Cheating Husband that won't admit it

[Fedup&givingup]

Well, here I go...it's a long story, so I will try to stick with the facts. I feel literally sick in spilling my guts, and I feel a great level of humiliation in announcing this. My reason for posting this and sharing my story is I hope to gain some comfort, encouragement from the intelligent people that post here.

 

I think my husband is a cheat, and I want O-U-T. I am ashamed to still be married to him after nearly 5 years of his crap. He is adamant that he has NEVER cheated. I personally think that his failure of admission is due to him not wanting to give it up. I think that him having flings (which is all I have ever suspected, nothing that was love stricken, but it's still shattering to me) has been done to solely buff his ego. I've realized what a crafty, master manipulating, selfish person he really is. ThAT'S what it's about...getting the woman has to do with using his charm to win. Let me share all the fishy things that have occurred in our marriage/relationship.

 

1. The very first time I suspected he could be a player was actually on our first date. He is 11.5 years older than me. He was 37 and I was 26 at the time. Anyway, he made me uncomfortable on a great deal. He was winking at me! He is/was VERY, VERY attractive (several people have told me what a great looking guy he is, including other men). At the time he was a DJ (of many years) that lived at home with his mother (that should have been the only strike I needed to run for the hills without looking back) at age 37. OK, so first clue (this is all hindsight for me now) is that he was VERY smooth and charming, and it scared me. He gave me the impression of having loads of experience with women. Which is why I didn't sleep with him right away. I didn't want to be used.

 

2. The second time I had a strange feeling about him was he was doing a live radio broadcast at some local place ( a remote), and I stopped by to see him. He was sitting talking with a sales rep. that was VERY attractive. He had on nicer clothes than usual, like he would wear when he was trying to woo me. I took in his nervousness when he was talking to her, kind of like he did with me. When I said his name, and he noticed me, he looked VERY surprised to see me, and he really was nervous. He had told me about things he and this other woman had talked about from time to time...relationship related things, actually.

 

3. The third time I felt something was definitely off was he and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married. I had to go out of state to take care of some family business, and when I got home, he had changed the sheets. This was the first actual gut wrenching feeling I got that something was up, that all my feelings about him could really amount to something. Men just don't change the sheets. Naturally I questioned him about it. He said he knows that I do that once a week, and he was trying to help out...awwwww! WRONG! I also dust everything, clean the bathrooms, and clean the floors. None of that had been done, just the changing of the sheets. My reaction to this I think cued him in on how perceptive I was to things. To this day, I haven't let him changing the bed sheets just slide...not with everything else that's happened since.

 

4. I was noticing more and more that when we would go out anywhere how much his eyes were on other women, and when engaged in any sort of conversation with them how attentive and "friendly" he was. If he were talking to another man, it was completely different. I felt this was highly inappropriate behaviour for a married man.

 

5. He changed careers, and we had to move. Oh, we were married when this next thing happened. So, we moved, and he started his new job. Not too long after he was there, he and I met up at Chuck E. Cheese on a Friday night. Normally, he would have been very nasty and moody about being there, but he wasn't. He was acting quite differently, and I recall liking it at the moment. Right when we were about to leave, he told me he had to go back to the office to look into something. This was before he ever had a cell phone. He also had never had to go to the office after hours before. He was a LOW man on the totem pole at this time, and come to think of it, I don't even think that company would have given him a key to get in.

 

So, anyway, he's gone for three hours. I'm panicking and calling the office only to get no answer. I had no way of reaching him. When he finally comes home, I ask him where in the world he's been, and his whole attitude was VERY stand offish. He acted like he's never acted with me before. I told him I tried to call him, and he said he couldn't hear the phone ringing where he was...he works with computer servers, and there is a loud static noise, etc. I asked him why he didn't call me before he left...he just shrugged his shoulders. He wasn't even looking me in the eye, or anything. I flat out asked him, "are YOU having an affair???" He spoke to me in an icy, cold tone without looking at me and said, "If I was you wouldn't know about it." I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw UP. He came in there and said he wasn't having an affair. He got angry and said, "Do I smell like perfume?" I guess that's all he thought he had to do to cover his tracks. To this day, I feel in my gutt that he went and met with someone.

