Reconciliation after divorce?

[1_hangininthere]

About 3 years ago my spouse had an affair that, I believe, lasted 7 months. After Dday, we reconciled, went to counseling and I thought we did everything we were supposed to do to save the marriage. Ten months after the discovery of the affair his job (military) took him to another state. Due to financial obligations, my job, and our three boys, I decided to stay in our home. Keep in mind he was only going to be away from the family for a year, and then he would come back to our state. With that in mind, it would have been very difficult to uproot the whole family. Not long after he left he became very chummy with two girls who were not married. Long story short, I felt something was either going on or would be soon. Rather than go through the headache and heartache of another affair, I left him. A year and a half later we divorced.

 

I have always been plagued with the idea that maybe this time was different. Maybe he wasn't cheating. Maybe... Maybe... Maybe. Of course in the interest of brevity I have not given all the details of why I believed he might be having an affair. Believe me there were many signs and given past history, I knew what he was capable of.

 

Jump forward to present, one year post divorce. I hate to admit it, but I miss him. He was a good father and husband (of course if you don't consider the infidelity.). He has told me he would do anything to reconcile the marriage and he believes it would be in everyone's best interest. The story is sort of complicated, but I am struggling with my feelings for him. I miss my marriage and him. I was happy. I guess he wasn't.

 

Here's my question: After this much time and a couple affairs on his part and my own mistakes, what is the likelihood that we could successfully reconcile? Does anyone have success stories of trying again after this much time has passed? Do I miss him or the security of a marriage? Where would we even begin if we were to try again? Am I just asking for more heartache?

 

What are your thoughts?

[Afishwithabike]

I can't speak to the infidelity or reconciliation aspect since I don't have too much personal knowledge about those issues. However, I know people reconcile and remarry after divorce. I know a couple who divorced over twenty years earlier then they each remarried other people, divorced them after so many years of marriage, and ended up getting married to each other again about 35 years after they first got married! They have an adult child who is very happy to see them back together. It's strange, but the time apart seems to have helped the couple.

 

Anything is possible if two people are willing.

[Miky]

About 3 years ago my spouse had an affair that, I believe, lasted 7 months. After Dday, we reconciled, went to counseling and I thought we did everything we were supposed to do to save the marriage. Ten months after the discovery of the affair his job (military) took him to another state. Due to financial obligations, my job, and our three boys, I decided to stay in our home. Keep in mind he was only going to be away from the family for a year, and then he would come back to our state. With that in mind, it would have been very difficult to uproot the whole family. Not long after he left he became very chummy with two girls who were not married. Long story short, I felt something was either going on or would be soon. Rather than go through the headache and heartache of another affair, I left him. A year and a half later we divorced.

 

I have always been plagued with the idea that maybe this time was different. Maybe he wasn't cheating. Maybe... Maybe... Maybe. Of course in the interest of brevity I have not given all the details of why I believed he might be having an affair. Believe me there were many signs and given past history, I knew what he was capable of.

 

Jump forward to present, one year post divorce. I hate to admit it, but I miss him. He was a good father and husband (of course if you don't consider the infidelity.). He has told me he would do anything to reconcile the marriage and he believes it would be in everyone's best interest. The story is sort of complicated, but I am struggling with my feelings for him. I miss my marriage and him. I was happy. I guess he wasn't.

 

Here's my question: After this much time and a couple affairs on his part and my own mistakes, what is the likelihood that we could successfully reconcile? Does anyone have success stories of trying again after this much time has passed? Do I miss him or the security of a marriage? Where would we even begin if we were to try again? Am I just asking for more heartache?

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

I am going to ask may be an obvious question here, but is your ex available at all ? , In many similar cases the "dumpee" normally moves on and either in new relationship or even remarries leaving the "dumper" with serious doubts similar to what you are experiencing.

 

I would say, if he is still available you must explore this with him,

Two possible outcomes IMHO, either he moved on or in serious relationship with another partner and does not want a relationship with you more then the minimum required for the kids(more likely situation based on statistics),or he still love you and would be happy to try again (not so common).

 

I was not able to fully understand his position from your post but I would definitely explore possibilities with him (if you truly wish to reconcile with him).

