What now

[confusedbyitall]

My story is really long, so I will try to sum it up without leaving anything important out.

 

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we've lived together for most of that time. I have a child from a previous marriage that considers him as a stepfather. We do not have any children together as of yet, for various reason (some of which will become very clear in a moment).

 

About 2 1/2 years ago we went through a very rough patch. He was talking a lot to an ex girlfriend who lives across the country on Facebook and on the telephone. This went on for a good 6 months. He was secretive about the extent of their conversations, and became more secretive as time went on. I would find out, and confront him, and he would always minimise the situation, saying that he wouldn't stop talking to her because it was innocent (which, I believe for a long time it was -- in the sense that it wasn't sexual or romantic). However, he was talking to her about all of our problems, and from the beginning I believed she was trying to 'weasel her way in'. He didn't see this at all. Towards the end of it all, he was talking to her for 6 hours at a time in the middle of the night, and it had become a little closer to being 'romantic'. I called him on it, told him that I wouldn't put up with it any longer, and that I would leave if he spoke to her again. My memory is a little rusty now...but I believe at that time he stopped. I'm not really sure why he chose to stop then instead of before that.

 

During this time, I cheated on him. I hadn't intended to, I was back home (across the country) and met someone on a girls night out, and things went too far. It only happened once, and I felt very mixed up. On the one hand I felt incredibly bad for what I'd done, on the other hand I felt like my partner didn't respect my feelings, so why should I respect his. I guess I felt somewhat like I was getting back at him. During our relationship, my partner had constantly accused me of cheating when I hadn't been doing anything remotely close, so I also felt like "well...if you're going to blame me for it..I may as well do it". I remember now feeling so wanted, and that was obviously something lacking in our relationship. I didn't tell my partner about it, but I thought it wouldn't happen again.

 

Things got worse (again, this is all before he stopped talking to the ex girlfriend), and the slippery slope of deceit had begun for me. I cheated again, joining online sites and seeking it out now. I met a few people, and slept with one of them a few times. It became a big game. I felt like my partner had given up so why shouldn't I? I wanted to leave, but I was scared of my future without him. I still loved him. All sorts of stupid, messed up things went through my head during this time. I was basically living as though I was single. Looking back now, I can see how stupid my behaviour was. During this time, an old flame of mine came back on the scene, and I made a lot of other mistakes there -- we emailed back and forth, saying we were soul mates and so on. This went on for a long time, and I told my partner about some of it, but left out the details -- which he later found. All the while, I was still cheating and he was still talking to this ex-girlfriend.

 

After he stopped talking to the ex, I didn't stop cheating. He went away with work for 6 months, and things seemed to have gotten better between us before he went. But I was still living in this delusional world...still sleeping with other people. As I say this, it makes it sound as though it was often and lots -- it wasn't. Maybe once every two months, with the 1 person I mentioned previously. It wasn't a relationship, we both knew it was only sex. The last time I saw him I didn't even want to really, but it had become a habit. While my partner was away I began to doubt everything. I questioned why I was with him and towards the end, decided I would leave. I told him this on the phone a week before he was coming home and I told him about the affairs. At the time I don't know why I did it. I think it was to cement the break up -- if I told him it would make it easier, I wouldn't have to contend with him begging me back. But I still don't know what my motives were.

 

During the time that I had decided I would leave, I had been talking a lot to an old friend, and we began sleeping together, he told me he loved me. I didn't love him, but the attention was very welcome in a time where I was falling apart. He came and helped me pack my things. This all ended up in the biggest cliche imaginable...and my partner arrived home earlier than expected...me in bed with this friend of mine...I'm sure you can imagine the scene that ensued.