 

5. It was after this, that I really started to pay attention to what was going on. I bought one of those books about tell tale signs. He saw that I had it, and he laughed at it. He kept saying he hadn't cheated. He also told me that if he did, he would never tell me. Now, that's actually something I DO believe. In addition, he said he wouldn't do something with someone else in our house. Nice, eh. That's probably true since he did it already and changed the sheets, and I was on that like white on rice.

 

6. By the way, he NEVER had to go back to his office again to "check" on anything. About a few weeks after that, maybe a month or so, I decided to stop by his office one day and go out to lunch. His car was there, but he wasn't. The receptionist just said he wasn't there. So, I left. I confronted him that night. He said that he was there, in his car laying down because he had a sinus headache. He said that he saw me. If that was the truth and case, he would have called me when he got back to his desk, or he would have been the first one to mention it that night.

 

7. Years, time goes by. He's distant, he's moody. He's into pornography also. I noticed he had that before he and I ever lived together, and he knew then how I felt about that. He told me, "well, I was single then". He still had it, and he snuck and looked at it. I told him how it made me feel, etc. For all the men...it can make a woman feel completely inadequate. He told me he wouldn't have it anymore.

 

8. The next big strike with him in all of this was I stumbled across an e-mail he had written a former girlfriend of nine years he had. It reads (I still have it) "Hey Sexy. How are you. Haven't heard from you in a long time. What's up? Let me know. How far is Nashville from Columbus, OH? I'm supposed to be going there soon...." There was no corresponding e-mails, but all of his contact info. is attached to his e-mail, so anything else could have been dealt with over the phone. I found this e-mail in August of 2002, and he had written it in Feb. of 2001. Was I livid! His response to me was, "That was in the past, and I don't want her." Maybe not to marry, but to be screwing on the side. He told me that he and she had been keeping in touch here and there...RIGHT. I believe it was either her or the other woman from the radio station that he was screwing with when I was out of town that first time. It could have been who he was seeing after we moved. I believe 100% that he's been with her since I've been with him.

 

9. After this, he swears up and down that he's NEVER slept with anyone but me. He tells me he's NEVER had any conversations on the computer with anyone, and no phone conversations, etc. Well, December of last year I found something else out. A mother of one of my sons classmates and I had become friends last year. Our sons had been in the same class room together for that year and the preceding year. Year before last (September of 2002) I had a party for my son, and this other Mom was trying to befriend me. She had given me her phone numbers, etc. She and I didn't really become friends until (last) school year (2002-2003). Last December, she told me that my husband called her and left a message on her cell phone to get together with her. She said that when my husband would drop my son off for school, he was very flirtatious with her, and that it made her VERY uncomfortable. When she told me this, that was IT for me. I'd had enough of his sh*t! BTW, I was GLAD she told me this. This confirmed my beliefs that he was a no good pig running all over and around on me.

 

I was seriously going to leave him when school let out. I didn't want to make that kind of transition when my son was still in school. I also when and got a test for HIV. My husband lost his job in Feb, and I wondered right away if he did something with one of the women at work, got found out, and then lost his job over it. He says nothing like that ever happened. I don't believe anything he says, period.

 

10. The next offense, and last (that I've suspected, etc.). He had a contract job out of town which required him to have to stay in a hotel. Things between us had actually improved after he lost his job. He cried and said, "You can leave me if you want to, I know you aren't happy." I immediately felt bad for him, like I would be kicking a dog when they're down. What a manipulative ploy on his part! Anyway, I decided to try to possibly stick it out with him. So, he's working out of town now...coming home on the weekends. One weekend he started acting funny. He just kept trying to provoke a fight between us. No matter how I tried to make it dissipate and agree and comply with what he was saying, he was determined to fight with me. That was my cue. I decided to look in his wallet that night when he was in the shower. I found $60 in there that I had no idea where it had come from. It occurred to me that I hadn't seen one pay stub since he was working for this company, nor was the money being directly deposited like it always had been. The next morning when I took the dog outside, I looked in his car. I found all the pay stubs. That week's pay stub had overtime on it that he hid from me. He figured out to the penny how much to deposit based on his 40 hour work week, and he kept the hour overtime. He caught me looking in his car, and he knew that I knew. He said pathetically, "I was going to take you out to dinner" So? That doesn't constitute hiding money from me. So, then he says that he wanted extra money...so? Although I ran the finances, I never stopped him, denied him, nor told him he couldn't have any cash on him! I KNEW he was up to no good. He and I hadn't had sex the weekend before, and that his doing. He's famous for this...touching my breasts, etc, but then not wanting to do anything. There wasn't any sex this weekend either. Only fighting, induced by him.

