My Wife and her G.I.G.S

[OddJob123]

-So I have been married for almost 8 years.

-I have been with my wife for 10 years.

-I am 28

-She is about to turn 26 (We met when she was she was almost 16)

 

We have had a VERY loving marriage. We've always been very comfortable with each other sexually and as a couple in general. Up until recently I was her only sexual partner ever. I have been extremely loving, faithful, committed and a good provider throughout our entire marriage. Well, out of the blue, RIGHT after we just bought a second house, and WHILE we were trying to have a baby (thank God we didn't), she starts treating me like crap. I kept asking her why she was treating me so badly, and finally she caved and told me she wasn't happy. She doesn't think we're best friends anymore (she has more fun hanging out with different friends than me), she says she doesn't find me attractive anymore. She said she loves me but isn't "in love" with me. She put an emotional wall up and nothing I said or did could convince her to stay.

 

A week later she walked out the door. I am still in total shock about this whole thing. Before she left, I sat her down on the bed and said - "Look - you need to be open minded to the possibility that you are making the BIGGEST MISTAKE of your life. So go ahead and move out, but let's give this a year, and see how you feel." She PROMISED to be faithful to me during that time.

 

Well... I came to find out through the grape vine, that that VERY night she started sleeping with a co-worker. Now it all made sense to me. I DO think it is a legitimate case of the G.I.G.S that was brought to the breaking point through an affair with her co-worker. I dug up some dirt on the guy she is sleeping with. Apparently his wife (who I have talked to, and is a really sweet person) was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer last summer, and has been through hell. He has also paid massage therapists for sex in the past.. Well he is now having an affair with my wife.

 

I was SHOCKED that she would even consider dating a guy like this let alone SLEEPING with him. She has always been such a sweet, loving, committed wife!! She had a good moral compass... I am just in absolute shock.

 

Of course I made all the classic mistakes of begging her to come back after she left, crying around her, trying to make logical arguments of why she should stay, etc... This was before I understood the nature of G.I.G.S. After I found out she was having an affair, I called her all sorts of names (very calmly) - whore, slut, coward, etc.... She got PISSED. Yelling things like "This is OVER! I am getting the papers next week!!"

 

After I read about G.I.G.S - I started to feel a little bit of sympathy for her, so I texted her this:

 

ME: I want to apologize about all the mean things I said to you. At the time I thought that was the best way to show you I care. I still think you rebounding into a sexual relationship was a huge mistake, but I can't begin to really understand what you are going through. You leaving me was probably harder for you than I could ever know. It probably took a lot of courage on your part. I am sorry for not respecting your feelings from the get go. I truly love you, and so I should be able to let you go, if that is what you think is best for you. I just want you to be happy, Tiffany.

 

She responded with a simple: Thank you.

 

I love this woman to death. If after her G.I.G.S phase if she comes back to me and is truly regretful of how much she has hurt me, and what she has done to me, I think I could/would be able to forgive her, and possibly slowly rebuild my trust for her.

 

What I want to know, is what you guys think the chances of her coming back are? She is a fairly stubborn woman.

 

I know I have to move on with my life, and ASSUME she isn't coming back, as hard as that is right now. But at the same time, I do want her to come back and be the Tiffany I know she can be.

 

She has burned a lot of social bridges because of this. Everyone knows what she has done to me, the affair, etc.. Most of her/my friends, and all of my family is very angry at her. I am worried that even if she does realize in 6 months to a year that she made a huge mistake, and wants to come back, that she will be too embarrassed, or ashamed...

 

Is there ANYTHING I can do? Can I stay in LC - just send a text every month or so saying that I hope she is doing well? Or should I go full NC?

 

I have read that people with G.I.G.S will often try to come back to the dumpee. Do you guys think my chances are bad or good in this case?

 

Thanks!!!

[Jono85]

dude, it's beyond done. you're very weak right now hence you're obviously not thinking clearly b/c the thought of her ever coming back after doing you like this shouldn't even be a possibility. it pisses me off she just writes thank you after your letter. she just sounds extremely selfish, similar to my ex, and after 10 years this is how she does you, with no guilt or care or remorse? let this chick go and thank god you she didn't have your kids. huge bullet dodged. but stop thinking about forgiveness already...imo you need to cut her out of your life completely until you're over her (I'd say don't contact her for a year at least). its ridiculous that this is how it ends but don't excuse her behavior. I don't think it will be too difficult to find a better girl for you.

