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Cyber sex in a chat room IS cheating!!

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Old 27th March 2004, 8:46 AM   #1
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Unhappy Cyber sex in a chat room IS cheating!!

Hello everybody. Oh boy, this is the first time I have voiced this to the public but AAAAH!!! I am so disturbed by it!!

I hope I don't get booted for the frank subject of my topic...not only did I discover my boyfriend was going into yahoo chat rooms and masturbating via webcam with people, I also discovered he was doing it with MEN.

I just left him for good 6 days ago but we were together a little over a year and believe it or not, everything else in our relationship was perfect.
( Yes, that includes the obvious - that was, in fact...always fantastic ).

I first knew something weird was going on when I moved in with him - just a month after we'd known each other.

I had found pictures of erect male genitalia in his temp. files.
There were several pictures and when I asked him about them , he looked completely surprised and said he had no idea what they were or where they came from.

I am not a silly girl and I pride myself on living by my intuition and my intuition was telling me something really fishy was going on.

To make a very long story short ( if I am lucky, perhaps you will all be able to read the full version in an upcoming month's issue of Jane magazine in the "It Happened To Me" section ) once I snooped - as he called it - around enough, things became very clear.
It was not overnight, it was gradual and I sure learned a lot.

Once I figured out the facts, he then painted the general picture. ( He knew I knew enough ).

WHEN HE SINGLE... ( He swore it was only before he had met me ) out of boredom, out of curiousity, whatever...he would go online to yahoo chat and masturbate for people.
He said he was an exhibitionist and that men were more complimentary than women.
He swore up and down he was not into guys and I am VERY open minded but that threw me for a loop that to this day, I don't think I will ever understand.

I wanted to know what he did and why, I wanted to know so I could understand, but he really didn't like talking about it.
He said if I hadn't found out, he would never have told me, because it was before he met me and it had nothing to do with anything.
He also said ( here's the clincher ) it was a secret even to himself.
He said he liked to do it because it was taboo and anonymous.
He seemed to forget that his face was right there on his profile.
( Yes, I looked everywhere )
The strange thing was, he got mad at me for going through his things and acted as though he couldn't trust me anymore for THAT.
He was always paranoid I was looking up what he's done on the computer.
He became very weird about me using it and weird about me downloading anything onto it and he began erasing his history but asking me to keep mine up. HA!
Over the course of time, he began to divulge little things to me that he had denied previously.
For example - one day I stumbled across a screen shot picture from his webcam.
It was somewhere in the temp. files and it was a picture of him with his butt up in the air and his d*** in his hand!!
He actually laughed about it when he mentioned it.
He said most of the time he was very dominant online but sometimes he liked to be told what to do.
The more I acted as though it was nothing, the more he opened up and told me.
It's a great method, but it takes a really long time - depending on the person's comfort level.
I was so shocked when I found that picture. It just screamed not straight to me.

So....pair that with his admissions to having received oral sex from a man when he was 18...flash forward 7 years to when he was 29 and newly divorced - to the sudden preoccupation with admitted bi-curiousity, a little late in the game to be questioning your sexuality, I would the time he met me 5 years later, after he had been single all that time and had explored a local gay men's private spa but had, he said - walked out immediately upon entering, because he got freaked out.
He seems to think that doing these things online with men is ok because he's not actually doing it with them in PERSON.
He seems to think he is still 100% straight.
The sexuality thing isn't even the point, the point is that ever since I first knew anything, I have not trusted him one bit on his computer.
And he has not trusted me.
He thinks I was not to be trusted because I could not stop looking for things and anytime I ever found something new, he would always get mad that I had found it.
I couldn't ever shake it, I tried to forget but I just always felt as though he had still done it while he was with me.

6 days ago I was cleaning out the computer.
I had been to a lot of sites and was going though one by one to make sure everything was cleared, so as to free up disk space.
I was not looking for anything on him but I found the proof I had always said would be all I'd need to leave.
It was defragmented disk files, I found them purely by mistake as I didn't know I could even read them. There were a series of dates and times listed that spanned through the majority of our relationship. The chat rooms were listed. The people in the rooms were listed. It specifically said his yahoo ID and everything.

I left him immediately.

