SmithM Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Someone answered my other question and said that because of details below, my husband is not only serious about his affair, but that he's grooming her as his next wife?! I had never considered that before. Am I being blind?! "I found out that my husband has been having an affair with the same woman for 4 years, on and off, 9 break-ups that I could count in hundreds of emails. In one of them, she mentions the fact that they only had sex twice in all that time, so that's how I know.* He also mentions a letter she wrote him after one of the break ups, which apparently was 25 pages long, single spaced!! And my husband writes that he read it?! The whole thing? Yet, he maintains that they were only about sex, there were no dates, meeting for sex only twice. If she was only sex, as he puts it, would he have taken the time to read a long letter like that?! An I right to think he's lying and he was emotionally involved? (PLEASE stick to answering the question I ask only. Thanks.) The other problem is that he went back to her 3 times after the letter, even went as far as offering her a job working for him. She said no but he kept track of her anyway ( I walked into his office at home and saw him checking her online profile). I want opinions about what all of this means. Please be blunt about what this means to him? Because I don't believe him. (He says it's because they only talked every few months, that's why it's been 4 years. The emails support that. And that they haven't even seen each other in over 2 years, since the last time "some sex" happened. Am I being dumb thinking this could be true? That they only talked every few months so it's not serious? He was almost always the ine asking her to come back when they "stopped talking".) Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Let me ask you this: If it was just sex, wouldn't SHE have seen through it in all that time? Be honest. What keeps a woman in it for that long? I think you can answer your own question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmithM Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I keep thinking she's in love with him, but he's not in love with her. I guess I'm just trying to figure out, too, if this even counts as an affair. I mean, let's just assume he's telling the truth and contact was sporadic? I don't know what that means and it matters to me, so I'm looking for opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I keep thinking she's in love with him, but he's not in love with her. I guess I'm just trying to figure out, too, if this even counts as an affair. I mean, let's just assume he's telling the truth and contact was sporadic? I don't know what that means and it matters to me, so I'm looking for opinions. It's an emotional affair and also a physical affair. Your husband may not "love" her but he definitely wants her to love him, he's getting something out of the affair, attention, and high drama. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 If you have all of these emails over a 4-year period, can't you tell from reading them how much emotional involvement he had? We only have a few paragraphs from you to go on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He also mentions a letter she wrote him after one of the break ups, which apparently was 25 pages long, single spaced!! And my husband writes that he read it?! The whole thing? These things get tricky. Remember, just as your H was lying to you about the affair, he was almost certainly lying to his affair partner also. I wouldn't make any decision based on what he wrote or said to her at the time as it could all be BS. Just like an onion, every time you peel a layer back, there's another one underneath... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He cared about her enough to keep her around for 4 years and I highly doubt they effed just twice in that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmithM Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 But that's the thing, he did not keep her around. They emailed every few months to get together for sex, talked about our family and hers, how she shouldn't go back to work, parenting. She was emotionally involved. But he kept going back to her even though he cheated with 2 others I know of in that same period. Why would he still want sex with her 4 years later? And yes, it was only twice, too long to explain. He also backed out of sex multiple times, so did she. I need to understand this. I need opinions, because my heart tells me he's lying but I want to use my head. I need bluntness, I think! And thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 But that's the thing, he did not keep her around. They emailed every few months to get together for sex, talked about our family and hers, how she shouldn't go back to work, parenting. She was emotionally involved. But he kept going back to her even though he cheated with 2 others I know of in that same period. Why would he still want sex with her 4 years later? And yes, it was only twice, too long to explain. He also backed out of sex multiple times, so did she. I need to understand this. I need opinions, because my heart tells me he's lying but I want to use my head. I need bluntness, I think! And thank you all. Jeez, he also cheated with 2 others during the same time period. He's a serial cheater. Why are you more freaked out if he has feelings for the OW, than the fact he cheated with 3 women that you know of. He still chases the OW because she lets him, simple as that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He's interested in her enough to keep her around for years and years. It doesn't matter how often they had sex. He lied to you and he's emotionally attached to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Why are you more freaked out if he has feelings for the OW, than the fact he cheated with 3 women that you know of. Excellent question. It merits further scrutiny. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 But that's the thing, he did not keep her around. They emailed every few months to get together for sex, talked about our family and hers, how she shouldn't go back to work, parenting. She was emotionally involved. But he kept going back to her even though he cheated with 2 others I know of in that same period. Why would he still want sex with her 4 years later? And yes, it was only twice, too long to explain. He also backed out of sex multiple times, so did she. I need to understand this. I need opinions, because my heart tells me he's lying but I want to use my head. I need bluntness, I think! And thank you all. OK am I reading this correctly, are you saying there have been others? You already know what to do, you just want complete strangers to tell you what you need to hear. You want to be told the affairs meant nothing and we all know that is bull. To me its 100 percent worse if it meant nothing, so think of it this way if a spouse were going to cheat and it meant nothing then what do they really think their marriage is worth. Imagine possibly throwing away a good marriage for an AFFAIR that meant NOTHING! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 ...he's getting something out of the affair... KEY words right there. In the end, sometimes that's all you need to know. Does it really matter what drives messed up people to be messed up? It doesn't make it any less painful but if he's had three affairs (that you know of), maybe it's time to cut your losses on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 In my opinion anyone who writes a 25 page letter is ...something isn't right. Also, you read his emails...what did he say? Can't you tell from those? Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 In my opinion anyone who writes a 25 page letter is ...something isn't right. Also, you read his emails...what did he say? Can't you tell from those? I agree that someone who writes a 25 page letter sounds odd, and even odder is someone who actually reads it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 He probably read the whole thing to find out if he dies in the end. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I agree with Furious and Freestyle. First, I doubt he had any serious feelings for her because he is a serial cheater and likely doesn't have strong feelings for any of the four of you. He lies to all of you in similar fashion to keep you doing what he wants. Second, I do think it's worse to not have feelings. Some cheaters somewhat unconsciously cross a lot of boundaries, develop too much of an emotional connection, and fall into a 'not just friends' kind of trap. They certainly have to own their poor decisions and choices but I can at least sympathize with them much more than someone who is predatory with multiple OW going at the same time. I'm sorry to rain on your reconciliation parade but I wiuldn't believe a ****ing thing this guy says for a long ****ing time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmithM Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I think the whole story about this one woman is odd. I've met her, she's very attractive even though I don't know what the other two looked like. But those really were just sex. With this one he says he gets scared, has never cheated before, etc. the emails were about sex, but also families, about how she should stay at home with her son... And as soon as he found out shed gotten a job, he immediately went back to her asking her to get back together... This was shortly before I told him I knew. She had already denied him and told him to leave her alone because she loved him but needed to forget what they had and wanted him to do the same. It bothers me that she left, not him. Of course I'm freaked out by the other affairs, but I need to know if this one meant something to him to see if I can forgive him or not. I can't fight if I don't know what I'm fighting against. Is it likely that she was just sex too? He went as far as asking her if she had been with someone else since the last time they broke up, acting possessive - I know my husband - and now he says she meant nothing?! Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I think the whole story about this one woman is odd. I've met her, she's very attractive even though I don't know what the other two looked like. But those really were just sex. With this one he says he gets scared, has never cheated before, etc. the emails were about sex, but also families, about how she should stay at home with her son... And as soon as he found out shed gotten a job, he immediately went back to her asking her to get back together... This was shortly before I told him I knew. She had already denied him and told him to leave her alone because she loved him but needed to forget what they had and wanted him to do the same. It bothers me that she left, not him. Of course I'm freaked out by the other affairs, but I need to know if this one meant something to him to see if I can forgive him or not. I can't fight if I don't know what I'm fighting against. Is it likely that she was just sex too? He went as far as asking her if she had been with someone else since the last time they broke up, acting possessive - I know my husband - and now he says she meant nothing?! Yes, she meant something to him. Your husband is lying. He's a liar. C'mon, you already know this. Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Is it likely that she was just sex too? He went as far as asking her if she had been with someone else since the last time they broke up, acting possessive - I know my husband - and now he says she meant nothing?! Are you sure you know him? Why are you obsessing about this one woman when he was also with 2 others at the same time? Are you OK with him having sex with other women as long as he doesn't have any feelings for them? There's nothing wrong with it if you are. It works for some couples. The answer to your question is: yes, this woman meant something to him. He's not going to keep in contact for all those years if she meant nothing. If she meant nothing, he would have done her, then dumped her. You may want to question, or investigate, how many other women he's been with. You know of 3 other women. It wouldn't surprise me if there are others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 If this one woman was the only concern, then I would say that it doesn't matter if it was emotional and physical. I don't see in anything you have said that he is grooming her to be his next wife...at all. I simply see a man seducing a woman for a relationship. Men can get more than sex from an affair to fill a void in their lives. He would have enjoyed the admiration and letters from her as well as the sex. If