[westjames111]

-

 

Is there ANYTHING I can do? Can I stay in LC - just send a text every month or so saying that I hope she is doing well? Or should I go full NC?

I have read that people with G.I.G.S will often try to come back to the dumpee. Do you guys think my chances are bad or good in this case?

Thanks!!!

 

 

1) Dont even do the one text a month. She WILL contact you again. There is no question you were together for way too long for you to never hear from her again. It might be a month is might be 6 months, but it will happen. When she does text you DON'T reply. Let her know that she does not have you on a string. I made this mistake at the beginning when I was cheated on. She would text ad say she missed me and as soon as I said something she would disappear again. That's how G.I.G.S. works. You now what got to her the most? Me moving on and bettering myself.

 

2) I am sure she will try something, but dude you dont need this. As hard as it can be do not take a cheater back. It is going to be a long journey, but in the end you are going to thank yourself for this and see her for who she really is. Don't let your heartbreak distort your view. I'm sure if someone had asked you if you while you were still with her would take her back if she cheated on you would of said NO!

[OddJob123]

Thanks for the advice. I am looking forward to the day she tries to contact me and then I will have the power. It will be nice to know that I have the choice to take her back or not - even if I don't take her back.

[seibert253]

No texts, no calls, nothing. She wants space, no problem, give her perminant space. If I were you I'd stop playing games. File for D.

[CarrieT]

-I am 28

-She is about to turn 26 (We met when she was she was almost 16)

^^^^ THIS ^^^^^

 

Google "Saturn Return." You people are *just* now becoming the adults you are meant to be and the reason why I heartily recommend no one ever get married before the age of 30.

 

I am sorry for this, but resign yourself to the fact that it will get better and you will see that you were too young to get married when you did.

[denxnis]

Sorry to hear this man.

 

I was you 6 months ago, excluding the marriage part.

 

She doesn't deserve someone like you. I'm sure you're not perfect and there is another side to the story however you did not break one of the biggest promises of your life, to stay faithful to your husband/wife.

[Bryanp]

My guess is that she was sleeping with this guy before she left which is why she left you. My suggestion would be to:

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. See an attorney to understand your options and get the ball rolling.

3. Your wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will. I wish you luck.

[NervisPervis]

What I want to know, is what you guys think the chances of her coming back are? She is a fairly stubborn woman.

 

She's not coming back. She was too young going in and she's too young now.

 

You're 28. No kids. It's called a do-over. You are a GOD to me. Embrace it.

[NervisPervis]

Abd I just Googled G.I.G.S. What a phoney-baloney acronym. I've got a better, more accurate one.

 

I.L.Y.B.I.N.I.L.W.Y.

 

Google that.

[96nole]

She was already cheating on you before she left. That's why she was treating you so poorly. It's very common. It's a way for them to justify to themselves what that are doing. Especially if it starts a fight.

 

Go get checked for STD's.

The guy she is with has already been sleeping around. Who knows what he may have. And do NOT trust that she did not sleep with him before she left.

 

Go full non contact. Do the 180 on her.

Here is a link to what it is. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/329469-what-s-180-a

It might get her back, but it's more for you being able to move on.

 

File for divorce.

If she comes crawling back and you work it out, the divorce can be stopped. Most likely she won't. The process is already started.

 

I understand she is your first great love. I understand how hard this is for you. But you're going to have to see she is no longer the person you think she is. I believe that if she were to come back to you, she'll do it again.

[OddJob123]

Thanks for the advice guys. And ya, she said she was going to file for divorce this week. I am going to try and see a lawyer today. It is confusing to get conflicting opinions. Some say there is no way she is coming back, some say if I go full NC after a long time she will contact me again.

 

Trust me when I say I would NOT just simply "take her back" if she ever comes knocking. For me to even consider it, she would have to concede to a lot of things, convince me that she was truly regretful, and the relationship would take a LONG TIME to rebuild after this. Trust would be an issue for a long time.

 

For those saying that you think she will never come back - please note, that until recently, she has ALWAYS been head over heels for me. We have had so much fun together, so many passionate moments that would be impossible to fake. So many "I miss you, when are you coming home??" texts when I was out of town.