 

OK, now for the last part of this...so, one day that week, after the weekend of finding this money he had hidden from me I call him on his cell phone. A strange thing happened. He didn't pick up, the phone just "turned on". I just heard what was going on. I heard a woman's voice, and she said, 'Is that the car?" There was a pause, as if the person was looking to see if it was the car, then I heard HIM say, "Yyyyeeeaaahhhh", like he was straining to see it. I hung up! It freaked me OUT. I wish I hadn't hung up, stupid move on my part. I called back right away...got the same background noise, etc. He sounded nervous when I called. I told him what had just happened, and he said, "WOMAN? there is NO woman with me!" I asked him who he was with, and he said the name of a man he works with. I didn't hear anyone snicker or laugh, like a man probably would. At this time, this cell phone was owned and being paid for by his company.

 

After this, I fell apart. He insists that he was with no one other than who he said he was with, yet just after a week he couldn't "remember" which guy he said he was with or where they had gone to eat. I can remember who I went with years ago and where.

 

After moving (again) with him after he got a better job, I found multitudes of pornography. Virtual sex videos, you name it. He had hidden that from me very cleverly. I feel like I don't know who I'm married to.

 

There is NO doubt in my mind that he's cheated and will cheat again. He insists he's been faithful and makes very light of the fact of the e-mail to his ex girlfriend and the phone call to my girlfriend. I find it very interesting that he shows no remorse. He does NOT want a divorce. I do. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me, he's got the problem. He wants me to sweep it all under the rug and forget about it. I can't just up and leave, I realize that. I have to be prepared to take care of myself and my son first. My husband keeps telling me that I am making a big mistake. I feel that my only mistake have been to stay with him put up with it for as long as I have. Each thing I've found out about only made him get better at what he does.

 

I appreciate anyone who is still here reading this thing LOL. I look forward to your input. THANK YOU!!!!!

[Errol]

I didn't read the numbered sections of your post. You have suspicions and it doesn't matter what they are - if you are suspicious about something you don't need validation on that front. Find out for sure - hire a detective if you must, and hire an attorney too and just move out. You can call an apartment finder right now and line up some places to look at for you, or you can just tell him to get out now. Talk to an attorney to find out where you stand legally.

 

Get into some counseling too - if you are wrong then you need some help to deal with your own issues. If you are right then you need some help to deal with the break up.

 

But if you want out then get out.

[Fedup&givingup]

We have tried the counselling thing. I don't think the woman we saw was worth her salt...my main reason for the counselling was based on his ways, etc. This counsellor kept saying that she didn't think there was any cheating going on.

 

It would be very hard to just hire a detective, because he's done things so erratically. I could end up spending a load of money and have it be wasted. One thing I have looked into was getting a list of his cell phone activity during the time of that strange phone call.

[brashgal]

I could have written parts of your story - lots of parallels between your husband and my ex. And as a result of your mistrust due to his weird behavior, you have a lot of passive-aggressive behavior going on yourself. I know what it's like, you feel like you're going crazy but down deep you know it's because of him. You would probably benefit by going to a counsellor on your own to sort all this stuff out. Figure out what you want out of your marriage. I guarantee you you don't want to spend all your energy suspecting and checking up on and accusing him of things. It's exhausting and won't build your marriage up. The more you dog him, the more careful he'll become and the more frustrated you'll be.

 

Writing it all down is a good first step. Next, pros and cons - are you better off with him, or without him? Once you know, work to extricate yourself or work to strengthen your marriage. Good luck - it's a bitch.

