Hi, new to the forums. Just found out a week ago my wife had an affair. Need .

[MarkusM117]

Hello all. After a week of misery I started looking on the internet for help with my emotions, and this place seemed like a good sane place to get some perspective. I know you aren't therapists, but it will be good just to talk, I think. My wife and I are in our upper twenties, married young, been married about seven years. No kids.

 

 

So about seven or eight months ago my wife confessed to me that she had a slight affair with a co-worker. She went to his house and they talked and then made out, but that was it. It was devastating, there was alot of anger alot sadness, but also alot of talking. We eventually got past it. She had, after all, confessed everything and was completely transparent, allowed me to keep an eye on her text messages, ect. The other man was going to look for another job, and in the mean time her boss was going to try to schedule it so that they wouldn't work together. That was that.

 

 

Then a couple weeks ago she found out that this guy (who is a kind of chubby middle aged guy) had been having a sexual affair with another young woman who he had been working with (this other woman was an office friend of my wife). She then got up the courage to tell me that a few weeks prior this guy had been following her, leaving notes on her car, and trying to get back in contact with my wife. She said that she met with him, but told him that she just wanted to be left alone, and to stop trying to contact her.

 

I did the perfectly rational thing and found this guy's phone number, threatened him with grave bodily harm if he didn't leave me wife alone (I am not that kind of person, but I didn't like some guy stalking my wife), then I contacted the other guy's wife and told her about what he had been doing. I told his wife that he had an affair with a young co-worker and had a brief less serious incident with my wife, and had been following my wife around. I told her that I would want to know if my spouse had been cheating, and that I was doing this as a service to her. The other guy then confessed everything to his wife. And his wife then called me to tell me that part of that confession was his months long affair with my wife. I confronted my wife about it.

 

Turns out that after she confessed that one incident to me, a couple of months passed and then they started seeing each other again. And it got sexual. Not "all the way" sexual but oral and fingering (hopefully that isn't too explicit for this forum, let me know and I will edit it if necessary) in the inventory room at work. He also took her to the woods and behind a school and she would strip down to her panties and he would pleasure himself while she watched. Plus of course lots of making out and touching. My wife insists they never had "sex" sex. This went on for months, and then eventually he did get another job and it ended. Then after a couple of months he tried to contact her again, and she turned him down. I found out about it all a couple of weeks after that.

 

When I found out, there was alot of screaming, I smashed a TV, then there was alot of crying. She stayed at a friend's house that night. It has just been a combination of anger, depression, and disgust on my part since then. She says she is "so sorry" and she doesn't know why she did it. She said she ended it and just hoped that I would never find out. We have a happy marriage, and she insists that she loves me and out marriage and will do anything to save it. There have been problems sexually, in that she felt like we didn't have enough sex, or that she was always the one initiating it, but that was because she has so many body issues. My wife is a beautiful woman, with low self esteem. She barely lets me see her naked, and any time I try to initiate sex I get shot down because she hasn't shaved her legs recently enough, or she thinks her skin is broken out right now, or any other myriad of reasons. We can only have sex when she feels comfortable having sex which is why we only have sex when she initiates it. And we talked about that, and she agrees, and apologizes. And says she wants to work on that. But everything else in our marriage is great.

 

The thing is, it wasn't even a...."healthy" affair, if such a thing exists. He was middle aged, and chubby, and she said he was emotionally abusive and belittling, and frequently would just take what he wanted without asking. She says he was manipulative and was doing the same thing to another young woman at work. But at the same time, she was excited by it. She said "he was good at alot of things" a statement that disgusts me just as much as it emasculates me. She says she felt ashamed and grossed out by alot of the things they did (like going behind a school so he can pleasure himself while she watches half naked,) but she still went. And alot of times she wasn't disgusted with what he was doing, but really into it.

 

She said she ended it, but at the same time I don't think that is entirely honest. He left the job, and she told him "no" once a couple months later before I found out. I told her that him leaving the job doesn't count as "ending it" and asked her if this would've still been going on if he had never switched jobs. The best she could offer was "I hope not."

