My story (kind of long)

[96nole]

I found this website and it helps that there are others going through the same hell. My W cheated on me last May. We had been together for 14 years at that point and married for 10.5 years. We never had a fight until one night. She came home and we had an all night fight about everything. And she really lit me up because we don’t have kids. We haven’t used birth control for 7 years. She got checked out but I didn’t. But she also has heart issues. Her cardiologist even told her she would be a high risk pregnancy. She has been in the hospital 4 times for her heart going into A-FIB. Back in 2008 she finally had an ablation on her heart to control the A-FIB. She will pass out almost every time she would have blood drawn. And sometimes that would cause her heart to go into A-FIB. Just 6 months ago while having blood drawn she passed out and her heart went into A-FIB. A cold glass of water snapped her heart back into rhythm. I’ve brought up adoption a few times in the last few years but she doesn’t want to adopt. She wants to have her own baby.

 

Anyway, the next morning after the all night fight I asked if we were going to be OK. She said yes. I told her that the way she is acting that is seemed like there was someone else. She didn’t say anything and after repeated questions she confirmed that she was “talking” to someone. After more questions she confirmed that they had been kissing. I stormed out of the house. The next day we talked and she said she wanted to save the marriage. I told her there could be NC with him again. She agreed. She works at a bank and he was a customer. He is a 40 year old that is into drag racing, owns some sort of racing business, can’t support himself and still lives at home with his mother. His mother is the president of his company and he is the vice-president. My W was going to start a racing business with him. I put a stop to that. She even bought a few web domain names for it. But she didn’t go NC with him and a few days later I found her at his place. I sent her to her parents house and she was very regretful for what she did and tried everything she could to save us. After a few weeks I let her come back. We went to counseling and I thought things were going fine. She agreed to be completely transparent and let me check her email and texts.

 

I thought I was going to lose my job last summer so I didn’t make her quit the bank. Luckily I did not lose my job. Now I wish I did make her quit the bank. She hated working at the bank and she wanted to be an elementary school teacher, for half the salary, and I was supportive of it. She needed to go to school for it and pass certain certifications. She was taking night classes. I was even tutoring her on the math and logic sections for the certifications she was studying for because those were her weak areas.

 

This Christmas she thanked me for stopping her and taking her back. She said it would have been the biggest mistake of her life. That she would have lost everything.

 

This Feb, a few days after the superbowl, I felt something wasn’t right so I checked her email, something I hadn’t done in a few months, and she was emailing him again and she sent a picture of her lap to him. He replied that it made him excited and that last night was amazing. She was supposed to be at class that night. She didn’t go. She went to the beach with him. She said they only kissed. I again threw her out of the house. I saw a lawyer the next day.

 

Since then she has shown no remorse. She has mainly been living at the OM’s mothers house. She didn’t think she was breaking the sanctity of marriage by making out with him at the beach. She said that it wasn’t like it was intercourse. Of course there has been intercourse since then. She is also blaming me for it. I didn’t make her “feel special every day, or treat her like a queen every day, or try to hold her every day”. “There’s no spark”. “There’s no connection”. “We don’t have conversations like we used to when we started dating”. Which was of course 15 years ago. Who still has conversations like that? She said she was crying but not in front of me. And that if we had a connection that I would have known she was upset. I told her that if she was that upset, then that would have been a conversation she should have started. She asked why she should be the one to start the conversation. I said it was because she is the one feeling upset. She complained we only have sex 3-4 times a month. But there are a lot of nights she’s falling asleep by 8pm. I’m not going to try an push myself on a sleeping person. I told her that, but she threw it back in my face that I should have said something.

 

One night we went out and I said I don’t want to go where there is “boom boom music”. We went to a piano bar and I thought we had a great time. After I threw her out of the house she threw that night in my face saying that I didn’t want to go where there was loud music but “I should just be happy to be with her no matter where we are.” Even though she’s known for 15 years I don’t like that kind of music.

 

We were supposed to go on a cruise with her parents the first week of March this year. We paid for the cruise back in December. She took the OM instead and her parents were OK with it. Her parents used to think of me as much of a son as their own son. I never felt so disrespected in my life.

