For anyone who told spouse an affair would be a dealbreaker

[aloneinnyc]

When my husband I met, I made it clear to him that I would walk if he ever betrayed me. I come from a home completely destroyed by cheating (my father cheated on my mother and left us without a cent, so I grew up hearing from her constantly that men can't be trusted and my father ruined her life). It did serious damage to my ability to trust, so I told my husband that I'd never recover if he cheated because I just bring too much baggage when it comes to trust. Four years later, we married, and I trusted him with all my heart, even though I didn't think I could ever do that. I gave him everything I had, told him everything, completely trusted him.

 

Well, here we are, 16 years later, and I'm spending our 12 wedding anniversary alone because he cheated and I found out three months ago.

I feel worse than I even imagined I would when we had those conversations early in our relationship. I fear I'll never trust anyone again.

 

What amazes me now is that he says he managed not to think about those early conversations during his cheating because he thought he had things under control and wouldn't do it. And even now, he can't believe we won't get back together again because he thinks I can't throw away the good years we had together (and we have a 4-yr-old).

 

It just makes me wonder whether he gets, even now, what the term dealbreaker means. Is it that so many people don't have this as a dealbreaker than when someone actually does, people think they are crying wolf? Because it is a dealbreaker for me, and I feel it now as much as ever. I just know we won't get beyond this, and I don't know what more I could have done to tell him this. Now he's full of remorse and regret (and I believe it), but the fear this day would come clearly never stopped him before.

[KathyM]

When my husband I met, I made it clear to him that I would walk if he ever betrayed me. I come from a home completely destroyed by cheating (my father cheated on my mother and left us without a cent, so I grew up hearing from her constantly that men can't be trusted and my father ruined her life). It did serious damage to my ability to trust, so I told my husband that I'd never recover if he cheated because I just bring too much baggage when it comes to trust. Four years later, we married, and I trusted him with all my heart, even though I didn't think I could ever do that. I gave him everything I had, told him everything, completely trusted him.

 

Well, here we are, 16 years later, and I'm spending our 12 wedding anniversary alone because he cheated and I found out three months ago.

I feel worse than I even imagined I would when we had those conversations early in our relationship. I fear I'll never trust anyone again.

 

What amazes me now is that he says he managed not to think about those early conversations during his cheating because he thought he had things under control and wouldn't do it. And even now, he can't believe we won't get back together again because he thinks I can't throw away the good years we had together (and we have a 4-yr-old).

 

It just makes me wonder whether he gets, even now, what the term dealbreaker means. Is it that so many people don't have this as a dealbreaker than when someone actually does, people think they are crying wolf? Because it is a dealbreaker for me, and I feel it now as much as ever. I just know we won't get beyond this, and I don't know what more I could have done to tell him this. Now he's full of remorse and regret (and I believe it), but the fear this day would come clearly never stopped him before.

It really is a shame when a spouse doesn't value the trust and faith that is shown to them in a marriage. That is such a valueable thing, and so hard to get back once it is lost. For me also, infidelity would be a dealbreaker in my marriage. No matter how many years I had invested in the marriage, once the trust is broken and the spouse has proven such total disregard for our vows and my feelings, that would be it for me. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[TigerCub]

When my husband I met, I made it clear to him that I would walk if he ever betrayed me. I come from a home completely destroyed by cheating (my father cheated on my mother and left us without a cent, so I grew up hearing from her constantly that men can't be trusted and my father ruined her life). It did serious damage to my ability to trust, so I told my husband that I'd never recover if he cheated because I just bring too much baggage when it comes to trust. Four years later, we married, and I trusted him with all my heart, even though I didn't think I could ever do that. I gave him everything I had, told him everything, completely trusted him.

 

Well, here we are, 16 years later, and I'm spending our 12 wedding anniversary alone because he cheated and I found out three months ago.

I feel worse than I even imagined I would when we had those conversations early in our relationship. I fear I'll never trust anyone again.

 

What amazes me now is that he says he managed not to think about those early conversations during his cheating because he thought he had things under control and wouldn't do it. And even now, he can't believe we won't get back together again because he thinks I can't throw away the good years we had together (and we have a 4-yr-old).

