Relationship work or relationship works?

[wheelwright]

When I was a teenager, a newcomer to love, life, sex and dedicated Rs, I thought quite instinctively that if a R takes work, then why have it?

 

I thought Rs were there as a source of joy, communion, ease of relation. Work was what you did in a boring office when you needed to supplement beer money during studies. Or put another way, why stay in a R that required some kind of labour you didn't enjoy?

 

Is this about the ability to defer gratification?

 

I had nothing against Rs in which the 'work' was enjoyable. That's the definition of a good job right? I love my job (despite its hardships) might equate here to I love my partner. If it takes work, has the love gone?

 

Such pleasant forms of 'work' would include getting to know one another, compromising, learning foibles etc. While you are finding this life enhancing, it's not really the 'work' I thought people meant, when to my consternation, I would hear them say 'Rs take work'. There would be dark looks and knowing expressions from those who seemed in the loop.

 

What do you mean when you say, if you say, a R takes 'work'?

Edited September 13, 2010 by wheelwright

[karnak]

What do you mean when you say, if you say, a R takes 'work'?

 

I never bought into that "work" stuff. I enter relationships to be at peace with myself and to make someone happy.

 

I don't mind "working" if the result of my work is to make my loved one happy. Yet if I don't feel happy in the relationship, If I don't feel fulfilled then there's something wrong with the relationship.

 

Imagine a video game: You have to beat several levels of playing in order to finish it. The game may be a bit hard sometimes. But you feel pleasure while playing. It becomes addictive and fun. That's what drives you to play the game until you reach the last level.

 

If you have no fun playing the game, it's because it sucks and it's not worth playing at all.

[datura_noir]

Well, all relationships take work to make them profound. Have you ever valued something more because of the hard work you put in it to achieve it?? Why do they call child birth "labor"? Why do we feel more gratified when working with disabled/abused children and break through to them form a better relationship with them ??

 

The same theory applies to a love R. Think about it. Your spouse literally replaces your family as the sole unit of human companionship in your life. They know you like the back of their hand. When they are pissed, they can't hide it and sometimes, you feel the effects.

 

It's not work in the drudgery sense; rather, working towards forming a lasting bond with a person whom you have chosen to spend your life with.

 

Hence the phrase "For better or for worse".

 

Worse is NOT "OMG, he forgot to take out the trash again!!"

 

Worse is "He/I screwed up pretty badly-how can we fix this?"

 

If I left a relationship every time things were not good, I'd be on my 18th marriage by now.

[wheelwright]

 

It's not work in the drudgery sense; rather, working towards forming a lasting bond with a person whom you have chosen to spend your life with.

 

Is that work if you love them? Or if you still want to? Is there room in this for having been wrong once?

The problem is if the lasting bond feels like drudgery?

 

Hence the phrase "For better or for worse".

 

Worse is NOT "OMG, he forgot to take out the trash again!!"

 

Worse is "He/I screwed up pretty badly-how can we fix this?"

 

If I left a relationship every time things were not good, I'd be on my 18th marriage by now.

 

Me too. I have been with someone for 19 years. I am 41.

 

I like that your response shows the simplicity of the work necessary. Roll with the punches?

 

I wonder about the 'not good' bits you have experienced, and what 'work' you did?

 

I find it hard that it doesn't discuss whether it might always be the correct route - so it addresses the easy side of the question but not the more difficult.

 

Thank you for responding.

[datura_noir]

WW, I can only speak for my self, and what I feel.

 

I married my first H when I was 18 and he was 30. Instant attraction and furious love. He was a pharmacist. I was his third marriage. His second wife actually had their marriage annulled and ran for the hills. Do you think that swayed me from beleiving who he really was?? Nope. I married him ( and put her down iwith my words), and had 2 kids with him. The fact he was a serial cheater (with women aged 16-54) hurt me terribly when I found out, but the death knell was his drug racketeering and history of physical abuse towards women. Although never physically abusive towards me, I didn't want to stick around and find out. So I guess that, yeah, finding out you are married to a serial cheater and an abuser is a good cause for divorce.

 

I guess what I am trying to relate here is this: My current H was none of those-he just developed feelings for another. It could have easily been me and another guy. I would want a second chance, and my H DID want one. With all of our history and family connections (hey, his oldest son is my second cousin), not to mention the fact he was my first in every sense, and we had been through so many life changes together, I think we valued that and worked from there. We literally had to isolate ourselves for a few months just to us and family, to really get back to each other.

 

I have fallen in and out of love with him for the past twelve years; I'm sure he could say the same. It's such a weird trip, being with the same person for a long time. Sometimes I doubt, sometimes he does. We are respectful of each others space in this respect, because it is natural to feel like this at times. But I never want to be anywhere but here. I love my H and accept his faults, and he acepts mine (even if the faults really make us go hmmm???). There is nothing better out there, just more of the same. Neither one of us is going anywhere.

 

(((love)))

[wheelwright]

I have fallen in and out of love with him for the past twelve years; I'm sure he could say the same. It's such a weird trip, being with the same person for a long time. Sometimes I doubt, sometimes he does. We are respectful of each others space in this respect, because it is natural to feel like this at times. But I never want to be anywhere but here. I love my H and accept his faults, and he acepts mine (even if the faults really make us go hmmm???). There is nothing better out there, just more of the same. Neither one of us is going anywhere.

 

(((love)))

 

Bolded:

 

That's the feeling that means it isn't work, maybe.

 

No! It means you're committed to your job/R in a happy/content way. Any work you have to do is expected and reasonable.

 

I think I feel OK with that kind of work.

[crazycatlady]

I've had a lot of things come easy to me, especially acedemics. I did not appreciate them, did not take the time to learn the skills needed for when it wasn't going to be easy, and hence was unprepared to face it being hard.

 

I almost learned the lesson that relationships are the same way the hard way, by failing at it at around year 5 and 6. I learned that its not so much work, but tending. Like you tend a garden to see it thrive to a good harvest, or keep a fire fed so its not burning too high, nor too low, but just right to put out heat or to cook with - I tend to prefer the fire analogy over the garden, because too much attention is also not good for a fire, can't poke it too much, and it can be revived if there is still an ember left its also so beautiful to look at, which any good relationship is also wonderful to look at.

 

Life doesn't have to be hard work, it just has to be something you pay attention to. It can't be ignored, forgotten. Its not just a relationship, but parenthood, siblinghood, childhood, friendships, work itself....BE there. Not just....eh there. But feel each moment. You only get once chance.

 

CCL