His wife gave birth in March, the same month I got pregnant

[ouchithurts]

Let me first say the reason I am posting here is because I want married women to tell me what I should do. PLEASE don't bash me,,,I know the pain I've caused. I have no self esteem or pride left and remember I am pregnant, so go easy on me...I just need advice. I was involved with a married man for six months. His wife gave birth in March, the same month I got pregnant. I told him. He demanded I get an abortion. After two weeks of guiltrips, manipulation, etc. I moved far away. Sometimes he calls and its the same thing. Sometimes he calls and says he will want to see the child. He wont tell his wife until the child is born, thats his choice. I guess my question is should I allow him to sign over his parental rights so she wont ever have to know? I really need the help as far as money, but I can provide all the essentials. I don't want to hurt this women at all. My friends say I should have told her along time ago, but that feels wrong. It still hurts- the rejection, but I have no feelings for him at all except dissapointment. He is such a coward, but I'm no better.

[Matilda]

Well, I'll tell you what I think, I'm not sure this is the way she would think.

 

If my husband cheated on me, and the OW got pregnant, I feel the most important thing would be for him to do the right thing by the child he made. My feelings as the wife would come second to his duty to his child.

 

I'm not saying I would be happy about the situation, but I feel the morally right thing for both of us, as husband and wife, would be to acknowledge the child and for him to take care of it. As far as I am concerned he needs to take responsibility for what he has done.

 

I have no idea how you would go about handling this issue in reality though.

 

I do think you should do whatever will be best for your child. Not what would be easiest for you or your MM.

[supermom]

I am a married woman and a mom and would like to first and foremost give you props for not having the abortion.

 

If it were my husband, first I would want to speak to the OW, and I would be happy she didn't abort the child, because, #1 I hate it when it is used as a form of birth control.

 

I don't know, I would probably leave him, but I would also consider the fact that this child would be my daughter's brother or sister, and I wouldn't want to take that away from her.

 

I think that you should tell his wife. It would be more of a BOMB to her if the child was already here, like saying "by the way honey, I have another child that is here now!" If she is prepared, then #1, she'll be mad at first, but will have more time to cool off and #2, you would like her to be able to cool off, because if it turned out that the kids would have a relationship, you wouldn't want her taking it out on your child.

 

It is too bad you got caught up in this situation. If he wants to sign parental rights away, it's your decision, but I wouldnt because I would want that child support, which you will definetly need. If he signed his parental rights away, he would get off with out paying a penny.

 

I hope that all goes well with you and this is the last mm you date.....

[julsfla]

I agree, again, good for you for choosing to have your child. It is an innocent party to all of this.

 

I have to say, as a wife, and mother, I would definitely want to be told, as soon as possible. I would not like it at all, but the mother side of me is all about the happiness of our children, and their needs come first and foremost before ours. Your child deserves to know both parents, all siblings and not to mention aunts, uncles and grandparents. Your child also deserves to be at least supported financially by its father. It is his responsibility. I am sure he knew that you getting pregnant could be a possibility.

 

It is a difficult decision to make, and you are so overly sensitive right now. The most important thing to keep in mind when deciding what you will do, is that baby! You may want to hold off on your decision to allow him to sign his rights away until after the little one is born. I would not want to make that decision in haste.

 

I truly wish you the best and hope you can find your answer soon.

[honey2005]

If my husband was cheating on me, I know I would want to know. She deserves to know the truth, and signing over the parental rights to hide it from her isnt' gonna help things at all. What happens next time he cheats on her? Is he just going to keep hiding these things from her? It's not right.

[blindsided]

This issue is just up my alley! I am going through the same thing, but I am the wife. I found out about the affair while I was going through breast cancer treatment. We have been married 19 years and have three children, the oldest is 14. We have had a great marriage and we are great friends. I am still trying to figure out why this happened. We are trying to work it out. The baby is due in a few months.

 

I think no one will ever know what they would really do until they are in the situation themselves. I think people would like to believe they would be noble and caring, but they may not. His wife needs to know. She has the right to know. Her husband should tell her. But don't expect any sympathy from her........at all! She has a new baby and it should be a wonderful time for her and your baby is a spoiler.

 

Don't have him sign away his rights......take the money, you will need it (unless you are considering putting the baby up for adoption--which I recommend). It sounds like he may not be the type who will take financial responsibility. Get an attorney right away to file for child support. You will likely be required to take a paternity test. If he won't tell his wife, the child support papers will.

 

The baby deserves two loving parents. But if he and his wife are going to try and fix their marriage and be with their baby, don't expect it to be him!! His wife and child should not have to be part of your life. And why would you want to be part of theirs? You and your baby will be a constant reminder of the betrayal. And that is not good for anyone involved.

