Happiness?? Do I have the right to go on and live once more?

[Linda62]

Hello, I am 41 years old, although lately I sometimes feel much older. My husband of nineteen years suffered a stroke five years ago, and has been institutionalized, for the last three years.

Despite his dyer condition, I visit him twice, three times a week. He does not recognize me, speak to me or acknowledge that I am even there. I have cried thousands of tears over this and now my crying has stopped.

I live in England and have no family here for any support. I personally feel that the man I married is dead, and I desperately need to go on with my life. I am an unhappy woman who is torn between a commitment to her husband and a desire for a life of happiness, companionship, and intimacy

To further complicate the situation, I have lawyers and doctors telling me to go on with my life, and ministers and my mother in law laying the old "for better or worse till death do us part" guilt trip on me. My mother in law is desperately, holding on to the hopes that her son, my husband will make a recovery. The doctors tell me this is not going to happen.

I will always look out for my husbands interests, making sure he has what ever he needs.

I just need to feel like real person again, am I such a bad person for that?

To be honest, there is another man in my life, a wonderful man I have known since university. He lost his wife eight years ago in an auto accident. He is tall dark and handsome, and makes me laugh and feel alive again. To this point we are just good friends, and he has been a total gentleman, in understanding my situation, but he has made it clear that he would like very much to pursue a more intimate relationship. I can think of nothing I would love more.

Well there you have it, do I have the right to go on and live once more? The way I feel right now is this stroke has ruined two lives, not just one.

Thanks for any help

[quankanne]

I'd exhaust every avenue I could to make sure I ministered to my husband's needs while he was still here; that way I could honestly say that I was committed to him until the end.

 

there is no moral argument against developing friendships with people -- men included. I think that can be gratifying in and of itself. What you're asking is a very, very tricky situation ... but there can be a happy ending.

 

a friend of our family's was an older divorcée who met a really nice retired military man whose wife was in a nursing home in the end stages of Alzheimers. She was relatively healthy and lived several years after our friend and this guy met, but both RW and her gentleman friend agreed to not pursue a relationship besides friendship until after the woman passed away, because it was important to the man that he remained faithful to his wife. It's been a few years since the woman died, and since then RW and her friend have tied the knot! The neat thing to see is that because they developed a strong friendship first, their subsequent marriage has been a pretty good one. My take on it: if keep your intentions pure and stay the course while you go through what may be a long period of waiting, your sacrifice will be well rewarded.

[Starlight43]

I totally agree with everything that quankanne explained.

[HokeyReligions]

I am so sorry for your situation. I can't say I have first-hand experience with what you are facing, but I will give you my opinion.

 

First, I was raised that marriage was "in sickness and in health..." I truly believe that a spouse must do whatever it takes to keep a healthy marriage together.

 

Having stated my belief I must say that is only scraping the surface of a belief system, and not dealing with the emotions and reality of life, and we must all face those things too.

 

My parents were married a lot of years. When my father was in his 30's he contracted a disease, multiple sclerosis (MS) and when I was born he was on crutches and unable to work. I don't remember him in a standing position at all. By the time I entered Kindergarten he was in a wheelchair and and by the time I was 10 he was in a hospital bed at home. My mother had to take care of him, including washing him, etc. and I took turns feeding him and emptying his urine bag -- not many 10 year olds know how to do that! I was 12 when I learned to shave his face.

 

It never entered my mother's mind (or if it did, she never let it show) to leave him and find happiness somewhere else. Her life was miserable. she had no friends, never went anywhere for herself, and worked herself to the point where she was sick a lot. She never regretted her decision. She found her solace in doing what she felt was right for her.

 

When my father died she had no skills other than taking care of sick people. She never graduated from high-school and that kept her from a lot of jobs. She tried to get work in hospitals because that's all she knew. her health got so bad that she couldn't do all the hard, hard work that the nurses aides to (mopping, and scrubbing, and heavy lifting, etc.) and she ended up working in retail as a sales clerk for quite a number of years. She finally worked her way to being a store manager until she could no longer do that.