 

Now my W has nothing but disdain for me. And she thinks the sun shines out the ass of the OM. We are white. The OM is Puerto Rican. I work with a spanish girl who started laughing her ass off when I told her. She said my W has no idea what she has gotten herself into with being with a Puerto Rican guy. I don’t know what that means but I’ll take her word for it. The OM has mouthed off to my sister in law on Facebook, as made nasty comments about me on his Facebook. The only reason I haven’t pounded his head in is that I don’t want to go to jail. But he is saying all the pretty words to her. Telling her how amazing she is. How pretty she is. Anything she complains about, he just twists it so I sound like the bad guy. And she fell for it all. The OM was divorced a few years ago. Apparently his ex wife left him because she resents him. That’s what I heard from my W last year.

 

I have supported her in everything she wanted to do. We have traveled all over the country. I called 911 I don’t know how many times for her. I’ve spent weeks in the hospital with her. I’ve been to the ER I don’t know how many times with her. I even went into the bathroom with her several times so she could hold onto me while she took a **** because she was scared she might pass out. I supported her when she wanted to be a Mary Kay consultant. I supported her when she wanted to work for Weight Watchers. I helped her get out of debt when we were about to get married. I took her back after the first time she cheated. I helped her with school. We split the house work. I made most of the dinners since she would get home from work after me. I make a good salary. I work every day, but the OM doesn’t so he could go to her work and talk to her whenever he wanted. We have a nice house with a screenroom and a pool. She has a friend that would tell my W that she has no idea how lucky she is to have me. Her friend is divorced from an abusive husband, has 3 kids and can’t support herself and has to live with her parents. And it’s like none of that matters. It’s like I don’t get credit for any of that.

 

I love her dearly but the betrayal has been devastating. I’ve lost 25 pounds in the last 2.5 months. She has no idea the hell this has put me through. It really sucks because we have so much in common. She is physically exactly what I like. I’ve cried almost every day since. We have mediation next week. The divorce will be over soon. I still wish there was a way to fix it. I wish I could find a time machine and go back to make her quit the job. But I guess once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry for the long post. Any comments or encouragement would be great.

[manup]

Divorce and cut her out of your life entirely.

Work on improving yourself.

Now you can start a family.

[Furious]

She's the OM's problem now, let him hold her when she's on the toilet.

 

Don't fight for her, whatever they got going won't last.

 

Someday day you will thank your lucky stars, this creep did you a favor.

[Wanderer25]

You are better off without. She is not the person that you imagined her to be. Let the OM pick her ***** up.

[findingnemo]

Your W is selfish and whole lot of things. But the bottom line is she's made a choice. Let her go. You've done enough in the past to show you love her. You don't need to do more. You can't force a person to appreciate obvious things, so don't try.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. But time has come to move on. Do that...NOW.

[SandieBeach]

96nole, I am sorry you are going through with this. It sounds so awful, and I know so many people on this site feel your pain.

 

It sounds like you are already proceeding with a divorce, which sounds like a smart thing to do. Your wife sounds like someone who has become so dissatisfied with her life, but instead of making the changes to be happier in her life with you, she gave up on your marriage. It also sounds like she is blaming you for no children, and that can create a serious problems.

 

I don't think I can tell you anything that will make you feel better. Maybe you should try and find someone to talk to, like a therapist, and thy to sort out your feelings about all of this. It's not helpful to think how much you've done for her and beat yourself over it. There is nothing you can change in the past, but everything you can change today and for your future.

 

I am willing to bet that your wife will stay with this guy for a while, but now that it's not "forbidden" anymore, she will get to know the real him. And he will stop doting on her and making her feel like a "queen." She will realize what she had with you and will want it back, but I hope that you will have moved on by that point.

 

Best of luck to you.

[SomedayDig]

I for one am really sorry to read your story 96. It really f'ng sucks, man. I wish you all the best.

[96nole]

I've gone back to the counselor we went to last year. I gave him the update on everything that's happened since last year. He said she is out of touch with reality. He said she is in a fantasy affair and that her actions make her a textbook case of someone who is rebelling against their life.