 

The feelings of disgust and emasculation are over whelming at times. I threw up a few times when she told me she had her mouth on his penis. She came home after she did that and kissed me with that mouth that had just been on his penis. That made me wretch and vomit. And her talking about how good he was at kissing and touching her and putting her right where he wanted her, it both disgusts me and makes me feel ashamed and inadequate. I don't claim to be a great lover, I frequently worry that I'm not. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with, and she barely lets me touch her down there, before she becomes embarrassed and self conscious and frustrated. I've been honest with her, and asked her to show me what it is she likes and wants me to do, but she just shrugs and says she doesn't know.

 

As you can tell I am sexually frustrated, but I have never ever once even contemplated cheating on my wife. I was just trying to help her work through her issues. She is spoiled, and I give and give to her, and she cheats on me and asks for forgiveness. I'm angry, I'm jealous, I'm disgusted, I'm ashamed, and I have no idea what to do.

 

I am working through alot of emotions. Financially it just isn't viable to separate. We just bought a house a couple of years ago, and neither of us can afford it on our own. She is sleeping on the couch because I just can handle her being next to me. She is going to therapy, and I agreed that I would go see him as a couple as well after a while. In the first session the therapist pretty much told her she has daddy issues. No duh. I just started going back to school and my semester begins soon, which I am infinitely thankful for. I just want something to focus on because just going to work and being at home to contemplate what she did is killing me.

 

I mean, how do I get the images out of my head? How do I not feel disgusted when I see her. I just need to be able to talk. Any advice? Any questions? Anything helpful at all?

Edited August 7, 2012 by MarkusM117
holy crap, no spaces between paragraphs. Why/

[road]

Buy the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[BH37]

I have been where you are, and know it is a painful experience. You have a long road ahead of you either way, if you stay or if you go. Information is everything, you need to learn as much as possible about this very subject to make sense of it. I don't know what books etc this forum normally recommends, but the one that helped me the most was Surviving an Affair by DR Harley. Don't know if recomending this is allowed but that is my opinion.

 

As for the sex, I can almost bet your wife is lying to you. She most likely had sex with this OM and can't bring herself to tell you. It is almost assured she is giving you trickle truth, which is her way of "saving you the pain of the truth" but what she doesn't know is she is prolonging the pain and your potential recovery. The truth must be told and as soon as possible to allow you to make an informed decision on how you want to proceed with your life. Moving on in a marriage with lies will not make for a good recovery, and many would argue will provide the rotten apple in the bushel effect toward your future together.

 

I would recomend getting on some meds (from a doctor!) ASAP, they will help dull the pain and get you through the hard time, which is the first 1 to 3 months. Try eating, your going to lose a lot of weight if you have any to spare, if you don't have any to spare your still going to lose a lot of weight.

[Krytie TV]

I would recomend getting on some meds (from a doctor!) ASAP, they will help dull the pain and get you through the hard time, which is the first 1 to 3 months. Try eating, your going to lose a lot of weight if you have any to spare, if you don't have any to spare your still going to lose a lot of weight.

 

Please don't. You don't need a crutch like meds. What you need is an environment in which you feel respected, which you don't have currently. Unfortunately, time is the only thing that heals this situation. As time passes, the senses become duller and duller around this issue and you begin to be able to move on. The variable in this equation is the ongoing relationship and living situation. I agree with the other person that she almost certainly had sex with this person and for whatever reason is choosing to withhold that infformation from you. Whether she admits that or not, you truly need to move forward KNOWING that she had sex with this man. The last thing you want to do is heal the wounds as they have been divulged only to have to start all over again when the truth about the sex comes out.

 

I won't begin to know whether you are better off with your wife or without, and nothing I said would matter anyway. Don't think for one second though that she is the only one that needs some help to get past her issues. You now have some things to work on, either alone or with help, and through that process the right path for you in this relatioship will become clear, but do nothing immediately. Don't force a choice, the choice will eventually choose you.

[MarkusM117]

I have already gotten the "trickle" truth, that went from they made out some more, to his fingered her in the inventory room, to they met in the woods and she whipped out his dick, to he masturbated while she watched, to she gave him oral sex. I have grilled her multiple times, but she has stopped at oral sex, crying while saying she doesn't have any other answer but "no" they never went all the way. I don't trust her, I don't know how I can trust her, but at the same time, she isn't budging on going past oral.

