its not his smile but its such a charming smile..

[chikabee]

Few months ago, I went through a crisis about "what to do with a husband who didnt want the same things in life; having children." It was a sudden onset feeling of being neglected and I was infuriated. My husband couldnt understand what the hell was going on, because he felt it came out of nowhere. I tried to confront him nicely at first, but it just didnt work. We were on the wrong page. You may wonder, "Why the hell did you marry him from the first place?" All I can say is that we just clicked and fell in love when we were both in college. Got married at a young age(22) and our marriage was like a strong bond rather than a commitment to bringing new life together. I think I was just clucky.

 

(Now this is where I make my own trap and make my consolidating skills get out of whack. please read on if you think you might be able to help me.)

 

During this break-down of mine, I met someone through a friend of a friend; stupidly enough through facebook. It wasn't anything intimate at all, but he got me curious. The more we chatted and the more I learned, the more I was interested in what he was saying and telling me, rather than what my husband had to say...

 

Now I thought it wasn't going to hurt anyone, because I thought he lived overseas. We kept sending messages asking about our views in life. He also gave me advice about what I should do with my situation with my husband.

 

One day I found out he actually lived in the same city, and things started to feel naughty than friendly. We both got interested to meet up, convincing each other that we could be "friends"...! I was just really happy to be able to meet someone who had great qualities as a person and outlook in life. I am a socialite and love meeting new people, so the fact that I was meeting someone like this, didnt bother me. Besides, I knew his work profile, so I knew it was safe to meet him.

 

 

So we met...

 

I immediately felt butterflies in the stomach. Something I had never felt for 8 yrs since I first met my husband... I felt this guilt surge into my body, and at the same time the cheap thrill of doing something forbidden got me into a high, I suppose. I did mention I was a socialite and bubbly person, but I never in my life cheated on anyone... I guess until now...

 

As we got into talking, hours went by and it was time for me to hurry home... It was such a fun night out, and I wished it never end... We definately had strong feelings about desiring one another....

So from that day on, I couldnt' stop thinking of what it could have been. What I would never ever do. But it was almost too easy with him...

Although that night I went home, all I thought about was, when can I get the chance to see him again!?

 

I knew I was doing something very wrong, and yet because of the situation with my husband wasnt getting better, I somehow tricked myself into thinking that it was ALRIGHT, especially after finding out that my "new friend" was actually moving to the states in 6 months. I was selfish. I gathered that I had to pursue my intentions; to see if he was actually interested in me too, and I think I was also testing myself to see if my husband was the right one for me. You might say that if you love him dearly, you would never do this. A rational thinker wouldnt do such things...

 

In conclusion....

 

During the period of 3 months of argument with my husband, I met him 3 times and certainly did enjoy bad things together. I hate to say this, but it was very addictive... However the guy would always insist on ending this, saying that it just wasnt fair for anyone and the situation was just totally not in the right context. He was right. He knew all along that this was just totally wrong. I agreed, but deep inside, I wished he would just want me again. Its such a terrible egoistic boost. I was unshameful, because I thought that I could have it all...

 

Now its been 6months since I last talked to him, and I am back with my husband, as if nothing happened... My husband realised that if it was that important to me, he was prepared to work on it (having kids in the future). I was happy and glad that we are back together. This whole affair made me realise that grass in greener on the other side.

 

However...

 

The only problem is, I still think about him. I wish nothing but a great future for him. And wished that I met him in a different scenario, because I really liked this guy.

 

I hope you can help me justify my point of view. I think I just really wish I can still keep in touch with him which I know is not going to lead to anywhere...

 

Do you think that the way I am thinking is crook? Or is it normal? Some of my friends say that its a mistake that I had to go through in order to realise how important the reality is.

[Owl]

I may have missed this in your post...does your H know the full truth of what happened between you and your "friend"?

 

What's your H's take on continued interaction with this guy?

 

That should be your key deciding factor here.

[RobD70]

I immediately felt butterflies in the stomach. Something I had never felt for 8 yrs since I first met my husband... I felt this guilt surge into my body, and at the same time the cheap thrill of doing something forbidden got me into a high, I suppose.

