im falling apart

[purplesoul]

Ok so ive been married about 2 years. My husband was always the most fantastic husband. Our marriage may have had its problems but we were both very faithful.

The last year or so, I became quite depressed due to my obsession with weight gain and career and so our sex life suffered greatly. He always wanted to but my sex drive literally went down the tubes. I then decided to leave him for a few weeks as I got confused in marriage. However with help of marriage counseling I realised I loved him and wanted to work on myself to make marriage work. He suffered alot in this period.

 

However 3 months ago I started working out, seeing an eating disorder therapist and things ebcame better. We werent fighting and sex life gettkng better.

My husband told mw his ex had recently moved to our city and he wanted to catch up.

Bear in mind they havent spoken in over 4 yrs. I was cool with it as im friends with my ex andhis gf.

Hecame home and said he haf a great time and it was goos to see her. Following this they met up again and again ( 3 times for coffee). He didnt know I knew this until I confronted him. Im not proud of it but I installed spyware on his phone as I was veey suspicious.

My suspicions were right. Nothing physical happened. He told me seeing her made him confused about me and us as things were so easy with her. He says he realised how unhappy he had been with me the past yr. He says he would never cheat but he needa a few days to think.

You can imagine how crazy this made me. He asked for space. I couldnt do it. I was so scared. So jealous. So angry. I went crazy throwing **** everywhere. He was crying begginf me to understand, just give him a few days to sort his brain out. Sayjbg she was a trigger to him realising how bad our marriage had gotten.

Anyway tonight he saw her. He said it was the last time as he needed to put an end to this and focus on our marriage because he loves me and he just got confused with residual feekings ( she broke his heart in a big way). She wantes something more but he said no. He came home abd promised he d never speak to her and that was that. Since then he s been great but im so paranoid?!? I know she still wants him and regrets ending it ( we have a mutual friend) she would never contact him as he told her he wants nothing to do with her. However im so scared. Help

[purplesoul]

To add to this, because paranoia has become my best friend. I check her fb alot ( she on his friend list). Everytime he changes his pic to one of us, she changes hers to one of her bf and her. Oh my God! I know its so stupid but im enraged and so jealous. Am I being stupid?! She works in the same building

[todreaminblue]

you arent being stupid but you arent giving your marriage a real chance to recover the hits unless you get over your distrust(paranoia) and your jealousy it is going to cause major problems.....you are going to snap or implode.......

 

 

 

maybe counselling or couples therapy .... date nights with your husband somewhere special to the both of you, try to get back some of the old feelings beofre all thsi crap happened instead of these new feelings of rage jealousy and distrust....you are a ticking bomb......

 

 

deal with it the best way you can if you need help get it and he should come along it will only strengthen your relationship to do things together..he is partly responsible for the start of bad feelings from you, he should own that responsibility to change it back and help you and your marriage by agreeing to whatever you think would help you move past what you are feeling...date nights....counselling whatever you feel will benefit..good luck i wish you well...........deb

[purplesoul]

Hey thank you! I know my jealousy is becoming a problem, I can see how hard he is trying to make things work. I think my feelings stem from the horrible annoyance that he actually discussed our relationship with her. He says it was more so her having preconceptions and so forth, but how can I believe him?!

 

I knew it was wrong to put spyware(listening to their damn conversations almost made me loose my mind!!). I removed it as soon as I told him I put it on. I don't know what their last conversation was about? He swore up and down it was him ending it, saying yes there was residual feelings but his allegiance was to his marriage?! She kept trying to tell him they could still be friends but he said it was a horrible idea to do that. He called me right after. He said he had to do it in order to get everything out of his mind and put an end to it.

 

I cant stop thinking that maybe he told her that he cared so much about her and that he wishes they could have been together?! Maybe it's easier for him to be with me because we are already married?! When I ask him about all thiis, he says why are you so paranoid, I love you, Im with you arent I?

 

I'm so angry at him, but I'm also SO ANGRY that this b*tch may think she has the power to sway or jeopardise my marriage!? She had the audacity to ask my husband for a 'secret' email they could communicate through!?

 

Don't get me wrong, I mainly blame HIM. Most of what I feel to her is ANGER and indignation that she thought she meant more to him than I did. Even though he stated that where it not for the bad state of our marriage, that things would never have progressed to the type of emotional affair that occured, IT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH!!!

