Goodbye Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I was curious about this after reading a thread on the OW/OM section. Did any BS's find out about your partners affair AFTER it had ended? Even a significant amount of time after? How did it happen? In another thread, someone was wondering the likelihood of an AP settling back into a marriage if there wasn't a d day. I wonder if one can ever really "settle" back in if there hasn't been disclosure, or if he/she is constantly looking over his shoulder.
BHsigh Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I was curious about this after reading a thread on the OW/OM section. Did any BS's find out about your partners affair AFTER it had ended? Even a significant amount of time after? How did it happen? In another thread, someone was wondering the likelihood of an AP settling back into a marriage if there wasn't a d day. I wonder if one can ever really "settle" back in if there hasn't been disclosure, or if he/she is constantly looking over his shoulder. I found out about my WW's A after it ended, but to be fair I suspected it during and even confronted during but was gaslighted into believing that everything was ok between us. I finally found enough evidence and forced a confession three months after their A ended. Our marriage was horrible during those 3 months, it was actually better during the A if you can believe that. We were definitely heading toward divorce before the final DDay. A big part of this was that she was "chasing" her ex AP, because POSOM was the one that broke off the A, three times in all. So in my situation, no, there was no way that my WW was going to just "settle" back into our marriage without a lot of ignoring on my part.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I found out about his serial cheating more than a year after he stopped. I already knew about one woman he had cheated on me with "one time", that I had broken up with him over, and had given him a second chance after much agonizing.
Confused48 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 You should read the thread that was active until very recently entitled, "Found out wife cheated 7 years ago." The OP was a guy that went by, "ISayWhoa." On Dday my WS claimed that the A had been over for a few weeks. But then looking back over the texts and emails from the time of the A I was able to see that WS had tried to end it with AP several times. They were apart and not intending to become active again on several occasions. WS was always either won back by AP or missed AP enough to start up again. WS said this last time it was different but I doubt it. WS pined for AP after Dday for some time. I think WS believes the last break up would have been permanent even without Dday but I think WS is wrong about that. 2
Owl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Peruse the ongoing threads here on the infidelity side, and you'll see a couple where this occurred. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404837-found-out-wife-cheated-7-years-ago Is one that comes immediately to mind. It happens.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I was curious about this after reading a thread on the OW/OM section. Did any BS's find out about your partners affair AFTER it had ended? Even a significant amount of time after? How did it happen? In another thread, someone was wondering the likelihood of an AP settling back into a marriage if there wasn't a d day. I wonder if one can ever really "settle" back in if there hasn't been disclosure, or if he/she is constantly looking over his shoulder. My wife had a 3 month long affair in 1999 and ended it without a d-day. She confessed to me 8 years later. She ended the affair out of guilt and the stress it put her under. She rug-swept it and "settled" back into the marriage. My wife and her AP both moved to separate cities soon after the affair had ended. I don't think she was looking over her shoulder, but being pricked by all of the guilt pangs caused by triggers. For example, I always told her "You're the best". Every time I said that it was a reminder for her that she cheated on me. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I was curious about this after reading a thread on the OW/OM section. Did any BS's find out about your partners affair AFTER it had ended? Even a significant amount of time after? How did it happen? In another thread, someone was wondering the likelihood of an AP settling back into a marriage if there wasn't a d day. I wonder if one can ever really "settle" back in if there hasn't been disclosure, or if he/she is constantly looking over his shoulder. I'm sure for those lacking a conscience, they could settle back in. For everyone else, doubtful. If I hadn't come clean, I'd be paranoid regularly, until such a time as it was found out. I didn't want to go down that road, though. There have been some cases where the BS finds out long after the affair has ended. In this forum in fact, there was a thread about the BS finding out his wife cheated-seven years after the fact. I'm sure you probably saw it, at some point. 2
Bittersweetie Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I was curious about this after reading a thread on the OW/OM section. Did any BS's find out about your partners affair AFTER it had ended? Even a significant amount of time after? How did it happen? In another thread, someone was wondering the likelihood of an AP settling back into a marriage if there wasn't a d day. I wonder if one can ever really "settle" back in if there hasn't been disclosure, or if he/she is constantly looking over his shoulder. I told my H about 4-5 months after the A ended. I'd been thinking about telling him but was afraid of the consequences. Then my yearly OB-GYN appointment happened and I told him what I did. Now I truly believe that a marriage/WS cannot fully recover if the truth isn't told. There would always be something huge between you...which is the opposite of building trust and intimacy. 3