it was only about this woman, then I would say that you may have a chance to reconcile with him. BUT...if I read correctly and he has had sex with at least two other women, then as scary as it sounds...you need to examine why you are staying with him. He has shown that he has no problem cheating with other women. I don't see him quitting. You seem to focus on feeling better if it was "just sex." Why? Perhaps if your marriage was sexless, then I could say this problem may be solved if the two of you solved why you have no sex. But if your marriage has never lacked in the sex department for the most part, then I can say that his serial cheating is him looking for "variety." No matter what you do...you cannot change this behavior, because you can never provide enough variety, No woman can. I rarely say to leave a marriage, but in this case, it seems the most viable option for your future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 SmithM, I think your concern would be better used if you concentrate on your H, and why he thinks cheating multiple times is acceptable behavior. Like some others mentioned, he might have deep seated issues where he can never be faithful to any one person. You need to base your future on what you want and need out of a H! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 "I found out that my husband has been having an affair with the same woman for 4 years, on and off, 9 break-ups that I could count in hundreds of emails. This is because he is emotionally involved with her. Breaking up 9 times tells me one of them was trying to end the affair and the other didn't want to but kept getting pulled back in. In one of them, she mentions the fact that they only had sex twice in all that time, so that's how I know.* This tells me their affair was not about the sex. There were heavy emotions involved in this affair. He also mentions a letter she wrote him after one of the break ups, which apparently was 25 pages long, single spaced!! And my husband writes that he read it?! The whole thing? Does your H not like reading or something? Of course he read the whole thing because he was interested in what she had to say. If she was only sex, as he puts it, would he have taken the time to read a long letter like that?! An I right to think he's lying and he was emotionally involved? Again, what is wrong with reading a letter? Most people would read the letter. He wanted to know how she felt. For her to write such a long letter tells me she had alot to get off her chest and they must have a close bond for her to open up the way she did. If it was only about sex and they only had sex twice why would they break up 9 times and she write such a long letter? I would guess they were in love with each other but he did not want to lose his marriage, home, kids and all the other good things that come with marriage. Have you seen the letter? That would tell you everything you need to know. The back to her 3 times after the letter, even went as far as offering her a job working for him. She said no but he kept track of her anyway ( I walked into his office at home and saw him checking her online profile). I want opinions about what all of this means. At least the OW was smart enough not to accept his job offer. He misses her and that's the reason he was checking her online profile. Please be blunt about what this means to him? Because I don't believe him. (He says it's because they only talked every few months, that's why it's been 4 years. The emails support that. And that they haven't even seen each other in over 2 years, since the last time "some sex" happened. Am I being dumb thinking this could be true? That they only talked every few months so it's not serious? He was almost always the ine asking her to come back when they "stopped talking".) Yes it seems you husband had very deep feelings for this OW. We need more information to decide just how deep his feelings were. I would guess this: She probably asked him to leave you for her and he agreed he would. Then he backed out because of what he would lose and she tried to move on with her life but he kept calling. That would explain why they only had sex twice because more than likely she told him she didn't want to have sex until he filed for divorce. He kept pressing her to see him and telling her lie after lie that he was going to tell you he wanted a divorce. He kept chickening out but still wanted her on the side. Finally after the 9th time she got some sense and move on from him. Yes he still thinks about her and desires her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I can't fight if I don't know what I'm fighting against. I didn't realize from your first post that your H is a serial cheater. The only thing you are fighting for is a man who will cheat again. Either he isn't happy with you, but you do everything for him and that's why he stays with you that's making him cheat on you; or he's a serial cheater. Is it likely that she was just sex too? He went as far as asking her if she had been with someone else since the last time they broke up, acting possessive - I know my husband - and now he says she meant nothing?! Obviously not, if he only had sex with her 2 times in 4 years their relationship was definitely not about sex. He is probably in love with her but she isn't the type to put up with his crap. She moved on, not him. She probably saw the same things you see but has a higher self esteem and will not accept his crap which he respects. Link to post Share on other sites
j'adore Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) I have been seeing mm for 4 years plus, we have tried to end it, could be as many times, we are both not happy carrying on like this nor ending it. Recently because of the limbo, I told his wife to her face, i was told she already knew by MM. she said she didn't. There was a terrible scene and upshot is he is still seeing me, we love each other, I am sorry. I hate my situation but I know if it was just sex it would not have lasted this long. I haven't made a decision as yet but we either change it or break again. that is what happens I believe that they do not discuss me at all and just ignore the truth. I know him and he would never admit to her that he loved me as it would hurt her more. Edited November 1, 2012 by j'adore Link to post Share on other sites
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