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Is my wife having an emotional affair (or worse)?

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Old 6th May 2012, 9:34 PM   #1
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Is my wife having an emotional affair (or worse)?

I'm riddled with guilt for feeling my wife of 20 years is having an emotional (perhaps more) affair - am I insanely jealous or a fool for not believing what's right in front of my face? I'd appreciate your honest feedback regarding this rather long post.

The other man is a member of our church, and is supposed to be my friend as well. I noticed last summer that whenever we were around this man (in any social situation or at church) the two of them naturally gravitated to one another but didn't obsess about it. He is also married and both families socialize in the same circles.

In late August I decided to review our cell phone usage and noticed they were texting almost 600 times per month, at all times of day and night (even in the wee hours). They were even texting during our family vacation - while she was in the backseat alone supposedly not feeling well enough to converse with our child and me. There were also occassional phone calls at odd hours. I confronted her with the information. She insisted it was just a strong friendship and promised to "back off the friendship." We remained in the same social circles, and I quietly continued to monitor the cell phone bills for a couple of months. It appeared she was keeping her word so I stopped monitoring around the holidays.

This week I needed to check the upgrade status of our phones, and checked the phone usage again. Here we go again! They have been texting some, but have been calling each other frequently - to the point that she uses more minutes with him than with me. She speaks with him at times that I have asked her to call me, and there are calls to him at times she has lied about being engaged in other activities. I confronted her again, reminding her of the summer "issue" and the trust I placed in her when she promised to back off then. I also explained the concept of an emotional affair and that I am devastated and insulted. She still insists these contacts are just about friendship, and that they are just talking. I asked if they talk about things she wouldn't want me to know about and why she lies to me about the calls. She then explains I'm not availble, etc. etc. We're pursuing counseling, but to this minute she acts is if nothing is wrong. I asked if she has thought about it, and she said she called him to say they have to back off. Phone records indicate a four minute call to him, and a one minute call back from him an hour later (why was that needed?).

I can't imagine ever trusting her again. For example, volunteer in different areas at our church. Today, a friend said she must be looking for me because I just missed her. I called her from that room to see what she needed, and she said she wasn't looking for me and needed nothing. Later today, she recalled a friendly conversation with the other man - who was in the room when I was not. It was obvious she was seeking him out while we were volunteering separately.

I have decided to avoid situations where the other man is present (we are in the same couples-based bible study and share many common friendships). I can't imagine how I'll react to him right now. The emotional attachment may have been my wife's, but he should have deflected it (I'm taking a very high road here). How can my family stay in this church? How will we keep my friends?

Does this situation sound like a naive friendship on her part, or an emotional affair (or worse)?

Any similar experiences that can provide some helpful insights? I'm reeling from the possible realizations, and hoping that I'm just plain wrong. But . . . I'm not stupid, either.
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Old 6th May 2012, 9:46 PM   #2
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From your story it definitely sounds like an emotional affair.

If I were you I would make a copy of your phone records and give them to the other man's wife.
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Old 6th May 2012, 9:55 PM   #3
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Emotional affair at the very least. Actually it makes little difference. An emotional affair is just that - an affair - and is in many ways worse than a one night stand. If she is hiding conversations and lying about it then she is cheating plain and simple. My own experiene with this was that unless both you and she confess all it will eat at you and destroy your relationship. Tell her exactly how you feel about it and tell her she must confess all or you will wonder forever and it likely destroy your relationship. For me personally, the unknown was worse than if she had just confessed an affair. She will deny anything happened of course. They are 'just friends'. Most adult friends don't text each other 600 times. Lovers do. Cheaters do.
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Old 6th May 2012, 10:44 PM   #4
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BeyondShocked, I do believe your wife is having an A. Have you asked your W what they talk about?
A close divorced male friend of my H and I, texts me and calls me frequently to discuss relationship issues he has with his girlfriend. My H knows about our communication and we talk about our friends issues. However, when I was having an A, my H didn't know anything about my communication with the OM.
If it is only a close friendship with the man from your church then I would think your W would discuss their conversations with you.
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Old 7th May 2012, 3:04 AM   #5
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Hey Beyond---You have to put your foot down, draw your line in the sand, she MUST GO NC---if that means finding another church so be it., actually that does mean finding another church, for at this point it is your church, vs. your mge---and do not let some pastor, or church elders come in and try to manipulate you---they DO NOT live in your shoes, and would NOT have to deal with a D., if it were to come to that---they are never gonna put bread on your table, and take care of you, so they get no input!!!!!!