SidLyon Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) I was curious about this after reading a thread on the OW/OM section. Did any BS's find out about your partners affair AFTER it had ended? Even a significant amount of time after? How did it happen? In another thread, someone was wondering the likelihood of an AP settling back into a marriage if there wasn't a d day. I wonder if one can ever really "settle" back in if there hasn't been disclosure, or if he/she is constantly looking over his shoulder. My H had an A lasting more than 3 years. My d-day was several years after the A ended. When the A ended my WH thought to himself that he would recommit to me and our marriage, but of course without a d-day that didn't happen, or if it did it didn't last very long. He continued to "fish" with the OW and eventually joined a dating website, from which he tried to find a new AP. I gather that the OW had more or less gone NC with my fWH, but then in early 2008 (3 years after the A ended) she contacted him out of the blue and invited him to lunch (on Valentine's day). This was about the time that she commenced an A with another MM. A few months later her BH died and she again contacted my H. After that, a family member of ours died in circumstances very similar to the circs in which the BH died. This was just a coincidence but it basically sent my H off the rails. D day for me, followed a week after our brother-in-law's funeral, nearly 5 years ago. I caught him on a dating website, hacked into his profile and then into a secret e-mail account where I found out "everything". I guessed his password on the 3rd attempt. I had no idea and was completely blindsided and devastated. It was the day before my final exams that year for my law degree and to this day I still have no idea how I managed. From my own experience I agree it would be difficult to settle back into a marriage after an A ends without a d-day. It certainly didn't happen in our case, as much intimacy had gone, and there was little honesty. After d-day decisions had to be made by both of us, and despite my devastation my H knew I wasn't going to be "stayed with" for any reasons other than that we loved each other, wanted to be together and to have a "true" marriage. At that stage we didn't know about the other MM she was having an A with, so my H believed that he could probably be with the newly widowed Oksana if he wanted. The e-mails between them showed she was trying to get him to leave me. She told him if he didn't leave, then she had a number of others who would. We didn't believe it at the time, but the other MM left his own BW and family a few weeks after our d-day. Edited August 7, 2013 by SidLyon 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 How did you find out? Something was just wrong and it was driving me nuts, because nothing was wrong. I can't explain it. I wasn't snooping, I wasn't even suspicious, really. I was definitely more wary of him than any other guy I've ever been with- he had cheated on me once. No one else ever had. I've never cheated, and I'm a trusting person by nature, so by wary I mean I had doubts about him as a long term prospect, I wasn't ready to marry the guy, but I wasn't living in a state of paranoia and anxiety either. As far as I knew at the time(may 2013) it really was just that one incident, well over a year ago, and things were going really well between us. There were no odd things, he never locked or guarded his phone, wasnt where he said he was, or displayed any other cheater-indicating behavior. I wasnt looking for it either. We were having a lot of fun together. One day I saw a text convo on his phone, on the kitchen counter in plain view- and for some reason it BOTHERED the living hell out of me. I had no evidence, proof, valid reason to be suspicious of it, nothing- just an odd recurring feeling that I was tired of having, and this one text provoked it. And that was that. I trusted my "intuition" and started asking questions- once I uncovered a few lies, I figured my gut was right and there must be something really bad going on here- I went on an interrogation rampage, lie by lie, until I got the truth. It took a solid week.
Confused48 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 After that, a family member of ours died in circumstances very similar to the circs in which the BH died. This was just a coincidence but it basically sent my H off the rails. D day for me, followed a week after our brother-in-law's funeral, nearly 5 years ago. Some people believe there is no such thing as a coincidence.
SidLyon Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Some people believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. I'm sure some people do believe this. Are you implying you don't believe it was a coincidence? If so I'd be interested in knowing why you think this.
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I honestly had not read this thread carefully enough, or I would have realized Confused48 and Owl had already brought up ISayWhoa's thread in reference to your question, Goodbye. My bad.
Confused48 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I'm sure some people do believe this. Are you implying you don't believe it was a coincidence? If so I'd be interested in knowing why you think this. Believing that there are NO coincidences is a powerful thing. It is religious. Are you religious or spiritual?
