Regaining my wife's trust after getting involved with a 18 year old girl

[turbz]

Hey,

I felt like I needed to vent and share my thoughts and I would love to hear your thoughts about the situation. I make no excuses for what happened and I'm very ashamed and very sorry for what I did and how much I hurt my wife. I really never wanted anything like this to happen but just fell into it and now I'm left picking up the pieces and trying to repair our marriage.

 

A bit about our situation

My wife and I met in high school and started going out when we were both 17. She was my first serious girlfriend and after about 8 months I moved in with her and we both were spending most of our free time with each other. We were in love and it felt awesome. Not long after we got engaged and then married a year after that. We have now been married for over 5 years (together for nearly 8). At 21 we bought a block of land together and then a bit over a year later signed a contract to build a house. Around that time, my wife really wanted to have a child but I didn't feel ready (but when do you ever feel 100% ready to have a kid?) and we were having sex still frequently at that stage but with no contraception apart from the trusty pull out method which surprisingly did work for about 3 years. My wife then started to ask me to cum in her because she felt like it felt "too porno" if I'd pull out. I was surprised and I felt at the time forced to do it as it was the only way I could have sex with her. We did that for about 2 weeks and then she got pregnant.

 

I resented her at the time and felt tricked into it but soon warmed more to the idea since I figured that you would never feel completely ready to have a kid and I did want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. Things were good until our daughter was about 3 months old and then my wife had to go back to work but only 3 days a week. That meant I was working Monday to Friday and was gone for most of the day due to having a 1 hour 15 minute commute each way and then on Saturday and Sunday while I was home my wife was at work so we never really got any days off together. I felt like we very slowly (not immediately) started to grow apart at that stage. Sex became less and less frequent and slowly we started talking less and less. Never the less, we kept plodding along as financially it was the only way we could keep the house.

 

The work place was interesting. A relatively new start up company up the with about 150 employees, most of whom were young and around my age (22 at the time). There were a lot of girls and soon after I started, one became very attracted to me (even though she knew I was married and had a kid) and said if I ever want to fool around, she's there for me. I never considered it for a second and quickly distanced myself from the crazy harlot (haha). I loved my wife and wanted to be with my wife.

 

Fast forward to September 2011 (24 now) and I get asked if I would like a Team Manager position (I didn't apply) in a brand new division of the Sales department. I reluctantly agreed, I was afraid of working more and being away from my wife and daughter more and also making less money as I was the top performing advisor in the Customer Retention department but I thought I'd give it a shot. I recruited my own team of 10 sales people and so did another new Sales Team Manager. So it begins...

 

My wife came in with my daughter one day to visit and once they had left, this 18 year old girl in another of the competing teams came over and asked if that was my wife and my daughter and I told her yes it was. She then told me how cute my daughter was and we just made small talk for awhile. That was the first time I had ever spoken to her.

 

Over the next two months, we became friends. She had similar interests and we got on really well. By early December, she started flirting with me. I was very surprised and eventually started flirting back but I wasn't looking for anything and thought it was just harmless flirting as she knew I was married etc. It made me feel good about myself, I was 24 and this 18 year old was flirting with me. My own stupid ego got in the way of common sense.

 

By mid to late December, she had a few weeks of annual leave to go back to New Zealand to see her friends and family (who would have thought I'd be attracted to a Kiwi haha) and after work finished one day I quickly checked my facebook and she came on and started talking to me and asked if I missed her (which I thought was weird but I told her I did) and then I told her I stole her reindeers (we had xmas decorations in the office, she used to steal my coffee cups from my desk so I took her reindeers) and she said something along the lines of it doesn't matter, I have your heart. I was shocked as I thought while we were walking the line of appropriate and inappropriate that she only considered me a friend and so did I. I now realise I should have stopped at that point and realised that I couldn't be friends with this girl but I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. What made it worse was that my wife was at home that day and her mum was using my laptop and I had left facebook open and they were both watching the chat in real time. My wife confronted me about it and was surprisingly great about it and said that we could still be friends.

 

When she came back, the flirting began again (she initiated it but I would always reciprocate) and I started to really feel attracted to her. A couple of weeks later, I was at a real low point. I felt so guilty and ashamed and couldn't believe how I felt and that how could I deserve to be with my wife when I was attracted to another girl. I ended up telling her that I didn't think I was in love with her and somewhat blamed her for us growing apart. I then moved out. This really crushed my wife and made me feel terrible that I hurt her so badly. I also had a hard time, I lost weight and I went from 90kg to 82kg in the space of 2 weeks as I could barely eat anything.

