Should I tell him?

[womaninlove]

Hello beautiful people . This isn't exactly infidelity but I don't know where else to put it. I apologize for what I know will be a long post. My husband and I started dating 6 years ago, 5 of which we spent living in different states due to unavoidable familial and professional constraints. I once kissed another man when I was drunk (the alcohol is no excuse), regretted it immediately, told him and we went through a few months of hell but eventually overcame it, emerged stronger, closer. Besides that I have been completely faithful, and as far as I know, so has he. We had many other issues, such as his dishonesty about money, me going into depression and his lack of support during that time, him being interested in another woman (choosing not to act on it though), him being emotionally abusive at times etc., etc. He hurt me terribly and I ended it with him because it seemed like he would never change. He was shattered and miserable, but understood why.

 

I should mention that he was the only man I had ever had sex with. Three days after the break-up, I missed him, felt a gaping hole in my life and soul, was completely broken. That night I met a friend who had been interested me for a long time, and while I was pouring my heart out to him, he began to kiss me, take my clothes off and even though I didn't want to, I had sex with him. Well, sort of. 10 minutes into it I pushed him off and sent him home with an erection. He was understandably pretty annoyed and didn't speak to me after which is actually a huge blessing. It may sound like a messed up thing to do, but in my defense he knew throughout I wasn't into it, I even told him when we were naked that I missed and loved my (now) husband so much, that nobody else would make me feel the way he did, that I wasn't attracted to him (the friend).

 

I woke up the next morning and knew that nobody except the first man I loved and slept with would ever make me happy, that any other body was alien and repulsive to me. Before that night I had always vaguely wondered if I was missing out on something by never experiencing other men (he slept with many other women before he met me) but now I know that nothing could compare to him, I will never want anyone else. I felt sick to the stomach and missed him more than ever. I have forgotten details of that night, remember no sensations, except a hollowness, physical and emotional pain (I wasn't even slightly aroused).

 

I began to talk to him again, we started working through our issues, he changed for me immensely, I took him back six months later and a few months ago, we got married. I never told him about that night even though I really wanted to because he has always said he loves that the fact that he is the only man who has ever had sex with me. He admits that it sounds misogynistic but he can't stand the idea of someone else touching me and he doesn't know if things will ever be the same again if I was to have sex with someone else. I understand his sentiment, and actually like it.

 

The guilt of this secret is eating me away. If I thought it was the right thing to do, I would tell him, even if it meant losing him. But I truly feel like he is the only man I've ever slept with. My mind and body remember no actual details of those 10 minutes - I was almost in shock and panic, and to be honest, if it wasn't for those 10 minutes, I would never have been certain that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But if I told him this, I don't know if he would believe me.

 

I don't want to live a lie -I am truly against dishonesty in a marriage- but at the same time, saying I had sex with someone else is only true as a technicality. We are so happy together, I love him so much, and things are so perfect. I don't want to ruin it especially over those lousy 10 minutes that meant nothing, felt like nothing, and I don't even remember.

 

Should I tell him about that night? Would you want to know in his place?

Edited August 7, 2012 by womaninlove

[BetrayedH]

I think your openness and honesty will strengthen the marriage and without honesty, it will fail. You may ruin the his nostalgic view of being your only sexual partner; welcome to being normal. You have no such luxury with him. Has that ruined your relationship? It's not true that he was uour only sexual partner anyway. Do you really want to listen to him revel in that the rest of your days and know it isn't true?

 

You seem to have a healthy view of your dalliance and I trust that you can deliver the message the right way. Find the right time, assure him that you love only him, and be done with it. Temporary setback with a huge bonus in the honesty/trust department over the long-term. You, of course, know this already and just need validation that it's the right thing.

 

My $.02 anyway. Good luck on a happy marriage.

[drifter777]

Your story has a lot of similarity with what my wife did. The difference is that she was happy to tell me that she found out that she really loved me and didn't want to be with other men. Once the shock finally wore off, I began to hate her for what she did and lying to my face about why she did it. The reasons she gave me were simply a coverup for being a selfish, uncaring cheater and she refused to admit that fact for many years.

