unodos1011 Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Last year my husband and I befriended a couple that lived across the street. I became pretty good friends with the wife because we are two military families (myself and her husband are enlisted) and I knew how hard it was for spouses to meet other people. I guess things between her and my husband got started around st patricks day. I invited her over because her husband works at night and she had a few drinks, well I started saying that I needed to get to bed because I had a work at 4am but she wouldn't leave and I didnt know how to come right out and tell her to go home. I sucked it up and went to bed while she stayed a bit longer. I could hear her and my hisband talking and laughing and eventually I got up and said it was time for her to leave. Believe me, hindsight is 20/20 and I KNOW that I shouldnt have gone to bed while they stayed up, but I really honestly trusted them both. What I now know: she began texting him late at night and eventually all throughout the day. This then led to feelings to develop between the two of them. I was so oblivious that she even started babysitting our son during the day. I started catching on to small things like my husband hiding his phone and getting mad if I even asked to use it, he was not affectionate to me AT ALL while she was around, and he would mention things that she had said to him about her to him marriage yet, she never talked to me about them. When I brought all of this up he assured me that she didn't hang out at the house when I wasn't there and that she may just open up to him because they're both "spouses" so he understands what she's going through and assured me that I would have to trust him to handle it if she started coming on to him. All of this while they were already emotionally involved. the final straw for me was when she was at my house helping me make baby shower invitations (oh yeah I was 8 months pregnant at this time). I had already told him that I felt like he didn't pay attention to me while she was around and he still refused to kiss me in front of her. Then I used the computer for a moment to turn in some online homework and I saw the way she was looking at him. She became chatty and giggly as he took my place making invitations. Two nights later he fell asleep with his phone on the floor and everything was confirmed. They were saying I love you, I miss you, he called her beautiful and she swore that if they were together he would never be alone. At that point, my heart absolutely broke. Just the day before I had told him that I felt like there was an attraction between the two of them and that we needed to find a new babysitter. It turned into an awful fight. As time passed after I confronted him on the texts, everything he told me turned out to be a lie. He said they didn't talk every day, the cell phone bill showed otherwise there were almost 9,500 texts sent and received in one month. She sent him over 60 pictures one month, but he swore they were pictures of our son and she said the same, after hassling him though he admitted they sent pics back and forth but says none were nude. He initially said the texts werent usually affectionate like the ones I read. Another lie. Now....I don't know what to do. We are having our baby next week and he has tried his best to work things out between us since I found out. In my head I feel like its too late, we had our problems before of course but he gave up on us and turned to her. How can I concentrate on our child when all I can do is think about how he betrayed me and wonder what else he is lying about. I guess I want to work on things if only for the sake of our children but I absolutely do not know how to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
sillysmart Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Of course you are having a hard time thinking of anything else. This is not your fault. This woman is a husband stealing whore. Your husband is a child who is confused right now and in the middle of the high of an affair. You need to set some clear boundaries and ask for coplete transparency from him. That means checking his phone whenever you want. Can you go to counseling? Can you move? There are many helpful posts here. Start getting some help reading up on Affairs. Don't blame yourself. Don't ask what you did wrong? But know there is hope to save your marriage but the pain and obsession you are feeling right now will eventually go away or at least lesson. I feel for you and being pregnant. I hope you have support. Talk to someone who will keep their mouth shut. See a counselor to sort out your feelings. I wish I could say something to help you but know you are not alone. Many women have been through this. YOu will survive and in the long run be better. God Bless and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I'm sorry you're going through this. How horrible. This kinda thing is my worst nightmare. I don't even know what to say. Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 You have to tell her husband. Your husband and her must stop all contact immediately. Please read these http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_exposed.html http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html Link to post Share on other sites
