Revenge affair, what it did to/for me

[BH37]

New here, just happened apon this sight. Have participated in other infidelity sights.

 

First I will give a little back ground. Married 16 years. 2 teenage childrend boy & girl. High school sweethearts, married young, right out of high school.

10 years ago I learned my wife had had 4 one night stands with 4 guys she worked with, all within the first year of marriage. We worked through it, it was a long rough road, but we managed to make a better marriage. Moved across the country to put the past in the rearview mirrors and make a new, better life for our family.

 

Fast forward 10 years, I learned in December 2011 that my wife and best friend of 8 years had had a 3 month long affair, that was becoming physical. It never led to sex, but oral sex, polygraph comfirmed this. As you can imagine, I was devistated to say the least. At the very time they were having an affair I had just purchased the home of our dreams. Well, back to square one and this time around I wasn't so sure about sticking around, but finances and other issues put me in a position that I had little choice but to try to work on the marriage at least for a while.

 

I have been through this before, and believe me, I knew a lot about affairs, I read many books, I could tell you the signs & symptoms, the what to do's and what not to do's, The types of affairs, how they start, how they end. Short of being a theropist, I considered myself an expert in infidelity, as I took it very hard learning of her affairs early in our marriage. Now here we are again, started down the same path as last time, the talks, reading the dusty books, working on the marriage etc etc.

 

After about 2 months of wallowing in my misery, I decided this time it is different. I know what all the experts say about revenge affairs, and how it complicates things etc. I know how it is stooping to their level and that a marriage is even less likely to survive with a revenge affair in the long list of damage a marraige endures. Well this time I felt the level of resentment that was so much stronger, I could tast it every morning getting out of bed. I am a person of strong moral charactor, who has never lied to my wife, who has never dreamed of having sex outside our marriage, I decided I was going to stoop to that level.

 

I told my wife of my intention to have an affair of my own. I think at the time she thought it was just me being a bit bitter and still upset etc. I don't think she really thought I would go through with it. Well after making a few mistakes- a bar incident that almost landed a potential candidate, and many nights on line on match sites. I managed to have a full fledged revenge affair (nothing complicated just sex with another woman on two occasions). My wife was fully informed of my intentions, progress and was told of the outcome the 2days it happened.

 

I don't have time to get into my whole thought on what all this has done to my and my wife, and what it had done for my wife and I. But I can explain more of that later. I will tell you now that it resolved my resentment issues, but did generate other issues. The other thing I honestly believe it did was bring use to even playing fields. She was always the one in the wrong, and I in the right, now we're both in the wrong. hmm perhaps there is a lot more that it did under the surface.

 

I am not recomending anyone go down this route, but in my situation I think it may have been the best medicine for both my wife and myself. I found out that the whole going out side of the marriage, isn't all its cracked up to be, sounds good in your imagination, but it really is a big let down. For my wife, I think it is the first time in 16 years she really saw the possibility of me leaving her without actually leaving.

 

Hope you all don't bash me to bad, just thought I would share my little experience, I see some of the questions on here about revenge affairs, and the good advice people give, wich is definately don't do it, but IMO there are exceptions to that rule.

[GorillaTheater]

Sounds like it wound up being something of a mixed bag for you on a positive/negative scale, but at least you didn't "cheat", per se, if you kept your wife informed every step of the way. I'm very curious as to her reaction to all of this.

 

You could've earned bonus points if you'd had the affair with the Other Man's wife ...

[Owl]

Actually, I can only see this as a "green light" for her to do it again. And then for you to do it again...and then her, and then you, and then..........

[drifter777]

I've thought about doing this for the same reason: level the moral playing field. I want my wife to have the same images of me having sex with someone else so she will know what it's been like for me. I haven't done it yet but the door is always open.

 

As far as "helping" your situation, I'm not sure how that works. I agree with others on here that are saying "but that's not going to keep her from cheating again". I mean, you have to face the fact that your wife is a serial cheater. People like her are damaged and will always seek to be desired by other men. She has been willing to trade the attention and desire they show her for sex and that situation is going to repeat over and over again. I'd be surprised if you know how many times she has cheated, but even if it is just the 4 times you know about it is reason enough to end your marriage.