 

It just makes me wonder whether he gets, even now, what the term dealbreaker means. Is it that so many people don't have this as a dealbreaker than when someone actually does, people think they are crying wolf? Because it is a dealbreaker for me, and I feel it now as much as ever. I just know we won't get beyond this, and I don't know what more I could have done to tell him this. Now he's full of remorse and regret (and I believe it), but the fear this day would come clearly never stopped him before.

 

He threw away those years long before you did.

 

It frustrates me to see that he didn't even honor your feelings on the issue (especially since it comes from a sad childhood and has apparently affected you so much).

I'm really sorry that you're going through all this and I hope that you stick to your guns, because if you let him weasel his way back in by playing on your emotions and using the fact that you have a child together, then he'll do it again and again.

 

I'm sorry that his actions made you lose your ability to trust, and I hope that one day you can reclaim that.

 

Stay strong

 

**HUGS**

[stillafool]

I applaud you for your decision and strength. That is the dealbreaker for me as well. It was in relationships and now in my marriage. I know I can't get past being cheated on. What we had as a couple would be totally destroyed. I've been cheated on in my past by men I desperately loved, but when cheated on I can walk away and not look back.

 

I'm sure your husband is suffering terribly. When the cheater has been left by a person who will not look back sometimes they never really get over it. I'm sure you being his wife of 16 years and the mother of his 4 year old son, he probably wants to die. I know you didn't mean it to be but - never looking back is the best revenge.

[Kinder-Horror]

He may someday understand what the term deal breaker means... unfortunately it wont be with you - that is the thing about dealbreakers, there are no second chances with them. He can't say "Oh, now I know what you mean. Okay, I won't do it again." Because if you let him in again - he will do it again because you took him back. And if you don't take him back, the marriage is over.

 

It's really a lose-lose. But it's a lose-lose that HE brought upon your marriage, not you.

 

Stay strong.

[l_o_v_e]

When my husband I met, I made it clear to him that I would walk if he ever betrayed me. I come from a home completely destroyed by cheating (my father cheated on my mother and left us without a cent, so I grew up hearing from her constantly that men can't be trusted and my father ruined her life). It did serious damage to my ability to trust, so I told my husband that I'd never recover if he cheated because I just bring too much baggage when it comes to trust. Four years later, we married, and I trusted him with all my heart, even though I didn't think I could ever do that. I gave him everything I had, told him everything, completely trusted him.

 

Well, here we are, 16 years later, and I'm spending our 12 wedding anniversary alone because he cheated and I found out three months ago.

I feel worse than I even imagined I would when we had those conversations early in our relationship. I fear I'll never trust anyone again.

 

What amazes me now is that he says he managed not to think about those early conversations during his cheating because he thought he had things under control and wouldn't do it. And even now, he can't believe we won't get back together again because he thinks I can't throw away the good years we had together (and we have a 4-yr-old).

 

It just makes me wonder whether he gets, even now, what the term dealbreaker means. Is it that so many people don't have this as a dealbreaker than when someone actually does, people think they are crying wolf? Because it is a dealbreaker for me, and I feel it now as much as ever. I just know we won't get beyond this, and I don't know what more I could have done to tell him this. Now he's full of remorse and regret (and I believe it), but the fear this day would come clearly never stopped him before.

 

 

I told my ex husband the same thing when we got married, "You cheat, I'm gone" and 4 years and a 3 year old later, he cheats, and he was shocked when he came home from work and the house was empty! Ha!!! Been divorced for two years now, and with a Man who has not cheated on me, and never will. Honestly, my ex husband as tried to get back with me, and I'm sorry, I know I can not get past the hurt, and the worry that if I take him back, he would surely do it again. He didn't use a condom, so I got an STD from his f*ck Up.

 

good luck, and value yourself no matter what!!!

[nofool4u]

And even now, he can't believe we won't get back together again because he thinks I can't throw away the good years we had together (and we have a 4-yr-old).

 

you tell him that you aren't the one that thew it away, HE did.

 

this is a mentally abusive ploy used by cheaters. try to make you think that it is YOU that will break up the family, that it is YOU that is throwing it all away.