DarkPrince Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 That sucks. i feel really bad for you for what you are being put through. Yes hindsight is 20/20. I had the same type of thing develop right under my nose, but because I gave them the benefit of the doubt they took that as a sign that everything was A'OK. Its a good thing you discovered it so soon. You must tell her husband. Its not fair to him that he be left in the dark about something so important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unodos1011 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Thanks to those who responded. I guess what I was looking for is to understand whether this is normal or not. After I found the text messages I looked over the cell phone bill and realize just how much they were chatting. I absolutely can't stop! It changes my mood everytime I look at the messages but when I remember a certain event then it's like I HAVE to know if he was texting her and sure enough, there it is. Lord knows I believe he's trying to make things better but everytime he compliments me or tries to be nice, its stained because I know why things have changed. I want to know what they were saying so badly but all he says is that he could talk to her about "anything and everything". It drives me insane, im driving myself insane and I know if I don't stop what im doing then this relationship will never survive. Oh, and her husband knows as well. He is deployed at the moment so I know that he doesn't know the extent of it like I do but it seems to be a good thing because from what I hear, they're doing ok. I couldn't leave it alone so its harder for me to deal with, I just need to know where to go from here. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Thanks to those who responded. I guess what I was looking for is to understand whether this is normal or not. After I found the text messages I looked over the cell phone bill and realize just how much they were chatting. I absolutely can't stop! It changes my mood everytime I look at the messages but when I remember a certain event then it's like I HAVE to know if he was texting her and sure enough, there it is. Lord knows I believe he's trying to make things better but everytime he compliments me or tries to be nice, its stained because I know why things have changed. I want to know what they were saying so badly but all he says is that he could talk to her about "anything and everything". It drives me insane, im driving myself insane and I know if I don't stop what im doing then this relationship will never survive. Oh, and her husband knows as well. He is deployed at the moment so I know that he doesn't know the extent of it like I do but it seems to be a good thing because from what I hear, they're doing ok. I couldn't leave it alone so its harder for me to deal with, I just need to know where to go from here. It is perfectly normal to be still obsessing at this point. It is perfectly normal to not be able to let it go yet. Just a little over a month past Dday is NOTHING. It is no time at all. Studies have been sited that show it can take up to 5 years to completely recover from infidelity and people have posted here that they didn't begin to feel anything close to normal until they were 2 years out from dday. Give yourself a break. I know you want things to normalize but don't try to force yourself to get over it faster than you are able. Be true to how you really feel, even if you are afraid that your feelings will make it impossible to recover. The way out of this is to go through it. There are no shortcuts. Stuffing down your feelings or trying to force yourself to "get over it" will just breed resentment. AND besides, your feelings are legitimate. They are justified. Your husband shouldn't get to hide from what he created. The man you loved and trusted betrayed you in the worse way. Of course you are hurt. Your husband dealt you the gravest disrespect. You ought to be good and damn pizzed off about it. You will get past it. But don't rush yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unodos1011 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 .It is perfectly normal to be still obsessing at this point. It is perfectly normal to not be able to let it go yet. Just a little over a month past Dday is NOTHING. It is no time at all. Studies have been sited that show it can take up to 5 years to completely recover from infidelity and people have posted here that they didn't begin to feel anything close to normal until they were 2 years out from dday. Give yourself a break. I know you want things to normalize but don't try to force yourself to get over it faster than you are able. Be true to how you really feel, even if you are afraid that your feelings will make it impossible to recover. The way out of this is to go through it. There are no shortcuts. Stuffing down your feelings or trying to force yourself to "get over it" will just breed resentment. AND besides, your feelings are legitimate. They are justified. Your husband shouldn't get to hide from what he created. The man you loved and trusted betrayed you in the worse way. Of course you are hurt. Your husband dealt you the gravest disrespect. You ought to be good and damn pizzed off about it. You will get past it. But don't rush yourself. since I found out what was going on I have read everything that I can get my hands on about affairs/emotional cheating and it all says the same thing u did. He complains to me that we've made no progression and that I still talk about it too much and focus on the wrong things. I don't know what progression is even suppose to be at this point Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 . since I found out what was going on I have read everything that I can get my hands on about affairs/emotional cheating and it all says the same thing u did. He complains to me that we've made no progression and that I still talk about it too much and focus on the wrong things. I don't know what progression is even suppose to be at this point That's him trying to rug-sweep............. You have EVERY right to take as much time as you need to process this. It may be that he doesn't want to hear about your pain, because he's ashamed of his actions. (as he should be....) The thing is--you won't be able to fully heal from this pain until he acknowledges, and truly OWNS the fact that caused it. He needs to realize that HE created this mess in your in M. This wasn't a simple mistake, it was willful deception and betrayal........... It's time for him to do some heavy lifting to restore your trust Please don't allow him to treat your pain dismissively, or try to minimize it. Repressing it will only lead to resentment further down the road. I'm so sorry for what you're going through---my heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 It'll be a challenge, but in this instance you must put aside these intense feelings and focus on you. There is simply too much at stake to waste