 

A day after I moved out, the girl asked me at work why I looked so sad. I told her I had moved out and was staying with my dad. She seemed surprise but did not offer any real comment about it. At the end of that week (a few days after I moved out), one of our mutual friends was having drinks at her place after work. When I finished work, I received a text from my wife saying she didn't think she could do it anymore and she was sorry. I understood this to mean she was breaking up with me for good. I was crushed. I still went over to my friend's place for a few drinks so I could take my mind off everything. I got drunk very quickly and awhile after I got there, the 18 year old turned up too. I had gotten a waterproof case for my iphone and when I was drunk I kept wanting to throw it in the pool so our friend grabbed it off me (and then I think passed it on to the 18 year old) so I couldn't put it in the pool as she didn't think it would be waterproof. I then think the 18 year looked through my phone and saw the texts from my wife and I.

 

Later that night when I was veeeeeeeeeerry drunk, she followed me into the house from outside and I barely remember what happened but I think we were just talking and when I blinked she quickly jumped in and started kissing me. I can't remember how long it went for but I think it was very quick and then I pulled away because I heard someone walk into the house from outside. I don't really know why I kissed back, I was upset and drunk and I guess I seeked comfort and it felt right at the time. Very soon after I felt terrible and regretted it so much as I wanted to be with my wife and wanted to fight for it. Nothing else happened that night.

 

After the weekend, the girl and I didn't really talk at work as our coworkers were getting a bit suss as some of them at witnessed the previous flirting and we didn't want to rile up everyone to partake in office gossip. I ended up asking if I could talk to her one day after work. She asked me to come to her place but we'd have to be quick as her roomie would be home shortly after and she had a friend coming over. I told her I didn't like that she kissed me and wish it didn't happen as I just wanted to be friends and I was worried it would make things weird. She agreed it was a mistake and confirmed she just wanted to be friends. I then left.

 

About a week later, I moved back in with my wife and we started trying to work things out but I didn't tell her what had happened. The girl did not know I moved back in as I stopped talking to her for awhile. We decided to see a marriage councillor to work out our issues but in the councilling session, I didn't mention what had happened. I had then decided to throw in the towel in Team Management as I hated the extra hours and was making about half what I was making in Customer Retention so my team decided to have drinks as a farewell. So after marriage councilling, I ask my wife I can go and she agrees but tells me to be home after a couple hours. Unknown to me, the girl ends up turning up there as well even though she was not a part of my team. I end up doing shots and accidently getting maggoted so I was way over the limit and I couldn't drive home. The girl ends up going out not long after she got there but talks to me when I'm sitting on the kitchen floor but I couldn't understand her as I was that drunk and she leaves. My wife then calls me and is so upset and disappointed and tells me that it's over for good and we're getting a divorce.

 

At about 3-4am in the morning, I was woken up by one of my friend's as my wife sent her a message on facebook asking if I was still there (obviously she was worried I may have tried to drive home and crashed) and she had also sent the same message to the girl. The girl then comes over to me (I was passed out on the couch) and tells me the same thing then walks away. I then stumbled (was still a bit drunk but was a lot more sober) to the toilet and then as I was leaving the toilet and walking back to the couch the girl starts talking to me while she was laying on a matress in a spare room. She ends up asking me if I want to come in and spend the night with her. I'm not sure exactly what she was getting at but I said no, I don't want to and walked away.

 

I left early in the morning and arrived home to see my wife looking up on the net how to get a divorce. I then get a text saying you've made everything clear now from the girl presumably about me rejecting her that night. I did call her later that day as I didn't understand what exactly she meant but she didn't really want to talk about it.