 

The idea of starting over at 40 really sucks. But I guess I have no choice. She's not the person she used to be. Don't know what happened but damn, she's gone off the deep end. Everyone that knows her doesn't get it.

[Furious]

You are young, and will find someone who appreciates you.

Because there are no children you can make a clean break.

[SomedayDig]

You're right 96...the idea of starting over at 40 does suck. Maybe if you look at it from a point of empowerment ~ that YOU get to start over and that YOU are the one in control it might ease the pain even the slightest.

My story is a little different...I'm 44, but I'm trying to reconcile with my wife. I'm looking at starting a new career and I can honestly tell you that I am excited about the future.

[SandieBeach]

I've gone back to the counselor we went to last year. I gave him the update on everything that's happened since last year. He said she is out of touch with reality. He said she is in a fantasy affair and that her actions make her a textbook case of someone who is rebelling against their life.

 

The idea of starting over at 40 really sucks. But I guess I have no choice. She's not the person she used to be. Don't know what happened but damn, she's gone off the deep end. Everyone that knows her doesn't get it.

 

What are you talking about?? 40 is the new 30!

[Ninja'sHusband]

OMG...what a horrible story I'm so sorry man. There are lots of guys who have dealt with unremorseful WWs.. This is one of the nastier stories I've read though. I don't think I have much advice, just sympathy. No, I guess my advice is to grieve and get on with your life =\ I'm so sorry. No kids? Be thankful you don't have that mess to deal with.

[frozensprouts]

OP...

welcome to the "Betrayed Spouses" club...it's one no one wants to be in, but here you will find people who understand what you are going through and can relate. You can say whatever you need to here...people here will understand.

i read your post, and I have to say that your wife's actions make me really angry...I can understand how you feel, and I can really relate to the part where you talk about how you were always there for her...I felt that way too about my husband when he cheated on me. it was like I was there and good enough when things were bad, but once they were "better", I was no longer good enough? ( mind you, it was a very different situation).

 

It sounds like you are heading towards divorce, and it sounds like it may be the right choice for you given what you have described. i would imagine that it wasn't an easy decision to make...but you did what you felt was right for you, and , in the long run, you'll be better off.

 

try not to worry too much about "starting over at 40"...you've got your whole life ahead of you to get out there and live your life on your own terms, and maybe you'll meet someone really special who will make you very happy. But if I were you, i wouldn't rush into it...give yourself a chance to "find yourself' again...give yourself a chnace to mourn the end of your marriage- even if it ended because she cheated, it's okay to be sad that it didn't work out the way you'd hoped it would...most of all, don't let this sour you on relationships - there are lots of women out there who will treat you well and be faithful

 

best of luck to you...like the old saying goes ' today is the first day of the rest of your life"...live it well!

[96nole]

My mother was on his facebook page the other day. I can't see it and don't want to. W and OM must have been at a restaurant and somebody blew their nose. The OM complained about how gross it was. I'm guessing the W isn't farting in front of him yet. She used to fart so loud in the living room I'd ask her if she hurt herself. She started farting in front of me within a few weeks of dating. I'd be surprised if after 2.5 months with the OM that she's not ripping them out.

[frozensprouts]

My mother was on his facebook page the other day. I can't see it and don't want to. W and OM must have been at a restaurant and somebody blew their nose. The OM complained about how gross it was. I'm guessing the W isn't farting in front of him yet. She used to fart so loud in the living room I'd ask her if she hurt herself. She started farting in front of me within a few weeks of dating. I'd be surprised if after 2.5 months with the OM that she's not ripping them out.

 

 

well, thus we see the "down and dirty" part of real relationships...the clock strikes 12 - cinderella is back to being a scullery maid and the prince(ess) has turned back into a frog...

 

reality is usually not rainbows and sunshine...

[Furious]

My mother was on his facebook page the other day. I can't see it and don't want to. W and OM must have been at a restaurant and somebody blew their nose. The OM complained about how gross it was. I'm guessing the W isn't farting in front of him yet. She used to fart so loud in the living room I'd ask her if she hurt herself. She started farting in front of me within a few weeks of dating. I'd be surprised if after 2.5 months with the OM that she's not ripping them out.