 

Seeing my partner again had brought up feelings though. I panicked...why had I been so unsure? Suddenly all I wanted was him. But I'd made my bed, and I knew it. One night, maybe a week later, I'd come back home to discuss our personal belongings etc, which after years were quite tied up together, and things happened between us. We talked and we cried and we decided to give it another shot. And there ensued the hardest, longest, most painful year of my life. My partner was furious and hurt (why wouldn't he be?), and made me suffer for it. We tried to go to counselling, but he was too angry. He would just use the entire hour to berate me and get the counsellors on his side. I was willing to accept responsibility and work on moving forward, I expected him to be angry, but he took it to extremes. He was abusive, and called me names on a constant basis. He threatened to leave constantly -- threatened everything he possibly could. He told me he cheated on me, time and time again, and then told me it was a lie. I can't even describe the hell of that year, but it was relentless. Sometimes I felt like I 100% deserved it, and other times, on the brink of leaving, I thought he had been looking for an excuse to treat me so badly and here it was, laid out for him. Looking back, I don't know how I put up with it as long as I did. I was put on medication for anxiety and tried to kill myself....we even got into a fight so awful that I kicked a hole in the wall and then he had me put in jail for the night, and didn't he love that. Keep in mind, this whole time I'm apologising for what I'd done, I'm being open with him, and doing just about anything he demands to make it up to him.

 

He refused to go to counselling after awhile, but I kept going. I found a different counsellor and went on my own, every 2nd week throughout that year. I dealt with why I had cheated on him (insecurities, my own attachment issues from childhood, etc. etc. etc), and I learned to put boundaries on the relationship -- he deserved to be angry yes, but that didn't mean I had to put up with his abuse. It came to a head one day, where he was carrying on as he always did, calling me names, yelling at my face...and I stormed off and got in the car, as I always did. But then I came back. And I stood in the kitchen looking around at everything I'd lose...looking at him, and our home, and realised I couldn't keep doing this forever. I said to him "I can't keep doing this" and that was that, I didn't. I put my foot down from that day and wouldn't listen to his abuse anymore. I didn't take it in. Things seemed to get better between us...There was still hurt and trust issues, and anger, but it wasn't me against him anymore. We seemed to be working as a team, maybe for the first time ever. This was maybe October. Things really improved, and by Christmas we were talking about having children together. It felt like we were stronger than we'd ever been.

 

Reading what I've just wrote, I think I look back now and accept his anger more than I did at the time. It was how he dealt with the pain I'd caused, and by staying I was somehow accepting the punishment I deserved.

 

During this time, he went away for work a few times for months at a time (this is a normal occurrence in his job). He would be distant when he was gone, not calling as often as normal. I thought it was just his way of dealing with things.

 

But a few months ago, I was trying to fix his iPad for him and opened the case...much to my surprise, out dropped a letter and a photo of a girl. I snuck away to another room and read it. It was from around Christmas time, last year. She said how much she cherished the time they'd spent together and thanked him for loving her, and how much she loved him and blah blah blah. She said she understood that he couldn't be with her and wished him the best. She mentioned a present she'd sent him with the letter. She said her mother said hello. I can't even remember what else she said, because it's all a bit of a blur.

 

I was gobsmacked. The entire time we had been dealing with MY infidelity, I was a monster...I had no morals, I was an awful person (in much more colourful language!) for cheating on him, he would NEVER do something like that. I must have issues from childhood, I must not love him, I did it all to hurt him, I was a liar, I had no guilt otherwise I couldn't have lied, I was...in essence, a bad person and he was a good person. I can't even count how often he said something like that. Every day for a year?

 

And here I was...staring at the awful truth. While he was saying all this, while I was playing martyr to the cause of righting my wrongs and fixing the relationship, he was carrying on his own affair. I sat for a long time trying to figure out what to do. He was in the other room. I confronted him. I said we needed to talk and asked him if he had been truthful with me. I didn't show him the letter yet. He ummed and ahhed, but once he could tell by the look on my face that I knew something he started talking. He told me it was some girl he'd met here while she was on holiday, that she was going to move here to be with him. Lies. He told me this long elaborate story...lies lies lies.