 

I believe her when I say that she has "always questioned our marriage". But who wouldn't in her position? I have been with her since she was 15... This is why I think it's a case of G.I.G.S. Not to toot my own horn, but I have been a pretty awesome husband to her (not perfect by any stretch). NOTHING BAD has EVER happened in her life. She's never been through anything remotely traumatic. She has been extremely comfortable. This is why I am lead to believe that after going through douche bag after douche bag, she may start to realize what she has lost. I could be wrong. In the end though, I do understand I need to move on and forget about her. I think after this divorce is final, I am not even going to consider contacting her for AT LEAST 6 months.

[Steadfast]

No surprise to read that you're far from being over her. I do understand it, but only time will show you just how far away she really is. Fact: Once a woman leaves a man, the chances of her 'changing her mind' and coming back are practically zero. What she will miss? Your love, devotion, and the security you provided. But that's not desire, and that's what she craves.

 

She will contact you. She'll reach out. She might even try to use sex to get you back where she wants. Handy and available. A safety net. Only you will decide it that's what you want. Your resolve will be tested. Know that.

 

Doubt me? Consider this; she's willing to let you 'go on the market' to get what she wants. How many loving women are willing to give (or push!) their man to another? That's where she is. Her interest is remote, at best.

 

Women can act the part for years. Or for as long as it suits them. You have a lot of catching up to do. A lot of learning. Best get started now.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am a firm believer in never marrying a virgin or your high school sweetheart. In todays world they never seem to last. This was bound to happen as one or other always gets curious as to what they might have missed or are missing.

 

If not now, surely before one of you reaches 40, ore mid life

 

You got lucky, as you are still young yet and have no kids.

 

Forget the power and what you or she would do when she comes back.

 

Move on in life and find someone new.

[TigerCub]

Op that is really sad and I'm so sorry that you loved someone for so long and you tried to be a great partner and they hurt in that way.

 

But honestly, she cheats on you and YOU apologize to HER?

Really?

 

Right now I'm guessing you are just feeling that desperation and fear of the possibility of losing someone you've loved for so long, someone that you've built a life with, but do you really think you can one day forgive what she did to you? Do you honestly think that you would be able to trust her again?

 

Like everyone said, she will contact you in time.

The married man with the wife with cancer isn't going to leave his wife for her - she's going to one day realize what she's missing and how she screwed up and how good things were with you and she will contact you. But then, I hope that you realize you'd deserve better than someone that would so easily betray you.

 

You guys got married so young, you were all she knew and now she's thinking 'oh well what else is out there?' - I'm not justifying what she did at all, but I think that's one of the reasons people shouldn't marry so young. I know that what's done is done in your case, but at least think of that when she wants to come back. What else is out there for you? Hopefully it is someone that knows how to treat you right.

 

Good luck and again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

Please, please, don't write her or call her or contact her anymore, it just comes off as weak. She wronged you, you shouldn't be apologizing to her.

[OddJob123]

I realize apologizing to her seems weak. And I wasn't going to do it, until I read this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

After reading through this thread, I actually had a little sympathy for what my wife is going through. That doesn't mean I think she is making good decisions. But from reading that thread, it seems like what she is doing will actually be better for HER in the long run. If she didn't leave now and go f*** up her life, she would always resent me for never being able to have those life experiences.

 

My goal is to make this divorce as peaceful as possible, and let her know that while I think she is making HORRIBLE decisions, that I understand them and accept them. And that I actually *want* her to go do her own thing.

[wifehurtheart]

My guess is that she was sleeping with this guy before she left which is why she left you. My suggestion would be to:

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. See an attorney to understand your options and get the ball rolling.

3. Your wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will. I wish you luck.

 

What he said.

[TigerCub]

I realize apologizing to her seems weak. And I wasn't going to do it, until I read this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

After reading through this thread, I actually had a little sympathy for what my wife is going through. That doesn't mean I think she is making good decisions. But from reading that thread, it seems like what she is doing will actually be better for HER in the long run. If she didn't leave now and go f*** up her life, she would always resent me for never being able to have those life experiences.

 

My goal is to make this divorce as peaceful as possible, and let her know that while I think she is making HORRIBLE decisions, that I understand them and accept them. And that I actually *want* her to go do her own thing.