 

sorry, its the cheater.

 

 

It just makes me wonder whether he gets, even now, what the term dealbreaker means. Is it that so many people don't have this as a dealbreaker than when someone actually does, people think they are crying wolf? Because it is a dealbreaker for me, and I feel it now as much as ever.

 

as it should be. you said you fear you will never trust anyone again. Well i can tell you that you can trust again, just not your cheating dog of a husband.

 

 

I just know we won't get beyond this, and I don't know what more I could have done to tell him this. Now he's full of remorse and regret (and I believe it), but the fear this day would come clearly never stopped him before.

 

he is only full of remorse and regret for what he stands to lose. being with his kids on a daily basis, money, house retirement. Otherwise, he'd love to still be having sex with other women.

[norajane]

I think some men hear "dealbreaker" and think "Ok, I'd better do a damned good job of not getting caught."

[Afishwithabike]

You sound like a very strong woman who has been forced to deal with a lot because of your husband's horrible, selfish choices. You seem very confident in your own abilities. You don't seem dependent on him at all so really the ball is in your court. If this is a dealbreaker (and it would be for me), a dealbreaker it is. You don't need to be guilt tripped by him into staying. After all, he didn't act very married and very much like a father when he had his affair, did he?

 

I haven't dealt with infidelity, but I've seen close friends experience it. I think many WS never "get it". You've been hurt beyond belief and you will have that hurt for the rest of your life though time may erode some of the rawness of it. Unless it happens to him, I doubt he would ever get the pain of it. A revenge affair isn't the same and I know you weren't talking about an RA.

Edited October 13, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[robf1971]

I think some men hear "dealbreaker" and think "Ok, I'd better do a damned good job of not getting caught."

 

And sadly, judging my more than 50% of the stories on here, so do women.

[Farrah]

mine cheated on me with several women for the one year I was with him. I recently got into his cell.Then he hit me for the second time and threw me out. You really think I have a man that loves me since I forgave him?

Lol...really u love someone so much and then one lie , then another, then another abuse physical verbal, missing nights , sleeping in another room , webcan , chat, facebook,not sure if I feel anything towards him anymore...go with your gut thats all Ill say.

 

When my husband I met, I made it clear to him that I would walk if he ever betrayed me. I come from a home completely destroyed by cheating (my father cheated on my mother and left us without a cent, so I grew up hearing from her constantly that men can't be trusted and my father ruined her life). It did serious damage to my ability to trust, so I told my husband that I'd never recover if he cheated because I just bring too much baggage when it comes to trust. Four years later, we married, and I trusted him with all my heart, even though I didn't think I could ever do that. I gave him everything I had, told him everything, completely trusted him.

 

Well, here we are, 16 years later, and I'm spending our 12 wedding anniversary alone because he cheated and I found out three months ago.

I feel worse than I even imagined I would when we had those conversations early in our relationship. I fear I'll never trust anyone again.

 

What amazes me now is that he says he managed not to think about those early conversations during his cheating because he thought he had things under control and wouldn't do it. And even now, he can't believe we won't get back together again because he thinks I can't throw away the good years we had together (and we have a 4-yr-old).

 

It just makes me wonder whether he gets, even now, what the term dealbreaker means. Is it that so many people don't have this as a dealbreaker than when someone actually does, people think they are crying wolf? Because it is a dealbreaker for me, and I feel it now as much as ever. I just know we won't get beyond this, and I don't know what more I could have done to tell him this. Now he's full of remorse and regret (and I believe it), but the fear this day would come clearly never stopped him before.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I applaud you for your decision and strength. That is the dealbreaker for me as well. It was in relationships and now in my marriage. I know I can't get past being cheated on. What we had as a couple would be totally destroyed. I've been cheated on in my past by men I desperately loved, but when cheated on I can walk away and not look back.

 

I'm sure your husband is suffering terribly. When the cheater has been left by a person who will not look back sometimes they never really get over it. I'm sure you being his wife of 16 years and the mother of his 4 year old son, he probably wants to die. I know you didn't mean it to be but - never looking back is the best revenge.

