Another one bites the dust

[LuminousZ]

Approaching 4 years of marriage and at an impasse. Here's the short version:

 

My wife is a very sexy woman. She's also depressed and taking clonozepam, sleeping pills, and on Friday night's she likes to add alcohol, some would say one to many OR ONE would be too many.

 

She also has a "Friend" and they like to have "Girls night out".

 

The time frame for "GNO" was eight hours, 5pm to 1am.

 

The "friend" leaves the bar abandonding my wife for unknown reasons

 

..I show up at the Bar at 12:45 on a gut feeling. There she was saying goodnight to another man. I approached with andrenaline rushing, fist clenched..., showing restraint asked a simple question of WTF is going on here?!

 

He quickly backed off saying they just met and didn't want any more involvement.

 

HERE"S the problem:

 

I let the "friend" know how DISTURBING I thought it was to leave a woman who's mixing clonzepam with alcohol alone in a bar. I pointed out a character flaw and actually used the word Loser - I'm told it made her cry.

 

Now wifey says she feels suffocated, controled, I can't have any friends, etc. but she doesn't want a divorce.

 

So in an attempt to gain clarity I wrote the following to her: Please Read and give me feedback!

 

In order it let the water flow "under the bridge" clear boundries must be established.

 

I've provided my understanding of the of the several recurrung issues affecting our relationship

 

Please share yours:

 

control

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

2. to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.

 

 

Friend

1. A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

 

 

Marriage

A relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife.

 

 

Respect

Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability:

[PegNosePete]

Personally I wouldn't use a list of dictionary definitions. You want to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel.

 

You confronted the other man, and you confronted your wife's friend. What about your wife? What did she have to say? Why was the alone in the bar and why was she talking to another guy?

[LuminousZ]

My impression is that your wife does not want to confront her psychological issues which you referenced, and instead has become a multiple substance abuser.

 

but in this case it sounds like a symptom of other things that need to be addressed.

 

This is my delima, for sure.

 

She has an in with a Doctor her sister works for. She gets all the scripts she wants.., the chemical dependency started about 5 years ago after the death of her mom. Last year we found out we can not conceive and that is certainly weighing on her mind, as well as our relationship.

 

I appreciate your feedback.

 

Now I just need to find a triger to focus on OUR future.

[Owl]

OK, guess I'm just not catching on here.

 

First off...I agree that her friend was an idiot for abandoning her, and absolutely deserved the butt-chewing.

 

Second...why didn't your wife call you when she was "abandoned" by her friend? Was the abandonment truly an accident...or planned from the beginning by both?

 

Third...you saw your wife "saying goodnight to another man". With just that description, I'm not sure what it was you went off about. Were they kissing/hugging/being intimate? Shaking hands? Sorry, I'm just looking for a better understanding of why you were angry, not calling you out or anything.

 

My suggestion at this point would be to discuss boundaries with your wife. As it's been stated...explain to her what upsets you about her behavior/actions, explain how what she's doing is deterimental to your marriage, and work on coming up with a better solution.

 

How about a GNO that's not wrapped around going to the bar? You know...catch a movie, go shopping, eat dinner, etc... Something that doesn't involve risky behaviors? How about GNO with a married friend who supports your marriage?

 

Discuss counseling to help her deal with her 'issues' alongside of the drugs she's taking...and add in some marriage counseling to help improve communications between you while you're at it.

 

Thoughts?

[misternoname]

Had a similar situation. My ex did the GNO thing way too often sometimes not coming home at all (her excuse was she was too drunk to drive). Later discovered that she had met some player on one of her excursions...turned into a full blown affair.

 

My ex had emotional issues as well. Her therapist suggested that her flirting and ultimately sleeping with a stranger was her way of confirming her attractiveness. Bottom line...I learned the hard way that people with deep seated emotional issues need professional help. Something spouses can't provide.

 

Based on your brief description of your situation, I'm pretty sure she's messing around on you. At the very least she's being inappropriate. How would she feel if she caught you chatting up some broad at a bar? It can only lead to very bad things.

 

4 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. I would cut my losses and start fresh. I dealt with my ex's issues for 27 years only to be disappointed time and time again. Wish I had the balls to bail a long time ago. Over the course of our marriage she had 4 affairs that I know of. I finally got out...remarried to a wonderful SANE loyal woman. So much happier now!