 

My wife decides not to divorce me and the girl and I don't talk for a couple weeks and then I get a text out of the blue from her one weekend saying that she was going past my suburb on the highway and she didn't realise how close she was to me. I just ask her what she's up to and she's going to Movie World. She then messages me later asking what size clothes my daughter wears, I reply and ask why and she tells me she found a really cute dress for her. I was very surprised but thanked her. She then gave me the dress at work on Monday and we just said a few words to each other and that was it. Later that night, I put some pics of my daughter in the dress on facebook for her to see and immediately she logs on and starts talking to me. The thing is my wife was lying on the bed right next to me and see's the girl say I didn't know you were back at home with your wife and then saying never mind, it's none of my business anyway. My wife had thought something wasn't right all along and then asked me what was going on. I told her the truth that I was attracted to the girl but I wanted to be with her. She then asked if we had kissed or had sex etc and I lied and said no (we only had ever kissed that once). I didn't want to tell my wife as I didn't want to hurt her.

 

My wife didn't believe me and ended up talking to the girl on facebook but she didn't reply. My wife then logged into my account pretending to be me and told the girl that I had told her everything about us and I wanted her to talk to my wife to explain. The girl agreed and started talking to my wife. She then told my wife everything. My wife then asked me again if we had kissed and I lied. She then asked me again and I lied again. She then said then why is she saying you did kiss.

 

I ended up taking the next few days off work to be with my wife so we could work it out and we hit a low point when my wife told me that I must have loved her as I was willing to risk our family for the girl. It had felt like an interrogation for the past few days and I was having a very hard time and I broke and agreed and said maybe I did. My wife then threw all my clothes out on the front lawn and kicked me out. She then called my dad and told him I had an affair and I was coming to stay at his place and then she gave the phone to me and I told him it wasn't an affair. As I was about to leave my wife called out to me and then punched me full force point blank in the nose. I've been punched in the head by guys before but this nearly knocked me out and I thought she had broken my nose due to all the blood pissing out. My wife then ran inside and locked herself in our room.

 

I'm normally a very calm guy but I became enraged and wanted to strangle her. That thought passed after 5 seconds but I wanted to show my wife what she did to me. She wouldn't open the door so I tried to kick it down but couldn't (she had her body against it but I didn't know that) so then I resorted to punching my way through it and got through it. My wife then saw what she had done to me and by this time I was so upset not because of the physical pain but the emotional pain that I had hurt my wife so bad that she felt the need to assault me. My wife freaked out and looked after me and was apologising profusely and beginning me not to leave her. After going for a walk, I came back and told her I wanted to be with her.

 

Fast forward 2-3 weeks...(no contact with the girl)

I had stopped all contact with the girl but then I received a sms the other night saying forget about me. I didn't understand this and I showed my wife immediately as I didn't want to hide anything from her.

 

Now I feel like the girl may try to break us up. It gets worse, my wife got a job working at the same office. I'm happy my wife will be working with me but I'm worried the girl will try to break us up and cause problems. My wife thinks that she's still hung up on me. I thought after all this happened that I was just a game to this girl but I think the girl does feel something for me.

 

I still can't believe I did all of this. I wish I could turn back time so I never started talking to the kill. I'm scared of lost my wife forever. I'm back with her but she doesn't know if she wants to stay with me so we're just taking it one day at a time. She doesn't trust me at all and I don't blame her one bit.

 

So now I'm trying to regain her trust. I am 100% honest with her. For the past few weeks, most of what we talk about is the same thing over and over - what happened with the girl. I'm happy to do it as it's what my wife wants to do and I think she needs to do it so she can heal. I don't like talking about it though because I hate thinking about it and want to forget it ever happened.

 

I feel lost. I watched a movie called Fireproof which really helped me improve myself and my thoughts about how a marriage should work but I can't help but think it's too late. I'm not going to give up though. It's so strange, my wife has been wanting to have sex with me (and we have) pretty much every day. My wife did say after the first time we had sex that I shouldn't think that it improved my chances of us staying together so I felt used. We had basically stopped having sex before I met the girl. My wife still doesn't really kiss me as she is disgusted as the girl has been in my mouth and touched my lips.

 

Any thoughts?

[Kidd]

Hey,

I felt like I needed to vent and share my thoughts and I would love to hear your thoughts about the situation. I make no excuses for what happened and I'm very ashamed and very sorry for what I did and how much I hurt my wife. I really never wanted anything like this to happen but just fell into it and now I'm left picking up the pieces and trying to repair our marriage.