 

Don't worry so much about the financial part of it. At your age you have plenty of time to recover from divorce. The real work will be your personal recovery from all of this. Find a counselor and get started on taking care of yourself.

[ghgh750]

Good for you. I genuinely mean that. Your wife started all of this and brought this all upon herself. I honestly don't think you even need to keep her informed. Tell her that you are done cheating but continue cheating on her for the exact number of times that she cheated on you. She did not give you the courtesy of telling you before she cheated. To top it off, she cheated with your best friend! How low and dirty is this?

 

I think you should at least have two more one night stands since she had 4 one night stands. Then get some oral sex from some other women. Ideally, her best friend would work but that might not be feasible.

 

How many times did your best friend and her have oral sex? What were her reasons for doing what she did?

[durentu]

just sometimes ...

 

http://christwire.org/wp-content/uploads/spank.jpg

[Artie Lang]

whatever works.

[dreamingoftigers]

It Probably really did snap her head around.

 

My husband took off on me last September. While we were separated, another guy and I started talking because he had been treated by his spouse similarly and she left, stoping his two children with him.

 

I was glad to have the mutual friend considering circumstances.

I was under no illusion that he was going to be "Mr. Right" and I am _very_ glad that he wasn't Mr. Right Now either.

 

But what it did do was wake my husband up.

 

He snarkily told me one night "find someone else. Why dong you just go with M."

 

I've never found M really attractive and he had a whole host of other issues. H knew that. But anyway.... I told him "I guess it's easier with permission."

 

Nc for a week on my part and all of a sudden its "meet me in At xyz hotel, I'll get the jacuzzi room, here have a present."

 

Nc for a little more on my part and then echoes of paranoia on his, plus the fact that we had to work together for an important cause on our daughter's behalf and ....voila.... No longer taking me completely for granted.

 

He didn't have a leg to stand on and he knew it.

 

We've been in excellent counseling ever since. I have no more serious complaints.

 

I think when a spouse that pulls that bull**** realizes that you have options too, if they have half of a brain left, they start treating you like a priority and not an option.

 

Tbh the attention improved my self-esteem and helped me to realize that I have options too. I no longer allow my h to treat me like he's Yorick Brown.

[GLDheart]

You bring up a very BIG distinction.

 

YOU did not cheat. You had extra marital sex. You informed your wife, before and after.

 

THAT is WAY different then:

Husband - "Hey honey how was work today? Anything special happen?"

Wife - "Nope boring day... same old same old..."

wife - **cough... nailed another one of my colleagues... cough cough**

Husband - "What was that you said? I couldn't quite hear you?"

Wife - "Oh, I said: nailed a spot on the volleyball league"

Husband - "That's great news baby. I love you so much."

Wife - "Yeah same here, you're the best".

[karnak]

Why do people stay in relationships like these?

 

I can't understand. It's just crap piling over crap. People abusing themselves and others.

[eeyore1981]

You bring up a very BIG distinction.

 

YOU did not cheat. You had extra marital sex. You informed your wife, before and after.

 

THAT is WAY different then:

Husband - "Hey honey how was work today? Anything special happen?"

Wife - "Nope boring day... same old same old..."

wife - **cough... nailed another one of my colleagues... cough cough**

Husband - "What was that you said? I couldn't quite hear you?"

Wife - "Oh, I said: nailed a spot on the volleyball league"

Husband - "That's great news baby. I love you so much."

Wife - "Yeah same here, you're the best".

 

I agree with what you say about the extra marital sex, though you may not agree with me when I say it doesn't matter that he informed his wife before and after. I do truly believe that it's no longer cheating once one breaks those vows of monogamy unless they both re-commit to the marriage being two people only. It sounds to me like the OP did that the first time, but not the second (or 52cd...).

