Telling the kids?

[BB07]

I was reading on another site and lots of folks advise to tell the kids that your spouse is having an affair when you are doing the exposure. I think this is cruel and could set them up to be traumatized more if they are not already aware of what is going on. If they are aware then of course their questions should be answered honestly but I don't see how it could be beneficial for them to pulled into it if they aren't.

 

What are your thoughts?

[StoneCold]

not advisable

[Memphis Raines]

I was reading on another site and lots of folks advise to tell the kids that your spouse is having an affair when you are doing the exposure. I think this is cruel and could set them up to be traumatized more if they are not already aware of what is going on. If they are aware then of course their questions should be answered honestly but I don't see how it could be beneficial for them to pulled into it if they aren't.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

I'll tell them if they ask. I won't offer it up unsolicited. they ask, I won't lie.

[bentnotbroken]

Depends on the age of the children. I didn't have to tell. They knew before I did. But had they not known and asked...I would not have lied, covered for him or minimized the effects his actions had on so many people. I pray they have learned from his actions...as well as mine.

[Linda9999]

I never told our kids. They're 17, 19 and 21. The 21yo figured it out on his own. The 19yo asked outright just after it happened and I answered him by saying that there are certain things about why we were living apart that he'll never know. He hasn't asked since then. Our daughter who is 17 hasn't asked, and every time I try to broach the subject with her of what she thinks happened she just says she knows we had a fight and had to live apart for a while but now we're back together and she's happy about it.

 

I do not think it's the kind of thing that the kids need to know.

[PollyIvy]

Do not tell the kids!

There, that is my opinion. However, in reality, when you are hurt and raw and fighting, you end up hollering things that they can of course hear...

[whichwayisup]

Depends on the age of the children. I didn't have to tell. They knew before I did. But had they not known and asked...I would not have lied, covered for him or minimized the effects his actions had on so many people. I pray they have learned from his actions...as well as mine.

 

I agree. There's no need for a young child or young teen to know. The older they get, the more they can figure out stuff on their own, like in BNB's situation.

 

If they ask, then the truth should come out.. as delicately as possible.

[WorldIsYours]

I was reading on another site and lots of folks advise to tell the kids that your spouse is having an affair when you are doing the exposure. I think this is cruel and could set them up to be traumatized more if they are not already aware of what is going on.

 

Well you know what cheating and taking precious time away from the kids to go bone some dude/chick that's probably married, at a cheap motel is cruel. Lying to them and snapping at them because of their little affair is cruel.

 

If they are aware then of course their questions should be answered honestly but I don't see how it could be beneficial for them to pulled into it if they aren't.

 

They were pulled into it the moment their irresponsible parent decided to cheat.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

See above.

[silktricks]

If the kids ask outright, they shouldn't be lied to, but they don't have to have a blow-by-blow report either. Truth can be truth, but still be couched carefully. I always like the "your dad/mom and I had some problems, but we're trying to work them out" kind of response. or something along that line... obviously if you're getting a divorce you're not trying to work them out ...

 

I personally didn't tell our kids about any details of our problems. They knew we were having some difficulties, but actually didn't think it had anything to do with problems between us - there was enough additional trauma going on that it was all assumed to be exterior to our relationship . I'm glad we chose that course, as otherwise we'd have family issues to handle that we don't have. It's made the healing easier for both of us, I think.

 

That said, I don't know if I would have made the same choice had I chosen divorce instead of reconciliation. I doubt I would have divulged anything more, though, as I'm not a big fan of exposure. It would have been enough that we were getting a divorce. Details are really no one's business IMO.

[thomasb]

Depends on the age of the children. I didn't have to tell. They knew before I did. But had they not known and asked...I would not have lied, covered for him or minimized the effects his actions had on so many people. I pray they have learned from his actions...as well as mine.

 

Two of my sons knew before my wife also. After my wife told me to leave, her and the boys sat down and told the other two. We have always been an open and honest family. I wouldn't have expected my wife to make life altering decisions for them without their input. That is the way my family rolls.

[SidLyon]

I was reading on another site and lots of folks advise to tell the kids that your spouse is having an affair when you are doing the exposure. I think this is cruel and could set them up to be traumatized more if they are not already aware of what is going on. If they are aware then of course their questions should be answered honestly but I don't see how it could be beneficial for them to pulled into it if they aren't.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

We kept it from the kids for about a week after d-day. I was absolutely distraught during this time. I was unable to function properly and could see our boys who were both 14 at the time were starting to become very worried. I think they thought I had just found out I had a fatal illness.

 

Eventually I broke down one morning before they went to school and my H told them what he'd done. They were shocked and I later had to collect them from school. Their first and only question was are we staying together.

 

It turned out that one son had already seen text and computer activity that had made him suspicious, so he already had an inkling. The other son had no idea and was angry for a long time as it seemed to him that he was the only one who hadn't known and even his brother hadn't even bothered to tell him.

 

I agree that it's cruel for the kids to find out, but disagree that this is the fault of the BS who might be doing the exposure. Once I had done some research into affairs I realised that exposure is the way to go. If the affair is not "genuine love" then exposure will often stop it dead.

 

It's one reason I feel that often OWs will go along with MM's desire for secrecy. It's because IMO they will find out for sure that it was just another affair. If only they realised that exposure to the BW (even by the OW) could often end the affair either by the MM leaving the marriage or because it was only ever going to be an affair.

[bentnotbroken]

Two of my sons knew before my wife also. After my wife told me to leave, her and the boys sat down and told the other two. We have always been an open and honest family. I wouldn't have expected my wife to make life altering decisions for them without their input. That is the way my family rolls.

 

 

Mine too. Even if they didn't know first, I would have wanted to know what they wanted out of the situation. The changes didn't just effect me, their lives changed too. Thank God with counseling and a lot of talking...they(we) are doing well.

[seibert253]

My little guy was 5, he wouldn't have comprehended it.

[JadedAmore]

My kids are young, and have no idea. When my oldest daughter (who is still in elementary school) asked if I didn't love daddy anymore, I just explained that mommy and daddy both still love her and that's all that matters. She never questioned it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if they figured him out as they grow older. He's been marching women in and out of their lives since the split, and children are smarter than most people give them credit to be.

 

My only worry is this: a child was conceived while xH and I were married, and she was born before my 2nd and 3rd child with him (I had no clue of her existence until I was well into the pregnancy). If this child comes knocking at my door one day because I am still local and he is not, what do I say to my own kids? It's far fetched, I realize.. but always in the back of my mind.

[Spark1111]

Two of my sons knew before my wife also. After my wife told me to leave, her and the boys sat down and told the other two. We have always been an open and honest family. I wouldn't have expected my wife to make life altering decisions for them without their input. That is the way my family rolls.

 

I'm with Bent and thomasb. I did not tell them, but my oldest daughter (26) deduced it pretty quickly....

 

It turns out the younger two had shared suspicions with others. What a terrible way to live! Protecting your mother from your father's strange, distant, and cold affair behavior!

 

We supported each other through it. They also supported him through his pain.

 

We gave each other permission to do whatever it took to heal from it.

 

I love my family!

[dreamingoftigers]

I caught my Dad, thank goodness I was 26.

 

I think that it should be acknowledged among children of all ages that Mommy and Daddy are having problems, but to pretend nothing is wring is pretty cruel to them.

 

I think that this probably wasn't my father's first affair and most definitely not his first flirtation. I think if everyone had acknowledged that there were issues when I was younger instead of playing 'sweep it under the carpet' I wouldn't be so messed up today.

[Snowflower]

After my H confessed to me, he told our children (teenagers) and then a few days later, told his family. This is unusual from what I have read here.

 

I'm still not sure that I like our children knowing what happened. It's not like they know details but more along the lines of he "became way too close to someone else which you shouldn't do when you are married."

 

Our children also saw us work very hard to reconcile our marriage. I think this will give them a realistic view of love, relationships and marriage.

 

While I'm still kind of mixed up about them knowing, I hope they learn from our pain and don't make the same mistakes as we did in their adult relationships.

Edited April 12, 2011 by Snowflower

[freestyle]

I caught my Dad, thank goodness I was 26.

 

I think that it should be acknowledged among children of all ages that Mommy and Daddy are having problems, but to pretend nothing is wring is pretty cruel to them.

 

I think that this probably wasn't my father's first affair and most definitely not his first flirtation. I think if everyone had acknowledged that there were issues when I was younger instead of playing 'sweep it under the carpet' I wouldn't be so messed up today.

 

Sorry you had to grow up with that DOT...

 

My SO grew up with the same dynamic--turns out his father was a serial cheater, he didn't find out until his adult years.........

 

He said growing up in his household, always had a strong undercurrent of tension that no one would acknowledge, or explain to him. There was an 800 lb. gorilla in the room all the time, but his parents always pretended it wasn't there........

 

Small wonder that he has a hard time being upfront about his feelings, and has grown up to be a rug-sweeper himself...

 

Now that I think about (realization hitting as I type) I wonder if he viewed himself as being to blame for the tension in the household---a young child, unwise to the ways of the world, may very well take it personally, if the grownups stop talking as soon as he enters the room, but put on phony smiles and try to pretend that everything's ok.

 

I think kids pick up on phoniness much more than people realize........

 

He told me that when he finally did learn the truth about his parents (I think an older brother told him) ---he said it was like an epiphany, a light bulb coming---everything suddenly made sense when viewed in that light---but nonetheless, he couldn't help but feel resentment for having been kept in the dark, surrounded by all that tension for so many years........

 

So yep, "keeping up appearances" isn't always in a child's best interests.

 

I can see not telling a very young child, but once they're old enough to ask, I think they should be given the truth.Pretense is horrible to live with. A false reconciliation, or a reconciliation just "for the kid's sake"---could possibly cause a very unfair transfer of resentments to the children---

 

 

which they may very well pick up on...............and internalize.

[Spark1111]

Great post freestyle!

 

It is not what you say or do not say that matters to a child.

 

It is how you act. They are watching and internalizing your behavior all the time, even if they seem oblivious.

 

Cold? Distant? Tense? Preoccupied? Depressed? Angry? A child feels this intensely.

 

Don't want to hurt your child with lifelong developmental problems?

 

ALWAYS treat your spouse with kindness and consideration, whether you stay married or divorce.

[Owl]

On d-day, OM bought my wife plane tickets and she intended to fly to his city and live with him.

 

I told her that she had to break the news to the kids before she left.

 

There was no way we could have somehow hidden this or played it off to them.

 

They were all teenagers at the time...while they didn't take the news well, they deserved to know the truth and would have found out eventually.

 

When we decided to reconcile, our kids were also included on that information as well.

 

I'm not sure what the appropriate way for dealing with younger children would be, but I do believe that honesty is the best way to deal with teens in this kind of situation.

[freestyle]

Great post freestyle!

 

It is not what you say or do not say that matters to a child.

 

It is how you act. They are watching and internalizing your behavior all the time, even if they seem oblivious.

 

Cold? Distant? Tense? Preoccupied? Depressed? Angry? A child feels this intensely.

 

Don't want to hurt your child with lifelong developmental problems?

 

ALWAYS treat your spouse with kindness and consideration, whether you stay married or divorce.

 

 

Thanks, Spark---and a great post from you as well.

 

The theory only just glimmered a bit when I wrote that post, but I've been thinking about it for the past couple of hours, and now I'm wondering--

 

Are the parents who reconcile, only for the kid's sake---

 

subconsciously resenting the kids themselves, for causing them to feel "trapped" in a marriage/relationship that they no longer want to be in ?

 

And is that being projected at the kids through their (the parents) behavior, setting up a dynamic that causes a child to internalize toxic levels of shame?

 

My SO won't talk about it much, I didn't even learn about any of this aspect of his family history until we'd already been together for a year---but I recall him complaining about how his dad was almost never home, and his mom always seemed to be angry, even when she was smiling.

Sadly, he grew up resenting his mother--and it looks like she wasn't really responsible for the bulk of the family dysfunction.She was a heartbroken woman who had been betrayed on the deepest level possible---who was trying to put on a brave face for her youngest child........

 

I can't even fathom what that constant pressure must have felt like.

 

 

I really hope that anyone toying with the idea of engaging in infidelity reads this thread, and realizes that the fallout reaches further than the immediate triangle itself. The kids ARE affected, sometimes horribly. My SO has a ton of baggage from that---even though it happened over 30 years ago. The imprinting that happens in the formative years, can etch very deep grooves into a developing psyche.

 

The younger the child, the deeper the groove.

 

The deeper the groove, the harder it is to climb out of it.......

[Bionic Me]

I never told our kids. They're 17, 19 and 21. The 21yo figured it out on his own. The 19yo asked outright just after it happened and I answered him by saying that there are certain things about why we were living apart that he'll never know. He hasn't asked since then. Our daughter who is 17 hasn't asked, and every time I try to broach the subject with her of what she thinks happened she just says she knows we had a fight and had to live apart for a while but now we're back together and she's happy about it.

 

I do not think it's the kind of thing that the kids need to know.

 

They are old enough and deserve the truth. Don't you think you just treated them as if they didn't matter? You have probably done more damage by making believe a problem didn't exist. The silence of your children may be a sign of pain. You really think your 19yo would never know? Ok.

[Bionic Me]

Thanks, Spark---and a great post from you as well.

 

The theory only just glimmered a bit when I wrote that post, but I've been thinking about it for the past couple of hours, and now I'm wondering--

 

Are the parents who reconcile, only for the kid's sake---

 

subconsciously resenting the kids themselves, for causing them to feel "trapped" in a marriage/relationship that they no longer want to be in ?

 

And is that being projected at the kids through their (the parents) behavior, setting up a dynamic that causes a child to internalize toxic levels of shame?

 

My SO won't talk about it much, I didn't even learn about any of this aspect of his family history until we'd already been together for a year---but I recall him complaining about how his dad was almost never home, and his mom always seemed to be angry, even when she was smiling.

Sadly, he grew up resenting his mother--and it looks like she wasn't really responsible for the bulk of the family dysfunction.She was a heartbroken woman who had been betrayed on the deepest level possible---who was trying to put on a brave face for her youngest child........

 

I can't even fathom what that constant pressure must have felt like.

 

 

I really hope that anyone toying with the idea of engaging in infidelity reads this thread, and realizes that the fallout reaches further than the immediate triangle itself. The kids ARE affected, sometimes horribly. My SO has a ton of baggage from that---even though it happened over 30 years ago. The imprinting that happens in the formative years, can etch very deep grooves into a developing psyche.

 

The younger the child, the deeper the groove.

 

The deeper the groove, the harder it is to climb out of it.......

 

Soo very true! Sadly cheaters don't care about anyone but themselves.

[akajojo]

Hi, new poster here, but this question bring's up so many bad memorie's for me, first off my wh would disappear for hour's, then day's then week's at a time, alway's saying it was work related!! our daughter , 14 at the time would ask where is daddy? i did everything in my power to protect her from this, so therefore made his excuse's for him since he would'nt. Eventually i knew there was no way forward for us to continue in this sham of a marriage, but he would never stop playing away, i put his need's my daughter's need's way above my own, while trying to spare the real ugliness from not only her, but all family member's.

All to no avail.... as far as i am aware there were two ow in his life, one overlapping the other, well, they made sure in their own sweet way that she knew about them, by coming to my house banging on the door, continual phone call's, followed by nasty hateful, threatening e-mails, i did not rise to any of this, one of them even threatened him that she would make his daughter's life hell!!! that was the only time i wanted to confront her, i was not interested in cat fighting over any man, and yes he continued to see her even after that lovely comment... we have been seperated over two year's now, however the repercussion's continue, i do not scare easily and i have told both these women to stay out of mine and my daughter's life, finally my desire to not get into it with them is paying off, i walk these streets where i live with my head held high as doe's my daughter, while the list of physcho women continue to grow, do i wish i had done thing's differently, hell yes!! my daughter knew something was wrong, me making excuses for her father did not help her at all, just prolonged it and whether i sat her down and explained the reason's or not, there were outside force's determined to hurt her and me. the biggest reason for me not engaging with these women, was to protect my daughter, she needed me to be here her, and she would not have respected me for getting down to their level,and really, who else was going to be there for her, her father, the ow, no, my biggest regret, and also her biggest wish, was for us to be honest with her, to this day her father has never apoligised, or tried to explain his behaviour to her, shoot they keep in touch by cell-phone only, she doesnt even get to know where he live's, so can't even mail him a birthday card, or visit him, why because she wishes to have nothing to do with these ow that continually threatened us, just because they wanted her daddy, so yes wish i had told her early on, and maybe thing's would have worked out differently, and maybe, just maybe she could still be visiting or spending time with her own father, whom these women don't want to have a relationship with his daughter, go figure, eh jealous of his own child....

[ver13]

IMO I don't see how you can keep something this life changing for all from your kid's. I mean you have to tell them something don't you? I think that people don't want to put it out there because it truly makes all the ugliness real so to speak. When you continue to keep the little secrets and argue quitely your actually broadcasting the message loud and clear to those who are so close to you. The kid's already know that something is going on that's for sure, they can feel it. So meet it head on openly and let the WS provide the answers that they need to hear from the horse's mouth so to speak. Trying to protect them from something this big is not being a responsible parent at all. It's like the house is on fire and you tell them that the heater is turned up. The little one's don't need the full detail's but they do need to know why the WS isn't coming home anymore.