[Krytie TV]

I don't trust her, I don't know how I can trust her, but at the same time, she isn't budging on going past oral.

 

Don't push it. You know the truth, don't give her the power of hiding it from you. Besides, after knowing she gave him oral sex, does it really matter what else happened? Is there a higher degree of vomit that you get from intercourse that you don't get from oral? I can't imagine so.

[MarkusM117]

I feel resentful of books and other advice givers that try to point out that it was in some way my fault, and that I wasn't meeting her needs. The implication there was that it was entirely preventable, and even though they are responsible for their actions, I am responsible for making them want to take those actions.

 

I was actively trying to meet her needs. I was open, I tried to discuss things with her, we talked about issues and I actively tried to fulfill them. I'm not sure I can say the same about her. She was the taker in the relationship for sure. When I decided to go back to school, I asked her if she could take over alot of the household chores. I was going to be working full time and going to school full time pursuing a very demanding degree. She said absolutely, she would support my efforts, she would keep the house clean and comfortable for me, and take care of my laundry and make dinners during my semesters. Ordinarily I do my own laundry, do most of the cleaning, and cooking (she is a terrible cook). But that just never happened. I still ended up doing alot of the cleaning, having to do my own laundry, and I just had to eat out alot because she still didn't cook very often. She works full time too, but nothing compared to how busy I am in school and with a job.

 

NOW that she is feeling all guilty she is cleaning alot more, doing my laundry, making my bed even though she is sleeping on the couch. But it's like, why didn't she ever make this kind of effort before? I did those things because I wanted her to have a great romantic gourmet dinner, or a nourishing breakfeast, or a comfortable clean house to come home to. Why didn't she ever want to give me those things even when I asked?

 

Even though I feel ashamed for not having met my wifes needs, whatever those are, I don't blame myself for it, or hold myself accountable for it. I was actively trying to improve our marriage and make her happy. I'm not sure I can say the same about her. She seemed to have a passive role, where she just wanted me to deliver a good marriage to her. And I thought I was, she says I was, but for some reason she still stepped outside of her marriage.

 

I just don't understand.

[Krytie TV]

I was actively trying to meet her needs.

 

She was the taker in the relationship for sure.

 

This is what it boils down to. My ex-wife sounds a lot like your wife and some people just are not capable or ready to put in the effort for the relationship. Takers are takers, and there's not much you can expect to get back from them while they are takers.

[wifehurtheart]

You could find yourself dealing with the mind movies for a long time. My D-day was nearly five months ago and the movies still invade my life several times a day. My wife and I are working through things but one of the things she doesn't quite get yet is how those images just show up out of nowhere and ruin your day. Good luck.....sorry you're going through this.

[BH37]

I feel resentful of books and other advice givers that try to point out that it was in some way my fault, and that I wasn't meeting her needs. The implication there was that it was entirely preventable, and even though they are responsible for their actions, I am responsible for making them want to take those actions.

 

 

NOW that she is feeling all guilty she is cleaning alot more, doing my laundry, making my bed even though she is sleeping on the couch. But it's like, why didn't she ever make this kind of effort before?

 

.

I haven't read any books that accuse the betrayed spouse of causing the problems that lead to being betrayed. There are books that want you to look at what you contributed to cause the condition of the marriage and try to improve on those things. Not all marriages are in poor condition and still experience infidelity, but most have something lacking. No betrayed spouse makes the decision, it is solely the WS who is guilty of an affair. There is no marriage in any condition that justifies infidelity.

 

Her participating and trying to do for you is a very good sign she wants to make things work. You are fortunate, not all WS act like this, she is showing remorse, regret, and is trying to keep you there.

[drifter777]

Financially it just isn't viable to separate.