 

I totally agree with this post and I congratulate you for sticking to your guns. If more women would be like that, more men would understand that unless they behave like a responsible they will lose the privilege of being around beautiful, smart, loving women.

 

These guys think they can get away with it. By showing him he can't he will learn a valuable lesson.

 

I will say the same if I have a new relationship in the future. I will tell the guy that if he ever behaves inappropriately with another woman the relationship is over. No second chances. I have given plenty of them in my life and I rarely have seen anyone appreciate it.

I will walk away without any regret (apart from having wasted my time). I am financially independent and will never mix my assets with those of another person. So the only damage that will be done will be my broken heart.

[nyrias2]

I think some men hear "dealbreaker" and think "Ok, I'd better do a damned good job of not getting caught."

 

Better yet .. hear "dealbreaker" and think "Ok, we will see about that..."

 

Most women are not stupid enough to admit it is NOT a deal-breaker when it isn't. How many tell their H that it is a deal breaker and back down on that threat after D Day?

[aloneinnyc]

Better yet .. hear "dealbreaker" and think "Ok, we will see about that..."

 

Most women are not stupid enough to admit it is NOT a deal-breaker when it isn't. How many tell their H that it is a deal breaker and back down on that threat after D Day?

 

I think you are probably right. He must have somehow thought that in a worst-case scenario where he did get caught, it wouldn't mean the end of our marriage because I'd think about the good years, and we'd work through it. It's strange for him to bank on that, though, because if I have one personality trait that everyone who knows me is aware of, it's that I don't change my mind about big things. Ever. And he knows that more than anyone. I think it's finally starting to sink in now that he blew it because all he does is cry. I just wonder where the hell all the tears were when he was having a great time flirting and kissing the OW in his office. (He lost his job, too, so he clearly didn't understand the company's policy as a "dealbreaker" even though it was.)

[giantfan]

My wife of 17 years was hurt so bad from her fiancee when I met her. She told me how many times that he cheated on her and that she didn't trust anyone. Her friends told me she hated all men. We hit it off and I tell her that I never cheated on anyone and would never cheat on her. Fast foward to my 17 year, 3 kids. I have and will always be true to the promise I made to her. She has an affair for almost 1year with an old friend that reconnected with her through facebook. What shocks me is that I told myself that I would never stay with a cheater and that I am trying to work things out. I don't want to be away from my kids so for now I am still with her. If I didn't have kids, I would have left. One thing for sure is that trying to overcome her affair is the hardest thing that I have ever did.

[beenburned]

Yes, I was one that always said infidelity would be a dealbreaker.

At the time of D-Day, both of my children were very young and I was a SAHM.

 

My WH was very remorseful and begged for me to give him a second chance. Since I didn't really think he would follow through on all his promises, I got a part time job and went back to college.

 

By the time I finished, and had a good job where I knew I could support me and my children, we no longer needed to divorce.

 

He has never made me sorry that I gave him that chance. Now that we are approaching retirement we realize just how different our lives would be now if we had divorced.

[Eve]

Yes, I was one that always said infidelity would be a dealbreaker.

At the time of D-Day, both of my children were very young and I was a SAHM.

 

My WH was very remorseful and begged for me to give him a second chance. Since I didn't really think he would follow through on all his promises, I got a part time job and went back to college.

 

By the time I finished, and had a good job where I knew I could support me and my children, we no longer needed to divorce.

 

He has never made me sorry that I gave him that chance. Now that we are approaching retirement we realize just how different our lives would be now if we had divorced.

 

I am really glad that things worked out for you both.

 

 

Take care,

Eve x

[nyrias2]

I think you are probably right. He must have somehow thought that in a worst-case scenario where he did get caught, it wouldn't mean the end of our marriage because I'd think about the good years, and we'd work through it. It's strange for him to bank on that, though, because if I have one personality trait that everyone who knows me is aware of, it's that I don't change my mind about big things. Ever. And he knows that more than anyone. I think it's finally starting to sink in now that he blew it because all he does is cry. I just wonder where the hell all the tears were when he was having a great time flirting and kissing the OW in his office. (He lost his job, too, so he clearly didn't understand the company's policy as a "dealbreaker" even though it was.)