[Fedup&givingup]

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH! I appreciate you investing time in reading my story.

 

You hit the nail on the head with everything you said. It's true, the more I figure out about him and what he does, the more I feel like I'm helping him in covering his tracks the next time. I DO feel exhausted when I get hung up with him, and that's enough for me to throw in the towel. I'm 32 years old, and this is my second marriage. My point is that I've been in lots of relationships, and I never had to deal with this bull. I don't deserve it, and I know that.

 

I'm curious...you said your "ex". What happened with your situation? Did you ever catch your ex, and please tell me...do you think there IS fire with all this smoke he's blown?

[befuddled11]

I'm sooooo sorry that you've had to endure all of this, and continue to. You are definitely a very sharp cookie.....but of course, he already knows this, which obviously causes him to be even more careful.

 

The fact that he told you on a few occasions that if he ever cheated, you "wouldn't know about it"..OMG! What the hell kind of thing is that to say? You'd more likely expect the guy (even if he's lying) to say, "I would never dream of cheating on you", right?

 

The "sheets" thing is a dead giveaway that he was up to no good. The fact that the tried to pass that off as just trying to be helpful, what a crock. You had him all figured out.

 

Hell, every single suspicion or occurence you've written here, they are living proof that he's a dog. Please please please, don't ever have sex with him again, God only knows where his d*ck has been.

 

I realize you don't want to leave him until you're financially set up to do so, so that you can make a life for you and your son.......but sit down and try to figure out just how much you actually need to have saved up. Do you work? How old is your son?

 

If I were you, I'd SERIOUSLY be talking to an attorney, one who practices divorce/family law.....to find out your rights, how to proceed, how to best get yourself set up here, etc. BECOME INFORMED! Of course be sure he doesn't know you're doing this. If you do leave, you likely would be entitled to spousal maintenance/alimony, and of course, child support. Find out this kind of info from an attorney.

 

I think you know all you need to know here. There's likely no point continuing to dig because you already have all the signs/info you need with which to make the decision and plan to get outta dodge. To dig more, you're only going to be eaten up inside, more. Though you should find out from an attorney, what things might need to be done, in order to get a divorce based on adultery.

 

I wish you the best. Feel free to spill your guts here any time

[Fedup&givingup]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! I don't feel like it's all in my head. I needed some affirmation that the things that I've found out about show all out that he's guilty.

 

No, I do not have a job. I actually just got my transcripts sent to me and was planning on finishing my degree. Sounds nuts, but I figure since he's used me to cook and clean for him while he's enjoyed himself at my expense, I might as well get something out of this...become a CPA. I found out I'm half way finished. My son is 9, and he's not his. My son is a MAJOR factor, in fact pretty much the only one, why I'm still here. I do everything for my son, and I know this divorce is going to kill him. His own father has abandoned him since he was 5. This piece of sh*t has been his father since he was 3, basically.

 

I wish this SOB would ADMIT what he's done, that's what gets ME! Like I said, the reason he won't own up to his actions are because he knows he will lose me...he wants his cake and eat it too. He latched onto me because I was so much younger (therefore naive), and he thought I would easily be distracted because I am "Mommy." He doesn't want to admit because he would be surrendering.

 

I am grateful for your response, Befuddled. Thank you!

[dyermaker]

You're scapegoating.

 

You're focusing on the need for him to ADMIT to you that he cheated. Please, please, please realize that knowing 'for sure' will NOT change the pain, at all. All of the emotional consequences of a proven affair are there, physical evidence is 100% irrelevant. If you NEED closure, hire a private investigator, but it won't change things.

 

Your husband is cheating on you, whether he's cheating on you or not--does that make sense?

[Iamhappy]

My sympathies to you.

 

I had a similar thing happen with the phone, except in my case, his phone called me. He had this habit of sticking his cell phone in his back pocket. One night, he'd gone out with his friends (I was in the hospital tending to my father who was near-death at that time) and my phone rang. I thought he was calling to see how everything was going. I kept on yelling hello until I realized that he was on what sounded like a date and he didn't realize that his phone called mine.