This is very typical, everyone feels like this in that situation for the most part. There's nothing special about it.

 

However the guy would always insist on ending this, saying that it just wasnt fair for anyone and the situation was just totally not in the right context. He was right. He knew all along that this was just totally wrong. I agreed, but deep inside, I wished he would just want me again. Its such a terrible egoistic boost. I was unshameful, because I thought that I could have it all...

This was a way for him to sugar coat the fact that you were just a booty-call to him. Had he thought he was "in love" with you he wouldn't have giving you up so easily. You obviously wanted him more than he wanted you.

 

And wished that I met him in a different scenario, because I really liked this guy.

You were just infatuated with him because it was an affair, 97% of affairs die within 2 years because affairs don't survive the light of reality. Most people have affairs with people they normally wouldn't have dated if single.

 

I hope you can help me justify my point of view. I think I just really wish I can still keep in touch with him which I know is not going to lead to anywhere...

 

Do you think that the way I am thinking is crook? Or is it normal? Some of my friends say that its a mistake that I had to go through in order to realise how important the reality is.

What you are feeling is normal, affairs are just like drug addictions and you get a rush of hormones and endorphins while in the affair (it makes you think you are in love when you are really just high). You get withdraws from affairs and sometimes relapse just like if it was a drug.

 

You can't be friends with him or you WILL start the affair again and lose your marriage plus in your case, it sounds like your AP doesn't really want you for a real relationship so you'd end up alone.

 

You dodged a bullet. Consider yourself lucky you weren't kick to the curb and served divorced papers because if you were my wife you would have been.

[East7]

This is very typical. And thank you for reinforcing the theory of how a married woman falls in love with an OM.

 

It is not about him but the way he makes you feel. He made you feel alive again. Yes that would be great in another situation, chemistry is chemistry, but you weren't looking for a new relationship nor you were planning to leave your husband. It can be very misleading for a man to feel loved by a married woman.

 

In fact, it was all about YOU and butterflies, pure egocentric satisfaction, having an husband at home and feeling desired in the market.

 

You have nothing to offer him. Let him find someone who wants to BE with him.

[East7]

You were just infatuated with him because it was an affair, 97% of affairs die within 2 years because affairs don't survive the light of reality.

 

This is not something specific to the As. The passion cools down in the 2 years time span even in a normal relationship.

 

Most people have affairs with people they normally wouldn't have dated if single.

I don't believe such theory.

 

Attraction is attraction, whether in A situation or single. What makes the difference is the commitment or choices.

[chikabee]

Owls

To answer your question, yes I actually went insane trying to justify my action, (and in order to escape from the guilt), I tried to confront my husband on several occasions. The "friend" suggested I do it for my own good.

Whether or not my husband knew, I still dont know. This is because he stopped me from explaining what I tried to tell him. He said to me, "I dont need to know. Its alright." I cried and apologized...

I decided it was best not to go there anymore...

[chikabee]

Thank you for your perspective. It does make sense that love feels like an addiction to drugs. I for one, endulged in that one when I met my husband, so I must admit that I live strongly by my instincts...

 

Just missed a bullet... I am indeed lucky. I think I needed to get this story out of my chest and so glad I did in this forum. Thanks for your unbiased view.

[chikabee]

East7

 

I think that was exactly what made me think over and over again.... About whether there was another ending to this story... I really dont think I'd handle the other story that well. It was just more like a fantasy, wonderment, and pure lust.

 

It is definately (sadly I am one that love receiving attentions, naturally) a HIGH to be desired by someone other than your partner. But that only happened with this guy PURELY because I really really liked him.

I think if this was in a different time frame, time line whatever you call it, we definately hit it off. We tried to stay friends, but that was an impossible task (mainly me), so I cut all ties with him.

 

The problem for me is the internet and social media.... How EASY it is to just click and check his profile etc....

 

But getting this out of my chest, I think I feel a hundred times more confident and certain that I made the right choice.