The funny thing is, I don't think he ever thought he was doing anything wrong!!!
I'd always told him that chat rooms and webcam things were cheating, he knew the difference.
You do not go into a chat site and talk about sex and whip out your you know what and go to town for other people, men or women and expect that to not be cheating.
It is still sexual gratification with another person regardless of the fact that that person is not physically there with you.
What it boils down to is - if you can't tell your's wrong.

I firmly believe that the computer does not make people do things, they are doing things because they want to.

Thank God I found out!!!
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Old 27th March 2004, 9:55 AM   #2
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Glad you left him, glad the truth came out...but I wanted to comment on something you wrote:

I am not a silly girl and I pride myself on living by my intuition and my intuition was telling me something really fishy was going on.
Well hun, your intuition either wasn't as sharp as you think it was, or else you spend a whole year living in some kind of denial....because you admitted that in the very beginning of the relationship (when finding the pics of erect penises), you felt something was "off"...yet you stayed with him for a full year (or more?)

I also noticed that you moved in with him after only a month of being together. That's awful fast!!! Had you taken longer to "get to know him", you might have learned about his freaky side well before you moved in.

The guy's obviously got problems.....and maybe even some kind of sexual addiction, where he can't live without being an exhibitionist. I've personally never understood the whole cybersex me it's laughable/lame/pathetic/creepy all rolled into one. And to wack off to strangers on one's webcam? Yuck.

Good thing you left him......but don't get weak and go back, whatever you do. He sounds very lost.
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Old 27th March 2004, 2:38 PM   #3
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Talking HA HA HA

Hey Befuddled11...
You make a great point, but what I was saying was I knew something fishy was going on but I didn't know what.
Yes, the erect (fill in blank) were on the computer, but at the time I found those, I was quite naive and had no clue of the whole story.
Remember, I didn't really find out the majority of it until much later.
I may have moved in fast to some people, but it was at a speed which was great for the 2 of us. That I moved in with him was beneficial, actually - not detrimental to discovering all this as I'm pretty sure that if I had never moved in with him - or had I even waited longer before I moved in with him...I probably never would have had the opportunity to discover these things at all.
As I said, everything else was great but there was just that nagging feeling that he was lying about the fact that he was not doing it.
I never knew for sure.
I stayed with him because other than that, I was very happy and I REALLY wanted to believe him, so yes, you could say I was sort of in denial, but really, I was just sort of waiting and watching to see if the truth ever actually presented itself. Which it did, obviously. WooHOO!!
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Old 28th March 2004, 8:32 AM   #4
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It's me, again

Hey, I poked around a bit and read other people's cyber gripes and realized that perhaps more details in my shortened story would have been more informative.

I mean, there are 2 issues here :

1) Do straight men REALLY j/o to other men ?
I am not sure but my instinct tells me he's bi but horrified to admit it to himself.
( Although my best friend seems to think he's fully aware he is bi and believes he has even pursued it since we've been together )...

2) His webcam/chat room habits and the fact that he lied to me about doing them while he was with me!

Ok, here are the details I ommitted in my earlier story.

Not only had I discovered the pictures of erect male genitalia in the beginning of our relationship, the other items I found were very suggestive e-mail addresses and what appeared to be user names - scribbled all over little pieces of paper in his desk drawer.

Like an idiot, I always confronted him about them and of course, he always denied knowing anything about them.

My ( newly ex ) boyfriend was always very "Honest" with me about everything, or so he always said.
He made sure to let me know that if I ever had a question or whatever, that he would answer it .

I'm a firm believer in whatever you did before you met me is none of my business, but he filled me in on things that I wish I'd never been told and it's a good indication of his personality, I think and a glimpse inside his true character.

1) In those few years after his divorce and while he was single, he slept with lots of married, engaged & taken women.
I don't know how he found them but he always swore he never sought them out.

I always hated that and often pointed out - if you can't respect anyone else's relationship, how can you respect your own ?

He said he was just at a time when he was not looking for anything serious.

* We are talking about low down, dirty acts of screwing the neighbors g. friend from 2 doors down and he even told me one story about one of them who was engaged and she actually modeled her wedding dress for him!!!!

2) Everything he ever told me seemed to revolve around sex.
( We are both highly sexual individuals but as strange as it is for me to say, I think maybe he was oversexed, or at least really confused )

The bj he got when he was 18 was from a man at an escort agency.

He said he had gone there to apply for a job but was told that it was for men.