 

She had been a childhood friend, her name was on the back of one of the photos. When I showed him, the story changed. He had been seeing her when he was away with work -- it was why he was so distant. He had planned to leave me, but when he came home he changed his mind...for whatever reason. He said he hadn't told her that he loved her, I still don't believe that. We talked for about an hour, and I asked a lot of questions. I was more numb than angry. And then I avoided him, for days I avoided him. He kept telling me "it was in the past, it's over now, you need to move on". And somehow, I didn't have the energy anymore to be angry. He apologised, but always with the caveat "if you hand't cheated on me".. I asked him if his family knew. He said they hadn't.

 

Only a week or so after this, we went on a holiday that had been planned for months. His mother came too...she and I already have a strained relationship from previous issues. This was sort of a way of making amends with her I suppose.

 

During this time...the weeks following my finding this letter, I brought it up a few times and he seemed frustrated. He wanted me to let it go, it was so long ago...we need to move on. He would just not talk about it, pretty much. I've got a million other things going on in my life, and it took the back burner. But I was angry -- why did he get a year of making my life hell and I have to get over it after an hour? How does this make sense?! On the other hand...I know that making his life hell would only make me feel worse, would make everything worse...so I don't do it. Somehow it's faded into something I don't think about, something I haven't dealt with, something that creeps into my mind for fleeting moments. It's hard to even talk about it much here, because I just don't think about it...denial? But the trust is gone, this I know.

 

Yesterday I was using his phone for something...and couldn't resist looking at his Facebook messages. And I find messages to his mother, in October...talking about this other woman. I was crushed. Here I'd made amends with this woman, and she'd known all along. I felt betrayed, I felt like a fool. And here he is...telling me that his family hadn't known? More lies....lies lies. It's the lies that hurt more than anything, isn't it?

 

I again confronted him, only this time he has less patience...he doesn't even apologise until I'm bawling my eyes out saying why do I bother with this relationship, and even then it's half hearted. He says he lied because he didn't want to make the relationship between his mother and I more strained. I tell him that's completely selfish, that I should be able to make up my own mind based on the truth -- how can I ever trust him if he's lied again? When I told him I'm not sure if I want this anymore he said "okay, I'm resigned to whatever happens in this relationship". He said he decided a long time ago that I will probably **** up again anyway, so even though he loves me and wants to be with me, he won't make an effort. He didn't even put in one ounce of fight...and then he ignored me for the rest of the night. Somehow...this is about me, too. How am I the bad guy here? I don't even feel I was being unreasonable. I was hurt, and lied to, and felt betrayed, but he could't even own up to it -- it was somehow again about what I had done. Oh, and he even said..."well, if you hadn't cheated on me".

 

I spent the night crying and in an upset...cleaning (ha!) and lying in bed feeling miserable. And what does he do? Goes about his business...has dinner, watches television, and goes to bed. I slept on the couch. He left for work this morning without a goodbye. He's making me feel like I've done something wrong here and I just don't understand it. I've done nothing over the last year and a half but apologise and try to make things right, but everything is still my fault. I may as well just tell him the only reason I cheated was because he was talking to his ex girlfriend, which...ffs, could almost be true. But no...I take the high road, and keep getting dragged down for it.

 

I'm just so confused...sorry that this was so long.

[confusedbyitall]

Sorry, what in my post was funny?

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, I missed the funny part, too.

 

I'm not sure what to say. My situation got about as messed up as yours. My wife had a year-long affair with her boss. I discovered it. I was destroyed but tried my damnest to stay and to forgive. After several months, I was getting more angry rather than less. Turns out this is somewhat common. A betrayed spouse is initially too scared of the wayward spouse leaving to really confront them; instead they try to salvage the marriage. But once the betrayed feels "safe," then the anger sets in. It's not intentional but it is normal.

 

The hurt and anger for me was overwhelming. I lost 38 lbs, almost never slept, my mind raced about it continually (and still does now, 16 months after Dday), I saw two individual counselors as well as our marriage counselor (all tree told me I had PTSD), I went on anti-depressants. It was god-awful. I had been a normal guy, a happy husband and father, but had been broken by what my wife had done. My wife was very reluctant to talk, became "afraid" of my anger (which she had caused), and while she was willing to discuss the surface stuff, I could always tell she wasn't willing to share everything I needed to know and that some things were clearly lies. While I believe her affair ended, it was the lies that really kill the relationship (as I believe you mentioned as well).