 

Sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

I'm just saying that she may not really know what you read and how you came to your position of understanding and so her perception of your apology might be taken differently.

 

I can't even imagine what it is like to be in your shoes and I'm sure that as hard as I can fathom it is for you, I'm not even close to the real thing.

 

I think it will take time and you may go back and forth in your stance on what you want (and I think that's normal - from reading here). The important thing is that you do what's best for you and that you are honest with yourself with regards to what will be best.

 

 

Take care of yourself

[Jonah]

1) Dont even do the one text a month. She WILL contact you again. !

 

Let me reaffirm. Get on with your life, work on you, and don't worry about it. You will be fine. Probably something better down the road anyway. And by the way, if you ever want her back, there will be a plenty of opportunity.

 

I love my pet poodle too.

 

She WILL contact you again.

[OddJob123]

Let me reaffirm. Get on with your life, work on you, and don't worry about it. You will be fine. Probably something better down the road anyway. And by the way, if you ever want her back, there will be a plenty of opportunity.

 

I love my pet poodle too.

 

She WILL contact you again.

 

Ya, I am trying very hard to get on with my life. Right now my main goal is to not lose my job and pay the bills, and work out every day. I am having a hard time even doing that though. I lay awake all night picturing that douche bag pounding her, and her LIKING it. What happened to my sweet loyal, loving, moral wife? God, this is so hard... Thanks so much for the support guys. I've never loved forums this much until now.

[Silveron]

OddJob,

 

I can guarantee, she is not getting 'pounded' every night. I can guarantee that she is going through an emotional turmoil right now. I can also guarantee that she will be using this guy as a punching bag very soon.

 

When those thoughts come into your head, replace them with something positive. What you need to do is break all contact from her, don't answer her texts and calls. This will make her THINK! This silence will assure her that you will NOT be the safety net. Whatever is causing this in her, she has to get counseling for.

 

Keep working on yourself, don't fall into a depression. See a counselor if you need. If down the road she wants to come back, you better make sure counseling is mandatory for her! If she were to try to come back and blame things on you, then it will be no good. She needs full repentance and acecpt full responsibility for what she's done. She needs to get rid of this weed inside of her by the roots, so that it will never grow back.

 

She didn't do this to hurt you, even though that is what the outcome has become. Only she can answer that question and right now it sounds like she doesn't know the answer herself yet. Read up on the seven signs of grief, that might help you.

[OddJob123]

Thanks silveron. I will look that up. Also, what do you mean she will use him as a punching bag?

[Spark1111]

OJ123, the problem with GIGS is that these people are ALWAYS looking for something or someone outside themselves to make them happy.

 

They wistfully pine for all they themselves cannot create in a healthy relationship.

 

The problem lies in not appreciating what you have until it has packed a suitcase and is walking out the door, IF you even have the maturity and insight to do so.

 

Otherwise, her unhappiness WILL always be your fault, you get it?

 

So cut her loose to learn that the grass is rarely greener elsewhere, though she may convince herself it is to save face.

 

I am sorry you find yourself in such a lose-lose scenario. take it one day at a time and focus on you, your health and happiness.

 

As time goes on I hope you find the anger necessary to stop contacting her completely. Wish her well and shut the door.

 

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Concentrate on envisioning a future without her.

[OddJob123]

I don't need anger to not contact her. I've decided that after this divorce over, I will never *initiate* contact with her again.

[Silveron]

Thanks silveron. I will look that up. Also, what do you mean she will use him as a punching bag?

 

He's a rebound. After the 'newness' wears off, he's going to be facing her emotional wrath. He's not going to want to deal with it, so chances are he's going to push her away.

 

The stuff she has in her head has to come out some how and he was playing the wolf, listening to her and telling her things she wanted to hear. Now that he's going to be around, she's going to be unleashing all her upsetment at him.

 

Women who are immature and have emotional issues (including depression) will lash out at the one they are with because they are the safety-net. They misdirect their issues onto that person which then often causes conflict and miscommunication.

 

She's the only one that can fix herself and she has to realize and want that. Anything short of that, she's not going to get her head on straight. Even if you wrote it in big bold letters in front of her she won't understand. I know it's frustrating, that's why you need to make her think. Right now she is expecting you to come after her. Don't! Let her face the consequences, make her think on what she is truly losing.