I nver got any more details out of him other than that, but somewhere in between being told it was for me, the guy had him take off his clothes to show his stuff and proceeded to give him a blowjob!!

And I said - at what point did you decide not to kick him in the head ?

Most straight men would bolt, if not practically murder the guy, am I wrong ?

Other times, he informed me of how he had gotten offers or invitations to do porn videos but had always turned them down because he's got kids with his ex wife.

It's as though his entire life has always revolved around sex.

He's in the military and has been for most of his life and he told me ALL about the hookers he had in the Phillipines and in Okinawa...but then, he was a horny teenager at the time, so I didn't really think anything of it.

I never liked knowing it, but his age at the time was understandable.

The of course, I heard the stories about the xxx theatres that he went to where he used to live ( in the same state where we are now ) and how he used to j/o to porn there.

I asked him if he did that with people around him and looking at him and he said yes.

He said he only did that in places where it was acceptable.

He paid one of those dancing girls to dance for him once ( All this was from when he was younger ) and he j/o'd while watching her.

He told me about one time when he was in the marines and had gone for a massage and the girl climbed on top of him.

He told me about another time when he had asked a cab driver where he could get a hooker and the driver took him to a hotel where he proceeded to go to a room that was filled with other men and hookers all screwing together.

Let's just say, he is no stranger to the adult industry.

Of course, the last time he ever did anything like that ( he said ) was when he was fresh out of his marriage and he and his ex went to a swingers club and according to him, they messed around with a couple.

He got the girl and she got the guy, but he said his ex also messed around with the woman.

I asked if his ex was bi and he said yes.

He said there was another time that they had hired a female escort ( while they were married ) and they messed around with the escort and he slept with her but that another time, he had come home to find the same escort with his wife!

( Yes, it is one big Jerry Springer episode - I have to get it off my chest )

So, all this stuff I knew about him, whether I asked him or not and it didn't all sit well with me but I thought, ok, it was before we met, etc, etc.

He told me that he didn't want our relationship to be like the one he had with his ex wife.

He always told me he never wanted to bring another person into it and that's the way I wanted it.

So, maybe all this background info. is helpful in knowing what he was doing behind my back.

Not too long ago, I was going trough his underwear drawer ( he is currently out of town and I liked to wear his boxers around the house - like shorts ) and I found a black men's g-string!
I was laughing, because at that time, it was so not a surprise. I was always finding one thing or another.

He said he had it because he had tried out to be a dancer but could not dance.
He said it was old but it looked like new.

Anyway, back to the cyber thing...

Once I became aware something was going on with the computer, I began to notice that every morning and every night -like clockwork, he would log onto both his AOL and yahoo IM.

I was the only one on his yahoo buddy list and we never wrote each other there so I never understood why he would open it up each day. ????

When I brought that up one day, he said he had it in case anyone was trying to find him.

I tied the webcam into it when I began to notice that its position was often moved from where it was on his desk when I had left for work some mornings.

When I asked him about the webcam , he said it had come with the computer and that he used it to keep an eye on his kids when they were over. ( They were'nt over at the time ).

I always made a mental note of the webcam position and if it had been changed.

I started taking notes down from files I came across on the computer - dates of yahoo use and and and came up every so often - dates from when we were together, but nothing specific, nothing indicating his activity there.

He had a crazy collection of porn and webcam sites in his favourites list and on his desktop.
( Most of which were deleted once I moved inwith him )

I found some interesting negatives in one of his drawers of him standing naked in his living room and proudly holding his dick.
When I showed it to him and asked him why he had it taken, he laughed and said he couldn't remember.

Funny, he always said he couldn't remember...

I found temp. files that said he had gone to free live video, which, when i checked it out, had girls that you could talk to for free but had to pay to get naked.

I mentioned this all to him and told him there was a difference between looking at playboy and doing your oqn thing to chatting with real people over the internet.

He always denied having gone to those sites or doing those things and he said he agreed with me.

I asked him several times if he was addicted to porn and also if he had a need to exhibit himself but he always said no.

Well, once he went away for the military for amonth and while he was gone, I found his password in his backup files.

I'd always been very curious about his password because he'd always made such a fuss over entering it whenver I was nearby.
If he'd never made such a stink, I probably never would have cared to get it.