[martini-mae]

Is it possible you are reading way more into a "saying good night to another man" than what's there. (were they kissing? were they hugging? were they in an intimate position?)

I've been in situations like this before. Girlfriends hanging out, groups end up mingling together. When you say good night - maybe there's a hug between a man & a woman. It means nothing.

 

Yes, it was wrong for your friend to leave your wife at the bar - However, there are a few questions to be answered here.

Why didn't your wife leave with her?

Why is it her friend's responsibility to look after your wife?

What made you decide to go to the bar in the first place? Do you have a reason not to trust your wife?

 

You're right though, she shouldn't be mixing alcohol with any drugs. Period.

[LuminousZ]

Personally I wouldn't use a list of dictionary definitions.

 

Ya, good call. That was done for expediency...,

 

You want to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel.

 

You confronted the other man, and you confronted your wife's friend. What about your wife? What did she have to say? Why was the alone in the bar and why was she talking to another guy?

 

She was talking with the other guy because he was hitting on her and it made her feel sexy, which there is no denying!

 

She said they met that night and she was getting ready to leave, he was attempting to get her to his place as I walked up.

[LuminousZ]

Is it possible you are reading way more into a "saying good night to another man" than what's there. (were they kissing? were they hugging? were they in an intimate position?)

 

His hands on her hips, smiling like its gonna be his lucky night.

 

 

I've been in situations like this before. Girlfriends hanging out, groups end up mingling together. When you say good night - maybe there's a hug between a man & a woman. It means nothing.

 

Yes, it was wrong for your friend to leave your wife at the bar - However, there are a few questions to be answered here...

Why didn't your wife leave with her? UNKNOWN

Why is it her friend's responsibility to look after your wife?.

 

I confided in the friend that I had concerns about wifey being out late mixing pills + drinking & driving - I asked her to call me in any circumstance.

What made you decide to go to the bar in the first place? Do you have a reason not to trust your wife?

 

Stoping at the bar was on my way home.

[LuminousZ]

4 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. I would cut my losses and start fresh.

 

This is how I'm starting to see it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Approaching 4 years of marriage and at an impasse. Here's the short version:

 

My wife is a very sexy woman. She's also depressed and taking clonozepam, sleeping pills, and on Friday night's she likes to add alcohol, some would say one to many OR ONE would be too many.

 

She also has a "Friend" and they like to have "Girls night out".

 

The time frame for "GNO" was eight hours, 5pm to 1am.

 

oh yes, had plenty experience with the GNO type of women. I don't bother with women who feel the need to go out and drink without their men. nothing good ever comes of it and nothing good is in mind when doing it.

 

 

The "friend" leaves the bar abandonding my wife for unknown reasons

 

..I show up at the Bar at 12:45 on a gut feeling. There she was saying goodnight to another man. I approached with andrenaline rushing, fist clenched..., showing restraint asked a simple question of WTF is going on here?!

 

He quickly backed off saying they just met and didn't want any more involvement.

 

well you can't get mad at him, its not his fault...unless she says she is married and he pursues anyway. Its your wife that you need to be angry with.

 

 

HERE"S the problem:

 

I let the "friend" know how DISTURBING I thought it was to leave a woman who's mixing clonzepam with alcohol alone in a bar. I pointed out a character flaw and actually used the word Loser - I'm told it made her cry.

 

uh....again, your anger is misdirected. its not the "friend's" responsibility to sit there attached to your wife's hip all night long.

 

your wife is the problem, not this friend or the other guy. don't excuse her behavior on the meds she is taking. maybe she shouldn't be out partying at all if thats the case, as if being married is reason enough not to party.

 

 

Now wifey says she feels suffocated, controled, I can't have any friends, etc. but she doesn't want a divorce.

 

what wifey wants is to be away from you so she can get attention from other men. there is only one reason to go out drinking like that....and it isn't just to talk amongst the girls. if all the bars were filled with women and no men around at all, they wouldn't be doing it.

 

 

control

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

2. to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.

 

if you controlled her, she wouldn't have gone out at all. she is proving she isn't to be trusted and that she is abusing the privilege of going out with friends. you go out with friends, then you stay away from the opposite sex...period.

 

she is trying to sweep her inapproprite behavior under the rug by trying to insinuate you are controlling.

