Jenn.Smith Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I know you must get a million of these questions but here it is. Have you ever suspected an affair that wasn't there? If so, what was really going on. I am married. 6 years together, 4.5married, two kids. He is just over thirty and I am just under. In the last year we have had sex six times. For the last three his sex drive has been slowly diminshing. There were good reasons I thought. Even in the last year. I had post partum. He had surgery down there. Our youngest didnt sleep thru the night. But all that is getting to be a bit ago and it is getting worse not better. We haven't had sex in three months. I bought new clothes an started primping but it isn't working. Which has lead me to believe and affair. But only partially hecause I don't know when he would find the time. I am a hw. He calls me right after work and even though we live out of town he is never more than an hour getting home an has stuff he picked up. He is in a small business and doesn't work with anyone hot. In fact they are mostly male. The lack of sex is straining on me. I told him this and he apologized. But he wont get counselling or see a doctor because he believes it is just a part of gettin older. Is there anything, besideds an affair. That could be going on.
Author Jenn.Smith Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 He is barely 30. WAY too young for this. I don't know if he's in an affair or a rut, or if it is medical, but it isn't age, not at 30. Tell him you aren't satisfied and that he needs to do more than say it's age, because at 30 he should be doing just fine. Getting older. My God, he's 30!!! Sorry, i should have said early 30s not just over 30... Not that it really changes things. I don't know what to do. I seduced him all the times in the last year we had sex. I stopped to see if maybe he would initiate sex but now it has been 3 months with the ball in his court. How do I make him go to the doctor! I thought at first it wasn't really important. That as we get along so well that was what mattered. But lately i have been agitated. I just feel helpless. What if he just isn't attracted to me anymore? I got the baby weight off but my tummy is saggy. And so are my breasts. Maybe I am not good in bed? I just want to be desired again. He tells me I am sexy and pretty but his actions say otherwise.
leonine Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Agreed. Age in and of itself isn't the issue. I think suspecting an affair purely on lack of sex is a pretty big leap to make though. There are a number of things that could be going on medically and emotionally. Ultimately though you need to sit him down and let him know that your current sex life is not what you would like it to be and that his unwillingness to do anything about making it better for you is really disappointing. Try and present your case from a place of concern and love and don't be accusatory or angry - making someone defensive about sex just makes the hole deeper and harder to escape. 2
TigerCub Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 That's tough. Early 30s is too young to attribute this to old age. But it could be - that he is overly stressed - Has low testosterone - It could be cheating (sorry) - Emotional problems Does he resort to porn a lot? I agree with the rest that you should encourage him to see a doctor because this is a very important aspect of a marriage and it is affecting you and making you feel bad - you need to get that intimacy and closeness back. Good luck 1
Author Jenn.Smith Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 He used to be addicted to porn. I told him it bothered me because he wasn't loving on me. He stopped and usually tells me when he has been using it again. I don't know. He may be getting off in the shower. The computer is in our bedroom in full view of my side of the bed so I believe him on the "no porn" thing. I have mentioned to him about the low testostrone thing. He sees the doctor every second week but still hasnt mentioned it. Dunno, must be a make embarassment thing. Tonight I think I am going to insist he asks. I haven't wanted to nag but... And if health is ruled out then I will sign us up for marriage counselling. I do not want to lose my marriage. Specially with a man who brings me home flowers just because, changes diapers and does the dishes. Also, side information. In the past in snippets put together he has told me that he doesn't like how messy sex is.
TigerCub Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 He used to be addicted to porn. I told him it bothered me because he wasn't loving on me. He stopped and usually tells me when he has been using it again. I don't know. He may be getting off in the shower. The computer is in our bedroom in full view of my side of the bed so I believe him on the "no porn" thing. I have mentioned to him about the low testostrone thing. He sees the doctor every second week but still hasnt mentioned it. Dunno, must be a make embarassment thing. Tonight I think I am going to insist he asks. I haven't wanted to nag but... And if health is ruled out then I will sign us up for marriage counselling. I do not want to lose my marriage. Specially with a man who brings me home flowers just because, changes diapers and does the dishes. Also, side information. In the past in snippets put together he has told me that he doesn't like how messy sex is. People with porn addictions have an aversion to connecting with people. I've heard that before and it makes sense to me - but I'm not sure if that's ALWAYS the case - but with your husband - if he kicked the habit and he avoids intimacy then although he gave up the addiction, he still probably didn't get past the intimacy avoidance issue. As for the comment about not liking how messy sex is - Honestly I don't know what to say, I have never heard that - maybe it is an excuse to avoid intimacy, or maybe he doesn't want sex with women (not saying the 2 men doing it wouldn't get messy) but maybe he just doesn't like sex with women? Do you know what kinds of porn he used to look at? 1
Fleur de Lis Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Has he gotten out of shape? If so, does that track with the decline? It might be that he just needs to start becoming more fit, which has benefits of him feeling better about himself overall. Like others have mentioned, try talking to him calmy, honestly, openly and in a non-blaming fashion. Also, nothing wrong with going to couples counseling.
