update to "I finally broke up with my cheating fiancee and my world is crashing"

[kourtney01]

I had reservations about posting this because I can almost feel the eyes rolling...but I am going thru a very hard time and would appreciate some more advice.

 

Basically, he has been trying to get back together and I gave him the silent treatment for a while... Now we met up 2 days ago to talk in person. He basically BEGGED me and swore up and down that allthough his behavior was suspicious and he acknowledges that, he has not been cheating this time around. He is trying to convince me that I have put it in my head that he is a cheater and that's why he has to be

so

secretive with me because he feels like I snap over the smallest things. That comment may have some truth to it...but the evidence was also there. I would have to be a complete idiot to ignore the movie tickets, the background voice in the ski video, him not answering my calls when he goes out and his behaviour with hiding his phone all the time. I explained this to him and he swore up and down that he's changed and it's not what I think. He had the nerve to say that he went to the movies with his 9 yr

old

son even though I found 2 adult tickets and they were from the night he left me waiting at his house for 5 hrs.

 

So

now he's leaving for cuba with a soccer buddy because he says he's stressed from everything going on and that he needs to go away with a friend for a change. (we always go away together) I have this weird feeling he's going away with a girl. Also, the day we met up to talk about the break-up, I quickly looked thru his phone. I had such a small window of time that all I saw was a text message from the day before from a girl "daniela" asking him to "please call her when he gets home". He's telling me its some older lady that he knows that has a hookup for construction materials that he needs for the house....I find that hard to believe no? Why would they have the kind of relationship where they text each other??? And how would she know his whereabouts to ask him to call her when she gets home?

So

we argued, again...and now I'

m

giving him the silent treatment...again. He's been staying at his parents house and I'

m

living with my mom right now

so

we don't see each other.

 

Now he is leaving in 24 hours and I don't know what to do. On one hand, I'd like to see him at the airport and say goodbye

so

that we have the opportunity to talk when he gets back and see what to do from here. He has made me sooo many promises and allthough I don't know if he will keep his word, I keep telling myself that maybe he just went out with some girl that is a friend out of stupidity and boredom but nothing actually happened? I dunno. I might sound like a crazy person here but bear in mind that I obviously still love him and this is very very very hard. He promised me that he will stop hiding his phone and change his number when he gets back for a fresh start. He also promised me that he will stop going out weekly just once in a blue moon, in which case he will ALWAYS check in with me. He also promised me never to ignore my calls again

so

that I don't worry and assume the worst. All these promises mean nothing without him following through...and I'

m

not even sure if I should give him a chance to show me that he's "following through."

 

The text I saw is really bothering me.

 

He also told me that I could come with him to the airport to see for myself...but now he's saying that his dad is taking him and that I can meet him there if I want... It's at 5am I'

m

not sure if I want to go through the trouble (and being DEAD tired) if he's telling the truth...and I'

m

also worried that he might find a way to sneak anyway...like him meeting the girl on the other side at the gate and I would never know...right? And even if he's going away with a guy friend...do I really believe it will be an innocent trip? NO. I'

m

worried that he will go on a f****** spree till he gets back..especially if he thinks this will be his last chance to cheat for a while since he has to be on his best behaviour... again, that's speculation. I've told him how i feel and he thinks I create scenarios in my head

so

I have an excuse to leave him. He knows he did wrong in the past but says he has changed since and I'

m

pushing him away for no reason.

 

The last thing that ticked me off is that I asked him to leave me his cell phone for the week until he gets back because it doesn't work outside of the country anyway...and its a way for him to show me he has nothing to hide because noone will call him anwyay right? I told him if he wanst to get back together..it's an excellent step in the right direction.At first he said 'yes' and now he came up with all kinds of excuses... he's telling me he will leave it at his mother's house and I can go get it from there cuz he needs it till the LAST F-IN MINUTE before he leaves...he knows I don't have the nerve to go get his cell phone from his mother even if he does actually leave it there..(although he can always 'forget' to leave it there at the last minute)

 

In fact, the day that we talked to each other..his mother lectured me that I'

m

playing games with her son and that I need to ignore his bad behaviour because (and i quote) "I'

m

a lady, he is a man...men do bad things when they're young but they calm down eventually (I guess when they're bald and fat and

old

and noone wants them anymore)

so

I just have to suck it up or

leave her son alone

because we fight too much and I push him too much to do what I want...afterall, that's how she's been married for over 30 years!" She is PSYCHO with a 1952 mentality...is she out of her mind??? I couldn't believe she was actalluy

mad at me

even after I told her that her son has a history of cheating and lying and that's why we fight

so

much!