I got it and logged onto his yahoo IM and didn't see anythong there ( darn ) but then I went into his yahho chat group listing and found 3 groups which he had JUST applied to join that month :

A ) Cum on my daughter's face

B ) Voyeur dad

C ) Spying on the girl's next door

I was so shocked because they all revolved around teenage girls and Father's with daughters and he's got a teenage step - daughter!!

I came right out and told him I had found his password and had found that stuff and then I broke up with him but he managed to convince me he didn't know what it was when he had signed up and that he really had no interest in that at all and we worked things out and got back together. ( Sad to say )

So, after that, he always said I had control issues and often told me i was just like his ex because SHE was always looking for things too and he knew I hated the comparison.

I don't condone what i did but when you think someone's not telling you something, you WANT to find out what it is!!!

I don't remember how I found out about the whole yahoo chat & webcam thing, even.

I guess I must have blocked it out of my mind.

All I remember is one day we we togehter in the room and an IM popped up from some guy.
My boyfriend literally ran for the computer but I got thre first and sat down and wrote hi back.
The guy wrote - 'I wrote you here once before' and I was right in the middl eof responding when my bf leaned over and cut it off.


Then the story of how he used to masturbate for men came out.
He said he hadn't done it since he had been with me and that it was nothing so I asked him - since it was nothing, to do what he did in front of ME.

I told him I didn't like it but if it was nothing, than he would have no problem doing it with me in the room.

He was surprised and seemed awkward but he got online and went into a room and proceeded to accept men's webcam invitations to view him and view them...but I noticed he was being picky about who he watched, he would comment on their dicks and if they didn't have a nice one or didn't have a nice body as well, he would skip over them. ( Do straight guys do that ) ?

He got a few guys on his screen and had them all watching him and proceeded to do his thing. He seemed very awkward and nervous with me there but he sure as hell didn't hold back with the one who was IM'ing him.

The guy who was IM'ing him was being very specific and my BF was being very specific back. I couldn't believe he was doing this but I just wanted to see what it was all about and I thought that, maybe if he was still doing these things while he was with me, that this would take the thrill away.

So, whatever - he did it, he did it to completion and then he QUICKLY shut off the computer.

When we talked about it later, he said he did it only for me and when I questioned him about his sexuality, he got mad and told me that now he felt stupid for having done it at all.

He swore up and down that it was just something he used to do before he met me, before his workouts.
He swore he never "finished the job". OKAAAYYYY.

So, as obsessive as it all sounds, it really was over the course of our relationship that I found all this stuff out and I really believed he was telling me the truth.

I wasn't going crazy looking for things but I sure as hell kept my eyes open, let's just put it that way.

We had a great relationship outside of that and i was easily fooled, I guess.

You all know the rest.

The warped thing is, he thinks I'm the nut for going through his things.
He doesn't seem to understand I had a reason for it.
He seems to see only that.

Is this common for people who have done things like this ?

Is it a form of denial?

As for the sexuzlity thing, I personaly think he's bi as all hell.

I had forgotten to mention that very early on, ( around the time of the erect pics on the computer ) I had found a website he had gone to and it was a gay porn site.

When I had asked him about that, he said he had been looking for a site to post his picture ( he's a bodybuilder ) and that he hadn't known it was a gay site.

Well, last month, he just "informed" me oh so casually about a place in the city where he is currently, that has naked men dancing!

When I asked him how he knew that, he said from a magazine.

When I asked him what magazine, he said EXP magazine.

He said it was a gay publication but he hadn't known it when he picked it up.

Somebody please also offer me your opinion on this subject as well, as I am not sure what to think!

We are no longer together, but it would still be helpful to get an outside perspective.

Thank you, the novel is done.
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Old 28th March 2004, 11:51 AM   #5
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I can truly say it is not totally unusual for a guy to send you a 'pic of his dick' with no provocation when in chat rooms. It's why I quit them 3 years ago. It seems to be part of the acceptable culture with both sexes playing.

I don't know if it signifies a phsycholigical defect or a sign of the times. I'm certainly no prude, but I found it to be stupid entertainment.

I don't blame you, I would break up with a guy like this too. I would prefer my man's 'package' being MY viewing pleasure....not internet fodder. LOL!
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Old 28th March 2004, 1:38 PM   #6
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Wowzer!! Well, I consider myself a really tolerant and understanding person, but even I would have thought twice about getting into a relationship with a guy with all this much past. I agree that he's probably bi, and also that he's uncomfortable with the facts of his own sexuality, hence his desire to hide it. There are some people who could manage a relationship with a bi guy, but you'd really need to know what you were getting into and accept it for what it is.
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Old 28th March 2004, 1:48 PM   #7
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I can truly say it is not totally unusual for a guy to send you a 'pic of his dick' with no provocation when in chat rooms.

I've never done chat rooms, and I can't say I regret it. That's a little intense, even for me. And I'm no prude.
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Old 28th March 2004, 4:54 PM   #8
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Talking I'm no prude either!

I'm right there with ya! This must be wacky as all hell for everybody to read...
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Old 29th March 2004, 2:58 AM   #9
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I think your ex exercises very few ethics surrounding his sexual behavior. It's one thing to conceal your bisexuality or bicuriosity from a partner of the opposite sex (I think this is incredibly common), but quite another thing to persist in online sex--apparently daily!--when you've told him how you feel about it.

It does sound a little like a sex addiction, too, on his part (all those inappropriate women, the married ones, etc.).

I know you're mad as hell right now, but someday this will make a fantastic story. And congratulations for having the strength to break up with this guy. He may love you, but his compulsions seem a lot stronger than his ability to respect you and keep you happy.
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Old 29th March 2004, 5:02 PM   #10
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Thumbs up Thank you, thank you, thank you

Thank you all got your words of encouragement!
I feel better already!

Velveteel, you made me laugh with the story comment. HA! I agree.

"I know you're mad as hell right now, but someday this will make a fantastic story"
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Old 29th March 2004, 5:05 PM   #11
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Sorry , didn't know how to do the quote thingie

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Old 8th April 2004, 12:56 AM   #12
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I truly thank God that u found out too. He is bi-sexually and not bi-curious so he can stop that lie. Any man that does that for men to see is either gay or bi-sexually and there is no way around it. thank God u found out before it was too late because suppose he would have met up with some of these men or women and actually had sex with them in person. HIV is no joke along with other STD's. There are so many people out there that think sex and cheating is a game. I don't care if he never was with these people in person. Cheating is cheating and there is no other way around it. My significant other is chatting with a married woman and I told him up front that I was not going to tolerate it. We are on bad terms and far as I am concerned our relationship is over and I don't care about ever getting in touch with him again. I know I deserve someone better as well as my one year old daughter. We do not have time for cyber-cheaters and cyber crazed dummies who masturbate for other people online and with their web-cam how sick!!!! U did the right thing girl, just keep ur head up and keep the faith. The right man is out there for u. As for me too. And I can't wait until I meet him.
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Old 8th April 2004, 1:00 AM   #13
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I'm still captured by the picture in your avatar, it's priceless!!!!!
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Old 8th April 2004, 1:02 AM   #14
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Originally posted by pinklove
I truly thank God that u found out too. He is bi-sexually and not bi-curious so he can stop that lie. Any man that does that for men to see is either gay or bi-sexually and there is no way around it. thank God u found out before it was too late because suppose he would have met up with some of these men or women and actually had sex with them in person.
Huh? So what if he's bisexual? Plenty of bisexuals are monogamous. This guy's biggest problem isn't sexual identity confusion, it's succumbing to a long-term sexual addiction, and hiding it from his girlfriend.
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Old 8th April 2004, 5:20 PM   #15
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Originally posted by dyermaker
Huh? So what if he's bisexual? Plenty of bisexuals are monogamous. This guy's biggest problem isn't sexual identity confusion, it's succumbing to a long-term sexual addiction, and hiding it from his girlfriend.

Hey Dyermaker ( That's my fav. Zeppelin song by the way ) Thanks for your input on the subject and you're right - Bisexuals can be monogamous but one of the questions I had was if anyone agreed with me that he was bi because I am very confused on that subject.
I mean, all signs point in that direction and I just wanted to know if it was blatantly obvious to others as well.
No, that was not so much the point as what he was doing but even when the truth was staring me right in the face - he still insisted he was straight.
He will swear to it till the day he dies!
PS - It's only been 2 weeks since I left and already he's got an ad out online looking for a new girl!!!
He should come with a warning label for the next girl, I swear.
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