 

When I confronted him, he denied it vehemently. Stupid stupid me believed him and all his lies. You know how it goes, "There's no one else, but you, yadda yadda yadda." He made me feel like it was all in my head, that I was all mixed up because I was so worried about my dad. I was suspicious, but I figured he was right and that it really was all in my head.

 

Wouldn't you know it, but a few months later, guess what I found hiding in his bedroom? Another woman. You think I got apologies? Nope. Just him yelling at me. He was angry with me because as he put it, "She's probably never going to want to see me again because of you."

 

Moral of the story: If it looks, acts and smells like a rat, it probably is a rat.

 

Go with your gut feeling. It's trying to tell you something. I wish I'd gone with mine and saved myself all the heartache.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Iamnotnothing

Moral of the story: If it looks, acts and smells like a rat, it probably is a rat.

Or, as I was trying to say, if it looks, acts, and smells like a rat--who the hell cares if it's not a rat? Certainly doesn't change anything.

[Fedup&givingup]

I think I understand what you are saying, Dyermaker. In other words, why cathect my time on getting the physical evidence when all the other signs are there.

 

I suppose the reason why I am hung up on why he won't admit is because he's making an a** out of himself by not...and taking me for a ride.

 

Oh, by the way...he has always been Mr. Soloflex. He worked out 3 times a week, and he's always been VERY concerned about his appearance. I pointed that out to him, and now he has stopped working out, ever since the move in August. Funny thing is, he told me he had a dream the other night that someone told him he was losing his look LOL. That's his conscience telling him he needs to go bait and hook someone to affirm his ego. It will NEVER end until the day I leave. At least it will end for me. When I think of not being in this situation anymore, I feel a great sense of relief. I have been through a lot of things in life, but these last 6 and a half years with him qualify for hell on earth.

 

Sad but true, I will NEVER marry again...NEVER. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.

[jenny]

this is one of the first times i have seen evidence so specific, well-ordered, and convincing about adultery suspicions. (and i am fussy about evidence) even if he has not actually inserted himself into anyone, he has been dishonest continuously, and that's reason enough to throw over his ass.

 

this marriage is emotionally, spiritually, and mentally over. i'm glad you are leaving him legally.

 

what strikes me throughout your post is how insecure he must be. do you read margaret atwood at all? her books are filled with these kind of "sad little men" - whose decline into middle age, to them, means their decline into complete desperate insignifigance.

 

he is going to be a mess without you.

 

good luck to you - get a good lawyer and make your years of pain worth your while.

[Fedup&givingup]

OMG!!!! It's weird how those cell phones can do that. I know when I called him right back, it knocked the socks off of him. The way I see it, he was busted. What I didn't inform in the novel I wrote was that the whole phone thing hit me like a TON of bricks about two weeks later as I was driving up to Atlanta so we could find a house to live in after we moved here.

 

I was SICK the entire weekend-I shook constantly, and I didn't eat or sleep for 48 hours. When he was asleep in our hotel room, I went out to his car and searched high and low for anything I could find. I shook like a leaf. I knew anything I found would make me weaker, but I still needed to do it. I found a pricing list for Mailboxes Etc. for when he was in Jacksonville. He said he thought he might need a mailbox, and I asked what in the hell for. He had a home address, and he was staying at a hotel where they received mail for guests. That was a red flag, also. He's got a bunch of keys that I have no clue what they are for.

 

I want OUT of this, and just two days ago I asked him for a divorce. He cried and cried, and insisted I was making a mistake. I know the best thing for me to do would be to wait until I get my degree, but oooo, it's so hard! I try to keep in good spirits, and I enjoy listening to other people's problems. Here I sit broken hearted...LOL I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I believe things happen for a reason, but hell if I've figured this one out!

[Fedup&givingup]

Thanks a bunch, Jenny! I haven't read any of the books by the author you mentioned, but I will be looking for them compulsively tomorrow.

 

I do think my husbsand is pathetic, and that he wants me only for his selfish reasons. He lacks so much respect for me that he doesn't want to let me go. That is the furthest thing from love. I know enough that if you truly care and love someone that if they need to leave, then you let them go.