 

If you haven't feelings for him, as you say, that makes it easier for you. You can leave and find someone who will love you and want to be with you. The wife has to stay behind and make sense of the mess or divorce with a newborn.

 

Sorry I am not more sympathetic. Be practical.

[Mr Spock]

I'm just curious-why do you reccomend she give the child up for adoption?

[ouchithurts]

Thank you all for the advice. It seems that you all agree on one thing- tell his wife. I just feel its not my place, also, that would give him a real reason to hate me, in which case he may take it out on the child. In a perfect world his wife would forgive him and she would see this child as her children's brother or sister, we all know that wont work, as one of you pointed out it will be a constant reminder to her. However practical adoption would seem I already have a child, a beautiful son, as a mother try to imagine giving up a child after already having one. This is his sibling. If I did tell her how would I do it? What would I say?

[Matilda]

I think, it is so hard to know the best way to handle this, that I would give him the opportunity to tell her. Something like, "I will give you one month to tell your wife, if you haven't told her by this date, I will tell her." He should really be the one to do it I think.

 

If you have to be the one to do it, I don't know what would be the best way to do it. Maybe some of the the folks that have actually been in that situation have some ideas.

[CurlyIam]

No amount of money is enough for your child. It seems to me you're thinking more of the father and of his well being than of your baby. You are first and foremost a mother.

 

You decided he's not gonna play a role in his/her life. That's your right, but don't deprive him/her of the means of having a nice life. Not your baby.

 

So just file the papers and go on with your life. No warning, no nothing. He's out of your life, right? Well, act that way and think of your baby's best interest.

[HokeyReligions]

Never really been in that situation. The closest I can relate is when I was pregnant the first time my husband and I discussed adoption and abortion. I am 110% against abortion and I wanted to keep my baby, but my husband didn't want kids. It was then that he told me that his prior gf/fiancee had been pregnant with his child and had an abortion for which he paid. Now, they had been broken up before I came along--but it just floored me. I know I couldn't be jealous because there was no infidelity, but it really upset and hurt me that he was so casual about abortion. This is one area where we absolutly were on opposite sides of the fence. My thoughts went to the lost baby, not the relationship that he had with her. (He ended up being a great dad BTW)

 

Had we been married and he was unfaithful I believe that I would have been even more hurt and disgusted at the betrayal---and I would have probably stayed with him for a while, if for no other reason then because I needed support and I wanted my baby to have her father, and I would want to make him suffer! (I can be vindictive if I've been hurt)

 

In any case - I would want to know. Ideally I would want him to tell me -- even if he just left me a note to read on my own and said he would come back in a few hours -- or handed me a note and said "read it, then call me when you are ready to talk" . If I had to find out when I saw a court judgement and money disappearing from the bank account to pay child support I would be furious and hurt, but I would STILL want to know.

[meagara]

Do you really want your child to grow up knowing that his/her father is a scumbag, and that he was married and that you where the other woman? They will eventually ask about the father. Should have thought hard about your situation, it must be a tough spot to be in. Hope you can get out of it without hurting anyone else. I still fail to understand the motives of the other woman!!!!

[ouchithurts]

Okay. Slow down. Think about this. First of all the comment that I am putting his well being before my child, did you read the part where I said he did everything to try to get me to have an abortion? This man tried to kill my child, when I wouldnt do it he told me he would pray every night that I lose the baby. Its his wife that stays on my mind and conscience, not him. Next, do I want my child to know it was rejected by its father who was married? NO. But I dont have a lot of options, all I know to do is provide all the love I possibly can and hope that someday the child will forgive me. I love this child and want it, and I will be sure to remind him/her of that when the time comes. As far as the other womens motive, I cant speak for them all, but in my case there was no motive, that would have required some form of thought, I didnt think obviously. Look, im really young, I have not lived long enough to handle this in a mature way, I am trying to do the right thing in a wrong situation. I am not looking for sympathy or even understanding, I just need some good advice.

[Matilda]

Ouch, I understand, you have made a very big mistake, and now you are trying to do the best you can with the situation you have. You are on the right track.

 

I made a big mistake in marrying my first husband, who was abusive, and then got pregnant. Even today, I wonder how I could have been so stupid to marry that man. But, you go on, and try to make better decisions, and try to live a better life.

 

I know I will continue to make mistakes in my life, but hopefully I won't keep making the same ones.

[Mr Spock]

I'm not against abortion. You don't sound ready to take care of yourself, much less a baby. I wouldn't rule abortion out. Please stay away from this man. Get a restraining order if you have to.