 

Things were getting worse and I got a brilliant idea to have my own brief affair to balance things. I didn't want revenge but I didn't want things to be so unbalanced. I was innocent and she was guilty. She had like 50 hotel stays with someone else and I had none; I was admittedly jealous. In the end, I didn't want to leave her but I just didn't want to be so damned angry anymore. Once I had kissed this other girl, I really couldn't handle the guilt and I loved my wife so (after about 5 attempts), I broke things off with my OW permanently. I eventually told my wife because, while I was still angry with her, I couldn't be angry with her when I had been sneaking around on my own. I knew I couldn't lie forever. I explained what I had done and why and she ultimately told me to go off and do it. To be brief, that's what I did. I spent two days with the OW and then returned home. By the way, the OW was fully aware of the truth the entire time I was involved with her. The situation wasn't right (for any of us) but it was very upfront and she understood (long story that's not really relevant here).

 

Anyway, my own "balance affair" didn't solve much. Regardless of having permission, my wife was hurt. And I still had major trust issues. We still hadn't resolved the issues from her affair (which I now understand really does take YEARS to truly reconcile). I became hypervigilant of her again, became angry because of the unavoidable triggers. I still couldn't trust her, felt that she was still lying, and kept getting angry about what her affair had done to us and to me.

 

I don't have solutions for you except to say that the blame game doesn't work and there is no getting even. They don't cancel each other out. Now both people have to withstand the justifiable hurt and anger of their partner and do what they can to rebuild trust and do it for a partner that they don't feel they can trust. It is, if possible, even more god-awful. It is exponentially more difficult to reconcile after what is commonly known as a "revenge affair." Is it your fault that he had one? I honestly don't know. Much like your partner might say, mine never would have happened if it weren't for my wife. But I do know that the blame discussion solves nothing. If we want to reconcile, both people must rebuild trust and sweeping either affair under the rug does NOT work.

 

If your partner is unwilling to do the work to help heal you from his affair, you cannot reconcile from one side. You are both waywards and both betrayed and it is as simple as that. You need to be remorseful and forgiving on both sides. This is a very tall order and one that your partner does not yet understand.

 

There is another website, survivinginfidelity.com, that has an "I Can Relate" forum. Look for the "Madhatters" forum (a place for people that are both betrayed and wayward). If you both join and post there, you may have a chance that both of you can do what is necessary.

 

I wish you luck.

[Later82012]

My story is really long, so I will try to sum it up without leaving anything important out.

 

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we've lived together for most of that time. I have a child from a previous marriage that considers him as a stepfather. We do not have any children together as of yet, for various reason (some of which will become very clear in a moment).

 

About 2 1/2 years ago we went through a very rough patch. He was talking a lot to an ex girlfriend who lives across the country on Facebook and on the telephone. This went on for a good 6 months. He was secretive about the extent of their conversations, and became more secretive as time went on. I would find out, and confront him, and he would always minimise the situation, saying that he wouldn't stop talking to her because it was innocent (which, I believe for a long time it was -- in the sense that it wasn't sexual or romantic). However, he was talking to her about all of our problems, and from the beginning I believed she was trying to 'weasel her way in'. He didn't see this at all. Towards the end of it all, he was talking to her for 6 hours at a time in the middle of the night, and it had become a little closer to being 'romantic'. I called him on it, told him that I wouldn't put up with it any longer, and that I would leave if he spoke to her again. My memory is a little rusty now...but I believe at that time he stopped. I'm not really sure why he chose to stop then instead of before that.

 

During this time, I cheated on him. I hadn't intended to, I was back home (across the country) and met someone on a girls night out, and things went too far. It only happened once, and I felt very mixed up. On the one hand I felt incredibly bad for what I'd done, on the other hand I felt like my partner didn't respect my feelings, so why should I respect his. I guess I felt somewhat like I was getting back at him. During our relationship, my partner had constantly accused me of cheating when I hadn't been doing anything remotely close, so I also felt like "well...if you're going to blame me for it..I may as well do it". I remember now feeling so wanted, and that was obviously something lacking in our relationship. I didn't tell my partner about it, but I thought it wouldn't happen again.