 

I appreciate everyone's input so far...really, I do. When I first started reading the posts here, I knew it would be a comfortable place to turn my problem to.

[Iamhappy]

I believe things happen for a reason, but hell if I've figured this one out!

 

But you have figured it out. Now you know for sure that neither you nor your son deserve this kind of treatment. Think of it as a great awakening because that's exactly what it is.

 

Your husband won't change and for some reason, I suspect remorse is about as foreign a concept to him as guilt is.

 

As the others have advised, get yourself a good lawyer.

 

Keep us posted, whether you're experiencing ups or downs.

 

I'll keep you in my prayers.

[NotaBadGuy]

Fedup,

 

I am adimantly sorry to hear bout your situtation. What you have had to deal with is totally unexecusable and totally unacceptable. To me, I agreee with the majority of the post that say that the guy is a loser. He doesn't deserve you or you're son. It is good to hear you mention your son in your post. Being 9 yrs old, he will potentially face the side effects of you leaving this man. However, you could not, in my opinion, do a more justifiable and more noble thing given your situation. You and your son deserve better. No man or woman deserve the gut wrenching feeling of knowing or even thinking the person you are married to is playing the field. As for the numerous times your husbadn has been actively playing the field so to speak, you deserve better. He sounds like a punk to me. Even if he works out 4x per day, that all fades. Women in todays society often use that same type of reasoning to justify thier irrational and unrecprocated behavior (as do many men). Many more men are the dogs in this game of monopoly. You will end up on top in the end. You have seen the trees through the forest. You just now have to believe in yourself and what you need to do. I totally feel for you and your situtation and wish you nothing but the best of luck. Stay strong and keep your head up. You deserve way much better than a man who is nothing but a manipulator and a liar. Just my opinion though. Be safe and be smart. Beat him with you're mind if you have to.

 

NotaBadGuy

 

PS --> Get you're degree. There is noone who can take it away from you once you get it. Get it and never look back. There are too many decent men out there who will want to satisfy you in any and every way you could ever imagine without all the drama. Please believe that. I tell myself the same thing every day (except in the women arena).

[Fedup&givingup]

Thank you, Iamnotnothing. That was inspiring. This might be a dumb question, but I am wondering what a lawyer could actually do in terms of the infidelity. They usually want hardcore evidence (i.e., pictures). I know I have already contacted a couple of companies that can get the call activity for his cell phone. In addition to that, I can get a copy of the phone bill at the number where I called him that day.

 

My self confidence has been shot WAY down, but I will rise up.

[NotaBadGuy]

Fedup.

 

In most states, judges don't want to hear about infidelity type issues. Judges believe infidelity problems in a marriage to be a SYMPTOM of other marrital problems. Many may ask how and where I get this information from. Well, we'l just say that is is an EDUCATED guess or assumption on my part without explaining further. You do need to heed the advice of finding an attorney and speaking with him or her. They will offer you the guidance, advice, and options available in your situtation. Each set of facts in cases like these are fact sensitive and need to be evaluated on a case by case basis. You do deserve better, believe me there. Stay strong. You will overcome this.

[Fedup&givingup]

Thanks alot. That's encouraging. My reasoning for his working out like he did was to for his appearance for attracting women. He was Mr. Football USA, the star quarterback of the team....it's all I've heard over the years <yawn>, is how great and wonderful he is. All the girls just wanted him and went nuts over him. They can have his sorry a**. He's no prize, that's for sure.

 

Here and there I will keep posting on what I may have discovered, etc. The thing is, is every time I bring this stuff up to him, he keeps counter arguing with, "If I were doing that, then wouldn't I..." and he just digs a hole LOL.

 

The sad thing is, is all the people that have posted about can they get over the affair their spouse had, etc., I am thinking, "You CAN get over something (once) if they admit it and are truly sorry" I won't ever get that from this man. Someone else posted here, I think it was Jenny, that said that my husband shows no remorse or guilt...BINGO!

[jenny]

if it's possible where you are, get him to take a lie detector test. evidently, they can be taken for around 100-200$? (i don't know why i think that, maybe from daily talk shows) since he insists he is telling you the truth, he will not be able to refuse this kind of test logically.