So

now I see where he gets his mentality from...

old

school European

 

At this point I'

m

sounding crazy right?

 

I feel like spying on him at the airport but I don't even know the flight or terminal...just the time..and there are 5 different flighst for cuba at that time... but I guess if it's meant to be...I will see him and get my answer. (

BTW

I asked him to see the ticket and he said his buddy has it because it was emailed to him when he booked for the 2 of them..I didn't want to tell him to ask his buddy for the flight number because then he would know I would show up and I wouldn't be able to spy on him...that's why I don't know the flight or terminal) Even if he's telling the truth...I'

m

still upset that he's going away at the WORST possible time when we are having sooo many issues... selfish of him no?

 

I don't know what to do from here...what would any of you do in my shoes?

Sorry about rambling on

Any advice? Please

[Billy_Boy]

Uhh, I would say youre putting waaaay too much effort into this and that you obviously dont trust him, I wouldnt either, all his stories sound fishy to me... maybe you should just forget about him, you would probably feel a lot better.

[whichwayisup]

What would I do? Even though it would hurt like hell, I would totally end it, and get counseling.

 

If you marry this guy, you are asking for a constant world of hurt, world of drama, world of questioning him, mistrust, and tons of pain. He just isn't worth it. He hasn't changed, you know this.

 

The only thing you CAN do is officially end it and walk away. Again, if you don't, you get what you get, knowing full well that he is a liar, a cheater and hasn't done ONE thing to prove to you he is worthy of being your husband, father of your future children.

[Owl]

Words don't tell you anything...actions are everything.

 

He's not changed ANYTHING.

 

He's TELLING you that he's changed, but he's doing absolutely nothing to prove it.

 

I don't recall how long you've got invested into being with him, but I simply CANNOT see any chance for a long term relationship with this guy.

 

He is lying to you. And you're accepting it...or at least not willing to challenge him on it.

 

He knows that you're not going to end the relationship anytime soon unless he's flat out caught in the actual act...so he feeds you whatever he needs to in order to buy himself time and continue his behaviors.

 

Understand this....this kind of guy will NEVER, EVER, EVER admit to anything. He sounds like the kind of guy who would try to convince you that you're mentally insane and seeing things if you walked in on him and another woman. He will not EVER admit to anything.

 

You have to decide what YOUR limit is. At what point do you decide enough is enough and actually kick him to the curb?

 

Until you reach that point...this is going to continue. Nothing is going to change...he will never change.

 

The only thing that can change is you, once you've decided you're no longer going to tolerate this.

 

I wish you the best.

[kuma]

You already gave him a second chance. Don't stay with him. Otherwise, you'll miss out on the right guy. Leave him if you don't want to end up with a serial cheater.

[Quiet Storm]

Even if he is telling the truth, you don't trust him for obvious reasons. Do you really want to be with someone that you can't trust?

 

Based on his family of origin, it sounds as if bad male behavior is accepted, to an extent. This means that although he may try to appease you, he really doesn't think he did anything wrong. In his mind, you are the one with the problem because you don't trust him.

 

He wants you to ignore and brush it under the rug, like his mother did. Since you can't do that, he will be annoyed when you try to make him accountable for his actions.

 

If he really wanted to work it out with you in an honest way, he would be transparent. He would be happy to let you see his phone. He would be eager to prove things to you. He wants your trust, but is not willing to do what it takes to earn it. He wants his reassuring words to be enough for you.

 

He is not interested in working things out with you in an honest way. IMO, he is interested in working things out with you, but does not intend to really change his behavior, just hide it better.

[YellowShark]

Dear kourtney01,

 

ARE YOU NUTS?

 

Please listen to what OWL and whichwayisup have posted. Right now you are thinking emotionally and not intellectually. That's normal at the end of a relationship. Clarity comes with time.

 

A sad as it may be and as painful as it is DO NOT invest anymore time into this relationship. If you do you'll have years of heartbreak and mayhem.