 

*crazed woman panting*

[todreaminblue]

Hey thank you! I know my jealousy is becoming a problem, I can see how hard he is trying to make things work. I think my feelings stem from the horrible annoyance that he actually discussed our relationship with her. He says it was more so her having preconceptions and so forth, but how can I believe him?!

 

I knew it was wrong to put spyware(listening to their damn conversations almost made me loose my mind!!). I removed it as soon as I told him I put it on. I don't know what their last conversation was about? He swore up and down it was him ending it, saying yes there was residual feelings but his allegiance was to his marriage?! She kept trying to tell him they could still be friends but he said it was a horrible idea to do that. He called me right after. He said he had to do it in order to get everything out of his mind and put an end to it.

 

I cant stop thinking that maybe he told her that he cared so much about her and that he wishes they could have been together?! Maybe it's easier for him to be with me because we are already married?! When I ask him about all thiis, he says why are you so paranoid, I love you, Im with you arent I?

 

I'm so angry at him, but I'm also SO ANGRY that this b*tch may think she has the power to sway or jeopardise my marriage!? She had the audacity to ask my husband for a 'secret' email they could communicate through!?

 

Don't get me wrong, I mainly blame HIM. Most of what I feel to her is ANGER and indignation that she thought she meant more to him than I did. Even though he stated that where it not for the bad state of our marriage, that things would never have progressed to the type of emotional affair that occured, IT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH!!!

 

*crazed woman panting*

 

 

lol at least you still have your sense of humor crazed woman panting....smilin atcha.......that's a start.....

 

 

 

spy ware on the phone .....welllll...i am schizo affective i hate that crap....its invasive.......i live with true paranoia......voices hallucinations that sort of thing...and spying hacking into my computer makes me think that enemies i have made and or men who have been violent with me are tracking me.....i worry about my family..had an episode on here last year......i am glad you told him shows you have a good heart an honest one with a conscience.....

 

 

when my ex cheated on me ......i wondered what he said to the woman.....he was still sleeping with me nearly every night.........wasnt any change to our sex life.....it was still passionate...he was more distant and would get angry at me a lot...didnt wanto help me at all trying to manage th etribe.....i have five kids.....the emotional break is what hurts the most...thinking of them making an emotional connection hurt me deeply....i was invested in every way with him ..... so i know how that hurts when you wonder what is said.....

 

 

 

quite a few years ago i was a bit sick and i suggested the same thing to my ex who is with this new woman now and has been since we broke up...an email for us to communicate......didnt go through with it though.......was goign to try really hard to get him back...wont go into details......i changed my mind....i felt wrong and dirty.....so....i let it go...we are friends now......closer than we have been in a long time....but i dont physically have any contact with him.....because ......that passion......isnt something that should reignite......i dont have passion for him or a physical heat seeking longing any more....i was with him for fifteen years..i am glad about that passion no longer being around......drove me crazy.....havent sighted him since he left with a kiss to my forehead......and its best i dont

 

 

your husband cant see her anymore....and thats it......he isnt going to ....he wants to be with you and what she wants doesnt count...he is with you....

 

 

what really does make me think you are really truly going to make it.....is because you have your sense of humor....smilin.....luv it....lol.....you will be ok my loveshack panting crazily friend.....so will your marriage...she and she being the ex needs to stay out of it..or you may just rip her head off.....grinnin.....you do make me laugh thankyou i think i needed to......you helped me.....i wish you light love and hope for a bright and loving marriage.......;0)....keep smilin...i know you can..and forget her....go on a date night and pant for a different reason...you know how to make him remember why he is with you..no crazy panting now....i can tstop smilin...im giggling i am out..........lol.....hugs....deb

Edited September 3, 2013 by todreaminblue

[purplesoul]

thank you SO MUCH for your input. you can't imagine how much it helps. lol, i'm definitely trying to keep my wits about me. i hope we can make it, we are working on it. it's just the emotional connection that made me so miserable, that the connection was so deep that he LIED to me and it jeopardied us. but like you said, i really think we can make it, especially if i can get the inner crazed neanderthal that just wants to club both of them with a stick out of my mind!