 

Since you had been "broken up" for 3 days, some might tell you to forget about it because it's not really cheating. I would say that since you feel so much guilt about this, the "break-up" was simply a short interruption in your long-term relationship - something that happened from time to time and was normal for you guys.

 

If I was your husband and you were telling me this story, I would ask you exactly when did you decided that you didn't want to go through with it? Was it when he started kissing you? When he started groping you? How about when he took your panties off? How about when he penetrated you? I simply wouldn't believe your assertion that the whole thing sickened you because, clearly, you let it go about as far as it could without him finishing. And I'm not sure I would believe that either.

 

You say that "Before that night I had always vaguely wondered if I was missing out on something by never experiencing other men". Doesn't this really sum up why whatever happened actually happened? Again, if I were you husband and you told me this before you told me about the sex with the other guy and how it made you sick, etc. etc. - I think I might believe you. That might sound trivial to you, but until the betrayed spouse feels that he has gotten the truth he is unable to give reconciliation all of his effort.

 

Face the truth yourself and then decide if the man you profess your love for has a right to know about it.

[GLDheart]

Telling him won't break you up. You guys were apart. He may react badly to the loss of his fairytale notion that he is the only one that ever touched you BUT YOU GUYS WERE NOT TOGETHER. He will accept it in the end and thank you for the honesty.

 

If he doesn't do as I said above, he's an idiot.

[Kelemvor]

You all are crazy for encouraging her to tell him about this momentary bad decision during a technical "BREAK" in the relationship. There is a double thread on this topic I might add. Drifter... you are a guy like myself, and remember she's talking about doing something during a technical "break up" and throwing someone out before sex is even completed. How many people could do the same thing?! I sure couldn't. You're talking about a guy actually wanting to know about her thought process to better understand at what point she knew without a doubt that she wanted to be with him alone, etc.. blah, blah. I'm taking liberties with your post, but seriously... That's nothing more than mental masturbation for a man to get rid of the utterly shocking and debilitating image of another penis inside of his beloved new wife. Period. That is a ridiculously tough image for a man to get out of his head, and can jeopardize everything about the relationship, especially if it's new. It's ok for us to do because "it didn't mean anything" but we simply can't handle it very well when it happens to us. That's the truth about it.

 

She has no reason to feel badly and the experience that brought her to where she is today and sounds as if it helped bring her into a marriage and put aside doubts that she might have had initially.

 

Damn, if I were the guy I would subconsciously resent her for telling me and forcing me to go through a ritualistic 20 hour interrogation fest that is nothing more than OCD, ego stroke, ritual to help me wash out the image when who knows what he himself might have done during those 3 days out of the relationship. I guarantee you if he did something, he's thinking... "That didn't mean anything...no reason to tell her." Yet, here she is torturing herself over something that I see as a non-issue.

[woinlove]

You all are crazy for encouraging her to tell him about this momentary bad decision during a technical "BREAK" in the relationship. There is a double thread on this topic I might add. Drifter... you are a guy like myself, and remember she's talking about doing something during a technical "break up" and throwing someone out before sex is even completed. How many people could do the same thing?! I sure couldn't. You're talking about a guy actually wanting to know about her thought process to better understand at what point she knew without a doubt that she wanted to be with him alone, etc.. blah, blah. I'm taking liberties with your post, but seriously... That's nothing more than mental masturbation for a man to get rid of the utterly shocking and debilitating image of another penis inside of his beloved new wife. Period. That is a ridiculously tough image for a man to get out of his head, and can jeopardize everything about the relationship, especially if it's new. It's ok for us to do because "it didn't mean anything" but we simply can't handle it very well when it happens to us. That's the truth about it.

 

She has no reason to feel badly and the experience that brought her to where she is today and sounds as if it helped bring her into a marriage and put aside doubts that she might have had initially.

 

Damn, if I were the guy I would subconsciously resent her for telling me and forcing me to go through a ritualistic 20 hour interrogation fest that is nothing more than OCD, ego stroke, ritual to help me wash out the image when who knows what he himself might have done during those 3 days out of the relationship. I guarantee you if he did something, he's thinking... "That didn't mean anything...no reason to tell her." Yet, here she is torturing herself over something that I see as a non-issue.

