Learning when to let go...

[LOVE4ALLSEASONS]

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, 3 of which we spent as best friends. Last October we found out we were expecting our first child together and we were so excited. We were both looking forward to adding to our family. I havea 4 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and he has 2 older sons from a previous marriage. Just before we could break the news to anyone..I had a miscarriage 2 weeks before Christmas. We were both so hurt by this. His anger stemmed towards me for not going to the doctor as soon as I possibly could to take care of me or the baby the best way I possibly could have...I still blame myself for this however this is the exact reason infidelity found its way into our once seemingly perfect relationship. My fiance used to blame/torture me with the thought of neglecting our child that I looked for other people I could trust to talk to about the matter. The only person I told was an ex-bf (which I know was wrong) who was really caring/concerned about the situation and my well being. Long story short my fiance and I had got into a really bad fight one night about something I can't even remember...I ended up at my ex bfs house only because I couldn't face anyone else I knew with such a problem. I didn't think they would understand my situation...or blame me as well. It didn't take long after I arrived at my exs for things to go bad...I ended up cheating on my fiance. I know it was wrong but before I could even tell me fiance the truth he found everything he needed to see in a text my ex sent while I was sleeping. He was furious and all I could do was apologize. I promised him I would never do it again and he broke down in tears I knew I had hurt him deeply especially since we were supposed to be best friends. 3 months after that things get so much better he didn't blame me for cheating or the baby and it seemed we were back on the right track until I found out I was pregnant again. I was so excited things couldn't have gotten any better, however when I told him the good news he was anything but excited...he was suspicious. He told me that he didn't think the child was his and that he couldn't believe my word. I understood to a certain degree because I had cheated, but after going to the doctor and hearing how far a long i was there was no way this baby could have came from anywhere else. Even still he was doubtful but I figured he just needed time to heal after my infidelity..

 

Since then he has been caught sexting on 2 occasions and entertaining the thought of having an affair with one of his clients whom he expressed interest in. (He's a graphic designer/tattoo artist so he meets a lot of different people.) The only thing he could say after being caught all 3 times was "at least he didn't sleep with them"...and I never thought I had a defense against that because he didn't "really" cheat....however it still hurt to think he would even entertain the thought just because he knew I wouldn't say anything...

 

2 months ago I received a bunch of calls mysteriously from one of his clients ,whom I knew and have seen on many occasions, who wanted to express how happy she was for us and how excited she knows he'll be when the baby arrives. Shortly there after my husband starting doing a lot of business with this client claiming he showed her favoritism because she helped him with marketing his business...soon my fiance was sneaking out in the middle of the night, starting fights just to get out of the house, or just leaving because he wanted to go to clubs or bars with his friends which I couldn't do because I was still pregnant...which is understandable as well. (I spent a lot of my pregnancy alone because I didn't want to prevent him from having a life outside of us.) I thought something was going on and mentioned that what he was doing might not look right from the outside looking in but he assured me nothing was going on and that I of all people should know he wouldn't do something like that.

It didn't take too long for things to fall into place.

I started getting strange calls from his friend that was helping him with his business and she would only call to say hi or to see how my fiance and I were doing. But one time she called and it sounded like something was wrong so I expressed concern. She told me that she just found out she was pregnant a month ago and that the father was my fiance...he told her that he didn't believe it and wanted nothing else to do with her...I was so hurt...she said my fiancee would come to see here regularly and spend the night. Things had been going on like that since I told him about being pregnant. He even thought to express to her that he didnt think our baby was his and didn't think we were going to be together much longer. I couldn't even speak....she said she thought it was only fair she told me since she saw that he hadn't planned to.

 

I confronted my fiance who confessed to having the affair and said it was all because he was hurt I cheated and couldn't get rid of the feeling. He thought by trying to replace me with someone else he would feel better but that only made him realize "he couldnt live without me" * rolls eyes*

He knew the baby wasn't his because he used protection but that turned out to be untrue because I found out that he passed on a std to me while being pregnant with his child. The girl turned out not to be pregnant however which didn't surprise after finding out she was carrying an std.

After all that my ex fiance is still trying to make things work between us and I am still floored by the whole situation because even after all that he still compares his infidelity to my cheating with my ex. Should I not be mad or distant from him? Everything about my relationship hurts now and its only made worse by the fact that our baby is being brought into this mess and that's unfair to him( its a boy). The wedding is undeniably OFF but I'm not sure if I should work with him to build our relationship back up...

