Asking for Experiences with Reconciliation (or failure in reconciliation)

[superpunk]

For people who have reconciled, or people for whom reconciliation didn't work out (who also felt that they had a good marriage before being cheated on - sorry if that's a rather specific selection set lol);

 

Is it possible to ever get what you had back? Or is that former relationship dead forever?

 

Is it possible to ever get back the mental image you had of your spouse pre-affair? Or is that tainted forever?

 

Is it possible to have disagreements in the future where the first retort that pops into your head (whether you verbalize it or not) is some sort of variation on "well maybe you should have thought about that before you did what you did"?

 

 

 

 

I don't know, just looking for some feedback here. I really thought my marriage was the greatest thing ever, and I would have done anything to protect it. It hurts really bad that my wife didn't feel the same, or that it wasn't important enough to her to take the steps to protect it from harm, no matter how much those scared her. I feel like even if we do reconcile, the best I can ever hope for is that I don't think about the affair, betrayal, what it says/said about her as a person frequently - and that when it does happen I can get past it. Obviously it's never going away, it's something that happened...I'm just really nervous about my ability to deal with it going forward if I attempt to reconcile.

 

Alot of times I feel I'd rather, or be better off, just moving forward with someone else, a relationship where there wouldn't be this enormous black cloud hanging over the past. Other times I feel if I could just get what we had back, it would all be worth it. Other times I just feel like being a hermit for the rest of my life. Really, I'm just ridiculously confused. So any help and insight from people with experience with what it's like would be appreciated. Thanks.

Edited June 8, 2011 by superpunk

[What_Next]

Oh boy did you open a pandora's box here!! I can't wait to hear from JMK or MR on this one. This ought to be fun.

 

 

Is it possible to ever get what you had back? Or is that former relationship dead forever?

 

No, not in my opinion. The old marriage is over, done, finished. A new relationship can be built if both parties are willing though. Again my OWN views only, no generalizations.

 

Is it possible to ever get back the mental image you had of your spouse pre-affair? Or is that tainted forever?

 

No, not for me. I will always think of my wife differently. That's not to say badly, just differently.

 

Is it possible to have disagreements in the future where the first retort that pops into your head (whether you verbalize it or not) is some sort of variation on "well maybe you should have thought about that before you did what you did"?

 

Yes, and in fact it needs to occur. This will take time, sometimes a LOT of time.

 

Again I state these are MY views, and my VIEWS alone. I won't debate them as they are my own.

 

Let the fun begin now

[superpunk]

No, not for me. I will always think of my wife differently. That's not to say badly, just differently.

 

Can you go further if you're comfortable? I'm guessing you reconciled? Sorry not familiar with your story.

[Snowflower]

Just some quick thoughts as I don't have much time right now...

 

My H and I successfully reconciled after his infidelity but that shouldn't mean squat to you because everyone is different...and every reconciliation-even successful ones-- are vastly different from one another.

 

A couple of questions for you...

 

How long has it been that you've known about your wife's affair?

 

How is she acting toward you NOW? Is she remorseful, cut all contact with the other man, and being honest with you?

 

In a nutshell, you likely won't fully know if your marriage will make it or not or whether you can ever get past it for quite awhile. Don't assume your feelings now will be the same in a few months. It took me about two years before I really knew that I had done the right thing.

 

It's why I caution waiting at least a year if you can before making any huge decisions because your feelings will change and then change again many times over the next months.

 

All those differing emotions about the future that you describe are perfectly normal.

 

It's okay not to know what you want to do right now. You can ask any of us here what we went through and the decisions we made but it won't have any bearing on your situation.

 

The best way for you to know is to take your time and think it through.

 

A lot of it will depend on your wife's behavior now. Does she want to save the marriage? Where are her thoughts? It will take both of you to save this.

[superpunk]

Just some quick thoughts as I don't have much time right now...

 

My H and I successfully reconciled after his infidelity but that shouldn't mean squat to you because everyone is different...and every reconciliation-even successful ones-- are vastly different from one another.

 

A couple of questions for you...

 

How long has it been that you've known about your wife's affair?

 

How is she acting toward you NOW? Is she remorseful, cut all contact with the other man, and being honest with you?

 

Yes to all of it. There's nothing really she could be doing any better, or more appropriately.

 

In a nutshell, you likely won't fully know if your marriage will make it or not or whether you can ever get past it for quite awhile. Don't assume your feelings now will be the same in a few months. It took me about two years before I really knew that I had done the right thing.

 

It's why I caution waiting at least a year if you can before making any huge decisions because your feelings will change and then change again many times over the next months.

 

I think that's wise advice, but that's also why I'm so nervous about it. It seems like it's basically putting your life in a holding pattern for two years or so before you get on with your plans. I'm 27 now, I know that's not old but I would like to do things like start having kids relatively soon. Obviously that's not in the cards anytime soon if I were to start a relationship with someone else - but it seems like with reconciliation we're talking giving it years before I can really decide what I want to do, and then it still may not work out and I'm right back where I am now.

 

All those differing emotions about the future that you describe are perfectly normal.

 

It's okay not to know what you want to do right now. You can ask any of us here what we went through and the decisions we made but it won't have any bearing on your situation.

 

I know. Just trying to draw off other people's experiences. Thanks.

[What_Next]

Superpunk we are in the midst of attempting a reconciliation. My story is a little complex, but I will summarize it. My wife and I are in our mid-30's, one pre-teen child. We had been together for 15 plus years, married for around 6 (I think). We drifted because of a variety of reasons, she had an affair, I had a revenge affair. We seperated for a time. About 6 months ago we decided to give it a go.

 

It's VERY early into it for us, and it has been very very hard, but thus far worth it.

 

Are there any specifics that your would like to know about?

 

Discussing it before you decide to attempt any reconciliation is a fantastic idea.

 

You say you don't have children right now? I don't know your story, could you give the cliff notes version? I'll have to admit that our child weighed heavily on my decision to attempt a recovery.

[N.A.]

Your reconciliation at this point is going to depend on you and you alone. Of course there are numerous variables, however the only thing you can depend on right now is how you FEEL.

 

If you still love her enough to work it out, then work it out. If not then you may want to let it go.

[OldOnTheInside]

For people who have reconciled, or people for whom reconciliation didn't work out (who also felt that they had a good marriage before being cheated on - sorry if that's a rather specific selection set lol);

 

Is it possible to ever get what you had back? Or is that former relationship dead forever? The dynamic of your relationship will be changed forever...

 

Is it possible to ever get back the mental image you had of your spouse pre-affair? Or is that tainted forever? You'll look at your partner differently for the rest of your life.

 

Is it possible to have disagreements in the future where the first retort that pops into your head (whether you verbalize it or not) is some sort of variation on "well maybe you should have thought about that before you did what you did"? Yes, yes it is.

 

This is one of those things where both you and your wife must swallow your pride and kick your egos into the backseat. Constant communication is important. If you do make progress, expect it to be slow. Prepare for unpleasant images and thoughts to cross your mind. Expect this issue to come back to you again and again, in some way or form, even when you say that you are over it, for the rest of your life. Expect the possibility that your wife's words and actions will be dissonant. Expect happy days and sad days. Understand, that one thought that will cross your own mind is "I've moved on without you". Expect a stronger relationship if things do work out. Expect a completely miserable time if things don't work out. Expect no guarantees of a happy ending, in fact, the statistics are against you.

 

^Maybe the above sounds overly negative and melodramatic...but I'm not going to whitewash what you are going through, or my own experiences. When it comes to reconciliation, "love" isn't enough.

[What_Next]

When it comes to reconciliation, "love" isn't enough.

 

VERY wise words, well spoken.

 

It ISN'T enough all by itself. Any reconciliation will take a monumental effort from both parties and if EITHER one is not 100% ready for it, then don't bother. Walk away.

 

Don't rush into ANYTHING, period. Take your time and make the right choice for YOU.

[Snowflower]

Yes to all of it. There's nothing really she could be doing any better, or more appropriately.

 

Very good!

 

 

I think that's wise advice, but that's also why I'm so nervous about it. It seems like it's basically putting your life in a holding pattern for two years or so before you get on with your plans. I'm 27 now, I know that's not old but I would like to do things like start having kids relatively soon. Obviously that's not in the cards anytime soon if I were to start a relationship with someone else - but it seems like with reconciliation we're talking giving it years before I can really decide what I want to do, and then it still may not work out and I'm right back where I am now.

 

Well then your concern about waiting for two years before you know is something that you should consider as you move forward.

 

There is no way to hurry this process along, not matter how much you may want to. It is going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort. You simply can't rush this and if you try to, it will set you even further behind.

 

Only you can decide if it is worth it to you to try.

 

Another thing to consider since you don't have children and are still young--is to go ahead and divorce your wife now. I know, I know, I said that you should wait awhile to be sure and I still believe that. However, if you're concerned about the amount of time it will take then take some time and explore life on your own.

 

Who knows, maybe you and your wife will decide to try it again after you've each had some time to think about it and live your own lives for awhile. And if it doesn't work out that you and your wife end up reunited, then you don't feel that you've been in a holding pattern for two years.

 

What do you think?

I know. Just trying to draw off other people's experiences. Thanks.

 

Well, would you like to know anything specific from someone (me) who has been in your shoes?

 

Cliffnotes version of my story: It was 2.5, almost 3 years ago now. My husband cheated with a work colleague of his and it was a very brief affair. Nothing as bad as I frequently read here.

 

He confessed what he had done and after a very brief separation we reconciled. We did very well for that first year and then the second year we had serious problems...and even separated for about 6 weeks. We did reconcile though and we have done very well ever since.

[superpunk]

This is one of those things where both you and your wife must swallow your pride and kick your egos into the backseat. Constant communication is important. If you do make progress, expect it to be slow. Prepare for unpleasant images and thoughts to cross your mind. Expect this issue to come back to you again and again, in some way or form, even when you say that you are over it, for the rest of your life. Expect the possibility that your wife's words and actions will be dissonant. Expect happy days and sad days. Understand, that one thought that will cross your own mind is "I've moved on without you". Expect a stronger relationship if things do work out. Expect a completely miserable time if things don't work out. Expect no guarantees of a happy ending, in fact, the statistics are against you.

 

What statistics?

 

^Maybe the above sounds overly negative and melodramatic...but I'm not going to whitewash what you are going through, or my own experiences. When it comes to reconciliation, "love" isn't enough.

 

No it's ok. I understand. Thanks for your input.

[superpunk]

VERY wise words, well spoken.

 

It ISN'T enough all by itself. Any reconciliation will take a monumental effort from both parties and if EITHER one is not 100% ready for it, then don't bother. Walk away.

 

Don't rush into ANYTHING, period. Take your time and make the right choice for YOU.

 

I do think I'm rushing things now and again simply because I feel like I need to make a decision, to either commit to working on it or move on. At the same time, I feel like whatever decision I make is going to be a poor one, because I'm definitely not in my right mind right now.

 

The thing that bums me out most is that there is no decision where I win. If I decide to move on, I lose the person I love more than anyone else because I can't deal....If I decide to stay, I've got to deal with this black cloud over or around the relationship for the rest of my life. It feels like no matter what I choose, I lose - and that's not fair.

[superpunk]

Very good!

 

 

 

 

Well then your concern about waiting for two years before you know is something that you should consider as you move forward.

 

There is no way to hurry this process along, not matter how much you may want to. It is going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort. You simply can't rush this and if you try to, it will set you even further behind.

 

Only you can decide if it is worth it to you to try.

 

Another thing to consider since you don't have children and are still young--is to go ahead and divorce your wife now. I know, I know, I said that you should wait awhile to be sure and I still believe that. However, if you're concerned about the amount of time it will take then take some time and explore life on your own.

 

Who knows, maybe you and your wife will decide to try it again after you've each had some time to think about it and live your own lives for awhile. And if it doesn't work out that you and your wife end up reunited, then you don't feel that you've been in a holding pattern for two years.

 

What do you think?

 

Honestly that was my first thought when all this happened. My gut instinct. I said I need to be alone, we need to be separate ... I need to just rebuild myself and see what else is out there. But I've since been talked out of that concept.

 

 

Well, would you like to know anything specific from someone (me) who has been in your shoes?

 

Cliffnotes version of my story: It was 2.5, almost 3 years ago now. My husband cheated with a work colleague of his and it was a very brief affair. Nothing as bad as I frequently read here.

 

He confessed what he had done and after a very brief separation we reconciled. We did very well for that first year and then the second year we had serious problems...and even separated for about 6 weeks. We did reconcile though and we have done very well ever since.

 

Just the answers to my questions above. I just want to know what it's like.

[reboot]

In a nutshell, it's very, very hard, and you both have to want it very, very badly. Your old marriage is dead, you have to build a new one. Can it be done? I believe it can. I wasn't successful, but I'll never regret trying.

[Owl]

This is one of those things where both you and your wife must swallow your pride and kick your egos into the backseat. Constant communication is important. If you do make progress, expect it to be slow. Prepare for unpleasant images and thoughts to cross your mind. Expect this issue to come back to you again and again, in some way or form, even when you say that you are over it, for the rest of your life. Expect the possibility that your wife's words and actions will be dissonant. Expect happy days and sad days. Understand, that one thought that will cross your own mind is "I've moved on without you". Expect a stronger relationship if things do work out. Expect a completely miserable time if things don't work out. Expect no guarantees of a happy ending, in fact, the statistics are against you.

 

^Maybe the above sounds overly negative and melodramatic...but I'm not going to whitewash what you are going through, or my own experiences. When it comes to reconciliation, "love" isn't enough.

 

Solid post. I completely agree with this.

[OldOnTheInside]

What statistics?

 

As I recall, according to a study brought up in a previous thread, the rate for successful reconciliations after an affair is around 35%.

 

I dunno, google it I guess. Sorry.

[drifter777]

For people who have reconciled, or people for whom reconciliation didn't work out (who also felt that they had a good marriage before being cheated on - sorry if that's a rather specific selection set lol);

 

Is it possible to ever get what you had back? Or is that former relationship dead forever?

 

Is it possible to ever get back the mental image you had of your spouse pre-affair? Or is that tainted forever?

 

Is it possible to have disagreements in the future where the first retort that pops into your head (whether you verbalize it or not) is some sort of variation on "well maybe you should have thought about that before you did what you did"?

 

 

 

 

I don't know, just looking for some feedback here. I really thought my marriage was the greatest thing ever, and I would have done anything to protect it. It hurts really bad that my wife didn't feel the same, or that it wasn't important enough to her to take the steps to protect it from harm, no matter how much those scared her. I feel like even if we do reconcile, the best I can ever hope for is that I don't think about the affair, betrayal, what it says/said about her as a person frequently - and that when it does happen I can get past it. Obviously it's never going away, it's something that happened...I'm just really nervous about my ability to deal with it going forward if I attempt to reconcile.

 

Alot of times I feel I'd rather, or be better off, just moving forward with someone else, a relationship where there wouldn't be this enormous black cloud hanging over the past. Other times I feel if I could just get what we had back, it would all be worth it. Other times I just feel like being a hermit for the rest of my life. Really, I'm just ridiculously confused. So any help and insight from people with experience with what it's like would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

Based on your questions it seems to me that you are looking for a miracle to happen that erases all memories and moves the clock back to pre-affair. I understand that this would be wonderful, but it's not reality and you need to face that fact.

 

Since you don't have kids together, why do you continue to struggle so much with your decision to divorce? If you attempt to reconcile, that enormous black cloud you speak of is going to get larger and darker long before things get better - and there's no guarantee things will get better. Why put yourself through this hell? You have a rare opportunity for a second chance and I urge you to take advantage of it and move on with your life. Learn from this fiasco and make better choices next time.

 

I wish you well.

[Afishwithabike]

I don't know, just looking for some feedback here. I really thought my marriage was the greatest thing ever, and I would have done anything to protect it. It hurts really bad that my wife didn't feel the same, or that it wasn't important enough to her to take the steps to protect it from harm, no matter how much those scared her. I feel like even if we do reconcile, the best I can ever hope for is that I don't think about the affair, betrayal, what it says/said about her as a person frequently - and that when it does happen I can get past it. Obviously it's never going away, it's something that happened...I'm just really nervous about my ability to deal with it going forward if I attempt to reconcile.

 

Alot of times I feel I'd rather, or be better off, just moving forward with someone else, a relationship where there wouldn't be this enormous black cloud hanging over the past. Other times I feel if I could just get what we had back, it would all be worth it. Other times I just feel like being a hermit for the rest of my life. Really, I'm just ridiculously confused. So any help and insight from people with experience with what it's like would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

If you thought your marriage was the greatest thing ever why did you suggest to your wife that you have an open marriage? You opened a Pandora's Box with that suggestion. My understanding is that you even told your best friend about it and then you were hurt when he decided to pursue your wife who apparently went along because she was afraid of losing you.

 

Your pain comes through your posts, but I just don't understand the thought process that led you to suggest an open marriage if your marriage was already so great.

 

For what it's worth, I truly hope you both come to a place that's healing and good for you both. Only you two know what that is.

[silktricks]

Is it possible to ever get what you had back? Or is that former relationship dead forever?

I don't know that you want to get back to what you had. After all, one of you cheated for a reason. Something wasn't working right for somebody I (personally) would not view the former relationship as dead, it's just morphed.

 

Is it possible to ever get back the mental image you had of your spouse pre-affair? Or is that tainted forever?

Yes, it is possible. That doesn't mean that it's likely, just that it's possible. I can tell you that my mental image of my spouse is pretty much the same as it was pre-affair. BUT, that's primarily because of the amount of time and energy he put into helping me heal. It was prodigious.

 

Is it possible to have disagreements in the future where the first retort that pops into your head (whether you verbalize it or not) is some sort of variation on "well maybe you should have thought about that before you did what you did"?

Yes. When we have disagreements, I don't think I ever (anymore) have that particular retort pop up.

 

I don't know, just looking for some feedback here. I really thought my marriage was the greatest thing ever, and I would have done anything to protect it. It hurts really bad that my wife didn't feel the same, or that it wasn't important enough to her to take the steps to protect it from harm, no matter how much those scared her. I feel like even if we do reconcile, the best I can ever hope for is that I don't think about the affair, betrayal, what it says/said about her as a person frequently - and that when it does happen I can get past it. Obviously it's never going away, it's something that happened...I'm just really nervous about my ability to deal with it going forward if I attempt to reconcile.

Yes, it's something that happened. As for it "going away", now that depends upon you. Are you the type of person who can eventually let things go, or not? Some people cannot. They'll hold onto an injury simply forever. If you are one of those people, then you may have trouble with what happened for a long long time - possibly forever. So, you may want to look into yourself and see if you are capable of forgiving. If you decide you are, and can see that she is willing to put in the extremely difficult and serious work of helping you to trust her again, then it's possible to have a really excellent marriage post-affair. If not, then it's probably better to cut your losses and find someone new.

 

Alot of times I feel I'd rather, or be better off, just moving forward with someone else, a relationship where there wouldn't be this enormous black cloud hanging over the past. Other times I feel if I could just get what we had back, it would all be worth it. Other times I just feel like being a hermit for the rest of my life. Really, I'm just ridiculously confused. So any help and insight from people with experience with what it's like would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

The thing is, there are no guarantees. No guarantee that you two can work your way through the quagmire, but there's also no guarantee that someone new wouldn't hurt you as well. The hermit option crossed my mind, too, but I wouldn't have been happy that way, and that felt more like I was punishing myself than protecting my heart. The only way you'll find out whether it was worth it is by trying it. (Kinda sucks ).

 

Best of luck to you. (By the way, we are 7 years past D-Day, and very happy - but it took 4 or 5 years for me to get over it.)

[2long]

I'm 27 now, I know that's not old but I would like to do things like start having kids relatively soon. Obviously that's not in the cards anytime soon if I were to start a relationship with someone else - but it seems like with reconciliation we're talking giving it years before I can really decide what I want to do, and then it still may not work out and I'm right back where I am now.

 

Considering it was only a couple months ago that you suggested an open marriage, I'd say your not ready 2 start having kids anytime soon for reasons other than you're thinking here.

 

You've abandoned your other thread for this more abstract one. Why? I saw posts by your wife on marriagebuilders and it seems she's plenty remorseful for her part in what happened. Are you?

 

In this case, I would think it more character-building 2 reconcile with your W, who has a shared his2ry with you, than starting over with someone else, taking the risk that something like this could happen again because you didn't adequately deal with it this time.

 

-ol' 2long

[What_Next]

Despite what seemingly little grasp of our wonderful English language Lil_Ch00b has reconciliation is far from a 'load of crap'. It is a difficult choice which if made can eventually lead to a very strong relationship. It isn't one that should be undertake without much thought, but it is possible.

[Torninpices]

I do think I'm rushing things now and again simply because I feel like I need to make a decision, to either commit to working on it or move on. At the same time, I feel like whatever decision I make is going to be a poor one, because I'm definitely not in my right mind right now.

 

The thing that bums me out most is that there is no decision where I win. If I decide to move on, I lose the person I love more than anyone else because I can't deal....If I decide to stay, I've got to deal with this black cloud over or around the relationship for the rest of my life. It feels like no matter what I choose, I lose - and that's not fair.

 

I totally agree with that. I just found out my husband had an affair with a coworker 2years ago and the thing is since he broke it off we have been in a really great place. But he never told me until I just found emails between them. And now what to do is not fair at all. Why do we have to pay the price for there actions