 

A bit about our situation

My wife and I met in high school and started going out when we were both 17. She was my first serious girlfriend and after about 8 months I moved in with her and we both were spending most of our free time with each other. We were in love and it felt awesome. Not long after we got engaged and then married a year after that. We have now been married for over 5 years (together for nearly 8). At 21 we bought a block of land together and then a bit over a year later signed a contract to build a house. Around that time, my wife really wanted to have a child but I didn't feel ready (but when do you ever feel 100% ready to have a kid?) and we were having sex still frequently at that stage but with no contraception apart from the trusty pull out method which surprisingly did work for about 3 years. My wife then started to ask me to cum in her because she felt like it felt "too porno" if I'd pull out. I was surprised and I felt at the time forced to do it as it was the only way I could have sex with her. We did that for about 2 weeks and then she got pregnant.

 

I resented her at the time and felt tricked into it but soon warmed more to the idea since I figured that you would never feel completely ready to have a kid and I did want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. Things were good until our daughter was about 3 months old and then my wife had to go back to work but only 3 days a week. That meant I was working Monday to Friday and was gone for most of the day due to having a 1 hour 15 minute commute each way and then on Saturday and Sunday while I was home my wife was at work so we never really got any days off together. I felt like we very slowly (not immediately) started to grow apart at that stage. Sex became less and less frequent and slowly we started talking less and less. Never the less, we kept plodding along as financially it was the only way we could keep the house.

 

The work place was interesting. A relatively new start up company up the with about 150 employees, most of whom were young and around my age (22 at the time). There were a lot of girls and soon after I started, one became very attracted to me (even though she knew I was married and had a kid) and said if I ever want to fool around, she's there for me. I never considered it for a second and quickly distanced myself from the crazy harlot (haha). I loved my wife and wanted to be with my wife.

 

Fast forward to September 2011 (24 now) and I get asked if I would like a Team Manager position (I didn't apply) in a brand new division of the Sales department. I reluctantly agreed, I was afraid of working more and being away from my wife and daughter more and also making less money as I was the top performing advisor in the Customer Retention department but I thought I'd give it a shot. I recruited my own team of 10 sales people and so did another new Sales Team Manager. So it begins...

 

My wife came in with my daughter one day to visit and once they had left, this 18 year old girl in another of the competing teams came over and asked if that was my wife and my daughter and I told her yes it was. She then told me how cute my daughter was and we just made small talk for awhile. That was the first time I had ever spoken to her.

 

Over the next two months, we became friends. She had similar interests and we got on really well. By early December, she started flirting with me. I was very surprised and eventually started flirting back but I wasn't looking for anything and thought it was just harmless flirting as she knew I was married etc. It made me feel good about myself, I was 24 and this 18 year old was flirting with me. My own stupid ego got in the way of common sense.

 

By mid to late December, she had a few weeks of annual leave to go back to New Zealand to see her friends and family (who would have thought I'd be attracted to a Kiwi haha) and after work finished one day I quickly checked my facebook and she came on and started talking to me and asked if I missed her (which I thought was weird but I told her I did) and then I told her I stole her reindeers (we had xmas decorations in the office, she used to steal my coffee cups from my desk so I took her reindeers) and she said something along the lines of it doesn't matter, I have your heart. I was shocked as I thought while we were walking the line of appropriate and inappropriate that she only considered me a friend and so did I. I now realise I should have stopped at that point and realised that I couldn't be friends with this girl but I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. What made it worse was that my wife was at home that day and her mum was using my laptop and I had left facebook open and they were both watching the chat in real time. My wife confronted me about it and was surprisingly great about it and said that we could still be friends.

 

When she came back, the flirting began again (she initiated it but I would always reciprocate) and I started to really feel attracted to her. A couple of weeks later, I was at a real low point. I felt so guilty and ashamed and couldn't believe how I felt and that how could I deserve to be with my wife when I was attracted to another girl. I ended up telling her that I didn't think I was in love with her and somewhat blamed her for us growing apart. I then moved out. This really crushed my wife and made me feel terrible that I hurt her so badly. I also had a hard time, I lost weight and I went from 90kg to 82kg in the space of 2 weeks as I could barely eat anything.