 

Things got worse (again, this is all before he stopped talking to the ex girlfriend), and the slippery slope of deceit had begun for me. I cheated again, joining online sites and seeking it out now. I met a few people, and slept with one of them a few times. It became a big game. I felt like my partner had given up so why shouldn't I? I wanted to leave, but I was scared of my future without him. I still loved him. All sorts of stupid, messed up things went through my head during this time. I was basically living as though I was single. Looking back now, I can see how stupid my behaviour was. During this time, an old flame of mine came back on the scene, and I made a lot of other mistakes there -- we emailed back and forth, saying we were soul mates and so on. This went on for a long time, and I told my partner about some of it, but left out the details -- which he later found. All the while, I was still cheating and he was still talking to this ex-girlfriend.

 

After he stopped talking to the ex, I didn't stop cheating. He went away with work for 6 months, and things seemed to have gotten better between us before he went. But I was still living in this delusional world...still sleeping with other people. As I say this, it makes it sound as though it was often and lots -- it wasn't. Maybe once every two months, with the 1 person I mentioned previously. It wasn't a relationship, we both knew it was only sex. The last time I saw him I didn't even want to really, but it had become a habit. While my partner was away I began to doubt everything. I questioned why I was with him and towards the end, decided I would leave. I told him this on the phone a week before he was coming home and I told him about the affairs. At the time I don't know why I did it. I think it was to cement the break up -- if I told him it would make it easier, I wouldn't have to contend with him begging me back. But I still don't know what my motives were.

 

During the time that I had decided I would leave, I had been talking a lot to an old friend, and we began sleeping together, he told me he loved me. I didn't love him, but the attention was very welcome in a time where I was falling apart. He came and helped me pack my things. This all ended up in the biggest cliche imaginable...and my partner arrived home earlier than expected...me in bed with this friend of mine...I'm sure you can imagine the scene that ensued.

 

Seeing my partner again had brought up feelings though. I panicked...why had I been so unsure? Suddenly all I wanted was him. But I'd made my bed, and I knew it. One night, maybe a week later, I'd come back home to discuss our personal belongings etc, which after years were quite tied up together, and things happened between us. We talked and we cried and we decided to give it another shot. And there ensued the hardest, longest, most painful year of my life. My partner was furious and hurt (why wouldn't he be?), and made me suffer for it. We tried to go to counselling, but he was too angry. He would just use the entire hour to berate me and get the counsellors on his side. I was willing to accept responsibility and work on moving forward, I expected him to be angry, but he took it to extremes. He was abusive, and called me names on a constant basis. He threatened to leave constantly -- threatened everything he possibly could. He told me he cheated on me, time and time again, and then told me it was a lie. I can't even describe the hell of that year, but it was relentless. Sometimes I felt like I 100% deserved it, and other times, on the brink of leaving, I thought he had been looking for an excuse to treat me so badly and here it was, laid out for him. Looking back, I don't know how I put up with it as long as I did. I was put on medication for anxiety and tried to kill myself....we even got into a fight so awful that I kicked a hole in the wall and then he had me put in jail for the night, and didn't he love that. Keep in mind, this whole time I'm apologising for what I'd done, I'm being open with him, and doing just about anything he demands to make it up to him.

 

He refused to go to counselling after awhile, but I kept going. I found a different counsellor and went on my own, every 2nd week throughout that year. I dealt with why I had cheated on him (insecurities, my own attachment issues from childhood, etc. etc. etc), and I learned to put boundaries on the relationship -- he deserved to be angry yes, but that didn't mean I had to put up with his abuse. It came to a head one day, where he was carrying on as he always did, calling me names, yelling at my face...and I stormed off and got in the car, as I always did. But then I came back. And I stood in the kitchen looking around at everything I'd lose...looking at him, and our home, and realised I couldn't keep doing this forever. I said to him "I can't keep doing this" and that was that, I didn't. I put my foot down from that day and wouldn't listen to his abuse anymore. I didn't take it in. Things seemed to get better between us...There was still hurt and trust issues, and anger, but it wasn't me against him anymore. We seemed to be working as a team, maybe for the first time ever. This was maybe October. Things really improved, and by Christmas we were talking about having children together. It felt like we were stronger than we'd ever been.