 

I don't follow your logic. Seems on one hand you say she should not tell because it is not a big deal and on the other hand she should not tell because to her H it will be a very big deal.

 

womaninlove, I think it depends on what kind of R you have with your H. I would certainly tell, but we discuss everything, particularly if one of us feels embarrassed or bad about something that could possibly affect the other person. But we are extremely close and intimate and we like it that way.

[GLDheart]

I agree it is a non-issue. She wants to tell him and has guilt. For that reason alone telling MAY help her deal with it.

 

I personally, like the idea of HONESTY in a relationship... even when it is sometimes hard to deal with.

[Steen719]

You obviousl had consensual sex with this man. You WANTED to. Telling your husband you f*cked another man for ten minutes but that you didn't want to is possibly the WORST of both worlds, because that's like telling your husband you think he's a moron who is stupid enough to believe anything.

 

^^^^^I have to agree with this^^^^^unless he raped you.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't tell him. He couldn't handle you kissing someone else so how do you think he'll react to this?

 

He gets his jollies off of saying you were only with him so why burst his bubble?

 

To me that would be cruel.

[Kelemvor]

I don't follow your logic. Seems on one hand you say she should not tell because it is not a big deal and on the other hand she should not tell because to her H it will be a very big deal.

 

womaninlove, I think it depends on what kind of R you have with your H. I would certainly tell, but we discuss everything, particularly if one of us feels embarrassed or bad about something that could possibly affect the other person. But we are extremely close and intimate and we like it that way.

 

It's quite simple. "Big deal" is a relative perception. What do I mean by this? A rainbow for instance... I glance at one and think about the physics behind the phenomenon and for another person, it's a sign from God that they should do X today. Relative perception. In the grand scheme of things... her motives are relatively pure. She was not cheating within a monogamous relationship, but was in fact technically broken up, and even had the presence of mind to fend off a sexual encounter half way through to completion which is admirable to say the least. That tells me that this is a good person, and the encounter did nothing but allow her to realize that her boyfriend was the "only one for her". After all, she had no other sexual experience. Better to have it during a 3 day "break up" than after a 3 year marriage.

 

So, in the grand scheme of things, I don't see it as a big deal, or any indication that this is a woman who would stray easily... quite the opposite. For a man, again... relative perception. He's going to see nothing but another man having sexual intercourse with his newfound wife. He simply doesn't need to know this information to make any sort of informed decision about her. It probably helped him claim and keep her in the long run from the lesson she learned from the encounter. He's a better man for it. What good does it do, to torture him in making him visualize an encounter that he won't fully understand and won't easily get out of his mind when he probably feels like the luckiest guy in the world right now. I think that's inhumane and cruel to a newfound gushing husband.

 

So, it's a big deal in the sense that most guys do NOT deal with sexual encounters with their betrothed (newly ones at that...) very well, but in the grand scheme of things.... it's really not a big deal. The fact that she feels so guilty over something so small and probably was fate that helped bring them together is enough of an indication to me that we're dealing with a good person. That's all that matters. Not what she did during an emotional moment of vulnerability during a break up, albeit a brief one. If she hadn't had that encounter, maybe it wouldn't have been a brief break up, maybe they would have gone months apart and wouldn't even be together today... who knows.

 

Either way, honesty is NOT always the best policy. That's like asking my wife about whether the sex was good between her and her old boyfriends. Some things I just really DON'T need to know.

[BetrayedH]

You all are crazy for encouraging her to tell him about this momentary bad decision during a technical "BREAK" in the relationship. There is a double thread on this topic I might add. Drifter... you are a guy like myself, and remember she's talking about doing something during a technical "break up" and throwing someone out before sex is even completed. How many people could do the same thing?! I sure couldn't. You're talking about a guy actually wanting to know about her thought process to better understand at what point she knew without a doubt that she wanted to be with him alone, etc.. blah, blah. I'm taking liberties with your post, but seriously... That's nothing more than mental masturbation for a man to get rid of the utterly shocking and debilitating image of another penis inside of his beloved new wife. Period. That is a ridiculously tough image for a man to get out of his head, and can jeopardize everything about the relationship, especially if it's new. It's ok for us to do because "it didn't mean anything" but we simply can't handle it very well when it happens to us. That's the truth about it.