 

 

LOL....just picture it...

[Woggle]

Be glad at least you don't have any kids with her and be glad to have this albatross out of your life. Also if OM ever dumps her and she comes running tell her where she can stick it.

[Steen719]

Hi 96,

So sorry you are going through this. I have endured some of what you have with an XH I cared for through an illness and liver transplant and then he found an old girlfriend (and he had cheated on me before). I felt incredibly betrayed the first time, but truthfully, the 2nd time was worse for a variety of reasons, but one big reason was what you described; that you supported her in whatever she wanted to do and you have been taking care of her medical/physical needs. I understand how that feels and I believe it is one reason that I have had such a difficult time moving on. I keep asking myself how someone I loved, supported and took care of (literally) could do this.

 

Here is the thing. You did what you could to make it work. She is not interested in that anymore and as someone else said, if she wakes up and sees what she has lost, hopefully it will be at a time when you have healed and moved on.

 

If she had quit her job, she would have still been in touch with him or with another man, because it was about HER, not you. She is unhappy with herself and she can run to someone else, but she can't hide. It will find her again.

 

It is so easy to say move on and so hard for the one who has to do it. You do have a lot going for you. You are young (compared to me), you have a good job, you have no kids (but certainly could with another wife), and you are obviously kind and caring. You are grieving the loss of her, but she is not the same woman. It is hard to reconcile that with what you remembered and what you wanted for your future, but as it is with all of us, we don't have that past anymore and our future will not be with her, so concentrate (me, too) on your present and get through the day and then one day, the future will look better. EVERYONE tells me that I will be grateful I am no longer with someone who could do this to me and I guess they are right and you will be happier too. You will find someone, as Frozensprouts says, you will find someone who will be honest and faithful.

 

Go see your therapist, go to a divorce recovery group (I know a lot of Methodist churches have them and they are not really religion based), talk to your family and friends and get support that way and maybe find some things to do that are fun and go do them, even if you think you might not have a good time.

 

Oh, and although I have heard from my XH's family since the divorce, it has been quite a while now and they don't even bother to check on my son, who is 21 and in college, to see how he is after all of this mess and he is their blood. XH has a girlfriend (not the AP) that he started seeing either before our divorce or right after and she is going to family things, I'm sure. I am not even a thought. It hurts, I know. You will get stronger. really, you will. I am not healed by a long shot, but I am better than I was and you will be, too. It takes time (I hate that comment, but it is true). Hang in there and post. It helps to vent and it is cathartic.

[Steen719]

My mother was on his facebook page the other day. I can't see it and don't want to. W and OM must have been at a restaurant and somebody blew their nose. The OM complained about how gross it was. I'm guessing the W isn't farting in front of him yet. She used to fart so loud in the living room I'd ask her if she hurt herself. She started farting in front of me within a few weeks of dating. I'd be surprised if after 2.5 months with the OM that she's not ripping them out.

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha TOO FUNNY!!!:lmao::lmao:

[96nole]

Hi 96,

So sorry you are going through this. I have endured some of what you have with an XH I cared for through an illness and liver transplant and then he found an old girlfriend (and he had cheated on me before). I felt incredibly betrayed the first time, but truthfully, the 2nd time was worse for a variety of reasons, but one big reason was what you described; that you supported her in whatever she wanted to do and you have been taking care of her medical/physical needs. I understand how that feels and I believe it is one reason that I have had such a difficult time moving on. I keep asking myself how someone I loved, supported and took care of (literally) could do this.

 

Here is the thing. You did what you could to make it work. She is not interested in that anymore and as someone else said, if she wakes up and sees what she has lost, hopefully it will be at a time when you have healed and moved on.

 

If she had quit her job, she would have still been in touch with him or with another man, because it was about HER, not you. She is unhappy with herself and she can run to someone else, but she can't hide. It will find her again.