 

I think the reason it didn't work out as well for OP as he thought it might is because of why he did it and how he went about it. He didn't meet someone he was attracted to, he went on the prowl, and anyone willing would do for him. He also did this in large part to pay her back and hurt her like she hurt him, which makes it about her in large part.

[BH37]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]Thanks for the responses.

As for the "why would you stay with her" questions, believe me I have asked that question many times. I'm a good looking, level headed guy, and I hold a good paying job. I can most certainly find someone else who would treat me better. However, our current financial situation was strained at best when I purchased a new home, it really would have destroyed us both, and set me back to a post high school financial situation, which wasn't appealing at all to me. So having been through this, and having an extensive knowledge of what I was in store for in the whole recovering from an affair, I knew I could survive that again, not easy, but do-able.

 

I felt like I was stuck, and the revenge affair was really the only feasible option I could come up with that would do two things; Show her I can find a replacement, and show me I am capable of finding another woman. It was a way of empowering myself.

 

My wife's reaction when I came home from my first date with OW, was total and utter heartbreak. I actually felt horrible about it, I could see the pain I had cause, and knew exactly what she was feeling as I have been in that very dark place before. She had one additional emotion in there, it was something I had never had to deal with, don't know a word for it but it was the realization that she drove me to this and if not for her I would never have stooped to that level, and I believe this was a part of her heartbreak- she had ruined a good man.

 

It was an awful experience for both of us. But I think I got the point accross. Now she knew full well what it feels like to have the person you love the most go out and have sex with another person. She now knew what it was like to only be able to imagine what happened, like looking at a porn movie play in your mind. Now SHE could only relying on the betrayer to tell her every detail so she could dull the images down to a more reasonable level, as the images in her mind were obviously far more radical the reality of what happened. You all know what it's like to be there. She finally got to see what it really is like to experience betrayal.

 

As for the doing it behind her back, I couldn't do it. I am a man of my word, and have always strived to be honest in my life, and I will not for any reason stray from that. The woman I had sex with was fully aware of my situation, and my wife unfortunately was spared the whole experience of learning her life was a sham, a lie and wasn't what she thought it was. She was spared the doubts and disbelief's and the not knowing if she could trust her husband as he had lied so many times she wouldn't know if it was truth or a lie.

 

Another thing I learned, It really is much easier to get over the guilt of betraying than it is to get over being betrayed. This is where the playing field is not level at all, the betrayed must struggle and carry the weight of the marriage and what was done. Where the betrayer only experiences moments of guilt and heartache that passes in a very short period of time and is only reminded of the pain when they see the heartache of the betrayed. Life is not fair!

 

No this will not keep her from cheating again, but will give her some perspective. Now she isn't sitting on the sideline watching her victim, she is now the victim herself, with a new perspective, perhaps now she fully knows what an affair's affect is.

[/FONT]

[BH37]

Quick note: I am in no means trying to make a case for revenge affairs, this is not my intention. I wanted to share my story, and give some insight on how it affected our marriage and how it affected me. My situation is with a someone who didn't learn from thier misdeeds from early on in her life/marriage, and I felt I had few options at the time. I would not recomend this at all, it really isn't what its cracked up to be.

[Steadfast]

That is good to know. Otherwise, it's just another example of the end justifying the means. All too often, we're justifying something that's wrong.

 

In my experience, the innocent (the woman in my rebound relationship) was the one who suffered most in the end. My marriage was over and I wasn't trying to 'use' her to get my ex-wife back...but I did use her. To feel better. In the process I hurt her and two precious little girls. I was wrong.

 

Funny how this person is seldom mentioned in our quest to mend hearts.

[Spark1111]

I am so amazed at how self-centered many cheaters are.

 

Why is it, and I have read it here often, that many do not fully understand the pain of infidelity until it happens to them?

 

It's as if, well it was no big deal to me, so it shouldn't be a big deal to you, BS.

 

Or, I am so over the affair, so you should be too. Even though it consumed every waking moment of my life while it was happening, it's long gone now, so why are you still so upset BS?