 

She never dated and I used to cry myself to sleep because I hurt so much FOR her. I love my mom and want her to have a happy life, but she didn't when she was physically able to and now she can't do anything but sit and wait to die.

 

There is a big difference though, because my father was mentally awake and aware all the time - right up to the second he took his last breath.

 

I wished many times that my mother would date, or at least try to find friends and make a social life for herself - but she didn't.

 

In your case, your husband is not aware that you are his wife, or maybe he doesn't even know what a "wife" is anymore. If he does, then he probably lives in his memories of the happy times you shared. those are memories you can cherish too.

 

Because of my parents, my husband and I have discussed what would happen if something like that happened to one of us. Both of us agree that we married each other because we love each other and we want to make each other happy, and if we cease to make each other happy, then we want the other one to find happiness somewhere else. His happiness is my primary focus, just as my happiness is his focus.

 

Would your husband want you to be happy? If you created a life with this other man, then one day your husband recovered, I'll wager that he would be heartbroken for himself, but that he would understand the years of emotional pain that you suffered and he would want you to be happy.

 

You can still visit him, you can still stay in touch with his family, you can still tell him that you never stopped loving him and that you love another man with a different part of your heart. The other man that you met will always have a special place in his heart for his late wife too. She helped make him who he is, the man you love -- just as your husband helped make you who you are.

 

I'm not a religious person, but I can't help but feel that a true God would want people to be martyrs and suffer if it wasn't their choice to do so. In that respect, I agree with Quankanne's post. A vow is a solom thing and often difficult to adhere to. You are in your prime, as my mother was, and you have a lot of good, healthy years ahead of you.

 

I don't know what I would do in your situation. I gave up a sex-life for my husband--something that was always very important to me. I could have found a relationship somewhere else that would fulfill those desires, but I chose to give that up because I felt it was the right thing to do for me. When I feel lonly, or unattractive because of the lack of affection, I can console myself with my decision -- I miss those things sometimes, but I am comforted because I feel I love and am loved more deeply now, without the physical relationship and I don't know that we would have reached this level of love had we continued with a physical marriage. I know that is nothing to what you are experiencing, but it is as close a comparison as I can make. I would not have been wrong to leave him for someone else either - it took a lot of soul-searching and tears, and counseling, before I could truly commit myself to my decision.

 

I don't know if anything I said has helped you. You have to follow your own path and your own heart. If the roles were reversed, would you want your husband to move on?

[Tony T]

If your husband doesn't even recognize you and you know that for a fact, what are the chances that could change. I think after three years hope may be fading. You should continue to look out for his best interests but at the same time move on and seek the companionship you need elsewhere. I think your husband would want you to do that.

[Linda62]

Thanks for all the input; I can see this is clearly a matter of faith. Just for interest sake here is a portion of a letter I received for my brother in law just two days ago. I know some will all say he too is an instrument of the devil, convenient solution for anyone who goes against the grain.

 

 

Linda this is truly a situation beyond your control. Edward was not a religious man, he was man of science. He used mathematics, science and data, to reach conclusions. I remember telling him one time, while he was busy with a big project to “have faith”. His reply was “faith is a easy way to answer difficult questions, I’ll sleep better if I do the math”.

Edward was a man who loved life; he had a passion for his sailing and loved his profession very much.

You were good for Edward, he was a happy man and he always wore a bright smile in your presences. That smile is gone, and so is my brother, taken far too soon, and he will be sorely missed and never forgotten.

I knew my brother better than anyone on this earth, he would look at the facts. They are that this is not a sickness or dieses they might find cure for tomorrow. His brain was deprived of blood, and in turn oxygen, and this caused reputable damage, that is permanent.

Go on with your life Linda, you deserve happiness. Edward would want this more than anything. He told me once that the most valuable asset a person has is their time and it is unforgivable to waste it.

If people talk, let them, until they have walked a few miles in your shoes they have no argument. I will let no one speak poorly of you in my presents, because you do not deserve it.

I write you this because Edward was my brother, and my best friend, he would want this and if I ever do meet him again I fear his retribution far more than anyone’s god