 

A day after I moved out, the girl asked me at work why I looked so sad. I told her I had moved out and was staying with my dad. She seemed surprise but did not offer any real comment about it. At the end of that week (a few days after I moved out), one of our mutual friends was having drinks at her place after work. When I finished work, I received a text from my wife saying she didn't think she could do it anymore and she was sorry. I understood this to mean she was breaking up with me for good. I was crushed. I still went over to my friend's place for a few drinks so I could take my mind off everything. I got drunk very quickly and awhile after I got there, the 18 year old turned up too. I had gotten a waterproof case for my iphone and when I was drunk I kept wanting to throw it in the pool so our friend grabbed it off me (and then I think passed it on to the 18 year old) so I couldn't put it in the pool as she didn't think it would be waterproof. I then think the 18 year looked through my phone and saw the texts from my wife and I.

 

Later that night when I was veeeeeeeeeerry drunk, she followed me into the house from outside and I barely remember what happened but I think we were just talking and when I blinked she quickly jumped in and started kissing me. I can't remember how long it went for but I think it was very quick and then I pulled away because I heard someone walk into the house from outside. I don't really know why I kissed back, I was upset and drunk and I guess I seeked comfort and it felt right at the time. Very soon after I felt terrible and regretted it so much as I wanted to be with my wife and wanted to fight for it. Nothing else happened that night.

 

After the weekend, the girl and I didn't really talk at work as our coworkers were getting a bit suss as some of them at witnessed the previous flirting and we didn't want to rile up everyone to partake in office gossip. I ended up asking if I could talk to her one day after work. She asked me to come to her place but we'd have to be quick as her roomie would be home shortly after and she had a friend coming over. I told her I didn't like that she kissed me and wish it didn't happen as I just wanted to be friends and I was worried it would make things weird. She agreed it was a mistake and confirmed she just wanted to be friends. I then left.

 

About a week later, I moved back in with my wife and we started trying to work things out but I didn't tell her what had happened. The girl did not know I moved back in as I stopped talking to her for awhile. We decided to see a marriage councillor to work out our issues but in the councilling session, I didn't mention what had happened. I had then decided to throw in the towel in Team Management as I hated the extra hours and was making about half what I was making in Customer Retention so my team decided to have drinks as a farewell. So after marriage councilling, I ask my wife I can go and she agrees but tells me to be home after a couple hours. Unknown to me, the girl ends up turning up there as well even though she was not a part of my team. I end up doing shots and accidently getting maggoted so I was way over the limit and I couldn't drive home. The girl ends up going out not long after she got there but talks to me when I'm sitting on the kitchen floor but I couldn't understand her as I was that drunk and she leaves. My wife then calls me and is so upset and disappointed and tells me that it's over for good and we're getting a divorce.

 

At about 3-4am in the morning, I was woken up by one of my friend's as my wife sent her a message on facebook asking if I was still there (obviously she was worried I may have tried to drive home and crashed) and she had also sent the same message to the girl. The girl then comes over to me (I was passed out on the couch) and tells me the same thing then walks away. I then stumbled (was still a bit drunk but was a lot more sober) to the toilet and then as I was leaving the toilet and walking back to the couch the girl starts talking to me while she was laying on a matress in a spare room. She ends up asking me if I want to come in and spend the night with her. I'm not sure exactly what she was getting at but I said no, I don't want to and walked away.

 

I left early in the morning and arrived home to see my wife looking up on the net how to get a divorce. I then get a text saying you've made everything clear now from the girl presumably about me rejecting her that night. I did call her later that day as I didn't understand what exactly she meant but she didn't really want to talk about it.

 

My wife decides not to divorce me and the girl and I don't talk for a couple weeks and then I get a text out of the blue from her one weekend saying that she was going past my suburb on the highway and she didn't realise how close she was to me. I just ask her what she's up to and she's going to Movie World. She then messages me later asking what size clothes my daughter wears, I reply and ask why and she tells me she found a really cute dress for her. I was very surprised but thanked her. She then gave me the dress at work on Monday and we just said a few words to each other and that was it. Later that night, I put some pics of my daughter in the dress on facebook for her to see and immediately she logs on and starts talking to me. The thing is my wife was lying on the bed right next to me and see's the girl say I didn't know you were back at home with your wife and then saying never mind, it's none of my business anyway. My wife had thought something wasn't right all along and then asked me what was going on. I told her the truth that I was attracted to the girl but I wanted to be with her. She then asked if we had kissed or had sex etc and I lied and said no (we only had ever kissed that once). I didn't want to tell my wife as I didn't want to hurt her.