I literally gave him every part of me thinking he would be satisfied and forgive me for being the first to cheat...but idk if this is compatible. I find myself back in love with him sometimes but at the same time hating him and wondering if we start over would the same thing happen? I just want to let the pain go but I'm not sure if I should let him go as well...

Please help I will take advice from anywhere.

Sorry for length...

[drifter777]

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but what a mess! I normally do not try to give any advice to women who's partner has cheated on them but this seems like a tit-for-tat thing where you both have been unfaithful so here goes.

 

Ask yourself "why am I putting myself through all of this drama and agony"? I mean, you aren't married and don't have kids together so what the hell? It may be difficult right now to break it off and get on with your life, but compared to the hell of trying to sort out all of this and reconcile it is a piece of cake. Nothing is harder than reconciling a relationship after infidelity, and you have it times two.

 

It seems you already know what you need to do but are looking for some validation. This isn't your first rodeo so trust your instincts.

[GLDheart]

...and its only made worse by the fact that our baby is being brought into this mess...

 

Right there is the focal point of this saga. The real question is can you two GROW UP in time? You have screwed each other over so royally in this... but compared to that baby, I don't give a damn how you guys feel.

 

Can YOU let go of the pain and do what is best for the baby? Can HE?..... Start there. Then you will see where this can go.

[BetrayedH]

Recovering from infidelity is ridiculously difficult. It takes a truly remorseful wayward spouse and an incredibly forgiving betrayed spouse.

 

The wayward spouse has to be fully transparent with their life (an open book) and never get defensive about it. They have to suffer incredible bouts of anger from the BS and realized that they have caused this. It can take 2-5 years of very difficult work to restore an acceptable level of trust. I am just scratching the surface here. It is a tall order for someone who was pretty well checked out of the marriage already. And again, you need a BS that has 2-5 years of patience as well.

 

When both parties have cheated, it's not twice as hard. It is exponentially more difficult. Now both parties are faced with doing all that work as a WS and they're doing it for someone that has betrayed them in the worst possible way. Both parties go thru the stages of grief as a betrayed spouse while they have to do the behaviors of a remorseful WS. The common term for people in this situation is being a "madhatter" and it's for good reason.

 

It's not impossible but you can see how tough it is. There really does need to be a lot of fundamental love involved for both parties and humility on the side of both parties. At times, it will feel like it's asking for a planetary alignment.

 

You really have to get honest with each other and determine if you both feel there is a strong enough foundation to build upon. And it can't be just staying for the children. They are perceptive and will be affected by the vibe in the house.

 

I suggest a very honest and deep conversation between the two of you about the level of commitment you really have towards making this work. If either of you has one toe out the door, you should probably cut your losses. But if you are both prepared to jump in with both feet and do what it takes as a remorseful wayward, well, the choice is really yours.

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

Can YOU let go of the pain and do what is best for the baby? Can HE?..... Start there. Then you will see where this can go.

 

I think OP may be gone, but if not then clarify the baby thing. Your story is confusing with talk of miscarriage and his affair partner getting pregnant. Is the baby now being referred to his and yours?

[GLDheart]

I think OP may be gone, but if not then clarify the baby thing. Your story is confusing with talk of miscarriage and his affair partner getting pregnant. Is the baby now being referred to his and yours?

 

It is confusing. The way I read it was, that the OP originally miscarried, then cheated, then reconciled. Her betrayed spouse then cheated and got his affair partner (OW) pregnant but that baby ALSO miscarried. NOW, it seems that the OP is AGAIN pregnant and headed towards her due date on schedule.

 

I agree the OP does seem to be AWOL on this thread. I can imagine her current "offline" reality is a bit crazy right now. Hopefully she returns.

Edited September 12, 2012 by GLDheart

[BetrayedH]

It is confusing. The way I read it was, that the OP originally miscarried, then cheated, then reconciled. Her betrayed spouse then cheated and got his affair partner (OW) pregnant but that baby ALSO miscarried. NOW, it seems that the OP is AGAIN pregnant and headed towards her due date on schedule.

 

I agree the OP does seem to be AWOL on this thread. I can imagine her current "offline" reality is a bit crazy right now. Hopefully she returns.

 

I read her post the same way. The OP is pregnant again (after her previous miscarriage) and doesn't know if she should recommit to the fiance or not. OW turned out not to be pregnant after all even though that caused the Dday.