Husband's Boundaries with Ex wife

[WonderingWhatIf]

I posted this over in the Marriage and Life Partnerships section, but I thought that I would also post here for feedback.

 

Hi All! I have been lurking on LS for a little while, but this is my first post. I will try to keep it as brief as possible while still explaining the facts.

 

I was remarried this summer to a wonderful man. We are both in our 40s. My H had been divorced for over 5 years, and he dated another woman for a little while before we got together and married. We have known each other for 30 plus years as we grew up together and attended school together (high school and college).

 

Now, to the issue. His ex-W... When they divorced, they closed all of their accounts together except for an account for over-draft protection on her checking account. He was the co-signor on this and set it up because she continuously overdrew her checking account. They had good credit when they divorced, but she did not open another account to pay this one off and close it out. It is at its limit, and every month she pays it late then immediately takes out money on it again. It is a vicious cycle and she has not made a dent in it for 5 years.(and now her credit has deteriorated). I listen to him speaking with her on the phone each month, saying "you overdrew your account... if you would just pay on "X" day of the month, then you woundn't have to pay a $39.00 fee.. blah blah blah." He gets an automatic email when it happens. This along with her texting him or calling him for advice. As an example, her cell phone broke and she went to the store to get a new one. She didn't like something the clerk said at the store, so it ended up in phone calls with her calling him back and forth 3 times about her phone. I don't think this should be his concern. Call someone else!

 

I just think this is inappropriate, and I have expressed my beliefs to him. He just tries to get a long with her for the sake of their children, he says. I think the only reason they should be in contact with one another is in regard to their children (ages 20 and 17.. the 20 year old is away at college and the 17 year old lives with us). We fully support all of our children with no help from either ex-spouse. (both of us with 2 children each). And, I guess, if I had met her or even knew her I would maybe feel differently. But, she refuses to meet me. My H tried to set up a dinner or meeting with all of us, but she refuses to meet me. She states that she would feel uncomfortable. Mind you, I am not the reason that their marriage broke up. She cheated on my H, and they divorced, then he and I got together years later (and he had a gf in between). To me, the fact that she won't meet me... calls and texts him things that are not related to their children.. just tells me that she doesn't want to let go. I have been told that she is very high strung and cries a lot. He doesn't want to "send her off the deep end." It just frustrates me. She works at the school that my older son attends, and I was told that she was asking lots of questions about my son. My H said that she probably was concerned about who was living in the house with her son. Well, wouldn't you think that would be a reason to come meet me also? I am with her son more than she is. And, she has been lying to my H about her son saying things (like he feels cheated that he doesn't have a nicer car.... and the reason that he doesn't have a nicer car is because my husband brought a new car for me). First, I am a working woman that works and pays bills here, and, secondly, the son says that "she is crazy.. I never said anything like that." He is happy with the car that he has. (just some examples) She actually came by our house last weekend to drop something off. She came to the door, and then my H went out and talked to her on the porch. Wouldn't that have been an ideal time to come in and briefly meet me? I asked my H why he didn't invite her in, and he said that she was in a hurry. She did create drama when she found out that he had asked me to marry him. She was upset and sending furious emails that he should have told her first before anyone else. She said that he owed it to her. I just wonder what you owe someone that cheated on you when you were married to them...

 

So, I will stop writing now. I can add more, but you get the crux of it. I would appreciate your feedback.... any thoughts... and I will answer any questions. Thanks in advance.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, what a piece of work. I would strongly suggest setting stronger boundaries with her, she might flip though. She is probably not letting go, but not because she is amourous or anything, just more to control the people around her. Her not meeting you seems very manipulative as well. I would strongly, strongly suggest that anytime your h needs to talk to her and she goes off-topic that he steer her right back.

 

At least the last kid will be out of the house soon and she has no excuse to call then, although it sounds like she will make something up.

[lucylove]

I would insist that my H draw some very clear boundaries here. Have you told him that this is interfering in your marriage? You have his Ex still contacting him for assistance as if they are best pals. Yet, she isn't acting like she really cares for "friendship" being that she refuses to meet you.

I don't know what your boundary would be--that she simply ceases to be allowed to communicate on matters that exclude children or that she be permitted to speak with him on a more personal basis from time to time if she can at least be bothered to meet you.