 

My wife didn't believe me and ended up talking to the girl on facebook but she didn't reply. My wife then logged into my account pretending to be me and told the girl that I had told her everything about us and I wanted her to talk to my wife to explain. The girl agreed and started talking to my wife. She then told my wife everything. My wife then asked me again if we had kissed and I lied. She then asked me again and I lied again. She then said then why is she saying you did kiss.

 

I ended up taking the next few days off work to be with my wife so we could work it out and we hit a low point when my wife told me that I must have loved her as I was willing to risk our family for the girl. It had felt like an interrogation for the past few days and I was having a very hard time and I broke and agreed and said maybe I did. My wife then threw all my clothes out on the front lawn and kicked me out. She then called my dad and told him I had an affair and I was coming to stay at his place and then she gave the phone to me and I told him it wasn't an affair. As I was about to leave my wife called out to me and then punched me full force point blank in the nose. I've been punched in the head by guys before but this nearly knocked me out and I thought she had broken my nose due to all the blood pissing out. My wife then ran inside and locked herself in our room.

 

I'm normally a very calm guy but I became enraged and wanted to strangle her. That thought passed after 5 seconds but I wanted to show my wife what she did to me. She wouldn't open the door so I tried to kick it down but couldn't (she had her body against it but I didn't know that) so then I resorted to punching my way through it and got through it. My wife then saw what she had done to me and by this time I was so upset not because of the physical pain but the emotional pain that I had hurt my wife so bad that she felt the need to assault me. My wife freaked out and looked after me and was apologising profusely and beginning me not to leave her. After going for a walk, I came back and told her I wanted to be with her.

 

Fast forward 2-3 weeks...(no contact with the girl)

I had stopped all contact with the girl but then I received a sms the other night saying forget about me. I didn't understand this and I showed my wife immediately as I didn't want to hide anything from her.

 

Now I feel like the girl may try to break us up. It gets worse, my wife got a job working at the same office. I'm happy my wife will be working with me but I'm worried the girl will try to break us up and cause problems. My wife thinks that she's still hung up on me. I thought after all this happened that I was just a game to this girl but I think the girl does feel something for me.

 

I still can't believe I did all of this. I wish I could turn back time so I never started talking to the kill. I'm scared of lost my wife forever. I'm back with her but she doesn't know if she wants to stay with me so we're just taking it one day at a time. She doesn't trust me at all and I don't blame her one bit.

 

So now I'm trying to regain her trust. I am 100% honest with her. For the past few weeks, most of what we talk about is the same thing over and over - what happened with the girl. I'm happy to do it as it's what my wife wants to do and I think she needs to do it so she can heal. I don't like talking about it though because I hate thinking about it and want to forget it ever happened.

 

I feel lost. I watched a movie called Fireproof which really helped me improve myself and my thoughts about how a marriage should work but I can't help but think it's too late. I'm not going to give up though. It's so strange, my wife has been wanting to have sex with me (and we have) pretty much every day. My wife did say after the first time we had sex that I shouldn't think that it improved my chances of us staying together so I felt used. We had basically stopped having sex before I met the girl. My wife still doesn't really kiss me as she is disgusted as the girl has been in my mouth and touched my lips.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I only have a second but just wanted to say...keep working on your M. It can be saved. Be completely honest, open, transparent, and non-defensive. And do it for years. Keep posting. The weekends are slow but veterans will be along soon and will give you help. Be more proactive; START conversations about it. Her ego is destroyed. Take ownership of fixing it.

[Prime Vera]

Is alcohol causing or contributing to your marital problems? If so, if I were you, I would consider quitting drinking so that I could be clear headed enough to work on my marriage.

[turbz]

someone please help me i am at a loss and really need some help, info and insight!!! i feel so sick and anxious and just need help!!! Please!!!!!!!

[PinkInTheLimo]

i feel so sick and anxious and just need help!!! Please!!!!!!!

 

Euh... how do you think your wife feels right now? If there is anyone who must be feeling sick it's her!

 

You are so weak, I am sure you like to pretend to be the big guy but look at you now

[frozensprouts]

someone please help me i am at a loss and really need some help, info and insight!!! i feel so sick and anxious and just need help!!! Please!!!!!!!

 

your story sounds like the story a lot of guys who cheat on their wives could tell...mine could...