 

It is so easy to say move on and so hard for the one who has to do it. You do have a lot going for you. You are young (compared to me), you have a good job, you have no kids (but certainly could with another wife), and you are obviously kind and caring. You are grieving the loss of her, but she is not the same woman. It is hard to reconcile that with what you remembered and what you wanted for your future, but as it is with all of us, we don't have that past anymore and our future will not be with her, so concentrate (me, too) on your present and get through the day and then one day, the future will look better. EVERYONE tells me that I will be grateful I am no longer with someone who could do this to me and I guess they are right and you will be happier too. You will find someone, as Frozensprouts says, you will find someone who will be honest and faithful.

 

Go see your therapist, go to a divorce recovery group (I know a lot of Methodist churches have them and they are not really religion based), talk to your family and friends and get support that way and maybe find some things to do that are fun and go do them, even if you think you might not have a good time.

 

Oh, and although I have heard from my XH's family since the divorce, it has been quite a while now and they don't even bother to check on my son, who is 21 and in college, to see how he is after all of this mess and he is their blood. XH has a girlfriend (not the AP) that he started seeing either before our divorce or right after and she is going to family things, I'm sure. I am not even a thought. It hurts, I know. You will get stronger. really, you will. I am not healed by a long shot, but I am better than I was and you will be, too. It takes time (I hate that comment, but it is true). Hang in there and post. It helps to vent and it is cathartic.

Thanks for the kind words Steen719. The fact that I was there with her and supported her for all her health issues is what has me the most perplexed and hurt. A week after I found out the second time, I went to her parents house to talk to her in front of them. I asked if she loved me. She said that she cared about me. I said then you don't love me. She said that she just cares about me. Her father then spoke up to her and said, "this man loves you, I saw it in his eye every time at the hospital, you can't tell me you don't love him". (of course this was before the cruise)

 

I guess I'll never understand how someone can be so selfish and callous. It's just not my nature. I was always talking in terms of us and we. She would sometimes still talk in terms of I and me. Now I have to retrain my thought pattern to me and I since there isn't a we anymore. After 15 years of thinking us and we, that will take some time getting used to.

[96nole]

Cheating while farting should be a federal offense.

 

Send her two corks, one each for the front and back holes.

Only the cork in the back hole will end up being a deadly projectile. Then again, that may not be a bad idea.

[Steen719]

One of my favorite quotes by a good writer:

 

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?

-- Leo Buscaglia

 

Easy to say, hard to do, but worth the effort, I would say....I'm trying to live it. I am not very religious, but I am spiritual and I pray for this. You will be fine; you still have your sense of humor! farts...oh my!

[96nole]

Definitely hard to do. On my way home from work they passed by me in his truck. I played it cool like I didn't notice them. I then put my cell phone to my ear to act like I was having a fun conversation. Of course there was nobody on the phone. Anyway, it really sucked seeing them together. It just makes me wish i didn't call 911 one of those times.

[Furious]

Hang in there...it's tough....one day at a time.

[2.50 a gallon]

RUN - GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE AND KEEP RUNNING

 

I know and understand that you love her and feel this great attraction for her, but she will never be able to love you the way a man needs his wife to love him.

 

She is a loser / taker, and will be back. You need to get as far away as possible and never look back.

 

Many a man would have dumped her just for her health problems, and yet you stood by her, and she turns her back one you and gives her attention to a loser.

 

A 40 year old drag racer living with and off his mommy? A loser on so many different levels.

 

As a former, dirt tracker and later sports and formula car driver, I have little respect for a drag racers. Been there and done that and the trophys were worthless, the race has barely started and it is already over.

 

Your wife will always be in last place. For a driver, the car comes first. There is no second place. It was all about me and my car. All of my time and money went into the car so I could have my weekend fix.

 

You want to talke about addictions. Racing is like the worst kind of drugs. You spend thousand of dollars for a short weekend high, then work your butt off for the next week or two to afford the next high.

 

I love sex, and was a player, but sex can't even come close to the high I had when I was behind the wheel in competion.

 

Eventually she will figure this out and probably want to come back, so get as far away as possible, while the getting is good

 

You are a winner and deserve to share you life with another winner.