SidLyon Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Believing that there are NO coincidences is a powerful thing. It is religious. Are you religious or spiritual? I'm not at all religious. My belief is that there are some coincidences, and in this particular instances the deaths of the two men were unrelated, ie they were a coincidence. Other times there are things that occur that are definitely not coincidences even if people cannot explain them. I'm not sure what people's philosophical/religious/spiritual beliefs about coincidences have to do with this thread, but am happy to discuss, if for some reason you think that the deaths of the BH (of the OW) and the death of my BIL were somehow not a coincidence. However, if it's just some philosophical discussion about whether or not coincidences ever occur, then perhaps save it for a more suitable forum.
krazikat Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I was curious about this after reading a thread on the OW/OM section. Did any BS's find out about your partners affair AFTER it had ended? Even a significant amount of time after? How did it happen? In another thread, someone was wondering the likelihood of an AP settling back into a marriage if there wasn't a d day. I wonder if one can ever really "settle" back in if there hasn't been disclosure, or if he/she is constantly looking over his shoulder. I was one who commented on that thread about dday happening after the A ended. It was a few months after the A "officially ended" but my husband had remained in contact with ow. He tried to settle back into M as if no A had happened but that didn't go as planned for him. He did come clean after initially denying. He admitted length (over 4 years! which blew my mind!) OW would initially not admit anything other than being friends, but all it took was a few strategic comments for me to get her to react (I asked if she normally effed with married men or if this was a first for her, because I just wanted her to know my husband and I lived like a married couple in EVERY way, and I wanted to know if I should go get checked for STD's...she didn't apparently appreciate that comment. All I wanted to know from her was how long it had been going on, she refused to tell but instead had other colorful comments. My husband did fess up. When I talked to ow a couple weeks later for the first civil conversation, she was absolutely flabbergasted that he had told me all of it. It was like it took all the "power" away from her. She would tell me something, I would say I knew that, she would be quiet then say something else...knew that...on and on. Possibly what led to her later calling me and telling me he had just called her and said he was plotting to leave me for her but had to time it right so I didn't mess up his credit. I asked her how he thought I would do that and she said that she was afraid I would mess up her credit. :confused: so I asked how I would mess up her credit and she said that she knew I could do stuff like mess up peoples credit. apparently I have magical credit mess up powers or I am an identity thief. I work in the financial services industry, apparently that means credit to her. Oh, she also said he called and read Bible verses to her. And this is just some of the other crazy talk I have alluded to before. She was a piece of work. Anyways, back on topic, yes, the A was caught after he had ended it. I did feel like a fool after learning how long it had been going on. But I know it is now completely over. And we are doing great. But I do wish it never happened. 2
Bittersweetie Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 When the A ended my WH thought to himself that he would recommit to me and our marriage, but of course without a d-day that didn't happen, or if it did it didn't last very long. He continued to "fish" with the OW I think this would've been me if I didn't have a d-day. Without any true consequences, I eventually would've resorted back to my coping mechanism/addiction and kept emailing him just to see if there was a response. However after d-day, when H made it very clear what would happen if I contacted xOM ("World War Three"), and I deleted emails, I was able to handle things in a healthier way and see how the contact was less about how I'd felt about xOM and more about how it made me feel (if that makes sense). Which is why, again, I believe in having a d-day to truly rebuild a marriage/relationship. Maybe there are a very select few who can detach and move on and focus 100% on their spouse in the aftermath of an affair, but I do believe that dealing with the consequences of actions results in a more effective change and growth. JMO. 4
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I was one who commented on that thread about dday happening after the A ended. It was a few months after the A "officially ended" but my husband had remained in contact with ow. He tried to settle back into M as if no A had happened but that didn't go as planned for him. He did come clean after initially denying. He admitted length (over 4 years! which blew my mind!) OW would initially not admit anything other than being friends, but all it took was a few strategic comments for me to get her to react (I asked if she normally effed with married men or if this was a first for her, because I just wanted her to know my husband and I lived like a married couple in EVERY way, and I wanted to know if I should go get checked for STD's...she didn't apparently appreciate that comment. All I wanted to know from her was how long it had been going on, she refused to tell but instead had other colorful comments. My husband did fess up. When I talked to ow a couple weeks later for the first civil conversation, she was absolutely flabbergasted that he had told me all of it. It was like it took all the "power" away from her. She would tell me something, I would say I knew that, she would be quiet then say something else...knew that...on and on. Possibly what led to her later calling me and telling me he had just called her and said he was plotting to leave me for her but had to time it right so I didn't mess up his credit. I asked her how he thought I would do that and she said that she was afraid I would mess up her credit. :confused: so I asked how I would mess up her credit and she said that she knew I could do stuff like mess up peoples credit. apparently I have magical credit mess up powers or I am an identity thief. I work in the financial services industry, apparently that means credit to her. Oh, she also said he called and read Bible verses to her. And this is just some of the other crazy talk I have alluded to before. She was a piece of work. Anyways, back on topic, yes, the A was caught after he had ended it. I did feel like a fool after learning how long it had been going on. But I know it is now completely over. And we are doing great. But I do wish it never happened. Why did your husband have the A? Does he know? If so how did he resolve this?
krazikat Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Why did your husband have the A? Does he know? If so how did he resolve this? Well, it started during a dark time in our relationship. Prior to getting married, during a time we weren't together, I had a brief relationship with another man. When my now husband found out, it broke him. He started drinking heavily and became an alcoholic. I later found out he had been planning to propose to me. I completely broke his heart, I made a very poor decision that has been haunting our relationship for years. It was a horrible time, and I still feel guilt about it. When we did get married two years later, I thought he had forgiven me, and I didn't know how out of control his drinking was. There was slot of resentment that built up. I had told him I was going to divorce him. His A started shortly after that. He and I got to a better place, but he was still drinking. And by that time he was in deep with ow and justified keeping her because of what I had done...she adored him. She, by her own admission, was obsessed with him. They drank and did drugs together. She supported his habits, while I was not having any of that. So he had his secure and stable good girl and his party chick...but now he has left the party life behind. Really, it is a long, twisted story that shows how decisions we make can haunt us for years. Simply put, he was broken, and made bad choices for coping. Since dday, he has been clean and sober...hasn't touched anything. He is back to the man I fell in love with all those years ago. He has dedicated himself to being a better person and is doing very well. 2
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Well, it started during a dark time in our relationship. Prior to getting married, during a time we weren't together, I had a brief relationship with another man. When my now husband found out, it broke him. He started drinking heavily and became an alcoholic. I later found out he had been planning to propose to me. I completely broke his heart, I made a very poor decision that has been haunting our relationship for years. It was a horrible time, and I still feel guilt about it. When we did get married two years later, I thought he had forgiven me, and I didn't know how out of control his drinking was. There was slot of resentment that built up. I had told him I was going to divorce him. His A started shortly after that. He and I got to a better place, but he was still drinking. And by that time he was in deep with ow and justified keeping her because of what I had done...she adored him. She, by her own admission, was obsessed with him. They drank and did drugs together. She supported his habits, while I was not having any of that. So he had his secure and stable good girl and his party chick...but now he has left the party life behind. Really, it is a long, twisted story that shows how decisions we make can haunt us for years. Simply put, he was broken, and made bad choices for coping. Since dday, he has been clean and sober...hasn't touched anything. He is back to the man I fell in love with all those years ago. He has dedicated himself to being a better person and is doing very well. Krazikat, that is actually a nice story. I mean it's a difficult journey to be sure but from what you say here it sounds amazingly hopeful. Thanks for sharing. 1
krazikat Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Krazikat, that is actually a nice story. I mean it's a difficult journey to be sure but from what you say here it sounds amazingly hopeful. Thanks for sharing. Thank you more. As much as this journey has hurt, it is like we have a fresh start, to put it all on the table and finally get the marriage we have both wished for. 1
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Thank you more. As much as this journey has hurt, it is like we have a fresh start, to put it all on the table and finally get the marriage we have both wished for. I am on such a merry-go-round, I can't stand it. "The marriage we have both wished for"--if only I could get myself to that place. If I only I could find it within me to have that goal. I am my own worst enemy and I don't know how I allowed this.
Confused48 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I am on such a merry-go-round, I can't stand it. "The marriage we have both wished for"--if only I could get myself to that place. If I only I could find it within me to have that goal. I am my own worst enemy and I don't know how I allowed this. A lot of stuff I've read suggests taking time to yourself to weigh options. I've also often seen that no one should rush the decision. Have you read any books? One that comes to mind that I think would be good for you is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will help with both the "how did I allow this" and the "what should I do now" questions that you have.
krazikat Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 A lot of stuff I've read suggests taking time to yourself to weigh options. I've also often seen that no one should rush the decision. Have you read any books? One that comes to mind that I think would be good for you is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will help with both the "how did I allow this" and the "what should I do now" questions that you have. More definitely get this book...it was very eye opening for me. I also read a book call "the other woman" which is a collection of true stories from people impacted by affairs...daughters, wives, WS, and ow. A good glimpse of real life side effects and thought from experience. You sound so sad, Moper. Sending you hugs. Getting thru an A is tough. I can see this on all sides.
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