 

 

I feel resentful of books and other advice givers that try to point out that it was in some way my fault, and that I wasn't meeting her needs. The implication there was that it was entirely preventable, and even though they are responsible for their actions, I am responsible for making them want to take those actions

 

Markus - you haven't done anything to deserve the horrible betrayal your wife has perpetrated on you. Even though you say you don't blame yourself for some of this, it comes through loud and clear that you do. It's normal & completely understandable as you are simply not thinking clearly at this time. The devastation you are feeling due to your wife's cheating has turned your emotional world upside down and it is going to take some time before your world makes sense again. Find your own counselor - stay away from her's - and start working on your own recovery as soon as possible.

 

As others have pointed out here, your wife is still lying to you regarding her sexual contact with the other man. She will never tell you the whole truth although bits and pieces will continue to come out over time. You have only begun to experience the trickle truth thing.

 

You need to believe me when I tell you that reconciliation with a cheating wife is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will continue to feel anger, sadness, pain, and mental images of her and OM for a long, long time. All the work you go through trying to reconcile may not work in the end anyway. Since you don't have children you really should consider ending your marriage. You say it would be a financial blow if you divorce, but the alternative is going to be much worse then you can imagine. Think about it; you are young enough to recover from this both emotionally and financially and start a brand new life. The sooner you end this broken marriage the sooner you will begin to heal.

[Steadfast]

You didn't deserve this, but she may not be telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction. Some call this 'judgement'. Here's a plan.

 

One of the couples I saw for council healed their relationship (he cheated) themselves after attempts with MC and reading books nearly drove then to divorce. After deciding that they wanted to save the marriage (don't underestimate, this is huge) they established a few simple rules.

 

Main rules: No one else involved in any way. No contact. Then, complete and total honesty. No exceptions. These were vows. Divorce if broken.

 

1) Don't ask a question if you don't think you can handle the truth.

 

2) No reactionary moves, gestures or statements. "I'm going to talk" meant one would talk, the other would listen for a maximum of 15-minutes. No exceptions. They both used notepads to jot and discuss items later.

 

3) "I need to cool off" meant the conversation was over. No pursuing or pushing until one or the other came back to the spouse, kissed him or her on the cheek, and said it was OK to resume. I was told that sometimes, one or the other would take DAYS to cool off. Can you feel the uphill challenge?

 

4) No name calling, no cussing, and they never ended a day in silence. Even during the roughest times, "I love you" was exchanged before bed, even if they slept apart. Which also happened often.

 

That was 25-years ago. They are real and they are awesome. They made it.

[Artie Lang]

i just don't believe there was NO sex involved.

 

this was a "months long affair," after all..... and this was tt'd. how can you believe her now?

 

if this guy was so repulsive, how was it that he was bangin' two women- from the same workplace -at the same time. there must be something about him, right?

 

i just don't buy it. then again, you're the one who has to live with her.

 

the things they were doing sound pretty sick and perverted(behind a school?).

 

she needs professional help!

Edited August 8, 2012 by Artie Lang

[GLDheart]

I find it impossible to think that they did not have sex. In fact her admitting to the oral is her way of copping out to a lesser plea.

 

Know in your heart that they did EVERYTHING. Now if you can forgive everything, then you get to work on it. If you can't forgive it all then atleast the trickle truth won't ever undue what you forgave.

 

I know you said that she is the only woman you have been with. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR LACK OF SKILL OR WHATEVER. FORGET THAT!

 

This is about her insecurity and about her needing to feel wanted. Here's the scary thing about that... even if you guys reconcile that won't go away. Even if you tell her she's the hottest thing on the planet everyday, she will still need outsiders to find her attractive for her to see herself that way. She was not attracted to this guy. SHE WAS ATTRACTED TO HIS ATTRACTION FOR HER.

 

In fact, I bet his overweight unattractiveness let her feel more comfortable in herself by comparison. She simply NEEDS that external validation.... and always will. The only hope SHE has (yep this is on her and not you), is to get to the root cause of her insecurity... this goes all the way to the "on again off again" love she received as a child.

 

How do I know this? My ex is the same way.

[It's Just Me]

Markus, your story was a really tough read. So sad and heartbreaking. I'm glad you got some of it off your chest in here, and I hope you feel a bit better by doing that.

 

I will concur with others and state (with no formal psych education or practice, mind you), that this has nothing to do with you, or your ability to be a good husband/partner. Stop beating yourself up.

