Trickle-Truth No More (And You All Were Right)

[firstandlast]

I'd like to say I finally got the courage/morality to give my wife the entire story of my affair, but she found a search in some of my previous posts here, put 2 and 2 together and figured out what I had been keeping from her. So she knows EVERYTHING now.

 

Amazingly, she didn't leave. She hasn't forgiven me yet, and I think leaving is still a possibility for her, but for now she's willing to work things out.

 

And I have to admit, you all were right about needing to tell. Although I had always known that part of my reluctance to tell stemmed from my own self-interest, not burdening her with the whole story was, I thought, a legitimate concern. But she says knowing the full story has actually helped her to begin to heal. And even before her discovery, I was beginning to come around to the idea that she deserved the truth so she could decide for herself whether to stay with me. Her knowing is actually a relief to me, too. No more surprise discoveries -- worrying what new evidence she has found every time my phone rings.

 

We have a long road ahead, and the affair may well have done too much damage to repair. But consider me a convert. Honesty is indeed the best policy.

[whichwayisup]

Respect her space and don't push. Give her that time to figure things out.

 

I do hope she gives you a chance..You are remorseful and seem to want to do all that she asks of you, and as long as you both are willing to work hard and each of you put in the big effort, your marriage can be salvaged, of course with the help of marriage counseling..Together and apart.

[veryhappy]

Amazingly, she didn't leave. She hasn't forgiven me yet, and I think leaving is still a possibility for her, but for now she's willing to work things out.

 

What's so amazing? That's what happens for most, at least short term.

[ComingInHot]

Maybe see if she wants to start her own thread in the Infidelity section for her own vent and healing?.?.

 

She certainly received a better understanding by reading yours* Maybe that can work in reverse as well as help her heal...

 

Just a thought.

[firstandlast]

What's so amazing? That's what happens for most, at least short term.

I was surprised. So this is not indicative of the chances of the marriage surviving?

[jwi71]

I was surprised. So this is not indicative of the chances of the marriage surviving?

 

Of course it isn't.

 

The number one thing, to me, which predicts your M lasting is honesty.

 

Each lie told now erodes what little faith and trust she has in you - after all, you had an A and then lied, repeatedly, about it. Her problem is she doesn't know the truth and can't trust you to tell it. While she doesn't choose D now, she may conclude, at some point in the future, that a M where she cannot trust her spouse is not worth having.

 

So be honest. Do not let her existing doubts grow. You attack them at every possibility. Which means being honest. you are not sparing her pain by lying - you are in fact, with each lie, making it harder for your M to recover.

 

Good luck. It's not over until the divorce court says so - so keep at it.

 

M's do recover and survive. I hope yours does as that appears to be what you want now.

[JamesM]

I just read your past threads and may have the whole story now.

 

Couple of questions...

 

Did you now let your wife read those past threads? Did she find LS or did you show her LS?

 

Did SHE discover the physical part and then you confirmed it? Or did you tell her and then she discovered the past posts about it?

 

How long (clarification) have you been NC from the OW? Is she still in another affair?

 

Who is more sexually attractive to you...your wife or the OW?

 

Why do you want to save your marriage?

 

As for your wife not leaving, she is thinking this over. She may not have left yet because she is in shock, or she is still in the stage of hoping that she can save the marriage, or she still loves you. Even if she still loves you, this may all sink in and your marriage will still end.

 

It is a 50-50.

 

Having said that do NOT give up! Show her that you love her (if your each that conclusion) and find her more important than anyone else. Show her that she can trust you 100%. Can't remember if you left the job that keeps you in contact with the OW or even her new AP, but if you haven't then you probably should ASAP.

 

BTW, your wife probably has close friends who are telling her to leave. Your goal is to show her that they are wrong.

 

Good luck. The marriage can be saved, but the ball is in her court at this point more than in yours.

[firstandlast]

I just read your past threads and may have the whole story now.

 

Couple of questions...

 

Did you now let your wife read those past threads? Did she find LS or did you show her LS?

 

Did SHE discover the physical part and then you confirmed it? Or did you tell her and then she discovered the past posts about it?

 

How long (clarification) have you been NC from the OW? Is she still in another affair?

 

Who is more sexually attractive to you...your wife or the OW?

 

Why do you want to save your marriage?

 

As for your wife not leaving, she is thinking this over. She may not have left yet because she is in shock, or she is still in the stage of hoping that she can save the marriage, or she still loves you. Even if she still loves you, this may all sink in and your marriage will still end.

 

It is a 50-50.