 

She has no reason to feel badly and the experience that brought her to where she is today and sounds as if it helped bring her into a marriage and put aside doubts that she might have had initially.

 

Damn, if I were the guy I would subconsciously resent her for telling me and forcing me to go through a ritualistic 20 hour interrogation fest that is nothing more than OCD, ego stroke, ritual to help me wash out the image when who knows what he himself might have done during those 3 days out of the relationship. I guarantee you if he did something, he's thinking... "That didn't mean anything...no reason to tell her." Yet, here she is torturing herself over something that I see as a non-issue.

 

It's up to the husband to decide if it is a non-issue, not you.

[Kelemvor]

It's up to the husband to decide if it is a non-issue, not you.

 

No, it's up to HER to determine if this is issue enough to even tell her husband. Again, something that happened during a technical "break up". There are grades of malfeasance as well as culpability that should be considered in this case. However, the fact that they were broken up... really excludes the need for absolute divulgence in my mind. After all, there was no relationship at that time.

Edited August 8, 2012 by Kelemvor

[GLDheart]

He gets his jollies off of saying you were only with him so why burst his bubble?

 

Because other people know that she had sex with this other guy.

 

If she wants to remain in control, then SHE needs to control the way the information comes out. If she wants to live a life of feeling powerless than she will stay quiet and hope noone ever let's it slip out that she slept around while on "break". BUT, she will forever live in fear of it coming out. She will alienate anyone in her life that may know about it and she will stay away from those social circles where "they" know.

 

The OP will forever feel powerless. The other approach is to take back control and tell. YES, she will have to face the repercussions. But, in my experience, that's a small price to pay for being empowered over your own fate.

 

 

 

p.s.

Notice how I didn't even mention the husband with all of that. They were on break (and as long as it was legitimate and not one of those one sided breaks where the husband thought they were still together) she doesn't owe him anything. She needs to tell for her own mental well being.

Edited August 8, 2012 by GLDheart

[eeyore1981]

I think it's pretty effed up your H puts so much value on being the 'one and only', especially when your not his, but to each their own. It just reminds me of a woman I worked with when I was a teen that had all kinds of marriage trouble because she wasn't a virgin when she married her H, even though he was well aware she'd been married before and had two children before their first date...

 

Since your H has this kind of attitude, I can see him leaving, or browbeating you to death for the rest of your lives together if you tell him what happened. If you see that as better than the guilt you feel over it, then by all means, tell him. Otherwise, this is stuff that happened when you weren't with him, and is none of his business. His perception of you as only being with him was true when he made it, and if it was so important to him, you guys shouldn't have split up which left you free to do whatever with someone else.

[Kelemvor]

Let me tell you a story... I was with a girl as a teenager for a few years, high school sweethearts if you will. She was religious, a virgin, and was adamant about maintaining virginity until she got married. We broke up, met back up a bit later (after we had both been sexually active) and dated again. I can remember lying in bed and questioning her about her sexual history while we were apart. Who did she sleep with first? All types of details that were none of my business. I suspect she felt much like you... the need to divulge information to satisfy my curiosity in the auspices of honesty and openness.

 

I wish I had never asked. Those details haunted me and were detrimental to our relationship both emotional and sexual. It's literally all I could think about for the longest time.

 

I'd really beg you not to do that to him. I truly wish during that relationship that I had never known. I had no business to know, and it was no business of mine to ask.

Edited August 8, 2012 by Kelemvor

[NotCamelot]

I have to agree with some others. You either have to keep it a secret to the grave or you have to tell 100% of everything.

 

The problem with telling is, you seem to think it was less of an offense since the guy did not finish. No man I have ever heard of is going to 1) believe this and 2) care.

 

You let another man inside you and that will be all that matters.

 

Think this through slowly and clearly. To most spouses, the fact that you were any kind of intimate is all the same.

 

I won't advise either way as I believe that is an individual moral choice.

 

Just be prepared for a storm if you tell. And be prepared to live with the guilt if you don't.