 

To summarize, my husband and I had been married for about 12 years, had three kids, and were ( at least i thought) happy. He's military, and due to the high frequency of postings, people come and go from where he works all the time. A woman got posted in, and they atlked a bit at work, but that was it. One day he got an email from her on facebook saying she had a problem and wanted to meet with him outside of work to talk about it. he asked me what i thought, and said it sounded weird, and he told her no. That was fine.

A few weeks later, and they were chatting online a huge amount of time "as friends", and she even added me as a a friend and chatted with me (she knew he was married with kids). I finally got got sick of him chatting with her so much and asked him to stop He'd also been getting more and more distant and short tempered with me. He said he would, but about week later ( during which he was really rude to me and short tempered) he said he wanted to leave, and he left moved in with her. He kept lying and saying they were just friends, but I found out the truth.

The whole thing lasted maybe six weeks from when he first left ( during which he kept coming back and forth, and I kept trying everything i could think of to make things better). It finally ended when i told him that if he loved her that much, then he should be with her and I wanted a divorce.

 

turns out the woman he'd been seeing was a "serial other woman", and prefers relationships with married guys. After their affair ended, she went through quite a string of them ( including the husband of one of my friends, and she tried to get the husband of another one of my friends involved with her, but he didn't)

 

your story has a lot of similarities... you are under stress at home, you meet a girl at work and start a friendship which becomes an affair. All of a sudden, your home life seems so much worse, and you start rationalizing your actions. You spend way too much time communicating with this new person, and before you know it, you are in an emotional affair which may soon become a physical affair.

 

yes, you could have said "no", but that doesn't matter now, as it's already happened, now you need to move on.

 

it sounds like you are trying to be open and honest with your wife ( lying to protect her feelings actually just hurts them even more, and makes you seem even less worthy of trust). Keep up the honesty. It's going to take a while for her to trust you again, but, with time,she can. It's also going to take time to repair the damage, but, again, it can be done. Getting counseling is a good start, as having an impartial third party can help determine where the issues in your marriage lie so that the two of you can begin to fix them. But it isn't going to happen overnight...don't let is discourage you if it takes longer than you expected. Ask your wife what she needs from you right now, and do it. But also, don't be afarid to let her know what issues you have, as things won't get better if both sides aren't given the chance to express their feelings and issues.

 

it sounds like you will now be working with both your wife and the "other woman". It sounds like you think you will like working with your wife, which is nice.

Some will say that you shouldn't work with yr ex affair partner if at all possible, and i can see the point in that. But sometimes it can't be helped, and it may even help your wife to rebuild her trust in you if she can see that you can be around this woman and nothing happens.

 

( i may be biased but based upon some of what you say, i'd be careful of this ex other woman. in most cases, they are simply hurt by the whole thing and want to move on , but occasionally an ex other man/woman can be , well, a little nutty ( my husband's was)and won't leave you and your family alone ( the idea that she bought a dress for your daughter after all of that is weird...remember...she can't be your friend anymore, at best, she is simply a work colleague. Delete her off your facebook friends list, change your phone number, etc. so she can't reach you or your wife, etc. NO MORE CONTACT OUTSIDE OF WORK!!! having contact with her just makes her think you may still be interested, and since you aren't, why make her think you are? )

 

 

best of luck to you and your wife...you can get through this, it's not going to be easy...but if you want it badly enough, it can happen:)

[nofool4u]

My wife did say after the first time we had sex that I shouldn't think that it improved my chances of us staying together so I felt used.

 

Sorry, you don't get to do what you did, and complain about being used because you had sex one time. Of course she is going to still be angry and not thinking your chances are real good.

 

You are not afforded the luxury of patience any longer. The ball is now in your wife's court, and if you are serious about wanting to gain her trust, then you put up with your little feelings of being used until she makes a decision.

 

 

We had basically stopped having sex before I met the girl. My wife still doesn't really kiss me as she is disgusted as the girl has been in my mouth and touched my lips.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Yes, you give your wife as long as she needs. Thank your lucky stars she hasn't left you, because if I was a friend of hers, I'd have told her to leave you toot sweet.

 

You are getting a 2nd chance, whether or not she feels you deserve it is up to you. And if you feel "used", then you are giving us an indicator that you don't deserve it because once again, its all about you and your needs, as opposed to her needs.