[dreamingoftigers]

I am so amazed at how self-centered many cheaters are.

 

Why is it, and I have read it here often, that many do not fully understand the pain of infidelity until it happens to them?

 

It's as if, well it was no big deal to me, so it shouldn't be a big deal to you, BS.

 

Or, I am so over the affair, so you should be too. Even though it consumed every waking moment of my life while it was happening, it's long gone now, so why are you still so upset BS?

 

It's pretty mind-blowing isn't it?

 

I didn't even DO anything with said other guy and my H talked about it for a bit like I had the affair. So ridiculous.

 

They just really don't get the effects whatsoever and act "pushed" into their affair.

 

It was a really bitter pill for him to swallow that "even if I did it wouldn't be any of your goddamn business because you took off, we separated, and you have been loyal to me in AT LEAST 3 years and probably longer." I often wonder about the reasoning ability of adulterers, it seems completely counter-intuitive.

[eeyore1981]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]Thanks for the responses. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]As for the "why would you stay with her" questions, believe me I have asked that question many times. I'm a good looking, level headed guy, and I hold a good paying job. I can most certainly find someone else who would treat me better. However, our current financial situation was strained at best when I purchased a new home, it really would have destroyed us both, and set me back to a post high school financial situation, which wasn't appealing at all to me. So having been through this, and having an extensive knowledge of what I was in store for in the whole recovering from an affair, I knew I could survive that again, not easy, but do-able. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn] [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]I felt like I was stuck, and the revenge affair was really the only feasible option I could come up with that would do two things; Show her I can find a replacement, and show me I am capable of finding another woman. It was a way of empowering myself. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn] [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]My wife's reaction when I came home from my first date with OW, was total and utter heartbreak. I actually felt horrible about it, I could see the pain I had cause, and knew exactly what she was feeling as I have been in that very dark place before. She had one additional emotion in there, it was something I had never had to deal with, don't know a word for it but it was the realization that she drove me to this and if not for her I would never have stooped to that level, and I believe this was a part of her heartbreak- she had ruined a good man. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn] [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]It was an awful experience for both of us. But I think I got the point accross. Now she knew full well what it feels like to have the person you love the most go out and have sex with another person. She now knew what it was like to only be able to imagine what happened, like looking at a porn movie play in your mind. Now SHE could only relying on the betrayer to tell her every detail so she could dull the images down to a more reasonable level, as the images in her mind were obviously far more radical the reality of what happened. You all know what it's like to be there. She finally got to see what it really is like to experience betrayal. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn] [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]As for the doing it behind her back, I couldn't do it. I am a man of my word, and have always strived to be honest in my life, and I will not for any reason stray from that. The woman I had sex with was fully aware of my situation, and my wife unfortunately was spared the whole experience of learning her life was a sham, a lie and wasn't what she thought it was. She was spared the doubts and disbelief's and the not knowing if she could trust her husband as he had lied so many times she wouldn't know if it was truth or a lie. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn] [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]Another thing I learned, It really is much easier to get over the guilt of betraying than it is to get over being betrayed. This is where the playing field is not level at all, the betrayed must struggle and carry the weight of the marriage and what was done. Where the betrayer only experiences moments of guilt and heartache that passes in a very short period of time and is only reminded of the pain when they see the heartache of the betrayed. Life is not fair![/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn] [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn]No this will not keep her from cheating again, but will give her some perspective. Now she isn't sitting on the sideline watching her victim, she is now the victim herself, with a new perspective, perhaps now she fully knows what an affair's affect is. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tms Rmn][/FONT]

 

We do look at things a little differently, but we seem to be on the same page as far as once the door has been opened, it's open.

 

I haven't had a revenge affair, and even the term doesn't seem to fit with how I'm looking at the situation.

 

When I got serious with my husband, I know longer looked at other men 'that way'. I can't even say it was a conscious decision, it is just the way it was for me. No matter how bad things got between us, I thought about leaving, and even left a few times, but I never thought about cheating. Even when I was hit on from time to time, I was SHOCKED, and my thoughts were more along the lines of "Why would you even think of me like that, I'm MARRIED..."