time on this arsehole. After the baby is born and you're rested, you can act. I know your instincts are telling you otherwise, but the best thing for now (and later) is to let this man go. Just turn him loose with instructions to do what makes him happy. Understand that no amount of talking, pressuring, watching or spying is going to change his mindset. The only person capable of doing that is him. Living a life of wondering what, where and with whom is not living; it's a prison sentence. Does that sound like happiness to you? Only if he comes to you apologetically and swears he loves only you and is willing to do what's necessary to restore your marriage should you consider taking him back. By that time, you may feel he isn't worth the trouble...and yes, even if you sincerely love him. It must go both ways. Normally, I suggest asking the cheater to pack and leave, but in this case I think it is you who should go. You need to be in a place where you're being cared for and looked after. Maybe your mother, sister or another family member? A dear friend perhaps? Just leave to go there. Leave him now. Please take care. This is a great place for support and a friendly ear. Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) Has he STOPPED contacting the other woman? If not, that is why you are not progressing. edited to add: sorry for the curt reply. I am angry at your husband and wandering spouses in general Edited September 21, 2011 by keepsmilin74 added Link to post Share on other sites
Author unodos1011 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Has he STOPPED contacting the other woman? If not, that is why you are not progressing. edited to add: sorry for the curt reply. I am angry at your husband and wandering spouses in general That's ok I didn't take it as harsh. Yes, as far as I know, he has. I keep waiting for that moment though, expecting that I will find out he hasn't. He's been very open with his phone, facebook account, and email. I feel like he is trying to make things work with us...im just hurt and keep expecting the worst. I basically introduced her to everyone she knows on base and she has told at least one of our friends that she would come to our house and hang out with him every day while I was at work, he was teaching her to play guitar, and that he wrote her songs. He swears these are all lies and seems angry with her, he said he has taken blame for his part but that she has thrown him under the bus. I really hope that she is lying and that he stays angry so that they hopefully stay apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Osiris1234 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Don't take this the wrong way but are you cheating as well? I know alot of military women who can easily cheat cause you have so many opportunities and since the military is full of guys around you 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unodos1011 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Don't take this the wrong way but are you cheating as well? I know alot of military women who can easily cheat cause you have so many opportunities and since the military is full of guys around you 24/7. No, absolutely not. We did struggle in the beginning of our marriage because I am a cop which is especially male dominated. I was never emotionally attached to anyone or hid any friendships from my husband but I believe that me having male friends at work possibly contributed to the current situation. Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 I wouldn't expect you to stop hurting in one month... don't feel bad about that, and he should acknowledge that it will take time to regain your trust and love, and not get critical about lack of progress. :/ As it seems lack of time together was your main problem before, that's probably what you need to work on to rebuild your marriage. It will be difficult with work and children involved but necessary. Marriagebuilders suggests 15 hours of undivided attention per week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unodos1011 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Sorry to keep this post going but today is especially hard on me. We're heading to the hospital in about 2 hours for an induction....hubby is especially distant today. He says hes tired and has a lot on his mind. Per usual, im having a hard time concentrating on anything but the EA. Im wondering if he would have been talking to her today if they hadnt been caught. I would like to think it would be a special day but no other day was ever off limits, even our best ones. Its irrelevant now I know, but I almost don't want him there with me. He said the other night that he needs to feel needed, after I talked to my counselor yesterday she said that today would be the perfect time to let him know that I need him there for me, I expressed this to him but he wont even look me in the eyes. I don't need him, I never will because in three years of marriage I have yet to be able to rely on him. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Sorry to keep this post going but today is especially hard on me. We're heading to the hospital in about 2 hours for an induction....hubby is especially distant today. He says hes tired and has a lot on his mind. Per usual, im having a hard time concentrating on anything but the EA. Im wondering if he would have been talking to her today if they hadnt been caught. I would like to think it would be a special day but no other day was ever off limits, even our best ones. Its irrelevant now I know, but I almost don't want him there with me. He said the other night that he needs to feel needed, after I talked to my counselor yesterday she said that today would be the perfect time to let him know that I need him there for me, I expressed this to him but he wont even look me in the eyes. I don't need him, I never will because in three years of marriage I have yet to be able to rely on him. ((((unodos1011)))) Sorry you are dealing with this mess at what should be a very special time for you. Congratulations on the new baby! Hope you both are doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts