asher Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I am a 34 year old male, married for five and a half years to my wife, three years my junior. Our relationship has been good overall, except that I have been battling what I think is an addiction to porn and masturbation, to the point that it has impacted our sex life during our marriage. This has caused my wife to have trust issues with me at various points in our relationship. Never once have I cheated in the physical sense, but keep reading. I had been an avid social media user, and began to have conversations via Twitter with a woman with whom I shared a favorite sport. The conversations were initially very innocent, but would then turn sexual, with her sending me explicit pictures of herself for me to masturbate to. And of course, my porn habit during this time had also come back strong, causing mixed signals when trying to sleep with my wife. My wife found one of these photos yesterday, confronted me about it, and I told her the truth; that I had been having conversations with this other woman, which turned sexual, and I would masturbate to the pictures. She also speculates that I have been meeting with this woman in person, which I have never have. She left for the night, came back for some things this morning, and then left again. In our previous discussions on the subject, I had told her that I thought that I needed counseling for the porn and masturbation, and this personally was the last straw. She does not believe that she can be with me any longer. We had been trying to have our first child, and she said that she doesn't want to any longer. Divorce is not common in her family, but it is very common in mine, as my father left my mother for his high school sweetheart when I was 12. I always said that I was never going to be like him, and now I feel just like him. I spoke with a friend of mine who had been divorced and he steered me in a direction for counseling. I want to address the porn and masturbation topic with a counselor, because I know that this is a crucial step in attempting to regain any trust from my wife. I do love my wife, and I feel absolutely awful and embarrassed that this situation has occurred. I meet with the counselor on Thursday. I would also love to try some sort of couples counseling, if she is game. I have read through other posts, and it seems like there are various arguments on whether or not porn is an addiction, and whether or not it is an affair if you've never met. In my own personal case, porn and masturbation are an addiction to me, and obtaining photos from someone to masturbate to is an affair. I do not know why I posted this here. I guess if anyone can relate, I'd love to hear it.
Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I have read that in some men, depending on how their brain is wired, porn can be highly addictive. It overstimulates a portion of their limbic system, and like all addictions, causes an intense high, masturbation ensues, and then a deep drop in dopamine, causing anger, anxiety and then depression, and then the need for relief and release.....and the cycle repeats. Sounds like how heroin effects people, doesn't it? The problem for the relationship is that it desensitizes you to the needs and approach necessary to connect intimately with a real woman. It makes you a lousy lover to a woman, who craves emotionally intimacy and longer and more tender foreplay. Porn is made by men for men, and if you think that is the way a woman wants to be satisfied, you are doing a terrible disservice to yourself and your spouse. Porn can destroy both physical and emotional intimacy in a marriage. And also similiar to an addict, you need to view more outrageous images for longer time periods and take greater risks to get the same "high." Hence, nude pictures from some internet cutie. Think about that. If your wife was masturbating to pics of some male "online" friend, how would you feel? Would you think this person is stable enough to be a life partner and parent to your child? Would you feel safe enough to put yor future in their hands? Get off the porn. Get to counseling. And pray she gives you another chance. Those that say it is not an addiction, do not have it. But I think you are wise to admit you may have one. Good luck to you.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I think it's for the best that your wife move on. Perhaps she will meet a man who wants to share life (and sex) with her, and you can be free to pursue the kind of sex life that obviously suits you best. Sounds like a win / win. Have fun!
Stellar Wench Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I think it's for the best that your wife move on. Perhaps she will meet a man who wants to share life (and sex) with her, and you can be free to pursue the kind of sex life that obviously suits you best. Sounds like a win / win. Have fun! Totally agree. I don't blame his wife for leaving. She wants children of her own, not to be married to one. I'm sure she wants the father of her child to be a good role model and actively engaged in being a dad, instead of being engaged with a computer.
Stellar Wench Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Get off the porn. Get to counseling. And pray she gives you another chance.His wife would be completely irresponsible to have a child with an addict. Treatment could take years with no guarantee of success. If she's his age, she may not feel like she has that kind of time OR that husband is worth the risk. The poor woman is probably grateful that she found out now before she got pregnant.
analystfromhell Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Unlike the other responses, I'm don't think porn is wrong per se- only in the effect it can have on your marriage. Is your sex life OK otherwise? Are you attracted to your wife? Why were you engaged in this with another woman? This wasn't "porn" per se in my mind but something way deeper, bordering on an affair. Looking at it in that way- what were and are your motivations? Rather than chastising yourself or engaging in some moral indignation, examine your motivations and expected outcomes and work from there. As to your wife, she'll do what she does. You've already clearly stepped over a line will need to work on the repercussions but don't let guilt or obligation be your guide or motivation as whatever is underlying this will just be temporarily suppressed and just manifest themselves in some other unhealthy way unless you see what's going on with your motivations.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Unlike the other responses, I'm don't think porn is wrong per se- only in the effect it can have on your marriage. Is your sex life OK otherwise? Are you attracted to your wife? Why were you engaged in this with another woman? I didn't see responses that claimed that porn is "wrong." Mine certainly didn't. I think it's clear that the OP is not offering much to his wife in this marriage, sexually for sure. The virtual other woman - a total deal breaker, if I were in the wife's shoes.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 My ex boyfriend did not have porn addiction but he did have a bad habit of chatting with women on the internet and saying he was single. I discovered the saved conversations in his email several months before we broke up. He cried and said that he felt pressure from me about moving in together (we lived together for a year) and that he didn't want to tell me no even though he wasn't ready. Unfortunatley at that time I was very weak and had very low self esteem. I thought this was what I deserved. So I stayed in the relationship. He said he would change, went to counseling, ect. He let me check his email repeatedly to ensure that he wasn't chatting with other women. Fast forward 4 months, he had told me he was enrolling back in college (he took time off because of finances). He gave me a date that he was starting. In checking his email I found that he was not granted the loan that he told me he was granted, therefore he was just planning on lying ot me about going to school..I don't know what his full plan was. Anyway, I realized he hadn't changed and had the strength to break up with him. A year later I met my wonderful husband and 5 1/2 years later we are happily married and expecting a baby in 2 months. Bottom line, breaking up with him was the BEST thing I ever did in my whole life. Sorry to say, but your wife did the right thing. I know that hurts to hear, but props to her for having the courage and strength to do that. That being said, if you want to win her back you have some work to do. That means counseling and changing your ways. Unfortunately my ex boyfriend couldn't do it, thankfully. I found someone much better. So if that's the road your wife wants to take then you are going to need to accept that and get better so that this won't happen in another relationship.
Author asher Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 I want to thank you all for your feedback. I know that I have a major uphill battle in fixing myself before I can even hope to fix my marriage, but I am going to give it everything I've got.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 And you seriously could not figure this out on your own? Didn't a little voice inside of you tell you that maybe you were out of bounds with your behavior?
make me believe Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 And you seriously could not figure this out on your own? Didn't a little voice inside of you tell you that maybe you were out of bounds with your behavior? This is what I'm wondering too. OP, it sounds to me like you stopped this behavior and decided it was a problem only because you got caught. Otherwise you would have happily continued on receiving pictures from other women, chatting with them, and leaving your wife in the dark. This would be a huge red flag to me if I was your wife. It might be different if you had felt some guilt & remorse, stopped what you were doing, and confessed to it ON YOUR OWN. The fact that you only stopped when your wife discovered it says a lot. I am not sure what to tell you. Maybe if you get into counseling and show your wife REAL, LASTING changes in your behavior she will give you a second chance. But even if she does, you guys need to table the idea of having kids for awhile. I personally wouldn't be willing to deal with the steep uphill battle of a spouse getting "treatment" for this type of "addiction" (I don't believe it's an addiction anyway), but your wife might have a change of heart. It would be a dealbreaker for me though.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 This is what I'm wondering too. OP, it sounds to me like you stopped this behavior and decided it was a problem only because you got caught. Otherwise you would have happily continued on receiving pictures from other women, chatting with them, and leaving your wife in the dark. This would be a huge red flag to me if I was your wife. It might be different if you had felt some guilt & remorse, stopped what you were doing, and confessed to it ON YOUR OWN. The fact that you only stopped when your wife discovered it says a lot. I am not sure what to tell you. Maybe if you get into counseling and show your wife REAL, LASTING changes in your behavior she will give you a second chance. But even if she does, you guys need to table the idea of having kids for awhile. I personally wouldn't be willing to deal with the steep uphill battle of a spouse getting "treatment" for this type of "addiction" (I don't believe it's an addiction anyway), but your wife might have a change of heart. It would be a dealbreaker for me though. I think the fact that you don't believe it's an addiction is probably why you can't understand why he did what he did. Unfortunatly most addicts don't seek help soley on their own. There is usually some kind of external reason for stopping use of whatever their addictive behavior is. This is why OP SHOULD be characterized as an addict, because that's exactly what he did. That being said, hopefully some of his motivation for seeking help is internal and he does want to change for HIMSELF. He can't (and won't) change just for his wife.
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