 

Friend

1. A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

 

 

again, is this "friend" suppose to attach herself to your wife's hip all night long?

 

 

as far as the rest and the letter as a whole, it sounds as if you are talking down to her....not that she doesn't deserve to be talked down to since she is disrespecting you, but it makes you look as if you are all wise talking to a child.

 

I'd just straight up tell her that she was engaging in inappropriate behavior with another man (assuming it wasn't just a guy making small talk with no other intentions) and that she'd be pissed if you were to be flirting with other women at a bar.

 

I'd also say, "you went out with friends....I never stop you from doing that....and you disrespect me like this?"

[Owl]

Any answers to my questions or thoughts on the advice I offered?

[Dexter Morgan]

OK, guess I'm just not catching on here.

 

First off...I agree that her friend was an idiot for abandoning her, and absolutely deserved the butt-chewing.

 

Second...why didn't your wife call you when she was "abandoned" by her friend?

 

because more than likely it wasn't abandonment. her friend is not obligated to stay attached at her hip. she probably wanted to go dance, this wife liked the attention she was getting from another man, so she stayed at the bar.

 

wife probably thought that if said friend had to go take a piss that she'd feel abandoned.

 

and if the friend went out on the dancefloor, it is the wife's choice whether to stay at the bar with a guy, or go with the friend.

 

None of this is the "friend's" responsibility.

[Owl]

Guess you and I have different thoughts on this, Dex.

 

If I go out with a buddy...I'm obligated to watch his back. If he gets drunk, I make sure he gets home safe and sound. I expect the same from anyone I would go out with as well.

 

That's a friend.

 

Anyone not willing to do that much for you isn't much of a friend in my book.

 

I don't blame her girlfriend for her attempt to hook up with this other guy (assuming that's what happened). But I do feel that her friend shouldn't have left her without making sure there was a plan in place to get her safely home...and knowing she had an issue with meds and alcohol her "friend" SHOULD have been concerned for her safety.

 

Guess we just have different expectations of friends, Dex. Remind me not to go drinking with you!

[2sure]

Something previous MUST have made you suspicious enough to go to that bar while she was out.

 

Has she been going on these girls nights out regularly ? How often does she go? Is this the first time she has gone in quite sometime or the first time she has gone for more than a few hours?

 

Either way, blaming her friend and calling her friend names is....well, strange.

 

Why is your wife on so much medication?

 

Using the definitions as you have listed them, to make a case against your wife TO your wife...???

 

I once had a man create and present to me a PieChart as to why I should be happy with him. LOL. It was the last straw.

[LuminousZ]

 

 

uh....again, your anger is misdirected. its not the "friend's" responsibility to sit there attached to your wife's hip all night long.

 

your wife is the problem, not this friend or the other guy. don't excuse her behavior on the meds she is taking. maybe she shouldn't be out partying at all if thats the case, as if being married is reason enough not to party.

 

 

 

I had a previous conversation with the friend that I would appreciate a call if any problems arouse. (because I am concerned with wifey mixing pills with alcohol then driving home)

 

So it looks like the friend is certainly NO friend of mine - I let her know that I now realize that.

[Owl]

LuminousZ-

 

Any thoughts on the advice I gave you a couple of hours ago?

 

My thought would be to hold your wife accountable, and come up with workable compromises.

[LuminousZ]

Something previous MUST have made you suspicious enough to go to that bar while she was out.

 

Has she been going on these girls nights out regularly ? How often does she go? Is this the first time she has gone in quite sometime or the first time she has gone for more than a few hours?

 

About once a month, last time she was out till 3:00AM

 

Either way, blaming her friend and calling her friend names is....well, strange.

 

I thought WE were ALL friends.

 

Why is your wife on so much medication?

 

Started about 5 years ago when her mom passed away.., last year we learned she is no longer fertile.

 

Using the definitions as you have listed them, to make a case against your wife TO your wife...???

 

Not attempting to make a case against anyone - trying to figure out why my perception of marriage, etc is so different..., and if there is a middle ground.

 

We exchanged Vows in front of family and friends and one of us feels like the other has checked out.

[martini-mae]

oh yes, had plenty experience with the GNO type of women. I don't bother with women who feel the need to go out and drink without their men. nothing good ever comes of it and nothing good is in mind when doing it.

That is simply an untrue statement.