 

You only think from your personal point of view. For many other women (just look at the posts in this thread), a "dealbreaker" is not a deal breaker. They may say it, but they took their WS back anyway.

 

So you can't blame men for not taking it seriously.

[2sure]

If Your husband cheating on you is your personal Dealbreaker, above all else, and you end the marriage....I dont think you will ever regret it.

 

I just would ask that, you think long and hard and make sure that this is your own personal Dealbreaker and not one you created because of your parents and because of your Moms reactions and circumstances. I get that you brought specific baggage. You inherited specific baggage. I respect it. Still, we all have to put our baggage down occasionally because its a burden we might be better of without.

 

Cheating is a right and natural Dealbreaker for most people. And I agree with that. But...a lot of marriages overcome it. Maybe your marriage can, maybe it cant. But dont make the decision based on your parents. Doing that, you will regret.

[jnj express]

Hey alone---many cheaters think they can get away with it---w/out being caught, many think even tho you have zero tolerance---that because of the uphevel/kids/finances/giving up property/becoming single---that the betrayed won't file for D

 

It is up to you as the betrayed, what you want to put up with, or how you wanna spend the rest of your life

 

I guarantee you---there are thousands, upon thousands, of A's that end in immediate D, and you never read about them, cuz with zero tolerance, there is no need to go to a website and ask for help---the betrayed, just wants to be away from the cheater, RIGHT NOW

[Snowflower]

If Your husband cheating on you is your personal Dealbreaker, above all else, and you end the marriage....I dont think you will ever regret it.

 

I just would ask that, you think long and hard and make sure that this is your own personal Dealbreaker and not one you created because of your parents and because of your Moms reactions and circumstances. I get that you brought specific baggage. You inherited specific baggage. I respect it. Still, we all have to put our baggage down occasionally because its a burden we might be better of without.

 

Cheating is a right and natural Dealbreaker for most people. And I agree with that. But...a lot of marriages overcome it. Maybe your marriage can, maybe it cant. But dont make the decision based on your parents. Doing that, you will regret.

 

This is really an awesome observation! I hope it helps the OP as she decides what to do. Baggage, expectations that others have for us, etc....boy, those can weigh us down.

 

OP, while what happened to your parents influenced you and the person you grew up to be...it doesn't have to influence your life now and the decisions you make.

 

Very wise post, 2sure!

[nyrias2]

Cheating is a right and natural Dealbreaker for most people. And I agree with that. But...a lot of marriages overcome it. Maybe your marriage can, maybe it cant. But dont make the decision based on your parents. Doing that, you will regret.

 

 

Are you making it up or do you actually have statistics? Just by a non-scientific random reading of threads here .. a majority of BSes here seem to be given their WSes at least one chance, if not more.

 

So how is that a dealbreaker for most people. I just don't see any evidence for that statement.

[2sure]

Are you making it up or do you actually have statistics? Just by a non-scientific random reading of threads here .. a majority of BSes here seem to be given their WSes at least one chance, if not more.

 

So how is that a dealbreaker for most people. I just don't see any evidence for that statement.

 

Pulled it straight out of my a**.

[nyrias2]

Hey alone---many cheaters think they can get away with it---w/out being caught, many think even tho you have zero tolerance---that because of the uphevel/kids/finances/giving up property/becoming single---that the betrayed won't file for D

 

That is because they CAN get away with it.

 

http://www.squidoo.com/marital-infidelity-statistics

 

And I quote "Surprisingly most infidelities are not discovered as shown by only 2% being caught in the act by their partners with a majority 60% believing they got away. Only a very small portion of men about 6% actually confessed to their spouses about an affair. A staggering 50% surveyed said that they had at some point admitted to being unfaithful to their wives."

 

Furthermore, many BSes (just do a quite scan of the threads here) would give second or even third chances.

 

Lastly, many cheaters may not care about getting a divorce.

[jnj express]

They don't worry about D., cuz, as you say, they don't really think they will be caught, or if caught, they don't think the betrayed will actually file for D.

 

But look at the # is D.,s, due to adultery----so considering very few are poring their hearts out to us, there have got to be a lot of betrayed's going straight to D., and never looking back.