Survivor12 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 If you have never heard the term "Madonna-Whore complex", I would suggest doing some research. To put it very simplistically, it has to do with a man being unable to balance a woman's role as a mother to his children with her sexuality. As the problem appears to have begun not long after the birth of your children and due to his previous porn addiction (which he knows you did not condone), it seems possible that this could have something to do with what has(n't) been going on. If it is, therapy would be advisable. Good luck.
Author Jenn.Smith Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Thanks all. I talked to hubby... Again. I told him I really wanted to have sex agai more regular like. He apologized again. Said he would go to the doctor first. So far no news. No other signs except maye always being late and not answering his phone as often. But he is under a lot of new responsibilites at work. So IDK. I know all this passwords and he never clears his internet history. I just checked and nothing. I felt so bad for checking.
Author Jenn.Smith Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) I've had a blow. I probably should put this in a different catagory but... We talked again. I bought new panties anD he didnt even care. So i asked him what was wrong? And he told me he isnt turned on amymore. I actually need to physically stimulate him. He said he stopped porn because it did nothing for him. And then he said he has noticed he is more attracted to men and noticing them. Wtf. Do people turn gay? I have no idea what to do. I was going to always stay with him unless he was abusive. But now? We have kids and a beautiful home. What forum would you put this in anyways? Edited April 17, 2013 by Jenn.Smith
BetrayedH Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I'd be tempted to put it in the separation and divorce forum. I'm sorry to hear this. I think you're best to cut your losses and start your second life. I've yet to hear of one of these situations ending well. But maybe a sex therapist can help you determine how deep-seated this compulsion is for him. I suspect it's 1000x worse than what he's told you.
meat department Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 My soon to be ex was gay. We have a kid and a home. He turned to CL to find men. If I was going to guess- he is gay. It happens and it is truly sad. There are numerous other signs that I noticed. He has never admitted to me that he is gay even after counseling and other crazy things that happened. Good luck!
Jonah Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I've had a blow. I probably should put this in a different catagory but... We talked again. I bought new panties anD he didnt even care. So i asked him what was wrong? And he told me he isnt turned on amymore. I actually need to physically stimulate him. He said he stopped porn because it did nothing for him. And then he said he has noticed he is more attracted to men and noticing them. Wtf. Do people turn gay? I have no idea what to do. I was going to always stay with him unless he was abusive. But now? We have kids and a beautiful home. What forum would you put this in anyways? I read that you actually have to stimulate him. Just do that. stop asking him what is wrong. if you Questoined him enough for him to claim he is gay, welll there is one problem! Ask any guy, questions are a turn off unless its "do you Wanna do my friend?". I did have some amount of ed in my early thirties. ...everything had to be just right. Testosterone checked fine. calis works but be careful, there are side effects. ;-) , make the appointment And drag him in.
Jonah Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Just curious, I have a question related to my own sometimes disappointing lack of performance. What else are you nagging him about other than his sex drive? Not in bed, right? There are times when I am trying to get something going, my wife brings up some broken fixture or some unsolvable problem about one of the stupid people. Then she asks "what's wrong?" Game over. New panties don't turn me on either. Take them off. Sleep naked. I do prefer saggy breasts. My call is that that isn't a contributing factor.
Author Jenn.Smith Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 We had a very grown up conversation. Nobody got upset or defensive. I listened to him and he listened to me. I don't nag him about anything, even sex. I've let months pass before he takes care of me without uttering a word. But, i recently realized it is putting a strain on me. I thought it was me. That I wasn't sexy in his eyes anymore because of how I looked. But it isn't me. I realize that now and it does help the self esteem. Right now we are just waiting for tests to come back. But his comment about Guys being more attractive then before stunned me. Then I have that stupid niggling doubt he is trying to throw me off the trail from an affair. Are guys really that devious or is that more a female characteristic.
2sunny Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 He's given you a clue - he's probably gay. Maybe he's interested in a guy he works with? What does he see the doctor for every few weeks? It's odd that you stated you need sex more often and he didn't deliver - his answer is "I'll see the dr again"? Wtf? He's avoiding you! Does he have an STD he's afraid of transmitting? I wouldn't rule it out! If he's "alluded to" being more attracted to males - then I'd venture to guess that was his way of gently letting you know he prefers males.
Author Jenn.Smith Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Just an update and then i'll start a new thread in a etter catagory. All tests were fine so hubby was told by the doctor taking everything into account that he is depressed. Not severely so no meds unless he can't kick it. So there you have it. He isn't cheating or gay, just depressed... So why do i feel like nothing has been answered?
Mycatsnuggles Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 He told you he may be attracted to guys. Why are you instantly ruling out he may be gay? I am not a man but I don't think this is something a man would say lightly. People who are gay struggle with the feelings of being different from social norms. Admitting to having feelings towards the same sex is a very big step. Please don't totally disregard this. Your husband opened up to you. This is your opportunity to explore the possibility. I am afraid if you shut him down now he will shove those feelings inside. You may remain married and never resolve the true issues. I am not telling you definitively your H is gay, he could have unresolved issues, an affair, no sex drive whatever. But if he has made this statement I think you need to take it at face value. Offer him acceptance and see what happens. 2
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