it was funny( well now in retrospect) how he found out about my spying. after the first conversation i heard ( and on live, mind you), i called him up knowing he was with her in the car. gave him a crazy mouthful of expletives that would have my mom wondering where she went wrong raising me lol. i was like a gang member. he was trying to pacify me, and i knew she was pretending she wasnt there and i ended up screaming 'B*TCH I KNOW YOU ARE THERE, I'M COMING AFTER YOU"....lol....i never knew that side to me existed;)

hope you are well too, if you need any input from a current not so mad woman, will be more than happy to:) thanks again xoxo

[BetrayedH]

You husband had an emotional affair and only quit because he was caught and forced to make a decision. That's not paranoia on your part. Quit beating yourself up about the spyware. Frankly, that's what put an end to your husband's affair (if that's what really happened).

 

Reconciling after infidelity is a very difficult process and your husband doesn't have a clue about it if he expects you to be over it already. Normal recovery takes 2-5 years. Since this was a short-lived affair, you may be fortunate to have it a bit sooner rather than later. But rest assured, the big problem is exactly as you described it - he lied to you and emotionally bonded with another woman. You now know that he's capable of that. Trust is easily lost and hard to regain.

 

The key concept I think you need to grasp is "trust but verify." It's a delicate line to walk but it's absolutely standard in recovering from infidelity. And emotional affairs count, particularly moreso for women.

 

Keep reading and learning about affairs. You're just at the beginnig of this and both you and your H need to accept that it's going to be a long haul.

 

I suggest you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs To Know. That should help you get an understanding of what reconciliation and true remorse on the part of a wayward spouse looks like. Him expecting you to get over it is absolutely the wrong direction.

[purplesoul]

You husband had an emotional affair and only quit because he was caught and forced to make a decision. That's not paranoia on your part. Quit beating yourself up about the spyware. Frankly, that's what put an end to your husband's affair (if that's what really happened).

 

Reconciling after infidelity is a very difficult process and your husband doesn't have a clue about it if he expects you to be over it already. Normal recovery takes 2-5 years. Since this was a short-lived affair, you may be fortunate to have it a bit sooner rather than later. But rest assured, the big problem is exactly as you described it - he lied to you and emotionally bonded with another woman. You now know that he's capable of that. Trust is easily lost and hard to regain.

 

The key concept I think you need to grasp is "trust but verify." It's a delicate line to walk but it's absolutely standard in recovering from infidelity. And emotional affairs count, particularly moreso for women.

 

Keep reading and learning about affairs. You're just at the beginnig of this and both you and your H need to accept that it's going to be a long haul.

 

I suggest you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs To Know. That should help you get an understanding of what reconciliation and true remorse on the part of a wayward spouse looks like. Him expecting you to get over it is absolutely the wrong direction.

 

You are absolutely right. What I cannot seem to get over is, would this have continued if not for my discovery? He swears it would have died, that it was just the excitement of seeing each other after so long. I ask him if he is certain, he says he can't be certain but at this present moment that's what he knows to be true.

I'm going to read that post. I think he knows it'll take me a long time to get over this emotional betrayal. The 'what ifs' just keep swimming through my mind. He told me I could keep the spyware on his phone if I needed to, but I said no. What would be the point?

Initially it was VERY difficult for him to discuss this as I kept crying and getting into rages throughout the days. However, I think now he understands that this is something he needs to accept. I see he's really trying but I also know it'll take me a long time to trust this won't happen again. And a long time to wishing adult acne or something on his ex-ea haha:sick:

 

Thanks!

[BetrayedH]

Do what you can to focus less on the other woman and more on your husband. The fact is that your husband had the choice to either fix the marriage or leave it. Those were the ethical choices before him. He chose not to do one of those but to play single while he was married. He minimizes the affair because it was brief and stopped before it went physical. But he was actively cheating by having secret meetings with her and discussing your marriage with her. That's textbook about how physical affairs start. And I would have little confidence that it would have stopped without your intervention, particularly with her interest in secret email accounts and such. Sex was around the corner and your husband showed no signs of having appropriate boundaries with her.

 

He chose door #3 instead of one of the two ethical choices. It's imperative that he figure out "why" he made that choice. It's not ethical; it's not logical (was it going to solve your marital issues?); it's certainly a destructive choice; and I would bet he would say that it goes against his own standards. So why on Earth would he made such an unethical, illogical, and destructive decision that goes against his own moral standards? I'll give you a clue: it has nothing to do with you, your marital problems, or the other woman. It has everything to do with him.