 

But that's all over now. Again, not a conscious decision, but I notice men differently, some I even find attractive in one way or another. I don't think I could just have sex with some guy to get payback or get over the problems I'm still having from the affair, because I think it would make me feel bad about myself, but I don't have any bad judgement towards those that can and do. I just don't see things the same way I used to.

[dreamingoftigers]

It shatters that "You & Me against the World" Wall when you discover your partner keeps scaling the wall to go and get with people on the other side of it.

 

I found the same thing, I'd never notice another guy or even put out above before he cheated. Now it's completely weird. I don't try anything but I get hit in about once a week (I'm obese, the heaviest I've ever been so I find it weird, although it is entirely possible that I've hit "fetish" standards is why it's happening more frequently).

 

Sometimes I think, "who would really know or care if I did go off somewhere?"

 

Not like before where I would be horrified by the possibility. Now it's just like, "who gives a ****? My husband clearly didn't give a **** and even if I got caught out, at this point I'm not sure too many people would blame me or care."

 

But maybe that's the same kind of thinking our wayward spouses had/have.

 

The reasons I don't are: my daughter, STDs and I did commit to working on this marriage, unintended pregnancy. Plus I think it would be pretty shaming and disappointing. But that's still a much shorter list than before.

[BH37]

It is lack of empathy that creats a cheater. There are different degrees of this condition, some have a complete lack of empathy others are much more mild cases. There is a name for it, which by definition I believe is sociopath? Sorry my spell check doesn't work either. Someone correct me, don't have time to look it up.. at work right now.

This is the very condition a revenge affair may be in order, as this type of person has either an inability or less than normal ability to put themselves in the place of the "victim" or betrayed, and only can understand by having been put in that place physically, to understand. I do believe this is my sitch.

As for the "get over it", I knew this to be the norm with a WS as they all get over their part in an affair in a short period of time. Having experienced this, I can say it was a very short period of time I was over the guilt and shame of it. It took my wife 4 to 5 times as long, and she had little of the full effect of an actual affair.

 

There is one similarity, as the WS I get triggers just as I do being the BS, when I see something that remids me of the OW, or when I pass the hotel we visited, I am triggered and do remember vividly what took place there. So the Bull***t your WS feeds you about "it was all a blur, and it is foggy I can't remember" is all a bunch of BS at its best. They remember and are reminded just the same, but just don't want to give you all the raw details.

[Spark1111]

It's pretty mind-blowing isn't it?

 

I didn't even DO anything with said other guy and my H talked about it for a bit like I had the affair. So ridiculous.

 

They just really don't get the effects whatsoever and act "pushed" into their affair.

 

It was a really bitter pill for him to swallow that "even if I did it wouldn't be any of your goddamn business because you took off, we separated, and you have been loyal to me in AT LEAST 3 years and probably longer." I often wonder about the reasoning ability of adulterers, it seems completely counter-intuitive.

 

i broke up with my H, then BF in college when an opportunity took him 1800 miles away for almost 4 years. I knew I couldn't do long distance, and didn't intend to make him do so either. I didn't intend to look for others to date. I was just too busy working and carrying 15 to 18 credits.

 

Well, I did meet someone who was kind and lonely too, and lived about three hours from campus.

 

We saw each other occasionally, and he fell for me in a big way even though we knew it wasn't going to last.

 

My H still brings this old bf up! He is still jealous! And he was the one to have almost a 2 year affair with a co-worker.

 

...go figure...

 

Had I done what he'd done, there is NO WAY he'd still be here.

[knitwit]

My one and only time with a married man (besides my own DH, of course) was a simple "mercy" tryst to help a friend get over his wife's betrayal. This was back in my young, wild, and single days. He and his W were in my circle of friends. They had been married a few years, they married young, and she betrayed him in his own house, at the end of a big party; she and her OM thought they were being quiet but were not and were found out publicly by his friends after he had already gone upstairs to sleep. He was absolutely devastated, as you might imagine.