 

It sounds like she may have some daddy issues, as mentioned, or worse - was she molested as a kid? Forgive me, but the description of their interactions sounds creepily pedophilic, and the dude sounds like very bad news. Behind a school? Really?

 

This is going to take some time, on both your parts, to heal. It sounds like you want to give it a shot, and you should. There is a long, hard road ahead - pace yourself.

[jnj express]

Hey Markus-----you both may not have been meeting each others needs---but the solution for that is forced conversation---not doing all kinds of weird and kinky things with a lover

 

Also all of the different things that were done---that is all physcial and it is all sex

 

So she has demonized you to justify her destroying you---because of the various things she did, and the way she did them, and the "where" she did them, and then coming home and giving you sloppy 2nds-----I am sad to say but you are in for a lifetime of misery---if you stay with this woman

 

Also do not tell me that you HAVE to stay with her----you may not wanna make changes, and it all may be hard---but if you need to leave a mge---you get a D., and leave

 

Should she have passed away (perish the thought) you would have had to do it all on your own---so stop with the excuses

 

Basically the wife you once did love, and knew---she has gone---and she and your mge are dead---where you go from here is up to you

 

Once again, cuz of what she did, and the way she did things, your sub--conscious IS NOT GONNA LET THIS GO

 

Only way to get rid of the triggers, and slow down the visions, and all the other pain, and hurt---is by D'ing her

 

What you do is up to you---mge., is hard enuff, at best if things are good---how you live thru the misery of this---WHO KNOWS

 

If you do decide to stay and R.-----do not be mr nice guy---no lovey--dovey, make her completely accountable---and do not allow her back into her cushy lifestyle, that she had prior to her infidelity---SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT WHAT SHE DID, WILL NOT GO AWAY ANY TIME SOON, AND SHE WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE, she has to be treated harshly, and there is to be no rug sweeping WHATSOEVER.

 

Actually instead of her sleeping on the couch---put her and all her clothes, and cosmetics, in a small room in the house, and that is where she lives, and stays---let her get a dose of what life will be like, if you D., her, and she has to go in the big wide world on her own.

[GLDheart]

This woman is the EXACT type that will have a baby and let you think it's yours. If you think you feel pain now... wait until after you have loved a child for two or three years and it comes out during an argument that the real father is schoolyard predator's.

 

No wonder you threw up. That's your soul trying to purge itself of this nasty woman.

[frozensprouts]

op,

it sounds like you are going through a really horrible time right now, and I'm so sorry for that. Your wife sounds like she treated you in a really cr@ppy way and was very disrespectful to you on top of it all...

 

I know it may be too early to decide anything, but do you have any idea of what you need right now? Do you need some time apart from her to try and clear your head and think? Do you feel you need some counseling either on your own or with her? Do you feel like you want to stay with her or that you just want to call it quits?

 

Whatever you decide, take your time and make sure that you are doing what's right for you. If you decide to reconcile, give yourself all the time you need to decide what that will look like for you, and also to decide what you will need from your spouse to make that happen.

 

if reconciliation doesn't see possible, that's okay too. There's no shame in having your marriage end if it's what's right for you. There's also no obligation to stay wth her because you love her. You may well love her, you may well, on some level, love her always...but love alone isn't enough to sustain a marriage. Sometimes the best thing you can do for both of you is to walk away. In a situation like that, staying together would serve no purpose but to be a long term punishment for both of you.

 

Whatever decisions you make, be kind to yourself. Look after yourself and treat yourself well. It's okay to make mistakes when trying to move forward- if you do, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her you're going to have an STD test done and it better come back negative. Let her know that she has ONE chance, right now to truly come clean about if she did physically have sex (be specific to her - Did his penis go inside your vagina, yes or no).

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

I hope she gets some counselling so she can fix herself. She's broken in so many ways and needs to gain self confidence.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but I think you're being trickled truthed. I think things went a lot farther than you think. Rule of thumb, without concrete proof, a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truely is. Case in point; if you didn't hear back from the OMW you would have believed that it was only a make out session at his place and happening only one time.

 

I would advise you to talk to the OMW again if she's agreeable and see if your notes match up to what she knows. She might know something that you don't.