 

Having said that do NOT give up! Show her that you love her (if your each that conclusion) and find her more important than anyone else. Show her that she can trust you 100%. Can't remember if you left the job that keeps you in contact with the OW or even her new AP, but if you haven't then you probably should ASAP.

 

BTW, your wife probably has close friends who are telling her to leave. Your goal is to show her that they are wrong.

 

Good luck. The marriage can be saved, but the ball is in her court at this point more than in yours.

I have been denying the physical part of the affair. I told her I was using this forum to help work through things (we are also in MC together). She was using my iPad and noticed a search I had done for my previous posts (I was reviewing all the advice I had received up to that point) and figured out pretty quickly that I was "firstandlast." After trying to talk my way out of things I admitted it a couple of days later.

 

I've been in strict NC since mid-October, when I told the xMOW in no uncertain terms that I wanted to be left alone. (Despite the new affair, she had remained in contact with me out of "concern" for me because my family was out of town.) She has either replaced me with a better AP or given her marriage another shot, so in either case she's not even going to want to contact me anyway.

 

We work for the same company but at different locations and on separate projects. I don't know whether she's still carrying on with my other coworker. I suspect they are, but it's none of my business, and it doesn't really matter anyway. I'm interviewing with other companies -- I want to sever all ties with her and the coworker and be rid of the constant reminders.

 

Your other question is a trickier. Affair sex always seems hotter. I can tell you that even if my marriage falls apart and the xMOW's marriage falls apart, the xMOW is not relationship material, at least not for me. Not that I'm morally superior, but a regular relationship with her would end in disaster. I'm slowly waking up from the fog.

 

I want to save the marriage because my wife is a wonderful, loving, talented person, much better than I deserve. I don't want to look back in 5 years and wish I had tried harder to keep her. And while I don't think children should be the sole reason for staying, our 4-year-old daughter definitely factors in -- for my wife, too.

Edited January 7, 2013 by firstandlast
Clarity

[JamesM]

I have been denying the physical part of the affair. I told her I was using this forum to help work through things (we are also in MC together). She was using my iPad and noticed a search I had done for my previous posts (I was reviewing all the advice I had received up to that point) and figured out pretty quickly that I was "firstandlast." After trying to talk my way out of things I admitted it a couple of days later.

 

This may be your biggest negative to reconciliation. SHE had to pull this out of you and you lied continually until you had not choice but to be truthful. Now she will wonder if there is more...or if you have truly quit the affair completely.

 

I've been in strict NC since mid-October, when I told the xMOW in no uncertain terms that I wanted to be left alone. (Despite the new affair, she had remained in contact with me out of "concern" for me because my family was out of town.) We work for the same company but at different locations and on separate projects. I don't know whether she's still carrying on with my other coworker. I suspect they are, but it's none of my business, and it doesn't really matter anyway. I'm interviewing with other companies -- I want to sever all ties with her and the coworker and be rid of the constant reminders.

 

It is good that you are leaving. She will be back if you stay, and you don't need the temptation or the headache.

 

As for going to a new company, you will want to make your wife a part of this new job. She will need to know that you have no secrets.

 

Your other question is a trickier. Affair sex always seems hotter. I can tell you that even if my marriage falls apart and the xMOW's marriage falls apart, the xMOW is not relationship material, at least not for me. Not that I'm morally superior, but a regular relationship with her would end in disaster. I'm slowly waking up from the fog.

 

I didn't ask per se who is better at sex, although you answered that question. I wanted to know who in your mind was more beautiful and sexually attractive. Who gets you the most excited?

 

I want to save the marriage because my wife is a wonderful, loving, talented person, much better than I deserve. I don't want to look back in 5 years and wish I had tried harder to keep her. And while I don't think children should be the sole reason for staying, our 4-year-old daughter definitely factors in -- for my wife, too.

 

Do you want to please her in every way? Do you feel the desire to make her happy? Do you want to do everything in your power to keep her from ever getting hurt?

 

Why do I ask? Because if you cannot truthfully answer yes to these questions, then you need to ask why you want to save the marriage. You have already shown that her feelings were second to your pleasure. You have already shown her that you were not trustworthy.

 

You need to show her in every way that it was more than a simple mistake. It was the worst that you have ever done. And your love for her is still there. You must give her as much time as she needs to recover and decide what she wants to do. And you must show her that whatever makes her happy is what you want most...even if it means losing her.

 

Children ARE a good reason and motivator.

 

Good luck. Many marriages recover...don't give up hope.