Edited October 6, 2011 by chikabee

[Untouchable_Fire]

East7

I think that was exactly what made me think over and over again.... About whether there was another ending to this story... I really dont think I'd handle the other story that well. It was just more like a fantasy, wonderment, and pure lust.

It is definately (sadly I am one that love receiving attentions, naturally) a HIGH to be desired by someone other than your partner. But that only happened with this guy PURELY because I really really liked him.

I think if this was in a different time frame, time line whatever you call it, we definately hit it off. We tried to stay friends, but that was an impossible task (mainly me), so I cut all ties with him.

The problem for me is the internet and social media.... How EASY it is to just click and check his profile etc....

But getting this out of my chest, I think I feel a hundred times more confident and certain that I made the right choice.

 

Seriously... your Husbands "don't ask don't tell" attitude is kind of frightening... it makes me think he is somewhat apathetic.

 

I believe it's your JOB to tell him. This happened because you and he have a complete lack of emotional intimacy. Keeping this kind of secret will prevent you from ever having a good relationship. He needs to know, accept it, and show that he really cares about you!

 

On the other hand... what you did is really slimy and unjustifiable. This other guy clearly just wanted some ass.... and you really can't stop thinking about him? You have already been very ignorant in your actions, stop pretending that this other man loves you. IF he did love you he would make himself available and ask you to leave your Husband for him. As soon as this guy isn't getting his dick wet anymore... he's gone. How can you love a guy like that?

[East7]

East7

 

It is definately (sadly I am one that love receiving attentions, naturally) a HIGH to be desired by someone other than your partner. But that only happened with this guy PURELY because I really really liked him.

I think if this was in a different time frame, time line whatever you call it, we definately hit it off. We tried to stay friends, but that was an impossible task (mainly me), so I cut all ties with him.

 

The idea that you will be ONLY attracted to your husband is false. The same is true for your husband, he might like other women. We click and have attraction, chemistry, (whatever you want to call it) with other people during our life. Temptation is constant. The only thing that makes a difference is acting to satisfy the temptation. You have made a mutual moral contract to stay faithful.

 

Now talking about the OM (I am a former OM), he may really like you, even fall head over heals for you. As long as you have nothing to offer him (in terms of relationship), you should leave him alone otherwise you will hurt him and yourself.

Edited October 6, 2011 by East7

[chikabee]

The idea that you will be ONLY attracted to your husband is false. The same is true for your husband, he might like other women. We click and have attraction, chemistry, (whatever you want to call it) with other people during our life. Temptation is constant. The only thing that makes a difference is acting to satisfy the temptation. You have made a mutual moral contract to stay faithful.

 

Now talking about the OM (I am a former OM), he may really like you, even fall head over heals for you. As long as you have nothing to offer him (in terms of relationship), you should leave him alone otherwise you will hurt him and yourself.

EAST7

Thanks again for your perspective. Coming from a OM perspective almost made me feel that it came from my former OM... Yes, I truly wish for his happiness and his future. And by writing this in public, it helped me to see the other person's perspective. To be happy with what you have <- Requires discipline and humbleness. I am living this moment (life with someone I love and trust and respect) and learning from this expererience...

[chikabee]

I guess Im confused by your post. Did you physically cheat on your H? Also, I have trouble with the fact that you just met someone through facebook. It sounds more like you were looking to cheat.

 

As of right now you are tricking your H into staying with you and raising a family. You are having your cake and eating it too.

 

You need to be honest with your H because if the OM didn't dump you this story would be completely different

I did tell my H and I think you're right. If my H didnt want children I would have realised that we were totally not able to live on lying to one another. I probably would have no choice but to leave my H. Not that it meant anything would happen (in terms of relationship) with OM because he was leaving the country in 6 months. Now he is completely out of my life.

 

When you have a international background, and have friends that live all over the world (close friends), and a friend of a friend who is in the same art industry like you, Facebook is rather a medium to get connected. He and I did not have any intimate conversation, but yes we both had fell in our own traps when we decided to meet each other. This is what I should NEVER had done.