My girlfriends & I have GNO all the time. We are all married.

Now - perhaps the difference with us is that we're home at a decent hour.

No one gets hit on, nor do any of us hit on men. No we're not ugly. That's just not how we roll. We don't go out to find men. We go out to catch up with what's going on in our lives. Good clean GNO fun.

 

His hands on her hips, smiling like its gonna be his lucky night.

That wasn't in your original post. Guess that clears up why you were infuriated.

 

Stoping at the bar was on my way home.

Is it common for you to stop at the bar on your way home? Just curious. As a bar goer myself to watch games with my husband, I know how the bar game works for some.

 

I confided in the friend that I had concerns about wifey being out late mixing pills + drinking & driving - I asked her to call me in any circumstance.

DId the friend call you when she left the bar? Is that why you went by there? Did you suspect something would happen? Or making sure she was ok? Do you have guys nights out without her? I'm asking these questions because you do seem like a guy that controls his wife. If she has alcohol & drug issues, it appears to me that she may need help. Not another girls night out.

 

Something previous MUST have made you suspicious enough to go to that bar while she was out.

This is what I think too. Otherwise, it's a control thing.

Edited September 16, 2010 by martini-mae

[LuminousZ]

Was the abandonment truly an accident...or planned from the beginning by both??

 

I think this angle is plausable.., based on the fact the "friend" proved to be no friend of mine.

 

Third...you saw your wife "saying goodnight to another man". With just that description, I'm not sure what it was you went off about. Were they kissing/hugging/being intimate? Shaking hands? Sorry, I'm just looking for a better understanding of why you were angry, not calling you out or anything.

 

His hands on her hips, smiling like it was his lucky night.

 

 

 

My suggestion at this point would be to discuss boundaries with your wife. As it's been stated...explain to her what upsets you about her behavior/actions, explain how what she's doing is deterimental to your marriage, and work on coming up with a better solution.?

 

What I call boundries, she calls controlling.

 

Discuss counseling to help her deal with her 'issues' alongside of the drugs she's taking...and add in some marriage counseling to help improve communications between you while you're at it.

 

this has been brought up.

 

Thank you for your feedback.

[whichwayisup]

Was she trying to shove his hands off of her? Or did she look like she was enjoying him touching her?

 

Remember your wife's frame of mind right now. She isn't herself, she's depressed, on meds and drinking.. Not defending or justifying her behaviour, if she IS cheating, it's still very wrong, and obviously something is broken inside of her since she feels the need to get attention from OM.

[LuminousZ]

Was she trying to shove his hands off of her? Or did she look like she was enjoying him touching her?

 

Remember your wife's frame of mind right now. She isn't herself, she's depressed, on meds and drinking. Not defending or justifying her behaviour, if she IS cheating, it's still very wrong, and obviously something is broken inside of her since she feels the need to get attention from OM.

 

She was a happy drunk.., sluring her speech as she looked up, pointed at me as I approached and said, "...there's my husband!"

[Owl]

Last question.

 

What do YOU want out of all of this?

 

Divorce?

 

Your wife to change her actions/activities/etc...?

 

Basic problem solving:

 

1. Identify your goal.

2. Identify issues that may prevent you from reaching your goal.

3. Determine mitigation plans to deal with those issues.

4. Create a "plan" to implement these things...a "plan" to reach your goal.

5. Implement your plan.

6. Improvise and update your plan as required.

 

But it all starts with knowing what you want out of the situation.

[martini-mae]

Since you've posted this on the Infidelity forum, have either you or your wife been unfaithful? Or do you see a hug good bye as being unfaithful?

[LuminousZ]

Since you've posted this on the Infidelity forum, have either you or your wife been unfaithful? Or do you see a hug good bye as being unfaithful?

 

The affection I seen was inappropiate at best.., with a person whom she just met. who knows what would have happened had I not stopped in.

 

I feel betrayed.

[Owl]

I just went back and read your previous posts from 2-3 years ago. You were concerned with her use of sleeping pills way back when you were first dating her.

 

Why is she taking sleeping pills? Are they prescribed...and if so, to treat what?

 

Is she being treated for the depression you described in your first post?

 

What happened with the concern you had about her being in constant contact with her ex? What was the outcome of all of that?

 

Sorry for all of the questions...but it helps to set the stage so you can get better advice.