 

He left the house and did some couch surfing for a while, then finally after a few weeks defiantly moved back to their house. It was not going well, one night he and I met up for dinner and drinks. This wasn't uncommon back then. He had had a really bad day, was very upset. He was on the emotional roller coaster for sure- was talking about hating her and loving her, he didn't know what he wanted to do, but he wanted her to get back to her old self. He was being totally freezed out- she wouldn't look at him, talk to him, he hadn't had so much as a hug or anything in over a month and he was very lonely and hurt, etc.

 

I told him that he really didn't need to be so lonely, he was very cute and could easily remedy the situation. He just shook his head despondently, gave me the whole, "yeah, easy for you, you're a woman. It's different for guys, and even my own wife won't have anything to do with me". I thought he could use some cheering up and some confidence building, and, well,as a single girl at the time, I helped him out with that. He was very surprised but amenable, LOL. In my mind at the tie, it was all in good fun.

 

I heard through the grapevine a week or so later than he had a similar "favor" from another female friend, although I think he was a little more forward with her. He was a very cute guy and it is quite possible he found a few "friends".

 

I thought it was awesome. What changed? Well, he wasn't quite so weepy. He no longer gave his wife power over him. HE was on the phone making plans, seeing females, having a mojo about him. It didn't take long for her to notice. She saw that he did, in fact, have other options besides her.

 

Also, I think he went from feeling humiliated to feeling much better about himself. I think a lot of his friends and himself- and maybe his wife- went from thinking, "Wow, poor Him" to "Look at Him now!"

 

She ditched her OM, and they reconciled. It's many years later now. They are still together and seem quite happy.

 

I am glad it worked out for them. I don't know if his own extra-marital experiences contributed to or challenged their recovery-maybe a little of both. I do think that, like the OP, the husband didn't have "affairs"- he had very upfront, one-time/no-strings extramarital sex. I don't know if either one has had additional affairs- I moved away several years ago and now only follow them on FB- but they certainly seem together and going on many adventures together from their posts.

 

Best of luck to you, BH37.

[BH37]

Thank you for your story and encouragement, knitwit. Almost sounds like a penthouse confession, in a funny way, no disrespect at all .

 

BTW I see your location is East PA, I am West PA between Erie and Pittsburgh small world.

[knitwit]

LOL! Those were some crazy days ages and ages ago, BH37.

 

It does sound rather Penthouse-like, but at the time, it was horrific. This was before cell phones and texting, etc. but his wife and OM were found out very publicly-I mean, it was in their house, but it was during a party!!!!- and probably about 10 of his friends actually saw the wife in the act- and news spread very quickly. There was no question of "exposing" this to anyone- everyone knew about it.

 

I think the H was really surprised at how much attention and, um, "comfort" he received, but really he had a lot of females friends. He was one of those poetic, writer type guys. Many of us felt very protective of him. We felt that he was done very wrong and hated to see him so depressed and upset.

 

I'm glad his wife got it together and woke up. He and his wife are a great match, really. They are the "beautiful people", very artistic, musical. It's been about 10 years now and they do seem to be going strong.

[knitwit]

Also- I love Western PA! I am a Pitt chick, love the Steelers and Pens. Small world!

[eeyore1981]

i broke up with my H, then BF in college when an opportunity took him 1800 miles away for almost 4 years. I knew I couldn't do long distance, and didn't intend to make him do so either. I didn't intend to look for others to date. I was just too busy working and carrying 15 to 18 credits.

 

Well, I did meet someone who was kind and lonely too, and lived about three hours from campus.

 

We saw each other occasionally, and he fell for me in a big way even though we knew it wasn't going to last.

 

My H still brings this old bf up! He is still jealous! And he was the one to have almost a 2 year affair with a co-worker.

 

...go figure...

 

Had I done what he'd done, there is NO WAY he'd still be here.

 

BBM

 

Does this ever bother you?