 

(No turning this into a pro choice pro life debate!! You won't change my mind, and I won't change yours!!)

[kirkyswife]

I'm not against abortion either but whatever you decide you have to be okay with the fact that he is not going to be a constant in your child's life. Since he's suggested signing over his parental rights that's fine with regard to custody but does not negate his financial responsibility. The law says both parents are financially responsible for the child, no matter who actually has legal or physical custody. So he must think he's going to be able to hide this from his wife forever. I don't know what state you live in but you can't hide a baby in the state of California because they do not play when it comes to Child Support. They extradite you from other states, they suspend your license, garnish a father and his wife's wages, attach bank accounts, repo cars - Oh California is the nightmare state for Baby Daddies.

 

At this point I think you should look at this situation with ONLY your feelings and what's best for your unborn child at heart. If I were in your shoes I would begin the process of establishing paternity and start the child support process in my 2nd trimester - that can help you get housing, baby furniture, and start stocking up on the essentials. Also, I would establish a bank account where he can deposit funds on a monthly basis and contact is limited - to ensure that your pregnancy is as pressure free as possible. 3rd trimester you need to begin researching daycare and mentally preparing yourself the greatest project of your life - I'd suggest counseling during your pregnancy to deal with the loss of your MM and the birth of a little person who will more than likely remind you of him on a daily basis.

 

Once your child is born, the MM needs to sign the correct forms ensuring his name is added to the birth certificate - the baby deserves that respect. At that time he can sign over parental rights, but a child support order will be established at that time. As for his sneaky, deceitful behavior - "whatever happens in the dark ALWAYS comes to light" and if she doesn't already suspect, his wife is going to know about your child and honestly, that's the MM's issue and you should not be harassed by her regardless of your participation in the affair.

 

Most important of all - the decision on whether or not to keep your child is yours and no one has the right to tell you what to do with your body. All I can stress is be prepared for the consequences of that decision and realize that you are going it alone. You have some very tough decisions ahead of you and seeking the advice of a counselor might help you sort out your feelings will be the key to making the most logical decision for YOU.

 

Take care of yourself and your baby and forgive yourself so that you can find happiness!

 

Be blessed!

[Beez]

HI,

 

You have a pretty big decision to make. You have already made the wrong choice by getting involved with a married man, I suggest you make the right choice for your child and make the father of this child be responsible for this baby and for the affair. The problems he is going to have to face up to with his wife is not your problem, the baby and the babies needs is the only thing you need to worry about! I hope this site helps you as much as it helps us

[jmsdmom]

Your first responsibility is to the baby. Do not listen to him, he is only out to save his own hide, and he needs to get caught. His wife needs to know what is going on, because believe me, she knows something. Do not talk to the wife, do not bother the mother of his other children, but that man needs to take responsibility, unless you have a prince charming lying around that would step into the father role.

 

Besides, in most states, like here in Colorado, you cannot give up parental rights without a step-parent to take them over.

 

My husband confessed to me in January that he had a mistress and she was pregnant. The baby is due this month. My husband and I are currently separated, but are working towards reconciliation, however, I will not be with a man that does not take care of his children. Additionally, I intend on being a part of this child's life, and if the mistress doesn't like that, she shouldn't have had sex with a MM.

 

By insisting on the well being of your child, you win. In the end, the father knows it is the right thing to do. As the wife, I say, take care of your child.

[justdontunderstand]

I am not here to bash you, but as a woman who is going through the same thing, with the exception that it happened before we were married, while engaged and I was 8 months pregnant with our youngest child, I must speak my mind. I didn't find out about the woman or the child until last October (4 years later), 3 years into our marriage.

 

I'm not even going to go through the topic of you messing with a married man, because you sound as if you are remorseful, which doesn't undo the damage, but at least makes you human. However, I can't and don't have any sympathy for your situation because I feel it could have been avoided.

 

My problem is this... you having this child in my opinion automatically reduces the chances of he or she having a normal, happy life. I say this because, it's evident that the married man did not want you to have this child. It's obvious that once his wife finds out, she's not going to be especially ecstatic about the idea either. You in turn will become one of the statistical single mothers out here struggling to make it through day by day, which is unfair considering there were 2 parties involved not one. This child is going to be born into an already broken family where her father never wanted her to be, without having the opportunity of having 2 loving parents to raise her, and will then have to learn the devastating situation of how she came to be. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be happy about it if it were me. Knowing from my husbands point of view, he doesn't want this child and secretly wishes he could make her disappear, but on the other hand knows its not her fault and will do the right thing.