 

Reading what I've just wrote, I think I look back now and accept his anger more than I did at the time. It was how he dealt with the pain I'd caused, and by staying I was somehow accepting the punishment I deserved.

 

During this time, he went away for work a few times for months at a time (this is a normal occurrence in his job). He would be distant when he was gone, not calling as often as normal. I thought it was just his way of dealing with things.

 

But a few months ago, I was trying to fix his iPad for him and opened the case...much to my surprise, out dropped a letter and a photo of a girl. I snuck away to another room and read it. It was from around Christmas time, last year. She said how much she cherished the time they'd spent together and thanked him for loving her, and how much she loved him and blah blah blah. She said she understood that he couldn't be with her and wished him the best. She mentioned a present she'd sent him with the letter. She said her mother said hello. I can't even remember what else she said, because it's all a bit of a blur.

 

I was gobsmacked. The entire time we had been dealing with MY infidelity, I was a monster...I had no morals, I was an awful person (in much more colourful language!) for cheating on him, he would NEVER do something like that. I must have issues from childhood, I must not love him, I did it all to hurt him, I was a liar, I had no guilt otherwise I couldn't have lied, I was...in essence, a bad person and he was a good person. I can't even count how often he said something like that. Every day for a year?

 

And here I was...staring at the awful truth. While he was saying all this, while I was playing martyr to the cause of righting my wrongs and fixing the relationship, he was carrying on his own affair. I sat for a long time trying to figure out what to do. He was in the other room. I confronted him. I said we needed to talk and asked him if he had been truthful with me. I didn't show him the letter yet. He ummed and ahhed, but once he could tell by the look on my face that I knew something he started talking. He told me it was some girl he'd met here while she was on holiday, that she was going to move here to be with him. Lies. He told me this long elaborate story...lies lies lies.

 

She had been a childhood friend, her name was on the back of one of the photos. When I showed him, the story changed. He had been seeing her when he was away with work -- it was why he was so distant. He had planned to leave me, but when he came home he changed his mind...for whatever reason. He said he hadn't told her that he loved her, I still don't believe that. We talked for about an hour, and I asked a lot of questions. I was more numb than angry. And then I avoided him, for days I avoided him. He kept telling me "it was in the past, it's over now, you need to move on". And somehow, I didn't have the energy anymore to be angry. He apologised, but always with the caveat "if you hand't cheated on me".. I asked him if his family knew. He said they hadn't.

 

Only a week or so after this, we went on a holiday that had been planned for months. His mother came too...she and I already have a strained relationship from previous issues. This was sort of a way of making amends with her I suppose.

 

During this time...the weeks following my finding this letter, I brought it up a few times and he seemed frustrated. He wanted me to let it go, it was so long ago...we need to move on. He would just not talk about it, pretty much. I've got a million other things going on in my life, and it took the back burner. But I was angry -- why did he get a year of making my life hell and I have to get over it after an hour? How does this make sense?! On the other hand...I know that making his life hell would only make me feel worse, would make everything worse...so I don't do it. Somehow it's faded into something I don't think about, something I haven't dealt with, something that creeps into my mind for fleeting moments. It's hard to even talk about it much here, because I just don't think about it...denial? But the trust is gone, this I know.

 

Yesterday I was using his phone for something...and couldn't resist looking at his Facebook messages. And I find messages to his mother, in October...talking about this other woman. I was crushed. Here I'd made amends with this woman, and she'd known all along. I felt betrayed, I felt like a fool. And here he is...telling me that his family hadn't known? More lies....lies lies. It's the lies that hurt more than anything, isn't it?