 

Cheating is a destructive coping mechanism. In my experience, that wayward thought process stems from either extreme conflict avoidance, an excessive need for external validation, or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Many times there's a combination of these. And it typically is something that was developed during his childhood via his family of origin (FOO). He needs to figure out his personal "why." If he better understands why he would make this unethical, illogical, destructive, and immoral choice (rather than fixing the marriage or leaving it), then he might have a better chance at avoiding the use of this coping mechanism in the future and you will feel less likely to suffer a repeat performance.

 

That means individual counseling for him. He needs to be introspective enough to own his decision and change so that he can be trusted. I actually recommend avoiding marriage counseling in the short term because that emphasizes too much the marital problems that existed. Don't accept that blameshifting. You were in the same unhappy marriage and yet didn't cheat.

 

On a side note, I think you might want to reconsider maintaining some level of surveillance. Your husband needs to be fully transparent to rebuild trust. This is a natural consequence of his actions. In a marriage, privacy is meant for the bathroom. Ask him to agree to you keeping tabs on him without sharig your methods. If he knows them, he can just circumvent them and this does nothing for you. But if you are free to investigate and find nothing, you BOTH win.

 

For what it's worth, I'm with Deb on her early prognosis of being hopeful. You do still have your wits about you and your husband doesn't seem resistant to doing what's necessary. I think you both just need to learn what reconciliation looks like. It's not like the movies where someone cheats and both parties learn that it was a mistake, that they love each other, and move on. It's a long narrow path with landmines on both sides. But rest assured, successful reconciliations can and do happen.

[waterwoman]

You are absolutely right. What I cannot seem to get over is, would this have continued if not for my discovery? He swears it would have died, that it was just the excitement of seeing each other after so long. I ask him if he is certain, he says he can't be certain but at this present moment that's what he knows to be true.

 

I sympathise.

 

I found out by accident. The EA had 'ended' about a week before but as they were still texting each other hundreds of times a day I am not sure that my definition of the word is the same as theirs....

 

And one of the things that haunted me most was the feeling that if I hadn't found out, it would still be going on. H was honest enough to say that he didn't know what would have happened in that case. He refuses to deal in hypotheticals - sensible I am sure but harder when you are in our position. However with time you have to learn to not worry about what might have happened. I am almost there - it still stabs me to the heart from time to time but I have learned to mostly shrug and think of something more interesting and important (like the laundry or watching paint dry ).

 

I am a depressive. So I guess in many ways we are in a similar place. The irony is that living with a depressive might be part of the rationale for reaching out for someone else in an affair. You feel responsible for 'driving them' to it. But it also makes it so hard to be rational and positive after the event when you need to be strong, grown-up and think calmly and rationally. I can honestly say that recovering and reconciling have been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

[ChooseTruth]

Yes, I agree with BH. Don't sweat the spyware. When dealing with someone who just breached trust you have to verify what they are saying is true for a while, until you feel satisfied things are safe again. Otherwise how can you feel safe? Also people lie so much after affairs. I had almost given up on spying 4 months into our reconciliation until I discovered one night she had been lying that whole time and things were much worse than I had imagined. I have no guilt over that. I needed to know and that was my only path to the truth. There shouldn't really be secrets in marriage anyway.

 

It would also drive me crazy if they were working together. They are in the same building? Same floor? Do they interact? If so that would concern me. People quit jobs over this kind of stuff.

[Coolit]

He needs to unfriend her on FB. I won't go ad far as saying blocking because we each have a dif. Opinion of when to block. But definitely unfriend. But if you are spending too much energy fb stalking her you probably should block her.

[purplesoul]

betrayedH. you are so very wise. thank you

waterwoman, coolit, and choose truth, also thank you. yours words really touched me. ive been so alone and too ashamed to speak of this to anyone that your words really helped me.

he really is trying so hard. previously all i did was question him and i guess that gets exhausting. we've been good for a while but today i went out with some friends and he picked me up and suddenly i got SO ANGRY.

i am so angry because i dont know what he said to her on closing. did he tell her he loved her but it couldnt work?! i kept asking him does she know I AM THE ONE YOU LOVE and it all meant nothing. he kept saying he knows and understands my anger, what can he do? how can he help me?

