally Posted by j'adore http://www.loveshack.org/forums/imag...s/viewpost.gif
I am not betrayer, HE IS
If you help someone murder someone else but didn't pull the trigger wouldn't that make you also guilty?

You may not have "betrayed" her in the sense you are not married to her. But you are an accomplice in the web of deceit. You really need to get out.


Honestly, the OW in this scenario is just delusional- I would not engage as it fuels the boost needed to continue to lie to oneself while hurting an innocent party. I believe karma will take over where others have failed in bringing reality to life. Much like the WW to the OP- its just the way it it-either you wake up to real life or real life wakes you up-

And I plan to be the alarm clock.
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