 

i'm against these kinds of things in principle, but there are programs that can closely monitor his internet usage - including keystrokes and all sites visitied, emails sent, etc.

 

this is for evidence of further affairs. for past ones, your strongest points, in my opinion, are 6, 8, 9, and the second half of 10. all of these involve other, known, people. are there any of them that you can investigate further?

 

finally, i think you can probably get a pretty good settlement without direct evidence. hopefully there are also some lawyers on forum that can give some vague indication.

[dyermaker]

Private Investigator

[Fedup&givingup]

Ok, the things that are reeling in my mind are the sheets incident, the night he went back to the office (THAT really hit, the gut feeling of it all, his icy reaction, etc.), finding the e-mail, and the money followed by the phone call. Now, I found the money he had hidden from me on a Saturday. The phone call was the following Tuesday. He planned to have that money, and as fate would have it, that phone call happened that way.

 

The other very significant thing with all of these events was his behaviour during all of these times...almost identical. I can about pin point when he was possibly "seeing" someone because of his moods, etc. He would be VERY critical of me and distant.

 

Anyway, this is something else to add. We watch the Sopranos, and EVERY single damned time Tony is bopping one of his psychotic nut job girls on the side, my husband sits there with this STUPID look on his face, like he's enjoying it. We've talked about the show together, and it's as if we are talking about our own selves. I hope Carmella leaves Tony for good (LOL), and he insists she will go back to him...that's his alter ego wishing she does, that she just loves him unconditionally while he still sh*ts all over her.

 

When there have been talk shows on with the lie detector issue, my husband DEFENDS the cheater saying how the lie detectors aren't reliable. LOL How redhanded is that?!? I have thought about the lie detector, and I've thought about other things too...to me, it's a wasted effort because no MATTER what, he's guilty in my book.

 

We have got 5 computers in this house with all kinds of back up tapes from the hard drive (forgive me, for I know little about computers, whereas he knows all kinds of info, which puts him at a HUGE advantage). That would be money WELL spent, to find a place that could search these hard drives, especially his lapdance, I mean laptop. He's got things saved on literally thousands of disks/CD's, and I've searched from time to time, but I don't even know how to begin knowing how or what to look for. I was just thinking yesterday that THAT is where there is a wealth of knowledge/info. IF ANYONE KNOWS ANY WAY I CAN FIND OUT INFO. ON THE PUTERS, MY GRATITUDE WOULD BE FOREVER YOURS!!!!

[Fedup&givingup]

Like I've said, the problem with hiring a private detective is I think he's done this spuratically...they've all been flings, not really anything long term where I could catch him. I don't really see it coming, I just know when it's happened...if that makes any sense. I could have a PD follow him for three months solid and wind up with nothing, and the next week I stop using one, my husband does it. His timing is unpredictable.

[dyermaker]

I hope that someone as intelligent as yourself can see past the porn issue in this case, it's honestly the least of your problems.

 

Additionally, a total sidenote, but I believe that Tony loves Carmella, their relationship is truly on a different dynamic than most are used to. Tony has mental problems, problems with himself, problems with intimacy, etc., Did you see the one where Carmella's being all aloof because he knows about the gals, but then Tony bought her a fur coat? I can't describe it, but it's a bit of insight into the soprano dynamic.

[Fedup&givingup]

ROTFL!!!! I DO agree with you about the Sopranos and their dynamics, but I believe my husband has mental problems...he just doesn't know it and hasn't had anything physical happen to him to provoke him to seek help.

 

You are right about the porn...that's the lowest thing on the agenda, but the relevance of it is actually the fact that he hid it from me. That he agreed to not partake in it or have it, whatever, but I found literally about 400 computer cd's chalk full of videos and probably about 500 dowloaded pictures on his laptop.

 

Speaking of his laptop, that weekend we were in Atlanta house searching, I told him I wanted to check a few things on it (internet) when I got there...he had always been VERY possessive of that. I know he fooled with it for a while before he handed it over to me. I am DYING to know if there's anyway I can access info. on that hard drive. Can it be permanently erased...I know that if there is software out there to decode anything erased, etc. I want it.