From the sounds of it you have been pretty gracious. She is no longer your husband's responsibility and she should not be his priority. If the account they share, or her persistent contact with him disturbs your happiness in the marriage, he needs to be made aware of it and follow by putting you first. It isn't about whether you are right or wrong (although in my opinion you could not be more RIGHT to have a problem with this) what matters is that it is affecting you. I would tell him how this affects you in a very non accusatory way. Don't imply that he has screwed up or been foolish, and don't insult her, it will just make you seem petty (though she might just deserve the B word and then some). Just express why this is a problem for you in the sense of how it makes you feel, think, and how you are disturbed...in detail! Don't criticize or say, "It doesn't make sense that you do this" say, "I feel upset when she calls you five times in a row about a problem she is having." or "I feel disturbed that she is so close to you and yet refuses to me me" what have you. Firmly request that boundaries be drawn for the sake of your happiness.

Have you tried this?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I posted this over in the Marriage and Life Partnerships section, but I thought that I would also post here for feedback.

 

Hi All! I have been lurking on LS for a little while, but this is my first post. I will try to keep it as brief as possible while still explaining the facts.

 

I was remarried this summer to a wonderful man. We are both in our 40s. My H had been divorced for over 5 years, and he dated another woman for a little while before we got together and married. We have known each other for 30 plus years as we grew up together and attended school together (high school and college).

 

Now, to the issue. His ex-W... When they divorced, they closed all of their accounts together except for an account for over-draft protection on her checking account. He was the co-signor on this and set it up because she continuously overdrew her checking account. They had good credit when they divorced, but she did not open another account to pay this one off and close it out. It is at its limit, and every month she pays it late then immediately takes out money on it again. It is a vicious cycle and she has not made a dent in it for 5 years.(and now her credit has deteriorated). I listen to him speaking with her on the phone each month, saying "you overdrew your account... if you would just pay on "X" day of the month, then you woundn't have to pay a $39.00 fee.. blah blah blah." He gets an automatic email when it happens. This along with her texting him or calling him for advice. As an example, her cell phone broke and she went to the store to get a new one. She didn't like something the clerk said at the store, so it ended up in phone calls with her calling him back and forth 3 times about her phone. I don't think this should be his concern. Call someone else!

 

I just think this is inappropriate, and I have expressed my beliefs to him. He just tries to get a long with her for the sake of their children, he says. I think the only reason they should be in contact with one another is in regard to their children (ages 20 and 17.. the 20 year old is away at college and the 17 year old lives with us). We fully support all of our children with no help from either ex-spouse. (both of us with 2 children each). And, I guess, if I had met her or even knew her I would maybe feel differently. But, she refuses to meet me. My H tried to set up a dinner or meeting with all of us, but she refuses to meet me. She states that she would feel uncomfortable. Mind you, I am not the reason that their marriage broke up. She cheated on my H, and they divorced, then he and I got together years later (and he had a gf in between). To me, the fact that she won't meet me... calls and texts him things that are not related to their children.. just tells me that she doesn't want to let go. I have been told that she is very high strung and cries a lot. He doesn't want to "send her off the deep end." It just frustrates me. She works at the school that my older son attends, and I was told that she was asking lots of questions about my son. My H said that she probably was concerned about who was living in the house with her son. Well, wouldn't you think that would be a reason to come meet me also? I am with her son more than she is. And, she has been lying to my H about her son saying things (like he feels cheated that he doesn't have a nicer car.... and the reason that he doesn't have a nicer car is because my husband brought a new car for me). First, I am a working woman that works and pays bills here, and, secondly, the son says that "she is crazy.. I never said anything like that." He is happy with the car that he has. (just some examples) She actually came by our house last weekend to drop something off. She came to the door, and then my H went out and talked to her on the porch. Wouldn't that have been an ideal time to come in and briefly meet me? I asked my H why he didn't invite her in, and he said that she was in a hurry. She did create drama when she found out that he had asked me to marry him. She was upset and sending furious emails that he should have told her first before anyone else. She said that he owed it to her. I just wonder what you owe someone that cheated on you when you were married to them...

 

So, I will stop writing now. I can add more, but you get the crux of it. I would appreciate your feedback.... any thoughts... and I will answer any questions. Thanks in advance.

 

 

The bolded part is and still is the hugest mistake your H made...especially after divorcing her. This is more or less the only thing holding these 2 together..and something that SHOULD have been dealt with immediately! Seriously...I would save up half of the amount of that overdraft amount..give it to your husband and tell him to pay the rest...and for everyones sake..especially your H's credit..close that account or simply take his name off of it.

 

She is using this account to hold them together...since she doesnt have the kids to. How sad and pathetic of this woman! Glad to hear her children don't have to live in that enviroment. Sounds like she can barely support herself..let alone 2 kids.

 

I think if you did in fact give your husband half the money for that over draft..you would be speaking volumes to him. I know its going to eat you inside...but somethings gotta give in this situation. I know I would probably pay for the whole thing..take his sorry arse to the bank and CLOSE the account right then and there. What in the world is a woman in her 40's with no kids doing with her money? And why is she not getting a second job? Seriously..who even cares! I would just not risk my credit getting tarnished over this wench...PERIOD!