In all honesty, they may have gone physical, and you won't even know, she is way to intimate with him---you don't have 600 texts to your best friend in a WHOLE YEAR!!!!!

You have to set down some harsh boundaries, and there must be ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES----not WORDS

She still seeks him out, he is still on her mind---that MUST come to an end YESTERDAY

You seem embarresed about putting your foot down, are you afraid of your wife, what is the worst thing she can do---she is the cheater, not you----she has given her heart to another man, and believe me if she is talking to this guy that much, and talking to him in defiance of you---she is deep into him

You need to yank her out of this----even go so far as no social media, no cell phone usage, and whatever else it takes to get your point across, at this time---if she doesn't like it---to bad, tell her she complies, if she wants back in the family, or she can prepare to defend a D. action----this unfortunately is the only type of thing that makes any type of an impression on a cheater---and believe me---YOUR WIFE IS A CHEATER!!!!!

You have to put a stop to this----your having to leave the church, may hurt your kid, your wife may balk, but right now, you are in a fight for your mge. There is an extremely thin line tween friendship and love, and you are allowing her to have an illicit friendship, that is way beyond the bounds of decorum for a married woman.
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Old 7th May 2012, 6:27 AM   #6
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Yes, this is at least an EA.

Being a Christian myself, it is not appropriate for a man and woman to have such a close friendship with each other. Would she want you in this type of relationship with another woman?

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
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Old 7th May 2012, 7:19 AM   #7
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Yes she is - sorry.
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Old 7th May 2012, 8:11 AM   #8
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I think the evidence is pretty clear, plus she has been deceiving you about her contact with him. I would demand that she break of all contact with him, talk to his wife if he is married, and talk to your pastor. Your house needs tending, now man up and do it.
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Old 8th May 2012, 1:17 PM   #9
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Yes she is. There is no reason that a married woman should ever be investing that much time into another man even if they are just friends.
I actually work with information from cell phones, in different situations, but still using it as indicators. In my training 100% of the time the number that the phone calls and or texts the most on a monthly basis is that persons top associate. If you looked at my phone it would be my husband, followed by my mother followed my kids and or best friends. I don't know where you have your cell phone sevice but some places will allow you to set up a duplicate text situation where you can have a copy of all texts sent or recieved on her phone sent to you as well. Some people do this with teens to monitor texts. You may or may not need her permission, I don't really believe that she will allow you to do this but I would be curious to know her response. If they are just friends and she is doing nothing wrong she should have no problem with you having access to their conversations. Your wife should handle all conversations and relationships as if you were always present right by her side. If she can not share these texts or conversations, 600! by the way wow, then she should not be having these conversations. If my husband was texting with a woman even half as much as he does with me, I would be having an in person chat with her. I really feel like you need to have your own conversation with her male friend, he is intruding on your family and obviously has no respect for boundries.
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Old 8th May 2012, 2:24 PM   #10
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She's having an emotional affair, possibly a physical one as well, but you only have evidence of the emotional affair. If you intend to stay in the marriage, you have to insist that she no longer contact the man, and no longer accept calls or contact from him. She is to avoid him at church functions, and I would suggest you switch Bible study groups if he is in yours. And go to marriage counseling. The fact that she continues to deny the reality and continues to lie to you and go against your boundaries does not bode well for getting your marriage back on track. You need to set firm boundaries with her, and not accept this. Tell her contact has to stop, or you are leaving the marriage. She needs a little dose of reality about the consequences of her behavior in order to take them seriously.
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