 

This *guy* has telegraphed his real™ self to you. Run like hell.

 

Best of luck.

[Linda9999]

I say the guy is full of s**t. He can yap all he wants about what he wants to be true, but the fact is he isn't following through on ANYTHING.

 

There is NO way I would be with my husband right now if he wasn't a completely open book, was going to counseling with me, was apologetic and remorseful, tells me ALL THE TIME how disgusted he is with himself, does exercises with me to strengthen our relationship, let me see his cell phone and email any time, wants to talk with me about what he did and how wrong it was, ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC. If he was acting the way you 'fiance' is, he'd be out on his ass SO fast.

 

You need to get rid of this guy once and for all. Sure it'll hurt, but it will be like ripping off a bandaid. After the initial hurt you'll be healed. I also think you need counseling in order to avoid getting into the same type of relationship again.

[whichwayisup]

I just thought of this and noticed it hasn't been brought up (unless I missed it) if he really was remorseful, wanted to prove to you that he is innocent he would NOT be going away right now with a 'friend'. Saying he's stressed out from all the accusations, stressed from you and the relationship. People who are inlove and want to be with someone (you) don't act like he is acting right now.

 

It is a red flag, listen to your gut!! Please! Think with your head, not your heart.

[TigerCub]

The only thing he's going to change is get a new cell phone that you wont know about. He now knows that that's how you catch him. He's promising you that he wont be so secretive with his phone if you take him back - because he's going to get one that you wont know about, and he'll let you play detective all you want with the one that the new girls wont know the number to.

 

He told you that he went to the movie with his son, but YOU yourself saw that that tickets were for 2 adults. Why didn't you call himout on that lie right there?

 

You say that you're too afraid to go get the phone from his mom's place. Well if you want to go into a marriage where you're intimidated by your mother in law (who apparently seems to think that guys should be cheating jerks and that women should just put up with that) - that's your business, but you already know that by not standing up for yourself, and by not being fearless about asking your questions and protecting yourself, they're just going to walk all over you and you're going to be all alone in this.

 

I do understand that you love him, but he's willing to just lie right to your face and cheat on you, and make you seem like the psycho for asking your questions - that's not love from his end. Don't settle for crap like that.

 

If you're showing him that you'll give him chance after chance and you'll let him lie to you - why would he change?

He's just going to figure out how you catch him and make changes so that you wont be able to get your evidence anymore.

 

Trust your gut.

 

Good luck

[kourtney01]

I understand what you are all saying...

 

...I just wanted to hear it from neutral outsiders that there is no way that I am looking at the situation other than how it actually is...

After so many lies, crushed hopes and mind games...I really don't trust my own judgment anymore.

 

He's telling me what I really want to hear so I am convincing myself that it is not as bad as it is..

[kourtney01]

I just thought of this and noticed it hasn't been brought up (unless I missed it) if he really was remorseful, wanted to prove to you that he is innocent he would NOT be going away right now with a 'friend'. Saying he's stressed out from all the accusations, stressed from you and the relationship. People who are inlove and want to be with someone (you) don't act like he is acting right now.

 

It is a red flag, listen to your gut!! Please! Think with your head, not your heart.

 

THANK YOU!

 

I thought I was being unreasonable by being upset that he's going away since he just took me on a vacation 2 months ago (and many others) ...but it's the timing not the fact that bothers me.

[jnj express]

Hey K---you get one trip thru life on this planet---ONE TRIP ONLY---it is spose to be filled with happiness, with carefree days, with peace of mind---tell me do you have any of these???????Certainly doesn't seem so

 

You know what life is like now, and gonna be in the future with this guy----stop with this baloney of how you love him---what you have is some hot passioned infatuation----If you stay with this guy then you deserve everything that comes with him----stop being a fool, and get on with your life, and go out and meet people that will not cause you unhappiness

 

Remember you are spose to be getting enjoyment out of your life---not heartache

[kourtney01]

I found out from a friend who works at the airport that he checked in and was 2 guy friends. (by fluke, my friend was working at the same terminal that he checked in to)

 

Does that change the situation in any way?

 

He sent me a really nice text message, to which I replied for him to leave me alone because I'm still upset about everything else.

[TigerCub]

I found out from a friend who works at the airport that he checked in and was 2 guy friends. (by fluke, my friend was working at the same terminal that he checked in to)

 

Does that change the situation in any way?

 

I know that you want it to mean something that he is going with his guy friends as he said, but telling the truth one time doesn't take away from the lies that he gives you the rest of the time.

 

Also, he may be going with his boys, but what about the girls that he might meet when he's away.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to scare you and make you worry, its just that his past patterns aren't promising.

[dreamingoftigers]

I found out from a friend who works at the airport that he checked in and was 2 guy friends. (by fluke, my friend was working at the same terminal that he checked in to)

 

Does that change the situation in any way?

 

He sent me a really nice text message, to which I replied for him to leave me alone because I'm still upset about everything else.

 

He is more concerned with proving you are crazy then proving he is changing. That should tell you everything right there, he is actively cheating.

 

WIth his mother's attitude, she would probably cover if he left the cellphone with her anyways. He should have given it right to you the second you asked, no question.

 

It doesn't matter who he is travelling with, he isn't a loyal and transparent person. Don't marry him, he shouldn't be your fiance anymore if you want to have a healthy long-term relationship.

 

If he has a 9 year old son, they would tell me that in all likelihood he is at least 23. That is too old to even adopt the "mess around while they are young" mentality. I might be able to understand if he was 17-19 and stupid. This man is not ready for any kind of committment, except the one to his penis. You are not delusional, you are sadly right.

[kourtney01]

He is more concerned with proving you are crazy then proving he is changing. That should tell you everything right there, he is actively cheating.

 

WIth his mother's attitude, she would probably cover if he left the cellphone with her anyways. He should have given it right to you the second you asked, no question.

 

It doesn't matter who he is travelling with, he isn't a loyal and transparent person. Don't marry him, he shouldn't be your fiance anymore if you want to have a healthy long-term relationship.

 

If he has a 9 year old son, they would tell me that in all likelihood he is at least 23. That is too old to even adopt the "mess around while they are young" mentality. I might be able to understand if he was 17-19 and stupid. This man is not ready for any kind of committment, except the one to his penis. You are not delusional, you are sadly right.

 

He is 31 years old and I am 24...I guess that only makes it worse...

[jnj express]

Seven years at 31 to 24 is still on the fringes of a stretch in difference------this guy for a 31 yr. old isn't very stable, and he is playing games

 

One other thing---he has a 9 yr old son---that son is always gonna take precedence over you---no matter what this guy says----

 

You don't need this---go out sew some wild oats---have fun, and meet a nice guy somewhere down the line---get away from this 31 yr old LOSER

 

The idea is to enjoy life---you are not doing that, and I doubt if you have enjoyed life very much since you hooked up with this guy----sex is one small part of life, and that's all----the rest of it is about handling everything that life throws at you----believe me when I say this guy---will wreck your future----but only you live in your shoes----whatever, I wish you luck, and do hope you enjoy the rest of your life

[kourtney01]

Seven years at 31 to 24 is still on the fringes of a stretch in difference------this guy for a 31 yr. old isn't very stable, and he is playing games

 

One other thing---he has a 9 yr old son---that son is always gonna take precedence over you---no matter what this guy says----

You don't need this---go out sew some wild oats---have fun, and meet a nice guy somewhere down the line---get away from this 31 yr old LOSER

 

The idea is to enjoy life---you are not doing that, and I doubt if you have enjoyed life very much since you hooked up with this guy----sex is one small part of life, and that's all----the rest of it is about handling everything that life throws at you----believe me when I say this guy---will wreck your future----but only you live in your shoes----whatever, I wish you luck, and do hope you enjoy the rest of your life

 

Is it selfish to want to have someone's undivided attention? I always felt bad for resenting the fact that I was in a relationship with someone that is divorced and has a son because I am still young and would like to enjoy it while I can. Eventually, it would be nice to have a FRESH start with someone that has no baggage.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Is it selfish to want to have someone's undivided attention? I always felt bad for resenting the fact that I was in a relationship with someone that is divorced and has a son because I am still young and would like to enjoy it while I can. Eventually, it would be nice to have a FRESH start with someone that has no baggage.

 

Awww.

 

I think that's your answer, right there. Why does your fresh start need to be "eventual?" Break it off with him. Go seek the fresh start you want/deserve-