 

I again confronted him, only this time he has less patience...he doesn't even apologise until I'm bawling my eyes out saying why do I bother with this relationship, and even then it's half hearted. He says he lied because he didn't want to make the relationship between his mother and I more strained. I tell him that's completely selfish, that I should be able to make up my own mind based on the truth -- how can I ever trust him if he's lied again? When I told him I'm not sure if I want this anymore he said "okay, I'm resigned to whatever happens in this relationship". He said he decided a long time ago that I will probably **** up again anyway, so even though he loves me and wants to be with me, he won't make an effort. He didn't even put in one ounce of fight...and then he ignored me for the rest of the night. Somehow...this is about me, too. How am I the bad guy here? I don't even feel I was being unreasonable. I was hurt, and lied to, and felt betrayed, but he could't even own up to it -- it was somehow again about what I had done. Oh, and he even said..."well, if you hadn't cheated on me".

 

I spent the night crying and in an upset...cleaning (ha!) and lying in bed feeling miserable. And what does he do? Goes about his business...has dinner, watches television, and goes to bed. I slept on the couch. He left for work this morning without a goodbye. He's making me feel like I've done something wrong here and I just don't understand it. I've done nothing over the last year and a half but apologise and try to make things right, but everything is still my fault. I may as well just tell him the only reason I cheated was because he was talking to his ex girlfriend, which...ffs, could almost be true. But no...I take the high road, and keep getting dragged down for it.

 

I'm just so confused...sorry that this was so long.

You were both out of control and broke each other's hearts and I think the relationship is beyond repair now. It is better if you guys went separate ways without wasting any more time on repairing the relationship. Even though you want the relationship to work, I think his heart is broken beyond repair.

[eeyore1981]

IMO, you are both only seeing from your own perspective.

 

You see he kept talking to another woman, so you cheated on him as 'payback', but even though you were cheating, you kept riding him about talking to the other woman.

 

He conveniently forgets he was talking to the other woman, but sees how when you were cheating you were giving him a hard time. Then he was cheating and giving you a hard time. To him, he's doing to you what you did to him. Again, 'payback'.

 

I don't see a good resolution if you both aren't willing to own what you both have done.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, this is just how I see it. I know you love him, but you can love someone again if you open yourself up to it. You two haven't been together all that long. Even if you stay together, this will always be in your past, and it seems it has been at least half of your relationship to date, if not more. From the outside, there doesn't seem to be much to salvage. Imagine splitting up. It will hurt, and hurt bad for a while, but then you can move on and have a healthy relationship with someone else without all this history weighing the relationship down for all eternity.

[whichwayisup]

You both are no better than the other when it comes to cheating and how this was all handled. It's sad, one chain of events set off other chains of events.

 

I think in your situation the pain is too much..The lying, more lying and pain/anger is too much work through. He doesn't seem too sorry for his part in all this and he's treating you badly. Time to just focus on you, forgiving yourself, and heal.. Do continue with counselling on your own and DUMP your partner.

 

Both of you need to let go and move on with your lives.

[GLDheart]

Yeah, pretty messy behavior. Hopefully someday you will learn how to walk away from people that bring out the worst in you.

[karnak]

There's too much **** piled over this relationship.

 

Time so start something new.

Edited August 11, 2012 by karnak

[alexandria35]

Confused I think you have done some good work on yourself and you should be proud of that.

 

You took responsibility for your actions and didn't blame your affairs on him. You felt true remorse and went to counselling to face your shortcomings and work on them. You let him rage and accepted his anger over your betrayal. You made amends to him and his family and you gave him a free pass for his anger and abuse thinking that he had the right to unload on you because of your behavior.

 

Now it's been discovered that he has behaved just as badly as you but he's not willing to do any of the hard work that you had to do. He's not taking responsibility for his actions, he's not trying to make amends or show remorse. He's abused you and mistreated you for a year for what you did and now that you have discovered his infidelity he thinks you should be over it since like yesterday. What an unbelievable abusive hyprocrite he's turned out to be. He is selfish and self serving. He wants whatever makes him feel best with no regard for the relationship.

 

I say you ditch him and keep up the good work you're doing on yourself.