[WonderingWhatIf]

Thank you for your feedback. I am happy to know that you agree with me. Sometimes, I wonder if I am reading more into it than it really is. My H asked me if I feel threatened or worried that she was a threat to me because he didn't want me to feel that way. I am absolutely sure that he is not interested in her in that manner, but it is still inappropriate. And, I let him know exactly how I felt. It is not about her being a threat.

 

He has stepped up some of his actions to address the issue, so I am cautiously watching to see what happens over the next little bit. He actually took some rings that he had in his possession that belonged to her and put them on consignment in a jewelry store. They have been "put on layaway" by someone and should be fully purchased by the end of the year. He should have the money by Feb. This will be about half of what is owed on the loan.

 

He has also sent her two emails and a text about it. The first email let her know that she needed to figure out how to close this account and that he does not need to be entangled in her finances. The second email informed her of the sale of the rings and stated that he would go with her to the bank and put the money on the account as long as the account is closed on that day. He suggested that she could maybe use her income tax refund to pay the rest. She has not responded to any of his requests, but she will send emails or texts about other stuff. So, she is avoiding it. I asked him about it, and he said that this is classic stuff that she does.

 

So, I am going to wait and see if she replies anytime soon, but if she calls him in the meantime I am going to state right then and there that he needs to bring it up.

 

Thanks for the feedback and support again. Let me know if you have any other ideas. I am doing my best to not let it affect too many other things with our marriage, but he is very well aware of how I feel.

 

However, it does bother me that he hasn't already forced the issue with her before. I guess I will just give him a little bit of time and see how it plays out.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your feedback. I am happy to know that you agree with me. Sometimes, I wonder if I am reading more into it than it really is. My H asked me if I feel threatened or worried that she was a threat to me because he didn't want me to feel that way. I am absolutely sure that he is not interested in her in that manner, but it is still inappropriate. And, I let him know exactly how I felt. It is not about her being a threat.

 

He has stepped up some of his actions to address the issue, so I am cautiously watching to see what happens over the next little bit. He actually took some rings that he had in his possession that belonged to her and put them on consignment in a jewelry store. They have been "put on layaway" by someone and should be fully purchased by the end of the year. He should have the money by Feb. This will be about half of what is owed on the loan.

 

He has also sent her two emails and a text about it. The first email let her know that she needed to figure out how to close this account and that he does not need to be entangled in her finances. The second email informed her of the sale of the rings and stated that he would go with her to the bank and put the money on the account as long as the account is closed on that day. He suggested that she could maybe use her income tax refund to pay the rest. She has not responded to any of his requests, but she will send emails or texts about other stuff. So, she is avoiding it. I asked him about it, and he said that this is classic stuff that she does.

 

So, I am going to wait and see if she replies anytime soon, but if she calls him in the meantime I am going to state right then and there that he needs to bring it up.

 

Thanks for the feedback and support again. Let me know if you have any other ideas. I am doing my best to not let it affect too many other things with our marriage, but he is very well aware of how I feel.

 

However, it does bother me that he hasn't already forced the issue with her before. I guess I will just give him a little bit of time and see how it plays out.

 

I do some marketing and let me tell you, the people who give in are sometimes the ones you have to hound. She is one of those, hound the heck out of her.

[desertIslandCactus]

Sounds as if she is regretting her past with cheating and wants her husband back.

 

Hopefully this man can figure out a way to get her to pay the balance plus account off - and Get His Name Off of it ..

 

I have always thought that with prev spouses, it is hard to remove them from one's life physically .. or with thoughts..

 

Pray for her to find someone to care for her, distract her .. and pay her debts .. ha

[lucylove]

It is funny to me that she whined about you buying a new car and according to her, depriving her son of a better vehicle when she is the one driving herself into the ground financially and apparently making an attempt to take everyone else down with her. If she really cared about her children's material possessions so much she wouldn't act like it was her mission in life to destroy everyone's credit.

[Jonah]

Putting your foot down and forcing a huge rift... your husband will think twice about sharing things with you. The best marriages are those that can have open communication with trust that only care and understanding will be returned. There is a soft way to ask, "how much money is this costing you? Find a way to ask in which it is not an accusation, but a caring question.

 

This codependent kind of thing could go on and on for years. If not one thing, then something else.

 

The most difficult thing in the world is to join into an existing family. You are in your first year. Someone will be 18 soon and this may all go away on its own very soon. Is it worth the war? Just make sure you keep him buttered up. He wont stray far.