Edited September 5, 2011 by Miky

[seren]

Hi, I certainly know of people who have remarried following a divorce. The questions I would be asking myself would be, Was I looking at the marriage with rose coloured glasses? Could I begin a new relationship with XH, knowing the backstory? Could we both begin a new, better relationship knowing what we both had to lose and what losing it was like? Do I love him, as he is now and not who he was before the A? If the answer to those was a resounding yes, obviously with some hesitation due to past experience, then I would go for it, albeit slowly, starting with dating as though it was a brand new relationship. I would also have very firm boundaries in place.

 

I am of the mind that we only live once and that we owe it to ourselves to do whatever works for us, providing no other gets hurt in the process. If your children can be assured (as much as anyone can be) that this time it really will be different, then what do you have to lose by trying. I wish you all the very best x Does XH feel the same and does he know what has to be done for this to work?

[nyrias2]

No way would I reconcile with someone who destroyed our marriage.

 

You, obviously, do NOT represent all the BSes out there. There are examples of reconciliation, just on this site.

[carhill]

Here's my question: After this much time and a couple affairs on his part and my own mistakes, what is the likelihood that we could successfully reconcile?

IMO, it depends whether the mutual love is dead or alive as well as what each party has learned from the choices made and whether the results of this learning has fostered and/or maintained compatibility. Likelihood is unknown.

 

Does anyone have success stories of trying again after this much time has passed?

I have no personal anecdotes to share but I have read some stories on LS over the years. I believe reconciliation, or the beginning of a completely new and different relationship, with a former spouse is possible at any time in life.

Do I miss him or the security of a marriage?

Unknown. For myself, regardless of circumstances, the largest cogent loss for myself was who I was when I loved as a married person. Your path is your own. I've always been quite secure on my own and enjoy living alone. I could envision missing my exW so that's possible but not a factor in our case.

 

Where would we even begin if we were to try again?

Learning the tools to accept the past, learn from the past and leave the past in the past. If exH is a serial cheater, he should have a year or two of consistent psychological help with that issue IMO.

Am I just asking for more heartache?

Unknown. Each situation is different. I think, if you both show work on your prior issues and growth from them and mutual love remains, then potential heartache is a risk I would accept. If other, my confidence in such heartache would be high. Unknown whether such would be a detriment to yourself or not. Each of us handles emotional pain differently.

 

Best wishes in your decision.

[Woman In Blue]

As another poster pointed out, it sounds as though you're re-writing history and romanticizing your marriage. We've ALL been known to do that..once we're out of the fire, we start looking back at things with rose-colored glasses and talk ourselves into believing that things were actually good and we compromise our own belief system by brushing the 'bad' under the rug and overlooking it.

 

The fact STILL remains that your ex-husband was a cheater and had serious boundary issues. His disgusting behavior was serious enough for you to LEAVE him rather than hang around and have the rug yanked out from under you - AGAIN. I think you were very smart not to sacrifice any MORE of your integrity and self-worth by sticking around for more of his crap.

 

Do you think he's suddenly changed and has done a 180, and he's now a choir boy? People like him don't really change, and if you think it's going to be Shangri-la if you two did get back together again, I think you'd be in for a horrible let down. The problem with rose-colored glasses is that they don't allow you to see the RED flags, OP.

[Cavery5]

I am going through a similar situation right now but Instead of me leaving my wife for her infidelity she is leaving me... I think its because of the guilt. I have been with my wife for 5 years and I found out she was involved with a "friend" of mine about a year ago and then about 2 months ago she was having an affair with a guy she works with. I love my wife very much and I was willing to try to go through counseling but she isn't willing. She only left 2 months ago and I miss her and my 1 year daughter more then anything. I really would like to know if that would be possible. I know what it feels like to deal with infidelity and I am really sorry you had to do the same. I am hopeful of a better future and I hope its with my family. I think that if you love him and you really believe you two could make it work then I say go for it, my aunt and uncle got remarried after almost 20 years of being divorced. My only advice that I could give would be to tread lightly before getting remarried, do some counseling, take some time to get to know each other again, and let time and love be the deciding factor. Again, I am sorry this has all happened and I hope you figure it out.