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I looked at his phone again.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 29th April 2013, 4:17 AM   #1
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I looked at his phone again.

He doesn't mind me doing so but I hadn't since about December last year. He was out and couldn't find his phone so called me to ask if it was at home rather than lost somewhere. I rang it and found it and then decided to have a look. First thing I checked was for texts from and to OW - nothing. One thing I did find was texts to and from a friend of ours - the lady who helped us so much after d-day (trained marriage counsellor) about how scared H was, how he was still dreading that I would leave and her trying to comfort him.

It gave me such a shock to see things from his side. I guess I had always assumed he was here by default, as so many on the OW board suggest is often the case, here because of guilt, and would rather be with his OW. I thought he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Stupid really. Until dday I had always known him as the most honest, straightforward man I ever met. And even then he didn't pull any punches, and told me the worst there was to tell first to get ir over with, and then answered all my question. So when he said he wanted me, not her, he was scared he'd lose me, he loved me and always had, he wasn't lying, he was being straight with me. But because he didn't gush with flowery words and passionate language I thought it was duty not love. But he said it again and again.

I think this might have helped me more than almost anything else that could have happened. A different perspective.
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Old 29th April 2013, 7:29 AM   #2
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WW - why would you think he was there by default? Does it happen? Sure but that doesn't mean it always happens.

I think the best advice that is ever given is to look at someone's actions, not their words. It seems like his actions are telling you that he is there because he wants to be there. If he is/has been jumping through hoops to win you back then that is a man putting in a lot of energy just to be with you because . . . . ?

I am glad you found that exchange. You are definitely worth that man jumping through hoops for. Of course he is scared to lose you, and that should always be prevalent in his mind. You are one great lady, it isn't like he is the only man who would think so and he should/does know it. And you need to know that as well. You are worthy of so much and if he is lucky enough you will decide that he is worthy of being by your side. But that can change easily. So tell him: don't f**k it up!
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Old 29th April 2013, 7:52 AM   #3
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Told you so! Just kidding. Sometimes we just screwed up royal and want nothing more than to be back with our wives the way we were.
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Old 29th April 2013, 8:58 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by waterwoman View Post
But because he didn't gush with flowery words and passionate language I thought it was duty not love. But he said it again and again.
Square up how it is and what he intends to do... I love it! What courage! Could it be said... "beware the flowery words"?
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Old 29th April 2013, 10:14 AM   #5
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Thanks WW, for posting this. It really speaks to me about my situation as well. Sometimes my own continuing processing of the past makes it hard for me to remember to look at my H's very consistent actions since DDay, remember his very bald declarations of his feelings, which are not repeated over and over in flowery language but were all expressed early on and are randomly repeated at times that surprise me, and realize that he is walking the talk. Then along comes a post like this, along with Got It's response, and I realize we really are on the path to R that I think we are.
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Old 29th April 2013, 11:24 AM   #6
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Thank you

for your replies.

gotit - I am really a very ordinary person, not great at all, hence being so hard to beleive he was willing to leave the affair behind so completely, but thankyou x

I am hoping that this means I can stop wondering and fearing and start living again. It occurs to me that perhaps he needs comfort as much as I do.
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Old 29th April 2013, 12:31 PM   #7
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And what anyone posts, says or does on here or in real life that is lumping people together and giving carte blanche opinions I would recommend disregarding. It is not a one size fits all kind of thing. And what is happening, or opined to happen does not mean it is happening in your situation.

No one knows your situation like you. No one knows the details of your every day life. If your gut is quiet, if he is showing proactive actions, transparency, and effort then while that is not a guarantee (as nothing but taxes and death are), it is still a very good sign that things are going well.

Trust yourself, trust your gut, trust that you will know if things are off or not satisfactory. Just trust yourself.
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Old 29th April 2013, 1:06 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Got it View Post
And what anyone posts, says or does on here or in real life that is lumping people together and giving carte blanche opinions I would recommend disregarding. It is not a one size fits all kind of thing. And what is happening, or opined to happen does not mean it is happening in your situation.

No one knows your situation like you. No one knows the details of your every day life. If your gut is quiet, if he is showing proactive actions, transparency, and effort then while that is not a guarantee (as nothing but taxes and death are), it is still a very good sign that things are going well.

Trust yourself, trust your gut, trust that you will know if things are off or not satisfactory. Just trust yourself.
This is perfect Gotit.

WW I understand how hard it is to have the strength to come in here and look for what you need and being bombarded with people from all over with their own agendas. It happens on both sides and as Gotit said there isn't anyone here who knows your situation like you do.

I am so happy I came in today to see this. I've seen you struggle in here and it seems so good to see something happen that makes you feel more confident and in control.

One thing. Don't ever, and I mean ever, say you aren't great. You are. Few posters here come close to matching you for heart and soul. You are great and damn it girl, don't you forget it.

xoxo
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Old 29th April 2013, 1:27 PM   #9
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WW - why would you think he was there by default? Does it happen? Sure but that doesn't mean it always happens.
9/10 OW on here say that their MM only go back to their wives out of obligation, family duties, history..not true love. I can see why she had doubts, along with communication with her husband not openly talking about his feelings or expressing them in a way that would make her feel more secure and loved.

WW I'm glad you feel better and I hope the best always for you and your H.
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Old 29th April 2013, 1:37 PM   #10
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for your replies.

gotit - I am really a very ordinary person, not great at all, hence being so hard to beleive he was willing to leave the affair behind so completely, but thankyou x

I am hoping that this means I can stop wondering and fearing and start living again. It occurs to me that perhaps he needs comfort as much as I do.
WW - you are not ordinary. Please. You have many great attributes! I think it is very sad you can't see that. Please start working on looking at the great things about yourself. You deserve this and more and should know and expect it. You are the prize. Know you are the prize. If he doesn't prove that to you every day then more the fool is he and you can and will do better.

Yes he may need comfort, ask him. But he needs to be able to and should be working on, proactively asking for what he needs. He needs to currently work on all the areas that may have fallen short prior and put him down the road of the affair - conflict resolution, communication, etc. It is his job to be proactive on this. This doesn't mean that he do all the lifting and you give him nothing back, but if the bar is ____________________, right now he is working about a million miles underneath it. So there is a tad bit more heavy lifting on his end then yours.

WW - not sure if you are interested but I think what might be good for you is to start journaling every day 3 things that you like about yourself. Start working on your self esteem. You have to believe in yourself and prioritize yourself. This man is not bestowing some great gift upon you by being with you. No, my friend, just the opposite, you are bestowing him a great gift because he royally f**ked the first go around.

What he did does not define you. How he acted does not evaluate your worth, what he does defines him. You are NOT a reflection of his actions/inactions.
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Old 29th April 2013, 2:07 PM   #11
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BS often dont need posts from OW to make them question why their WS stays.
It comes with the territory. A big part of any reconciliation process is putting away that question.

Infidelity often has the result of leaving a BS not being able to trust what they see, what they feel, the actions or words of their WS.

I feel like you are really blessed to have been able to truly Verify what your husband has been telling and showing you.

This is very very good news.
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Old 29th April 2013, 2:41 PM   #12
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Quote:
I am hoping that this means I can stop wondering and fearing and start living again. It occurs to me that perhaps he needs comfort as much as I do.
Hi WW this is great! How far out are you from DDay if you don't mind me asking? We have been trying to comfort each other equally and WH has been jumping through hoops to get here (I honestly have put this man through hell since DDay ) I think because of the fact that my WH is a serial cheater I more or less have the feeling of past behavior predicts future behavior, but I'm going to take the risk as long as WH proves that he wants to be in this.

I still wonder, but I no longer fear. I know I'll be done come another DDay. I just recently started living again, for myself and I hope WH will join me.

Best of luck to you! Great thread!
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Old 29th April 2013, 3:40 PM   #13
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Infidelity often has the result of leaving a BS not being able to trust what they see, what they feel, the actions or words of their WS.

.
Ain't that the truth! That has been my main problem. Pre the affair I had never doubted H's word. Never had any reason to. Having to rebuild everything after I found out he could lie was like building in an earthquake zone.
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Old 29th April 2013, 3:46 PM   #14
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Hi WW this is great! How far out are you from DDay if you don't mind me asking? We have been trying to comfort each other equally and WH has been jumping through hoops to get here (I honestly have put this man through hell since DDay ) I think because of the fact that my WH is a serial cheater I more or less have the feeling of past behavior predicts future behavior, but I'm going to take the risk as long as WH proves that he wants to be in this.

I still wonder, but I no longer fear. I know I'll be done come another DDay. I just recently started living again, for myself and I hope WH will join me.

Best of luck to you! Great thread!
10 months LD. I spent months trying to be Perfect Wife so he didn;t decide to change his mind and leave. I was trying to prove I was the best bet. Clearly I didn;t need to! But the work we have both done on our marriage needed doing so it's not a waste of time.

Glad to hear you are in a good place now x
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Old 29th April 2013, 3:48 PM   #15
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Thanks WW, for posting this. It really speaks to me about my situation as well. Sometimes my own continuing processing of the past makes it hard for me to remember to look at my H's very consistent actions since DDay, remember his very bald declarations of his feelings, which are not repeated over and over in flowery language but were all expressed early on and are randomly repeated at times that surprise me, and realize that he is walking the talk. Then along comes a post like this, along with Got It's response, and I realize we really are on the path to R that I think we are.
Glad it helped spotme! It is so hard to see things clearly at times.
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