 

Me... well, I'm trying to be mature about it, but its very hard, because I don't know if I'd ever be able to look at this child as "our child" but rather his child. Not to mention she is a constant reminder of what he did to me and it hurts like hell. I can't evenly verbally explain to you how much it hurts and the physical sickness I've experienced with dealing with this. The first time I heard her call him Daddy, I almost vomited right then and there. I have 2 other children, and most likely, your baby will grow up being jealous of his or her other siblings because they get to live with Daddy all the time and wonders why they cant. This child will probably grow up feeling like the odd-man-out and not a complete part of her fathers life and may even feel that his or her father loves his other children more. He or she will wonder why they have a different mommy, and why is it that they can live with both their parents and they cant. There are so many psychological problems that are possible with this situation that it's ridiculous. And while the child is innocent, the mother and father aren't.

 

However, it's obvious have already made the choice to have the baby, and I won't condemn you for that, because you have that right. I still wonder why the other woman in my case chose to have the baby, because their affair was very brief and he had broken things off with her and made it clear that he wanted nothing more to do with her before she even found out she was pregnant, and way before I even knew about it. But be prepared for a long and hard road. I hope that the father is part of the child's life, but know that it may not be the involvement that you want or he or she needs. I am not excusing him because he is just as much at fault, if not more for the situation created. For instance, there are a lot of things that my husband does NOT do out of fear of upsetting or losing me. It is very hard for me, but I am a mother, and as a mother, I know the child deserves a father, and I would leave my husband before letting him ignore the child's existence or half-take care of her. And because I am not sure it's something I can deal with, I have entertained and even talked to him about leaving at times. I still think about it on a daily basis.

 

You are just going to have to be strong, and maybe even prepare yourself to be a single mother, because whether his wife stays or goes... he will have a hard time accepting this part of his life. One because it will hurt his wife and children and two, because if he loses his wife, even though he knows its his own fault, that child is a constant reminder of that. I do agree his wife deserves to know... whether she finds out from you or him. It would be great if it were him, but we all know that men are cowards when it comes to things of this nature. I found out through the other woman. And honestly, I don't think it makes it any less painful coming from either of you, so do what you have to do. If he gets mad, who cares, but even more-so than you, I certainly have no sympathy for him. He was the one that was married.

[SoleMate]

It's a tough situation, but in my mind the answers are quite easy if you think about it from the child's perspective. If you go ahead and give birth to this baby and don't choose adoption, then you will need to establish paternity and child support from the biofather. That is what is BEST for the child. You have no obligation to tell his wife and I don't advise you to. Let the MM deal with that - or not - as he chooses. Telling her would be very hard on you - as in lots of screaming, insults, anger and hatred - and it frankly is not your role in any way. Getting mixed up with her husband was bad enough, but picking up the phone and getting into her life even more just compounds the problem.

 

Like some other posters, I just don't see it as realistic that her biofather should be in her life in a parental role. He doesn't sound up to it. The ideal would be if you could find a REAL man in the next few years to build a life with, and your child could look up to HIM as "Daddy".

 

By insisting on the well being of your child, you win. In the end, the father knows it is the right thing to do. As the wife, I say, take care of your child.

 

Very well put, I couldn't say it better myself. There is lots of good advice for you in this thread. Bottom line: Take care of the baby properly and you will have your hands FULL, may God grant that it takes your mind off of your other problems like loss of the MM (and also the pain of realizing that he was so unworthy).

[shortbus74]

God I feel so sorry that in this day and age people really have to deal with such heart wrenching thing of this nature....

 

My heart goes out to everyone here that has been betrayed... If I could wave a magic wand and make everything better I would..... (sorry for being sappy...PMS)

[Naive]

You made the best decision by having your baby! Now I think you should tell his wife. I feel that she has to know if you wait it will only be worse. If he wants to be in the baby's life I say go for it, but if he does not then there's always child support!

[amzgmanda]

The choice to have this baby is your and yours alone!!! Be smart and know that one way or other the wife will find out. So I say that you should file for child support and go from there. Remember that your child deserves to know his/her other family...if thats an option. I was a child without my father and my mom did just fine. As I became an adult I developed my relationship wth my father. But my mom never discourged it!!!! Hopefully, your child will that opportunity.

 

As for having him sign over parental rights....since you are not married to him he has none (legally) until he goes to court to fight for it. HE has to sign Parental Aknowlegement papers when the child is born.In doing this he is stating his is the father. I'm guessing he won't !But....If you file for child support,which you should do, He will have to prove he is the father by dna testing. You may want to let this be the way the wife finds out...you don't know how this will end up...keep you and your baby safe. As a wife, I would want to know if my man had other children NO MATTER when it occured. GOOD LUCK.