I DONT KNOW!

waterwoman, i totally feel your case. im a major depressive and i know or at least can sympathize it's hard to live with that. but bloody h*ll did it have to be his ex?!

i hate her. i dont even know her. its so illogical. im not this person. but her THINKING for one second she means more to my husband than me makes me SO ANGRY. im crazy all over the place. parts of me wishes he just f*cked some random girl instead of the emotional affair.

he swears he doesnt care, he's so sorry, he ended it with her and it was necessary to see her to tell her its done, whatever it was is done. she wanted more, he said no. he said he's done.

it doesnt satisfy me. can i be honest? i want her to hurt. i want her to know she is f**king **** to him. believe me, i hold him more responsible. i really do. but im only human. he tells me he told her he loves me and things got too much. im just so angry over the whole thing because she was an EX and they work in SAME F**KING building!!!! however on same note, how can i FORBID him from talking/running into her. that would give her more power.

ARGHHH$$@@%%%% !

we are doing so well, and i know my husband would do anything to make me feel better. but how DO I FORGET?! and how can i get over my anger towards her thinking she could sway our marriage??? he would delete her if i asked but its SO SICK but part of me doesnt want to delete it so she can see how happy we are(will be!)

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[todreaminblue]

thank you SO MUCH for your input. you can't imagine how much it helps. lol, i'm definitely trying to keep my wits about me. i hope we can make it, we are working on it. it's just the emotional connection that made me so miserable, that the connection was so deep that he LIED to me and it jeopardied us. but like you said, i really think we can make it, especially if i can get the inner crazed neanderthal that just wants to club both of them with a stick out of my mind!

it was funny( well now in retrospect) how he found out about my spying. after the first conversation i heard ( and on live, mind you), i called him up knowing he was with her in the car. gave him a crazy mouthful of expletives that would have my mom wondering where she went wrong raising me lol. i was like a gang member. he was trying to pacify me, and i knew she was pretending she wasnt there and i ended up screaming 'B*TCH I KNOW YOU ARE THERE, I'M COMING AFTER YOU"....lol....i never knew that side to me existed;)

hope you are well too, if you need any input from a current not so mad woman, will be more than happy to:) thanks again xoxo

 

 

hahhahahahahahahahaha this..................'B*TCH I KNOW YOU ARE THERE, I'M COMING AFTER YOU"....lol....i never knew that side to me existed;)....ahem........

 

 

i think i turned everythign internal and against me so i had to be hospitalized............smilin....probably would have helped em to yell this out when she answered the phone when i found the number....instead she coldly said no i dotn know a ....(insert his name) and i said oh ok sorry to trouble you.and she was freaking sleeping with him..how pathetically retarded of me..lol...i should have said i know where you live i am going to toilet paper your house....that would have scared her off........smilin.....no....i shoudl have said hey biatch i can kick box you know, never actually used it against a woman gonna make you my first if you dont back the f off...smilin.....nah i said sorry to trouble you.....retarded i will always be

 

 

your posts make me smile you have guts....lol....ahem i am giggling....no wonder your husband loves you you are awesome....smilin.......i was happy to come and read another post from you off now to trawl loveshack adn try and be serious gotta feeling i am goign to fail and end up laughing when i shouldnt..... ....gigglinnnn....bitch i know your there...lol...inner crazed neanderthal with a club ok i am going to wet myself.....huge hugs to ya...you rock..........deb

Edited September 3, 2013 by todreaminblue

[waterwoman]

Purple, I know, believe me I know! I am a nice girl,honest, but there were times at first when if I could have had her struck by lightning just be clicking my fingers I'd have been sorely tempted!! I knew it wasn't logical, I knew it was HIS fault but logic had f##k all to do with it. Now I don't feel that way - I might from time to time wish her to suffer a mildly embarrassing case of flatulence or a spot on the end of her nose, but no sudden dramatic death

 

The sense of betrayal is complete when you are ill already. I needed him so much at the time, but my depression made it seem like I hated him and pushed him away. But he played the part of KISA for her. That hurt. All I ever wanted was for him too see my desperate need and swoop in and make it all go away. It will always hurt I guess but it's just another thing that has to be left behind and forgotten. It can be done, I am part way there.